...

♠   ♥   ♦   ♣


marchSixteenth twothousand&nine
I know, I know it is hopeless, but I can't help but feel hope, at times. Which makes me sad, so sad.


decemberThirtieth twothousand&eight
My new years resolution is to make resolutions that I should, break them all, and not tell a soul. Of course, secrecy is all I crave.
And it will never, ever be enough. Because it is exactly what I do and don't want.


julyTwentieth twothousand&eight
I would have to say, above all, I miss potential the most.
But I have found a way, at last. This numbness resonates throughout my weakened bruised body. My mind, exhausted to the fullest extent, everything unrecognizable. I am just so, so tired, all the time.
I don't feel a thing. Everything is the same. Yet, though I feel like the walking dead I must admit I feel slightly more alive than I did with feelings.
It's day by day. Without a thought of the future, the past, there is no room for disappointment or paranoid thought.
I am at ease.
Rather, so beyond awareness that I have lost the capacity to care about anything at all.
But isn't that better?


juneSeventeenth twothousand&eight
How did you know? How were you able to see deep into my soul from a distanced perspective, knowing exactly what I needed and how to articulate it? We always reside at opposite ends, hence the ability to save each other. Maybe one day we'll meet in the middle. Thank you.


juneEighth twothousand&eight
I will always be immature and awkward. But I think I'm ready to grow up.


aprilTwentyfirst twothousand&eight
Srsly, fk off, kthanks.
My weakness was thinking you weren't annoying for one day. And because of my kindness (which I do not believe to be baiting or misleading) - you are up my ass. Everybody has the potential to be a PSYCHOPATH. Just leave me alone, I'm not interested, and FURTHERMORE I HAVE TO FUCKING STUDY SO STOP BUGGING ME.
I get it ok, the sunny weather makes everyone want to fall in love or have sex or something. So what! You think I'm a slut!? Or is it my irresistable CHARM (hah, right..)? Like... I am so pimpin right now. Which is kind of funny. But I am so emotionally detached that all I want is nothing from this! Friendship my dears, friendship. I do not have enough friends. I can see why. Plzz don't hate me. All my ex lovers hate me. And why! Everyone else can push aside their spite for the sake of civility and harmony. Sigh.


aprilSeventeenth twothousand&eight
Greetings, insomnia, my dear old friend. I had all these hopes and dreams to go to bed at a decent time, like say, midnight. I'm already two hours late and wide awake with plenty to do. I really should sleep, because my exam on saturday is at 830am.
The trouble is, I fear my dreams. Not only do they distort reality through their vividness and accuracies pertaining to my life and actual occurrences, but, because they are so real, it's like living twice. And that is not relaxing at all in a sense. Who wants to dream about writing an essay? Even if the dreams are not themed on suffering, if I dream of something so simple, say a conversation, I will ponder my life away wondering of it's existence in the world or whether it was just in my head. I cannot differenciate.
But of course, I still go to bed. To stay awake all night doing work would just be too productive. I get bored. So I lay in bed. I think I do drift off into a restless haze every so often: the kind wear you aren't really conscious, but you know you aren't asleep because you keep frantically rolling around your bed and checking the clock.
Too much caffeine. But I need it to focus. Because if I don't have it, living feels like a dream. This is so horrible.
So, I keep wading back and forth: from anger, to sadness, to hope, to indifference. Why does it have to be so complicated. Shouldn't things just be?


aprilFifthteenth twothousand&eight
In family studies we consistently emphasize the damaging nature of divorce. I never really thought of myself as such a minority in this sense, I never saw myself as a victim. In retrospect, it is evidently the root of some emotional setbacks and stunting.
Because I understand impermanence, above all, and come to expect it.
It is very likely that I am overreacting. I can only be rational in reference to that which does not affect me. I am so afraid of being hurt that conjure the worst expectations.
Does that make me a calculated person, or a broken person?
It's so safe, but the truth is, I don't know if I'm living anymore.


aprilThirteenth twothousand&eight
Dear diary, some consuming thoughts...
I am sorry that alcohol renders me irrational and incoherent - I become absent minded and on top of it, think extremely abstractly. Therefore what I do or may not do may be unrepresentative due to my heightened defense mechanisms; my interpretations may be exaggerated, hence my emotional (shutdown) reaction.
Regarding mixed signals: this is why my optimism has depleted. If it means nothing now or even never meant anything, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, but I can accept that. But you can't have it both ways. You can't embrace the whole world in such a way that equates me as ordinary and still have me. You have to choose. Otherwise it's just a mind game, which, is not an altogether unheard of trick - but one that I would not expect from you, of all people.
But if this is the behaviour you maintain should this even progress, I don't know if it's worth it anymore. Because as robotic as I pretend to me, I am not so strong to resist jealousy and embarassment.
Everyone thinks I should move on but I'd hate to do so prematurely. Perhaps that makes me naive. The thing is, although foolishly hopeful, I'm usually right. I'm used to getting what I want, for everything to just fall together and work out in the end despite the world's cautioning. So how will I know if I'm wrong? Maybe I deserve this after all I've done.
Everyone knows and everyone asks - why can't you just be the one to ask me? If you hear the truth you will hear it from me. I expect the same. I don't know if you realize what you're doing to me, but I just want closure. Regardless of the outcome, this has to be acknowledged - it has to be said.
While I may be in part, at fault as well, for I may never reveal some or all of these things to you, I can't help but blame you for starting something that you seemingly do not intend to finish.
I don't live with regrets, but if this gets any more painful I'm sorry to say that I wish it never happened. I miss how things used to be.
That is all I have to say.


marchTwentyseventh twothousand&eight
I'm just like everybody else. I want the same things. But I'm too stubborn to admit it.
Power complex: Sorry, I can't submit to weakness, ever.
But in all honesty I don't care what happens anymore, I have my suspicions either way. I won't be caught off guard. In preparation I am shutting down, step by step.
Regardless, the truth is, right now it just isn't fair to me. But I fret too much.
I feel like I'm disappearing. I can feel myself slowly fading away.

marchNinth twothousand&eight
I'm just trying to save face 'cause I'm scared.
Parallel synchronized randomness: in a way I understand. Doesn't it seem very plausible that you could share a dream? That if you try hard enough you could experience the same moment in your sleep.
It's a power I so terribly desire and at times convince myself I have.
I'm just so tired, like I want to die. But not really die, more like sleep.
I feel like I'm having a complete breakdown, yet maintaining a fair degree of optimism and contentment =) weird.
I'm just so tired of wondering, I guess. It is exhausting.
All I want is the best for our lives, my dear.


februaryTwentyeighth twothousand&eight
I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice when I'm not around.
I have such high expectations to the point of impossibility. I am so narcissistic. I think I deserve so much. I don't want to work so hard to just settle for some nameless job. I want something fantastic. But what kind of person is capable of that? I think I should be! But if you can't, that's pretty much it. Game over.
Oh, and the fact that weirdness is normal is probably more than I could ever ask for.


februaryTen twothousand&eight
There is a trade-off between english and math. But I wish for them to coexist within myself. I don't think it's working. And as much as I'd love to discard one and focus entirely on a single concentration, my success is contingent on versatility. I hate stereotypes, so if I embody two distinctly opposite positions, I believe they will neutralize each other, not to mention reckon individuality. The problem is sustaining sanity while half playing a game I so utterly loathe.
A thought: I wonder if I am justified in avoidance. Will I ever transcend? Would I be wrong at every glance? I feel an inclination to downplay certain intentions as a courtesy. But will this always be so stationary? If not, then of course, the right thing to do is wait.


februaryThird twothousand&eight
I had an epiphany that I deemed worthy of writing down as soon as I had the chance.
But I forgot it.
Am I still living if I don't remember a thing? Even the memories I do have are altered through my dreams. I dream of moments I had but they are different. I don't know what really occurred.
LOL I'M BRAINDEAD.
How on earth will I pass at this rate!?


januaryNineteenth twothousand&eight
I think I have abandonment issues. Which is perhaps why I have commitment issues. I expect the worst in people. I can't even see the big picture rationally, blinded by this vivid belief of eventual betrayal. I don't know why, it doesn't even make sense, but it is always my impulsive reaction. This fear, it hardens my soul a little bit every time. And it's so stupid. I've analyzed myself and clearly, being so young when every single person happened to leave at once has imprinted the expectation of repetition. Yet I can't alter my subconscious.


januaryThirteenth twothousand&eight
This experience has made me doubt my integrity. That which someone is so hated for is the very characteristic I share, but, the adequacy of disguising such is my shield. Despite my declaration. Secondly, I still continuously play, through the guilt: the realization that I am not so merciless to be capable of games. Resistance is difficult even though my decisions render my morality questionable.
Very recently, I have debated switching my major to math. Perhaps a minor in English instead of the reversal. Perhaps not. Perhaps numbers only. The lack of interaction would be zen-inducing. I can't stand participation. I can't stand pompous literature advocates who flail their ideas to a room of strangers, high off their drugs and inflated sense of self, who truly believe that they are superior due to a skill in the manipulation of words, and are deeper due to a stereotypical passion for something someone else said or wrote. I'm not trying to demean their intellect, but their personalities, rather. Not that they are all the same, but I must say: I hate English majors.
But before I turn my life around, I should probably test my abilities. Who says I'm good enough at math! My decision is partially influenced on the fact that I'm in love with my math professor!


decemberTwentyseventh twothousand&seven
It's so beautiful to live in flames. Truth is, I'm not ready to live so safely, without sight of the end. Maybe I should be more cautious when all I want is less - but the game is so much fun. I can't contain it! It is genetic.
Heredity is my excuse for everything I do.
Because confirmation is irrelevant when I am preoccupied.
You know it's true, that it's all dandy until it isn't. It isn't stressful until it is.
I wish we could live in a state of before, always.
It's all I could ever hope for.
Planning how I'm going to spend all my money has left me with a great sense of contentment. I love stuff more than I should.
Also, I'm in love with Michael Vaughn, which is unfortunate, because he is fictional. It's not the actor I love, it's Vaughn himself. Though I feel if I knew him in real life, like any other muse I would eventually look away.


decemberEleven twothousand&seven
Reflection:
I think I'm worth so much more than I really am. I wish I was worth so much. My narcissistic mind has inflated my own value in my mind. I am taken aback by any lack of perfection. I believe one day I will wake up in reality where everything is perfect and I am the best at everything.
And I know how I feel, but is that okay?


decemberFirst twothousand&seven
It's not really the fear itself, but rather, the fear of the fear.


novemberTwentyseventh twothousand&seven
Every so often I get a little fed up, that I just have to complain a little:
I can accept you, but not when you are two different people. You can't be both. Pick one. I grow weary of contradictions. Analysis: you are weird.
Man, people seem so much more awesome when you first meet them. Insanity is the norm. Or maybe I am too critical. Everything is great at the start! When I use a new cleanser, it seems so refreshing and it clears up my skin. And then after a while, something goes wrong - my skin gets worse, drier, etc. THAT IS MY LIFE.


novemberTwentieth twothousand&seven
Opportunity cost: is it worth it, to win, but consequently lose simultaneously? What can I say, I was terrible at economics.


novemberNineteenth twothousand&seven
Oh the silence is terrifying; the noise, moreso.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor�
And this, and so much more?�
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
�That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.�
- T. S. Eliot


novemberThirteenth twothousand&seven
I miss such vividness.
Will it ever be the same? And what now, what now, the truth is so unattainable. Unless unless unless.
But we all hide. It's just not a game anymore; it's not a laugh...
So let's play a game where you find me cause the world is just so fast.
Forget everything like a dream but better cause it's not in my mind -
Oh, how I yearn for such things I don't believe.


novemberEighth twothousand&seven
Contentment: meeting Sondre Lerche. HEART FLUTTTTTTttttER.
I don't feel like doing anything at all right now for no other reason than sheer laziness. Oh I got my books, oh did I ever. I don't feel like reading them. I don't feel like looking for supplementary articles. I don't feel like writing. I'm just killing time until I can watch tv.
Haha oh, we've all thought that. But what is the truth? I had such a strange dream lastnight! YET it felt like a dreamless night, a sleepless night - you know those nights where you keep waking up like every hour and every time you wake up you think to yourself "omgz, I haven't slept a wink yet" and when your alarm goes off you're still tired cause you think you just spent the last few hours restless... BUT REALLY, you were dreaming the whole time! Maybe my dreams are real!


novemberFourth twothousand&seven
AACK! I'm breaking up with you before we even go out! Who do you think I am?!


novemberFirst twothousand&seven
I need a catharsis.
I just read "Shooting an Elephant" and it almost made me cry. But it didn't. I just wish something could just be so fucking sad that it'll release my soul into a stream of uncontrollable tears.
I just need a justifiable reason, excuse, copout to feel.
Really, all this interrogation has caused my mind to stir. I keep thinking. And I really don't know. But the bottom line is: pseudo is preferable over reality.


octoberTwentyfifth twothousand&seven
Congratulations, school. You have defeated me.
I'm breaking down. I'm so, so tired. I can't even read. And even at my peak my success is null. Improvement is nonexistent. These are my capabilities. And that is so, so sad. I wish I was smarter. I wish I could have some fancy career. But I am not enough. And it's so hard to come to terms with: I am ordinary.
\ The complexity of my emotions, or lack thereof, cannot be equated to a lightswitch. I realize how it appears: appliance-like and sudden. I must implore that the way I feel (or don't) is derived from depth. I don't wish to be this way. I want understanding. I want contentment. I don't ask for much, I just want to be happy. Fleeting smiles do not negate your benevolence. I just cannot pretend a connection. But perhaps that is my flaw. I don't compensate, I don't compromise. In a sense I don't try.
My desire for perfection will equate me to nothingness. I disappear at realizations rather than change. I fear my own mind.


octoberTwentyfirst twothousand&seven
Oh, wow. The most amazing concert ever? I can still feel my heart trying to escape my body. It kind of hurts but I am so happy. But sad because what is the next thing to look forward to? I wish Victoria could've happened, one Owen night is not enough.
I don't know if it's blood sugar levels or anxiety but breathing is difficult.
But I don't know a lot of things...


octoberThirteenth twothousand&seven
I need to take better care of myself.
I wonder about the truth and who really understands it. Is it a happy face to make it all go away, do you really get it at all? Am I so unreadable? Is that it?
Why the return? Can it be that I was correct in my musings? Maybe I wasn't so delusional if it's not forgotten. But I will not do that again, I'm not worth it. I can't be selfish all but for a laugh.
Try to read my mind cause you know very well that I can't say it.
But whatever I think doesn't matter! Because of the way I am!
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be so strong...


octoberFourth twothousand&seven
Ambivalence structures my identity.
It hit me. I am completely the opposite of everything I used to be.
Yet my life is a cycle.
I really am curious what the temptation is??
Surely I understand, I was caught up with the flock and I danced, I danced, I danced my way back to what I believed was solidity. Upon confirmation it felt so empowering to believe in something extraordinary. Consistency is magic.
But it was just an extended beginning. That's all.
And that's probably the appeal.
On the off-chance that there was something beneath the surface, an internalized elevation, I can no longer distinguish it.
I wonder, what exactly was the very instance it all stopped?


septemberTwentyseventh twothousand&seven
Emotionless: do I simply lack inspiration? Or am I innately so.
I wish I knew what it was like to feel. Beneath the surface. I am so shallow. I'm like a sociopath without the desire to kill.
No seriously, I want to live in a forest. I can't handle the world.
I smile the most when I am free. Or is it the wandering nature of my affection? Will maintenance ever be a possiblity? I want everything just once. It's like recycling.
I think maybe it would be a possibility someday when I'm ready to have tunnel vision. There are too many things I want to bury myself in a grave just yet.
Because love is pretty much the death of your life prior to it.


septemberTwentyfifth twothousand&seven
I'd like to be on my merry way now.
I need to be saved. Save me.
Facing my fears has only affirmed them. Now I fear I will never change. I am inherently this way. And it will happen again, no matter what I convince myself. It will happen again, and that makes me sad. What hope do I have????


septemberTwentyfirst twothousand&seven
I need someone more impartial to talk to.
Someone who will just listen.
Or maybe just someone who would at least understand.


septemberEighteenth twothousand&seven
Here I am and I'm wearing a blue shirt, I'm wearing a blue shirt. But I look and look and allll I want to do is wear anything but blue. All the other colours in the world look more beautiful than blue. All because I'm wearing a blue shirt.
Hi, I'm a narcissist.
The game is ONLY fun when you're playing.
PS thanks for reading my mind again, it always seems to be this way.
(But you're just a game I haven't played...)


septemberThirteenth twothousand&seven
Don't think.

crabs criccketing
their ocean is the sky
a whirlwind of gardens suffocating my vision
let the flowers fill my lungs they are
sweeeter than air

A weird thought today gave me butterflies.


septemberSeventh twothousand&seven
I should just marry my fucking homework.


augustThirtyfirst twothousand&seven
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........
NO ONE WILL KNOW MY DREAMS UNTIL THEY ARE ACHIEVED. FAILURE? TOP SECRET. It was allllllllllll in the plan, whatever the outcome, surely, it was my truest intention.
AS FOR THIS... I will have to stay for a while. But I AM WAITING, for a reason, I know it will come. Don't hesitate!
IT'S FUNNY, HOW I NEVER REAPPEAR IN LIFE. I drown myself in books during the school year, fully disconnecting from the world when exams have rolled along. During the summer, well, I'm making money every day! Where has time gone? I KILLED IT!
If I was worth it you'd look for me.
But in all fairness, I don't look for anyone. With the way times slips, the moment I realize I should probably take a looksie I'm like a year late or something. But life is always fresh and I never forget. Maybe I should.


augustTwentieth twothousand&seven
WHY CAN'T THINGS STAY SIMPLE FOREVER?????
A heart of stone is in my heredity. I am intolerant of humanity, it's so easy to overdose. Hence, the abandonment of elementary attachments and the friendship intervals in high school: "person of the month" - meaning, too much of someone leads to a temporary discharge. But hey, out here in the real world, friends aren't caged together day by day but instead meet on occasion, resulting in happy times. This is why I have a habit of straying - I have a limit. But distance is offensive and no one understands that while everyone is expecting more I just need a break. Casual is my heart's desire and apathy wins me over. Please don't think too seriously of me, I'm genetically incapable of reciprocating.


augustFourteenth twothousand&seven
OMG, STFU.

augustEighth twothousand&seven
I'M NOT SO SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT....
Recurring thought: I will ponder it forever. I wasn't even burnt out - I was convinced to give up... That's why it's sad.
Perhaps words are meant to compensate for absense... but I am overwelmed despite the lack of everything.
Sometimes I wish for disaster so I can have it all!!!!!
I'd be the first to eat all the apples cause it's all I think about.


julyThirtieth twothousand&seven
If I became blind I'd forget what it was like to see. No matter what, the fact is that the best part was ruined and I won't ever get it back.


julyTwentyfourth twothousand&seven
Dear diary,
I love life.
Beautiful concerts, the best schedule I could ask for, violining, overworking $$$, and whatnot. I'm content with my life representing puzzle pieces.
contentment? what contentment?
But you see, satisfaction doesn't come with completion. I strive for more, always. To be without a goal seems to make me feel lost. I wonder what will happen at the end of it all? Is retirement in my mentality?
And that's it. The fun is what leads to it. Perhaps that explains the familiarity of lessening enthusiasm.
Surely, anticipation isn't the end of the story?
Oh how I wish I could delay achievement in order to relish in the journey... and continue...


julySecond twothousand&seven
Honestly, it wouldn't be the first time I had a dream about you...


juneThirteenth twothousand&seven
"It is a defense mechanism."
But what if it's worse?

smooches,
<3 L