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NOTICE
- On this web page - spelling doesn't count.
The
lurker - I know you are there. I feel you just behind me, one step in
front of me, sometimes surrounding me. Why do you hide? I know you whisper
little secrets to me while I sleep. I know you think of me during the
day. But still you remain silent. Always in the shadows. Always lurking.
Dec/2000
Notes Jan&Feb/2001
Notes
April
1st/Evening sometime...
I
gotta get a new picture for the website - ideas? April showers?
I
HATE it when people lie to me! I hate being used! Ugh... going to have
to cut someone out of my life and it sucks so bad! Makes me desire to
just shut completely down and not trust anyone. Of course this totally
contradicts the new "me" that is starting to emerge. The "trusting/open"
me. What really hurts is that I thought of them as a close friend this
last year or so. Someone I could trust, shared my fears/joys with. Someone
I enjoy movies and go shopping sprees together etc... But it has happened
over and over again, and my emotions can't handle it right now... "Serenity
now!" - George's Father, Sinefield
I'm
so behind on my emails. Almost up to a week behind. I know it will come
as a shock to many of you.. *wink*... but have been reading the Bible
more and more lately. Haven't hit anything awe inspiring that I haven't
read before.. except Proverbs chapter one and two. So I guess I'll just
keep rereading those. *grin*
I
am a closet republican in Seattle. - My future bumper sticker *impish
grin*
Why
did God tell Hagar to return and serve Sarah? Some things I just don't
get.
Went
to the little party last night. Was good. Hotel was good. Company was
good. "Quills" was BAD! (Ok - it was a good movie.. but it was
sooooo dark!) C asked me why I waste my time on things that depress me
so? Her words "Why do I want to spend 8 bucks to be depressed? I
can do that to myself for free." HA! hehe - Good point! Hence, I
will go check out Heartbreakers again, soon. Anyone want to come? Heartbreakers
a GREAT movie. In my humble opinion. :) Very cute and funny. Plus, some
great cars! Mmmm - I love fast cars.
I
have just realized I have some really stupid friends with wacked out ideas.
I hate the "me" concept. The whole 'zen' thing is getting old,
ya know. Somehow the more I hang around them the more annoyed I get. I
think, ladies and gents - I am getting wiser in my old age. *grin*
Russ..I
want my rollerblades! (Yes, I know they are a gift - but I'm getting ancy
to do something! Especially since the sun has been showing up more and
more.) Actually, watching all these people rock climb has begun to hit
on me. I know I'm not "up to par" right now to do it. And who
knows if I ever could, because of my feet. Yet, still, I ponder the idea.
March
29th/Late Evening sometime...
I
had such a great day yesterday.... one must have a great day in order
to appreciate it when a bad one happens.
What
what does it mean when 3 completely different people tell you the same
exact thing?
Russ
- I'm sorry. But at least I'm not emailing you... *hehe*
Russ
takes me out tonight, says some things that I have been mulling around
in my mind for awhile... As usual, what he says angers me. I just want
him to say something POSITIVE something normal, something that makes sense.
For pities sake, I know I have some semblance of a brain in me. As he
talks I feel something hurting, inside. Sucks, cause we are in the coffee
shop and I want to just say, get me out of here, now! I have to cry, scream,
throw a fit, something... but I don't. I sit, listen, smile and nod my
head. It frustrates me that I do this - frustrates him as well. Yet, even
so - I feel as if I have something to chew on. Something to think/mule
over when it comes to making decisions in my life. Thank you for being
gentle with me, I love you, and I like the color BLUE!
Baring
your soul to yourself, sucks. Somehow I think this is harder then telling
others what you have done or what you feel.
March
26th/Early Afternoons sometime...
Damn!
- Sometimes things are just to screwed up to even type about. Thank goodness
89.5 is around, that's all I have to say. Going to go rollerfall.
March
26th/Just a few hours later..
Ahhh!!!
What is wrong with me? This must be one of the few times in my life that
I am actually bored. BUT have no desire to 'un-boredify' myself. Here's
what sounds very enjoyable to me....Being in a little stone cabin, by
the water. Sitting in front of a large fire drinking some Castello di
Cabbiano, Riserva 1996 of course. While reading some horribly trashy romance
book for HOURS on end.
*mmmm*
I have port, a tub, and bubble bath....bbl.
March
26th/Evening sometime...
"All
I want to do is work from home, garden, play with the cats and and pitter
patter the day away." - Some kind of quote from Carmen. To which
I say Amen...(all cept that garden thing.. not sure about that.)
Awww..
the power of cheese! I blame the lack of cheese in this house for my superhuman
powers being gone. I have also decided that the Chevy Venture, Warner
Brothers Edition the coolest van out there!
Greek
God's should call more often... but only if they encourages me.
Again
- another day with nothing to say. What is wrong??? I am in a "funk"
of some kind. How did that happen?
Friend
is throwing a mass party at the W this weekend. I should be thrilled to
go swing it up with "wine, women, and cheese." I still haven't
RSVP'd yet. I know I should go. AND I know I will have fun once there.
But there will be a few old employees from past consulting gigs/employment.
And that might be weird in and of itself. Funks not good for that. I think
the party is in the penthouse suite too... we all know how good I look
in penthouse suites. Torn between to feelings. I hate making decisions.
I
just got an email from someone I have never met... and I quote: "I
saw your picture and know you are a really nice person." Mmmmm!
Lunchables
- like lunch, only smaller.
Mach
25th/Evening sometime...
Thought
I would put a few little flashes I'm working on. Oscars over... Tigar
didn't get best picture... *drat* Was such a great movie!
Just
in case you haven't seen these: URL's I have been hanging out at of late...Have
DSL or something for the nosepilot one.
http://home.earthlink.net/~zefrank/invite/swfs/navigation.html
http://www.nosepilot.com/
http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm
http://www.c895fm.com/
I
don't think I have much to write. Maybe I have thus purged myself of all
"babbling." Yet, as I sit here, watching my movies, cruising
the "monster" and reading my book... and I think, I'm quite
dull indeed today. Maybe I'm in the mood for romance. Maybe I'm in the
mood for adventure. Maybe I'm in the mood for sitting on my ass staring
at the moon.
Why
doesn't it bother me to be by myself? Am I that comfortable? Or that much
of a hermit?
Did
you know Perry Komo did a song about the "Blue Skies in Seattle?"
Serious - go download my local friends. Will make you smile.
I
hate it when people lie about me or to me. I end up making excuses for
them.
March
25th/3am sometime...
March
24/Really early morning sometime...
Jars
of Clay - Frail
Convinced
of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would
A
rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things
If
I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
Blessed
are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide
Exposed
beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
If
I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...
...frail
March23rd/12am
sometime...
FC
same as always. *ugh* - I'm taking the summer off. Haven't told anyone,
but will.
I
conned a friend into saving me an hour into the meeting. As we were treading
along 1st Ave on our way to Von's I noticed Marcha finally opened. SO
we bounced in and sure enough, basically empty.... *at 7pm too!* Got a
back corner booth next the window and chatted. My friend spoke Spanish,
fluently - so I trusted them with my food. OH my!!! YUMMM! It's a Tapas
restaurant... Which was a new experience for me. And I must admit, one
I will continue to repeat many times. Best meal I have had in months,
honestly. Not only was the atmosphere wonderful combined with the layout
of food the creation for, well, creative topics of discussion brewed.
Basically, took us 3 hours to eat the appetizers. By that time - I had
to go home! Good time. Side note - we got in.. pretty empty... then filled
up max with some people waiting for tables... by the time we left, empty
again. I LOVE that! Hence, need a good place to check out downtown - Marcha,
Tapas Y Copas... 1400 1st Ave. (Right by Venti and the Dog Bakery across
from the Harbor steps.)
I
also walked out with a goal for the summer. I shall share on that subject
at some other time. But goal setting with fruitful first step applications
sure are nice.
Boeing
moving headquarters. Honestly not a big deal. And, I personally feel,
it is a wise move on their part. Comparison speaking - only loosing 500
jobs. Dot.com's doing much worse then that.
Anyone
read March 20th's issue of Business2.0? If not - do! Or at least head
down to B&N and read the title article - Outsmart Outgun Outlast the
Competition, Seven Winning Business Strategies for the Long Haul. Also
a very interesting personal interview with Lawrence Lessig. Whom I think
is the devil himself. BUT good writing none the less. His only saving
grace has been napster.
I
want to be trendy! I was waking downtown and noticed this girl in hip
leather knee length boots, 3/4ths length black leather jacket, leather
skirt and black cotton top. Cool sun glasses and a short and spunky blond
"dew." I thought - I should look like her! (Ok, maybe not the
blond part...) I look so darn "mommish" at times. Unless going
out - then, according to the x-boyfriend..."You look like you walk
sex." I think that is a good thing - not sure. Must be why I'm so
good in .....
March
21st/Evening sometime..
Roller'falling
even in your own little apt. still hurts. Just in case anyone was wondering.
I am still not getting the darn top buckle to grasp completely - so after
"blading" (a term I use loosely here) it pops open. But so scared
to tell Russ. (So Hun - if you are reading this... sorry... *cough* but
I'm not getting something right! Come help me!)
Chocolate
man gave me an antenna for my TV.. I now have channel 11, 9, and 7! woohoo!
Of course the worst of basic channels, PBS, UPN, and CBS. *hehe* But,
I can hear NBC and at night, ABC works to some degree - just lots of snow.
It is fun, though. Been pushing 1 and a half years since I have watched
TV. Who knew I could last that long. I actually have it on now, but muted
so I can listen to music.
Meeting
with the little FC group tomorrow for drinks/dinner. Should be interesting.
Summer coming up - I think Lisa wants to do some things then. I would
enjoy seeing what she came up with. I think she has such a heart to serve.
And feel she could be a very powerful force for the Seattle community.
Especially in the nonprofit world. Kind-of torked about the whole "Books
for Kids" event we threw last Aug. But, also feel we need to continue
on that course.
I
WILL sleep tonight!!!! (yeah right)
I
wish I could explain how I feel about some things. Ever had something
so new, you are unable to express in words what is going on? For those
that are emailing and icqing me.. I apologize for being so "away"
from it all. I shall explain as soon as I am able to comprehend it myself.
I
will say something odd... I think I enjoy teaching. Maybe not kids...
LOL! But the act itself. Still pondering that one though.
Oscars
this Sunday.... I'm SOOOO excited. I must find Laura to see if she will
be there. As soon as I find out will tell you all. Last I heard she was
off filming in Germany. Wish the darn girl would tell me more then that.
But, someday I will fly down to LA, visit her, Jen and Bob and go to all
those fancy shindigs. *Evil grin - and take out the pictures of them in
braces! HA* - Otherwise, anyone know of a good Oscar party? Know Gameworks
will do something - but would prefer something not so "blasé"
Besides, I want to watch Barbara afterwards!
If
you haven't downloaded Smoke (the song below) yet - do so now!
March
20th/Early morning sometime..
Met
my lurker... I feel better.
Song
that suits - Natalie Imbruglia, Smoke
My
Lullaby, hung out to dry
What's up with that
It's over
Where are you dad
Mum's lookin' sad
What's up with that
It's dark in here
Why, bleeding is breathing
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room
Try, bleeding is believing
I used to
My
mouth is dry
Forgot how to cry
What's up with that
You're hurting me
I'm running fast
Can't hide the past
What's up with that
You're pushing me
Why,
bleeding is breathing
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room
Try, bleeding is believing
I used to
I used to
Why,
bleeding is breathing
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room
Try, bleeding is believing I saw you crawling on the floor
Why, bleeding is breathing
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room
Try, bleeding is believing I saw you crawling on the floor
Why, bleeding is breathing
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room
Try, bleeding is believing
I saw you crawling on the floor
March
19th/Early morning sometime...
I
haven't been to "bed" in a few hours... went out yesterday and
walked in the door around 5am. Catching up on emails, notes, and other
stuff. Thought I would pop a quick post before crashing.
Was
told I'm "morbid" when I write the other day. *mmmm* Gotta think
about that. Dark and dank am I? Somehow - whatever goes on here, stays
here. Never had that said to me in person, before.
Karma
Sutra baby.... Got a book. It's all about the Tantra!!! Greek Gods do
live, btw. "She's a muse. A real live muse. She's not the only
one. They live amongst us!.... The Muse. The Muse. The God damn Muse."
- The Muse, Al Brooks
Some
really weird stuff been going on. 6 degrees of separation crashed and
burned. No longer relevant with the Internet - It's 6 emails of separation.
March
18th/1am sometime...
Anger
comes in so many facets. Amazing how a smile can cover up wrath.
Chocolate
man came by tonight. Saw "Enemy at the Gates." Fabulous flick.
But harsh in so many realms. The whole time I was thinking of Katia, my
old friend from Hungry. And the stories her father would tell, while we
sipped wine watching the sun set on summer eve's. He grew up during such
revolution and strife. How lucky we have it here. How stupidly we take
advantage of it. "War does funny things to men." - Rushmore,
Max Fisher
I
can no longer see the site via klickatat.com! *grrr* I have found out
today that others can, but for some reason, for the last week - I have
received an "error page not found" message. At a lost on what
to do. Nor why my system is not showing it. I have been redirecting to
the geocities site.
I
have been sharing too many deep fears to some close friends of late. Either
I must stop or simply post on here. It was brought to my attention that
I might have a bit of voyeurism in me because of this journal. I think
there is truth in that. Is this human nature? Or deep need to be heard?
Other people fascinate me so - I'm sure I'm of some fascination to them
as well. I probably scare more then intrigue, I'm sure. *grin*
I
have been emailing back and forth with a bonified genius of late. Oh how
he confuses me! I believe English is his 3rd language, even though he
lives here in the states. We discuss energy, spheres, God and a multitude
of other things - most of which are completely over my head. But drawn
I am to his unique outlook on things. At times, I think he is crazy. Other
times mystical. Good or bad - it is fun and it keeps my thoughts entertained.
Oh
to be held while I sleep....
March
15th/Late Afternoon sometime...
This
pink thing has got to go!
Someone
asked me last night what I wanted to be known for. What a hard question
to answer! Who would have thought so - but it is. How would you answer?
I pondered it a bit (still am in some ways) and then answered something
to the effect of being known for having grace. Now defining grace of course
is a completely different question. *grin* - Yet, I want to be known for
having a gentle spirit, I believe.
Slept
till 2pm. Got home - wrote some stuff down, then talked to a friend in
VA for about 2 hours.. crashed sometime while the sun was just starting
to rise. Even though it's not kosher - I do so enjoy being up at night.
When the earth is still. Makes good reflection time.
Which
is better... Kissing or Sex? Kind of debating that one. One woman told
me she could "O" just from a kiss by her husband. Don't believe
her, of course. But it does raise some questions on what kind of kiss'er
he must be. I reread my "kiss" pondering from last year - and
thought to myself - Damn... that's pretty darn sexy!
Went
to Game Works last night. First time I have been back there since the
whole downtown block party last year when Samuel Jackson pinched my ass.
Asked if "so-n-so" the marketing guy still worked there... front
desk lady looked confused, so I'm guessing he is gone.
Got
a ton of paperwork to read and sign... NDA's gotta love em. Better get
cracking...
Have
to meeting tonight I do not want to attend. Mainly cause I hate conversation
and am scared it will occur. Wish me luck!
March
13th/Evening sometime -
California
Phil - Thank you for being there for her. It means a lot to me.
Well!
- around 12 people showed up for the FC thing. Was good but hard to hear
in the restaurant. Glad Lisa came, she helped a lot with the mood and
presented a lot of stress relief. I am starting to think I need a little
break - or a breakthrough with the group. Open for ideas... I wanna rock
climb.. but they all made fun of my idea. *humph!*
Mom
came with me for my luncheon today... was good having her there. First
time she has ever seen me in "action" on a semi-work standpoint.
She said I did well... I think my ego went through the roof at that. Odd
how a parents pride in you, no matter how old you are, can make you feel
good.
I
am way past ready for new passions, work wise, in my life. OR just something
different. I either have a hard time with staying focused or just a likeness
for "new" things. I think it is the last option more then the
first two. Although, wonder if they are all part of my "problem."
(Whatever that is.) I think I need to be out and about more often. Need
to be able to give more.. (not of myself, but of my friendship.)
Ellen
told me the other night she is going to Nice, France on Thursday... I'm
so jealous!! Have fun girl! And bring me back something French! *wink*
Gotta
call those CEO's tomorrow! Gotta! Gotta! Gotta! I can do this!
So
- I know a few of you have been praying for me... 1 - Thank you. 2 - Keep
it up. 3 - Thank you! I need to continue to become more focus and rely
on His strength instead of always controlling the situation.
For
the last few months/weeks/days/hours I have been throwing around the idea
of marriage again. NOT now! But in a few years or something. Never assumed
that thought would hit me again. Especially after that last episode. *grin*
Although I haven't meet anyone that just screams "he's it!"
its more of a process of accepting what did happen - and acknowledging
there are strengths and benefits for it. Don't get me wrong, I adore dating!
And wanna keep doing that! LOL. Yet, I'm not so angry/bitter/or upset
over the idea of the whole "m" thing. Slow in forming but it
is still there gaining acceptance in my heart. (All the men that are reading
this are either out buying rings are running off to S. Africa in utter
fear... *wink*)
March
9th/Afternoon sometime -
Fears
come and go.... some just stay! I faced part of the fear.... still have
to face more. (And more!) I am starting to recover from the sickness.
My equilibrium is off at times, usually at night - Dr. (via online) said
it was cause sound wasn't transmitting properly and causing my sense of
placement (via vibrations.) were off. Liquid behind the middle ear would
cause that. No meds - just lots of liquids and rest. :)
OK!
What else is going on! Well work slowing down in a BIG way! And you all
know I can't handle that. So off again looking for consulting gigs for
the next few months. I have honestly thought about just working outside
maybe in a nursery or some such. Who knows? Will call a few PR companies
too - and prepare some informational interviews to gather an IN-DEPTH
look into the business. I have two companies I really need to call. Got
the CEO numbers - just gotta get the gumption to do it. I will to. But
it never fails - the first step is always the hardest.
Dating
alas - it goes on and on.. *smile* You all know that story. New twists
and turns of course to every tale. A really nice man took me to see Chocolat
the other day. Now, that in and of itself was cool. But what really topped
the night - he brought me a BAG full of chocolate!! Major score! *grin*
(Special thank you for that!) Really gave me a sweet smile to know you
thought enough ahead to do that for me. Was very kind!
I
am doing the whole FC Lunch thing next week. Last month 2 responses this
month FREAKEN 47!!!!!! What is UP with that? I only have room for 13-15
max. Trying to think of a way to bump up my capacity for the restaurant
without renting a room. Any ideas?
Yes,
coffee pot is still broken. And yes - I am still praying for it to rise
from the dead. *grin* Napster going down...*sigh* go quick all! go quick!
March
5th/Morning sometime -
Well,
it's official - I am sick. *At least I haven an excuse for being so short
tempered, weak, confused, and all around annoying.* Still doesn't make
me feel better. Dealing with a very close fear right now. I believe that
is one of the starting factors of my "stress." (Just clued into
this today.) Having to face the fear, is, well, scary. :( I hate facing
things. Must be why I hate confrontation. (I'm just full of wisdom today
aren't I?)
I
will let you know how my fear goes tomorrow, and the next day. Wish me
luck and offer me your prayers.
March
1/Late Evening sometime -
Ever
feel as if everyone is pulling off a different piece of you. Using and
sucking you dry yet you can't figure out why it is happening nor how to
stop it? Dealing with that right now. I can almost count the amount of
my spirit that has been cut and devoured by others in the last 2 weeks.
Every morsel licked, tasted, and eaten. How bloody morbid I am tonight.
I'm
two weeks early, too. Either stress induced or my counting ability is
way off!
Enough
bitching - what do you think of the little falling daisies?
March
1/Evening sometime -
Who
knew I could be booked solid for a week and not able to keep this updated?
Gotta admit, February was an odd month all the way around. I spend a LARGE
part of my time up north. *smile*
I
need some more consulting gigs. And clarification on destination of goals.
I have been working on Three major issues this year.
1
- Get healthy. (Which I was doing good at till this last 2 weeks. *sigh*)
2 - Work clarification. Become more defined on what I do/should do.
3 - Work on my "submissive" nature. (AKA - stop being so bitchy.)
Not
sure if I am succeeding at any of these three points these last two weeks!
Sad as it is, truth must come out. SOOO hints on how to get myself back
on track are greatly appreciate. :)
Otherwise
- recovering from the quake! WOOOHOO - I thought I was having a great
orgasm! Bed was shaking so hard. It was so sad.. I was close to buck naked
when it hit... everyone else is running outside, and I was just praying
I wouldn't have to lift my arms out of the blanket to catch anything!
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