How to Give Your Cat a Pill
#1 Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook
of your left arm as though holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of cat's mouth,
and gently apply pressure to his
cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill
into mouth. Cat will then close
mouth and swallow.
#2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind the sofa. Repeat the process.
#3 Retrieve cat from bedroom, and
throw away soggy pill.
#4 Remove second pill from foil
wrap, craddle cat in left arm
holding rear paws tightly with
left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of throat with
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for
a count of 10, if you are able.
Hold cat's mouth closed as well.
#5 Retrieve pill from goldfish
bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call for assistance.
#6 Kneel on floor with cat
wedged firmly between knees,
immobilizing front and rear
paws. Ask assistant to hold cats
head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into cat's
throat. Flick pill down ruler with
forefinger, and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
#7 Retrieve cat from living room
curtain valance
#8 Carefully sweep shattered
figurines from hearth, and set
aside for later gluing. Remove
third pill from foil wrap.
#9 Wrap cat in beach towel,
and ask assistant to lie prone
on cat with cat's head visible
under assistant's armpit. Put
pill in end of paper tube you
have made for this purpose.
Then force cat's mouth open
with a pencil, and blow.
#10 Check label to make sure
pill isn't lethal to humans. Sip
water to take taste away. Apply
bandage to assistant's forearm,
and remove blood from carpet
with soap and cold water.
#11 Retrieve cat from neighbor's
roof. Remove fourth pill from
foil. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door on cat's neck and head
outside cupboard. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with rubber band.
#12 Fetch screwdriver from garage,
and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Throw
bloodied, ripped T-shirt away,
and fetch another from bedroom.
#13 Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving
to avoid cat.
#14 Call 911, ask fire department
to retrieve cat from eucalyptus
tree
#15 Remove remaining pill from
foil wrap.
#16 Tie cat's front paws to rear
paws with garden twine, and
securely tie to leg of dinning table.
Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves.
Force cat's mouth open with tire
iron. Drop pill, previously hidden
in one ounce of raw hamburger,
into cat's mouth. Hold head
vertically with nose pointed to
ceiling, and pour one-half pint
of water down cat's throat and two
jiggers of whiskey down your own.
#17 Ask assistant to drive to
emergency room. Sit quietly
while doctor administers
anesthetic, stitches fingers,
forearm and removes pill
remnants from eye.
#18 Drop off cat, along with
a generous donation, at
animal shelter, and adopt a
goldfish.
