The Revenge of Poo
By Jason Arthurs
This book is dedicated to homosexual dogs everywhere. Don't loose hope little faggots, be proud of who you are! This book is also dedicated to MAD magazine. They're cool!
And also, to Tom Landry because he's there.
No Irish pigs were harmed during the writing of this book.
"The Revenge of Poo" is a Poo Production � Copyright 1997
Foreword and Thanx
My name is Jason Arthurs, but I make everybody call me "The dumbass formerly known as Jeremiah 'The Hat Boy' Arthurs". My first book, "The Book of Poo", was a big hit until it was banned from my school by The Evil One. This one is my revenge. It is illegal in this state. This is an in-your-face book of Poo. Having been a Christian all my life, I wasn't surprised to see my book rejected by the public school system. These books represent freedom of Poo. Freedom from The Evil One. Freedom from the principal.
Anyway, I would like to thank John Henson, Josh Hitt, Barney the dinosaur, Conan O'Brien, George, but not Kyle, Wes, Brandon, Kenny, That One Guy, That chick at the 16th Street Cafe, peacocks, Five Iron Frenzy, Mxpx, Mr. Clean, Mad Magazine, Irish Pigs, Boris Karloff , but not Glenn Strange, Bela Lugosi, but not Ed Wood, Michale Graves, but not Glenn Danzig, El Ni�o, The Bearded Lady, The Charleses at the clinic, The T-Rex, and as always, my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
Chapter 1
More About Myself
My name is J. Jason Arthurs. I'm a Punk. I use my toes for everything -Eating, throwing dog bones at people, and even picking my nose (Kids, do not try this at home, I have a very rare medical condition that enables me to take my leg off my body and pick my nose. Other people cannot do it). My math class was shaken when I released my first book, "The Book of Poo". Everybody thinks I'm an idiot because I'm an idiot. Some people say that my books are funny and that I am cool.
First of all, my books are not funny. They are not even meant to be funny. I'm serious when I say that I am the Walrus, goo goo ca joob. Second, I don't think you are a very smart person if you like me. I suck. But If you are a chick, it is OK to like me. I love chicks! If I had chicks, I could be cool and get famous; but then again, I wouldn't want to be famous. I just want to ride my skateboard and pick my nose, and kick Bill Gates tail. I currently own half the USA My next step is to take over Canada and re-name it Eh-land. Canada is cool, eh? They spell stuff with U's that we don't, like colour. Cool huh. Canadians are cool.
I work as a spy for the FPI, but I'm not supposed to tell you that. Oh well, I'll just use that flashy thingy in the movie "Men In Black". But I'm not supposed to tell you about that either. I stalk people for a living. There's this chick I've been watching named Allison (If you come to this page Allison, I'm talking about another Allison, the one you don't like). I live in a place called Colohoma, Colorado. No one knows about it. It's underground with the mole people. I hate America's government because they're selfish and they waste America's money. Plus they hate me and they try to change me into a normal person. When I earned my country from Senator McCaffry, I made my own government. One thing I always say is "The truth is not out there", people are too selfish and stupid to tell the truth.
I have been a homeless, Christian grease monkey all my life. I have seen people eat crowbars before. My name is Clair. Once I was married to a blond Asian chick who called me Robert.
Chapter 2
The Rejection of Poo
This book is about how I wrote my book, rose to fame, got in trouble for my book, and then got mad and yelled at people. This book is my revenge for being rejected. This is the story of how my book was rejected by dumb people.
It was a happy day for me. It actually happened on National Box Day, November 20. School had just gotten out and I was walking towards my locker to get my stuff and surf to my lovely suburbian home to exchange wrapped boxes and eat from the bowl of stuff. I was about eight feet from my locker when the principal pulled my into his office with all the teachers. They took all the copies of my book. They were praying to their evil "Poo Gods". They started yelling at me about how they were "inappropriate" and how they had "Secret messages about killing president Clinton and a chick named Bri that I mentioned in my First book, "The Book of Poo
in chapter 10 "Do I like Bri". They ranted and raved about how by simply mentioning that I was a Christian in the book, that I ruined the "Good name" of public school and about how it was unacceptable. When I asked them why they think that stating that I believe in Christianity is going to ruin the supposedly good name of public school when in fact, public school is one of the things that caused Christianity to wither and fade in the mind of public school students and cause many kids to forget that "Thou shalt not kill" and go on shooting sprees thinking mildly "Oh, I got Johnnie Cochran, who cares, I have no guilt, people at school don't tell me that God says killing is rude".
And obviously, they knew they were wrong and that they had no answer, so they answered with a pitiful answer that makes all kids despise them even more by raising themselves higher than children, "I don't have to answer to you, I'm the adult, you're a child".
They took my books and said over and over again, "Poo books are the work of Satan". I asked them how could they be the works of Satan. You don't believe in Satan or God. And once again, they said pitifully, "Shut up, I don't have to answer to you..." "Poo Books are a sign of psychotic depression", and they took me to a shrink. So I'm now officially insane again. I'm glad that they took my Poo Books. Maybe when they get tired of yelling at students and waiting until their lunch break, they'll read it and decide to change their selfish opinions by actually reading it instead of just "correcting me" because it has the word Christ in it.
Chapter 3
It's In the Air, It's In Your Hair, You Can't Stop Poo, It's Everywhere
Poo is the least most nutritious part of an annual breakfast. There's a song I wrote in the 70's. It goes- Poo, Poo, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you throw up on the floor and have to clean it up. Nice song huh?
Poo has been mocked and rejected my every society. Never the less, Poo will never be conquered. Beware of Poo. You rejected it and now it's back to haunt you and make you say "I DID have sexual relations with that woman" and "I DID inhale". It seeks revenge for the horrible dumb, lies and senseless criticism it has received from people who are just too dumb to let me state my case. And also for the support from people who only like me because being an individual is the new trend and that will dump me in a few weeks because I'm no longer cool.
THE REVENGE OF POO
I am the royal jester for your powerful kingdom
I am mocked and made a fool
Just to entertain you
But when you look down
I will steal your crown
You will never know what hit you
I already own you
I am simply waiting for you to slip
This is my vengeance
Chapter 4
The Poo Bill of Rights
1. Freedom of Religion. You can be free to worship whoever you want, but in my country, public schools will be honest and real as opposed to the public schools of America.
2. Freedom of Poo. You can be weird and write Poo Books or any other weird stuff and not have them taken away by the evil one.
3. Freedom of Speech and crap. Same as it's supposed to be in America.
4. Freedom of Potatoes. You no longer have to eat soilent green anymore if you don't want to. You can eat potatoes. No longer will you be suppressed by the iron fist of carrots and celery. Potatoes rule supreme!
5. Freedom from Bill Gates. You don't have to be ruled by a billionaire with a bad attitude anymore. You will be ruled by a fat weirdo who pronounces his name POO�. But at least you'll be "Free".
6. Freedom from racism. You don't have to worry about being a victim of racist tyranny anymore. Racism is a thing of the past with *NEW* Proposition 13 outlawing all racism in The Poo Country.
7. Freedom of Your Momma.
8. Freedom of Monkeyism. No Comment
9. Freedom of Unicorns. Other countries use excuses such as "Unicorns don't exist, now if you don't leave, I'll be forced to call the police". No more petty excuses for you. Now you CAN be mauled to death by a mythical creature if you choose.
Chapter 5
The Bearded Lady's Potatoes
When I was but a wee lad, my mother took me to a motel where I met a bearded lady. Her name was Katrina. She wore a big yellow business suit. She cooked me lots and lots of potatoes and she fed me brocoli, and Macaroni and Cheese. And if it weren't for her, I wouldn't like brocoli. Even my friend Robby likes Macaroni and Cheese!
Now I love potatoes so much, I put one on my country's flag. I love Mac & Cheese so much that I inhale it through my nose now. And the bearded lady watched the same shows as me. That bearded lady was my role model. When I get old, I'm to start wearing a yellow business suit just like her. However, I'm not going to grow a beard after seeing how unattractive it made her look.
The bearded lady was the only good thing to come out of the eighties. I think she works at a gas station in Puerto Rico now. I don't know if she remembers me, but I sure remember her.
My Present role models are "Weird Al" Yankovic and John Henson. "Weird Al" makes fun of Michael Jackson for a living and John Henson hosts Talk Soup and makes fun of Jerry Springer (Who I also HATE). Some people worship Bombs. I used to worship potatoes, but now I worship God and I eat potatoes.
Chapter 6
Why the Government Sucks
When I was a child in the 1800's, I was proud to be an American. Then, the government stood for real freedom. People could stick their fists in their mouths or fries in their noses if they wanted to. The river didn't have toxic waste in it. Fish only had two eyes. Bibles were in the classrooms, God was in charge.
But now, OJ Simpson is drinking fine wine in a mansion in Hawaii. Clinton got off scott free! We support abortion and yet we keep murderers alive spending millions to take care of them. And yet not keeping them alive costs more money than housing them for the rest of their lives! With Lawyers fees and crap, it costs more money to kill them than to keep them alive!
America's full of hypocrites. Bill Clinton's living off our taxes. It's no wonder the world will be destroyed and we'll all be conquered by apes, damn dirty apes. The government taxes us to death.
���SCAR KILLED MUFASSA!!!
Chapter 7
Charlies Around the World
Now I have been secretly studying about everybody named Charles that has ever lived. And I have come to a conclusion. My conclusion is that every 8 out of 10 Charleses are EVIL! Here's just a small list of the thousands that I have found in the past three years:
Charles Darwin
Charles Manson
Charles Montgomery Burns
Charles Osgood
Charles Grodin
Charles Barkley
Charles Sanders
Charles Sender
Charles Chaplin
This is a small amount of the many, many Charleses that I found ot be evil. A small sum of the thousands of Charlies born each year.
My scientists have proven from three years of secretly studying that if you name your kid Charles, he WILL become evil! I must warn you people of America. Charles is meant for smart people. Charles Darwin was smart. But he was just insane. My scientists and I are working together with a small percentage of the good Charlies almost every day to produce a cure for all the Charlies of the world.
I have also found that Joshua is the best name for your kid if you plan to have him not be evil and not be a jerk.
IMPORTANT: You must name him Joshua, not Josh. All my freinds named Josh are total jerks and get into trouble all the time. For example, Josh Hitt, the Vice-President of Poo Productions. He is an asshole. Remember, Joshua, not Josh. Jesus is Joshua spelled and pronounced funny. Jesus saved the world. Joshua saved the world. See what I'm getting at here?
Chapter 8
Questions of Science
There have been times that I've doubted science. I've often been confused by science. There's several questions I have for science, like what's the scientific name for the flatulent gas that comes out of your butt? What's the nerve that tells you when you have to poop?
If we evolved from apes, then how come we all evolved back into Dr. Zaius in the end? How come in Star Wars movies and other crap like that, space ships explode even if there's no air in space? Because fire can't exist in a place without air. What is the scientific name for a booger spit?
Science is a very important thing. It teaches us all about how God created the Earth and how stuff got extinct. What they don't teach you, however, is the way we
pollute and screw up the environment and ruin the beautiful creation of God. Science is important. English is stupid and unnecessary. When in your entire lifetime will you ever have to diagram a
sentence in a job interview?
"Well Mr. Arthurs, you've filled out all the paperwork, but you didn't diagram the complete
sentence on page 3, so McDonnald's regrets to inform you that we have decided not to accept your application".
Anyway, if we keep doing scientific crap, then we can make dinosaurs out of tree sap and the T-Rex's can eat all the lawyers! Thank God for Science. When I grow up, I want to be a skientist.
Chapter 9
How To Destroy Tokyo
First, you find a lizard. Then you find a giant monkey. You throw the monkey on the lizard, then you have destroyed Tokyo. Next, the lizard gets extinct. Then the monkey rules the Earth for 2,000 years. Then this dude from the past comes up and says "Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty apes" or is it "Let my people go" I forget. Anyway, then he goes underground with the mole people. Then he destroys the world. Then he kills Dr. Zaius.
If you want to destroy an island off the coast of Costa Rica, then have Barney eat a lawyer. Then dinosaurs will be appreciated by people everywhere. Then they will rule the Earth for a couple hundred years. You can't destroy the world though. I won't let you.
Chapter 10
A Tribute to Mad Magazine
Having been a boy in a world of corruption for 15 years, I've gained knowledge of the passing world. Now that I'm famous and people pay attention to me, I would like to take this time to express my gratitude towards my favorite Earthly object, Mad Magazine. Yes sir, I probably wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the barbaric, clever team of writers. I enjoy taking the time to puke after reading the fun-filled adventure magazine such as Mad. The sound of the joy filled laughter that comes from reading Mad, oddly enough is very similar to my mating call. I owe my years of success and excessive weirdness to the near 50-year-old pleasure magazine. No, I'm not talking about Playboy; I'm talking about Mad.
Cracked Magazine is a complete ripoff of MAD. MAD's Fold-Ins, Spy vs. Spy, The Lighter Side of, and other various crap has enlightened us since 1952. just
imagine what the hilarious magazine will do in the future. And though I may get sued by the powerful magazine, I still pledge my allegiance to the astounding oddity known as MAD.
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