juneSixth twothousand&seven
Lol, stupid girls who rely on makeup. Thinking that someone is lacking something when they are natural is the mentality of an ugly person. You should be recognizable in the morning, but hey... everyday you don't look like yourself, you look like a product. Is that what you think is beautiful? Stupid, beauty is beautiful, makeup is not beautiful. It's so simple, I'm laughing.
mayTwentyninth twothousand&seven
RIP iPod. RIP macbook battery. You're next, cellphone.
It will be worth it in the end, I know. But it's hard to stay focused from afar.
mayFourteenth twothousand&seven
Four. Pretending everything is normal only magnifies my anger, because it shows that you lack remorse. Is this tasteless betrayal going to be an everyday occurrence? Something you won't even think upon because you don't deem it immoral? It's bad enough that you did it, but to not even realize it was wrong is even worse. Like a sociopath - aversion therapy is useless, they will kill again. Goodbye, you are cut!
A year goes by and my past has returned.
The difference is apathy. I no longer care, which pleases me. However I still find it entertaining.
I swear I'm genuine but manipulation can be so much fun. Because I lie I learn all I want to know.
But let's talk about something nice: there is always something to say even when there's nothing to say. And I am still happy even though I am sad that time is going by so damn slowly.
mayTenth twothousand&seven
I think I've discovered my biggest pet peeve: people who bail out of plans that *they* made.
Why bother in the first place?
I could be doing something so much better.
Uno. If you are going to bail out, at least do so with enough notice so I can do something else. If you are going to meet at six, and you live an hour away, you probably would know by five if you're going or not. So call at five, NOT. AT. SIX. It's a waste of time and gas and if I had bussed I'd just be plain mad. Maybe your life really is as hard as you make it out to be, but how can I believe you when it doesn't add up?
Two. You like the idea of having friends, you want people to think you have friends, but you really don't know how to / can't be bothered maintaining friendships. So, instead of making false, public plans which you make no genuine effort to actually see through and furthermore, you conveniently disappear, just crawl back into your hole.
An irrelevant third. You've done nothing with your life, you are a sad spectacle. You have no respect for those who care about you, which you find hilarious. Resulting in the loss of reality - this virtual world is *not* life.
WOW IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAVE RANTED.
aprilTwentyninth twothousand&seven
I'll be waiting.
One day is too long. Four months is longer.
I am sad.
You whisper half thoughts to me. Should we make believe you remember me from a holiday delayed by a storm? Should we chance our arms alarms set to high noon until the shiver in the river is gone?
aprilTwentyfourth twothousand&seven
GET OVER IT.
When I become a prisoner in my own home, I become mad.
If you think it was a long time, then it has been another long time. Therefore, whatever was created should have expired.
Reality: it wasn't a long time yet you have somehow escalated it into an imagined fixation.
The least you could do is pretend sanity.
As for me, I had such a wonderful time.
aprilTwentysecond twothousand&seven
Am I so dear? Do I run rare? And you've changed some: peach, plum, pear.
By the way, it's the worst time for words, much like anytime, for there is nothing left to say.
I am far to busy cramming, being happy, and dreading the moment this will end.
aprilSixteenth twothousand&seven
But the real question is, do I have the time to be happy?
I am amazed at every encounter, for learning proves to override my assumptions. The surprises never cease, expectations are fleeting: never did I think this would be so much more than I had hoped.
I had no idea I could be happy and at ease.
aprilTwelfth twothousand&seven
Final Fantasy + Stars = the most beautiful remix of your life.
I'm not sure when I will stop listening to this song on repeat. It is so beautiful, I actually almost cried. Wow.
I'm happy because I'm allowed to be, it makes sense and it's about time.
aprilTenth twothousand&seven
I am happy. So fucking happy. Nothing could bring my mood down.
Today, I passed math.
Barely. But that means that I *can* barely pass the final. Which means that I *can* pass! WHICH MEANS I CAN TAKE MATH NEXT YEAR!!!! (er??...)
Furthermore I am so excited for next year. Courses get more *interesting* each year as you start to specialize. Behavioural disorders? POETRY? :)
Stop playing games, fess up, take a chance, embrace reality - live, you're too young not to.
aprilFifth twothousand&seven
You look at me and you remember the world. Why am I not the only one you see?
Why is it you don't realize...?
IT IS OBVIOUS.
What do you want?
Everybody's gonna love today, gonna love today. Any way you want to. Any way you've got to.
Love love me, love love me.
marchNineteenth twothousand&seven
The better it gets, the worse it is.
Yet, the bad does not improve it either.
marchFourteenth twothousand&seven
Suddenly, I stopped and realized, I don't think I care anymore.
marchEighth twothousand&seven
Yeah, I don't know.
I kind of just want to sleep which is hard to do when you can't breathe 'cause you're drowning in homework.
Lacking sense.....
I'm gonna work it out cause time won't work it out.
marchEighth twothousand&seven
Time to recollect and regain perspective. I'm slipping in every aspect and losing myself in a mist of caffeine, advil, and delusions produced from lack of sleep.
One. I must focus on academics, above all. Though I have been keeping up with studies and finishing assignments, my performance is, as always, lacking. Moreso to a dangerous degree at this point. I have to *pass* math. And the very upsetting truth is the fact that I could so totally fail, which evidently means I can't consider taking math any further than this. Goodbye.
Two. It's time to restrain my behaviour from that of... butter. Spread everywhere, versatile and melting. Instead of looking everywhere I should stick to a tunnel. I need to come to a realization of where I shouldn't be and achieve a stone-like state once again. I am hard, I am heartless. Moving on.
It's weird and I know what to do but it's difficult when it's all you have.
marchSixth twothousand&seven
I'm winning. I have the trophy on my bookshelf, it's just in someone else's name. But it likes being here, so it seems.
It's passed the point of fantasy, but not to the point of reality.
I'd be happy even if it didn't work out. Time is not a concern, I just want it to happen.
februaryTwentyseventh twothousand&seven outside the sun is shining, it seems like heaven ain't far away
There are two things that remind me of childhood: sunny weather and the smell of paint.
When the sun shines, I also think: "It's a good day to be in love."
But when it comes to "love", the funny thing is, I can't distinguish it from lust. Or maybe, it's just cause I prefer lust?
Anyway........ :)
But I said if it happened I would stop believing in love. And just like that, I kind of did.
februaryTwentythird twothousand&seven
Insomnia. Fever. Hysteria.
whatever it is... the past two nights have been weird.
No good can come from it.
It could be oh so calculated or nothing at all. Truth is, I have no idea which one it is. I hope to find out, soon.
februarySixteenth twothousand&seven
``All I ever get is sad love: the unrequited kind is all I have procured.
And it was nothing at all like what I've heard about love``
Do you want to escape? There's a chase waiting for you to divert your state.
It's funny how little I trust people, but it is a means of protection. It's being head strong and stone hearted. Anyway, the point is, I am detached but it never ceases to stop being fun. And everytime I'm about to forget, something new happens. So I reconsider.
But I've always been a sucker for beauty.
Secondly, the appeal of something hard to attain will never stop amusing me. If it's easy, it doesn't feel real. Anyway, maybe I want someone as heartless as me, because I can't handle emotions I don't understand. and once again, forget - it's over.
februarySeventh twothousand&seven
It could be many things, but maybe that's all I really want.
Kay so... I really like the new Fall Out Boy single. Oh my goodness.
februarySeventh twothousand&seven
We do not want a thing because we reason; we find reasons for anything because we want it.
januaryTwentysixth twothousand&seven
Such beautiful words, but I know I'm right.
Because the only pain I feel is guilt.
Forget about me, everything that isn't worth it and the rest.
I am fixated, unable to avert my gaze.
januaryTwentysixth twothousand&seven
Optimism.
Look. Approach. Speak. Smile.
What a beautiful smile.
januaryTwentyfourth twothousand&seven
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL UP HERE
I DON'T EVER WANT TO LAND
Once upon a time, I decided to read on the bus. The moment I discovered I don't get carsick was the best moment of my life. I have so much more time now.
A thought or a gaze? Look again,
approach,
keep being beautiful.
A smile or happiness? Look again.
Look at me again & again & again &..
januaryTwentysecond twothousand&seven
Last night I dreamt of glass coffins and childhood.
januaryTwentyfirst twothousand&seven
Last night I dreamt of shortbread cookies and regret.
But I realize it's for the best.
januarySeventeenth twothousand&seven
Justification comes closer at the frequency of doubt.
Fear ensues when the sun pains our eyes.
Mourn for a loss but keep living.
If I eat a butterfly, will I feel it dance?
Regardless, I will mimic it, spinning round and round until my toes hurt.
januaryThirteenth twothousand&seven
To get rid of the wife whose continued existence bored him, he inveigled her into a desert spot, shot her four times, and then, as she lay on the ground and said to him, "You didn't do it on purpose, did you, dear?" replied, "No, I didn't do it on purpose," as he raised a rock and smashed her skull.
januaryThirteenth twothousand&seven
I WAS MEANT TO BE BORN IN NORWAY. BECAUSE, I LOVE VIOLINS.
I LOVE YOU, JULIAN BERNTZEN. I HAVEN'T FELT THIS WAY SINCE SONDRE.
It's not all at once, you see. It's whenever, whichever arises. Shi.
januarySeventh twothousand&seven
Trapped in an inferno where every which way presents a beautiful flame, tempting to hold on to, approach, or ignite. Ichi, ni, san.
Fire will follow oxygen. I breathe everyday.
From within myself. I am trapped.
From beyond sight. I am curious.
From the same as always. I haven't moved.
I could roll I could extinguish I could call for help - but I think I might allow myself to be engulfed.
I never cared for smoke.
januaryThird twothousand&seven
Nagai desukara...
Ni. Zutto. San. Atarashii.
Yume.
Laugh to erase the dirt on your mind.
Chikai.
New Years ohseven
The fantasy... or me.
I am not perfect, but I am a perfect me.
You fell for the IDEA, not the truth.
Not only did you fail to see me, you chose not to.
Self deception.
When things get dangerous I play with fire. I want it all and the game is on.
I want everything.
Boxing day ohsix
It makes something boring fun.
Why are you chasing me?
Because you are running away.
Xmas ohsix
I wish I could spend my day off doing anything other than celebrating xmas.
It may not be all, but it is the most. It is as much as I am capable of.
& for that, we can both be happy.
Wow...
I owned the class average in math, cause commerce is so high school. Why is this important? The dream hasn't been murdered yet. Right now, I'm liking the idea of English major, Math minor. Why? Because an english major is borderline useless, but it's the only thing I'm good at. But throw in some math and it's just cool. And pretty much the only way I have a hope at teaching.
decemberSeventeenth twothousand&six ``This shit... is owningowned me.``
DONE.
Done one half of the first of four (or possibly more) years. Yahah.
I am truly scared. I really hope I passed.
when did life become like this?
we aren't even awake, there is no time.
life escapes as you approach it.
zembu kowai desune.
decemberFifthteenth twothousand&six
ONE. MORE. TO. GO.
You don't forget even if...
(but i realize, that which is so much more is taken for granted whilst i notice what is not;
i dream of elevation of what was,
because/but i made it so.
protection: we pretend.
i wonder if reality ever reflected the figments.)
... everything is different, better.
i am lucky, but i have trouble allowing myself to believe so.
protection: we withhold.
but every so often i indulge in disbelief, amazed by it all.
decemberFourteenth twothousand&six
THREE OUT OF FIVE: DONE.
Well, I'm pretty sure I just failed Psych again. Oh well. I calculated that I could *still* pass even if I get 40% on the rest of my exams, because of extra credit and projects. Now, if I completely bomb an exam, I'm pretty much fucked.
So I was thinking, you know how some people just never get married or have kids? For the longest time I wondered why, and figured, that couldn't have been their choice, they must've just not found anyone. Like I couldn't imagine life single.
But it has recently dawned on me that there are some people who are probably just like that. Like it fits them or something.
And then I started wondering if maybe I am one of those people. I can't imagine being... married. Maybe the fact that I hate children is a sign.
Then again, lately, I can't picture my future at all.
decemberTenth twothousand&six
TWO OUT OF FIVE: DONE.
Most of us "no longer know what it feels like to be fully alert" due to sleep deprivation.
With avoidance, one does not restrain. Without finding, one is safe. But, regardless, one is the same.
decemberSixth twothousand&six Fixed.
ONE OUT OF FIVE: DONE.
I completely forgot the Mcds party tonight. It would've been awkward to go anyway, but it would've been nice to say goodbye.
I have no trouble leaving now, because it's nothing like what it used to be. But I miss how it used to be.
Or maybe, it's just, what it always comes down to.
Change is thrilling. You're pumped with adrenaline in pursuit of this new life, determined to be devoted. You want to avoid procrastination in your studies, listen and be keen and on top of things this time. You want to pick up that extra shift at work and flash that smile at your new coworkers and customers. You want to hang out with those new friends whenever they ask, and even when you're busy and they bug you on msn, you want to talk to them.
You want to start over. Finally succeed with habits you wish you held in the past. Create a lasting first impression, make bonds and settle. Settle...
But as I reflect... as everything else changes... I am the same. I don't mold, compensate, or settle. I will enjoy the present, sometimes even more, but it is so distinct that I can't help but think of how different it is. And then I miss everything.
decemberThird twothousand&six False alarm.
I just see now that it isn't enough.
Everything crumbles but do you fall? Eventually.
But, until then, I can
pretend.
I just wonder... will I ever be different?
decemberFirst twothousand&six Leaving.
I thought you finally found magic, perfection, it.
You told me
nothing else would matter when I found mine.
And I said it. I said it all along.
If this ever happened, I'd lose all faith in love.
...
novemberThirtieth twothousand&six
I hate the snow! Global warming? Yeah, I'm down.
So I'm going through that time of the year where I feel all nostalgic and watch old music videos that remind me of elementary school. I was watching 1979, and it made me realize... that being so young and free like that is pretty much over.
We aren't in high school anymore. That never really bothered me. But thinking that now, we're settling down, determining the rest of our lives, working hard, studying hard... and when we're finally done, we'll be old. Old enough to care.
The reward is adulthood. But all I really want to do right now is roll around in a giant tire.
(I'm scared.)
novemberTwentyfifth twothousand&six
I think I get it now.
novemberNineteenth twothousand&six
FOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUS.....
English is the only thing I'm pwning, but heck, I really just don't like writing this crap. Maybe it's because I didn't realize that astu was SUBALTERN STUDIES AND COLONIAL DISCOURSE........
I have the incentive to work hard, so why can't I?
FOCUS.
I have no trouble focusing on math, but when a test rolls along my performance is lacking.
FOCUS!
novemberSixteenth twothousand&six
It feels like I've been dreaming this whole time.
I swear, after grade 11, I've never been awake.
I'm having fun but I just never feel alert. Too little or too much sleep. One day I was sitting in booth and for some reason, I thought about how I used to work weekends at 6am, and when I went home... I would be able to spend the day doing homework. Somewhere along the way, I couldn't do it anymore; I would sleep. Then altogether I couldn't cope with those shifts.
What happened? That used to be fun.
And how I used to understand what I did wrong on tests. Like I made so few mistakes that it all made sense when I saw the results. Now it's all a haze and I'm not quite sure what's going on.
Commerce? I don't know if that's what I want cause I'll be STUCK in commerce. But it sounds so darned cool. I wish I applied first year... kind of.
novemberTenth twothousand&six
It's different every time.
novemberSixth twothousand&six
What is it? How do you know?
Does anyone ever really know?
Or do we just say it 'cause we don't know what else to say.
Well I don't know. Just because it feels right doesn't mean we are right.
(Still so young.)
novemberFifth twothousand&six
YOU"RE SO FUCKING SELFISH AND THIS IS WHY YOU DON"T GET A PEARL NECKLACE
Let alone my respect and love.
The weather sucks = winter blues
And once again I am overwelmed and dominated by this presence of GLAMOUR BLOOD, which, I THOUGHT would be escapable upon leaving high school, but, I guess some people just don't grow up? Why is it, people who think they're depressed have to always bring it up in conversation, REALLY loudly, so everyone else can hear as well? Holy fucking jesus EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS. A doctor's note doesn't make yours more important or severe.
'cause guess what, it's probably about the easiest thing to fake.
I could horrify you with reality, but see, I don't find blood glamourous.
What if I never find my major? Everyone says you will, like it's this rule in life. But it's not like I'm taking really random courses, in fact, I'm taking standard courses, and the ones I pass I will most likely continue. So, how am I supposed to discover anything new?
(What if I'm just not good at anything?)
octoberTwentyninth twothousand&six
On January 16th, 2006, I said:
``Someone told me the same thing you had said; instead of smiling I realized I just can't forget.
So what does it all mean?``
I always had such interesting things to say :) ..........
octoberTwentysixth twothousand&six
Russell's classic view of truth: a claim is true if it corresponds with the world. No vividness of one's belief will influence truth.
"I'm going to bring a parrot to class, but you won't see him cause he's invisible. You won't hear him, he doesn't speak. He's very clean so you won't smell him. Oh and you won't feel him either, he just doesn't even occupy space."
So without sense perception, am I expected to believe?
"Experience is the key source of justification. (Knowledge)"
Thanks, liar freak.
octoberTwentysecond twothousand&six
I love Sondre Lerche.
Lately I've been feeling really stupid. Like anything I do well is a fluke. That I fluked my way in and don't deserve it. Like I'll fail on everything relative to people who meet the standards. Like I'm kidding myself for just being here.
Regardless, whatever I decide to do, it won't be like anything I've planned. Because I'm not good at the things I like.
"Find a career you'll like and you'll never work a day in your life."
I'm going to be working my whole life...
Still, I'm pretty lucky...
I hope the next time it comes up, I'll agree so as to not have to deal with it :)
octoberEighteenth twothousand&six Ni. Iie. Iie. Ichi...
Why? Why now?
I'm not as strong as I pretend.
But I'm stronger than I used to be. So it'll be okay.
It has to be...
BECAUSE I FAILED PSYCH.
Time for a new life plan.
octoberFifteenth twothousand&six
Ichi.
Now is not the time to wander.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS PASS....
Sunshine & rainbows. Though a part of me is afraid.
octoberSecond twothousand&six
Is it really? Well, I hope so.
Haha. :)
septemberThirtieth twothousand&six
I'm not a bad person, I swear. I'm just selfish.
Very selfish.
But on the bright side, every night is a new adventure 'cause I always have a fairly vivid dream.
septemberTwentieth twothousand&six
Wakaru? Kono kimochi wa totemo hen.... Nani-ga hoshii?
Ichi, ni, san... mada...
shi... go...
Watashi-o mitte kudasai. Nani-o miru?
Then again, I seem to think the world revolves around me.
Soshite, wasureru. Itsumo.
septemberTenth twothousand&six
And that's all it is. Thinking, right?
Sometimes, I think it would be nice if you could live in your dreams.
One, two, three...
I can forget all, except...
