Cover by Brandon Gloom
Cover by Brandon Gloom
By Jason Arthurs
"The Book of Poo"
This book is dedicated to all the teachers and psychiatrists who said that I would never amount to anything in life.
CAUTION!
This book commonly refers to The Bible and
other Christian stuff! Keep away from the eyes of small children and/or liberal
parents
Comedy is great! Jerry Seinfeld is annoying. He goes on
and on about nothing! Jason's humor is very unique. He's annoying, but for a
different reason. He is weird. His odd and annoying behavior is entertaining. He
is willing to make a complete fool of himself in order to entertain others.
Jason is not afraid to do anything. His humor will revolutionize comedy as we
know it. Do not be offended by him. His opinions are as strong and as unique as
his humor. He might be odd, but he is OK.
Foreword and Thanx
This book isn't very long, in fact, it's the shortest book in
the history of bookkind and it sucks too!
Anyway, I would like to thank Josh
Hitt (he did all the work), the 4 people who read this book, that one guy who
makes fun of me for pointing at the light, the pizza delivery guy, that one
dude, James with the scary looking eyes, Five Iron Frenzy, MxPx, "Weird Al"
Yankovic, my dogs; to Wes, Brandon, and Kenny, keep on truckin', all my friends,
and most importantly, Jesus, my God, Lord, and Savior.
Josh Hitt would
like to thank that fat guy for subscribing to the paper while I moved to France
and bought champaigne.
Anyway, thanks to all of you!
Chapter one
The Story of My Life
I don't remember much of my life before the age of six, because I
was shot I was shot in the head in The War of 1812 and I lost my memory. Anyway,
I was arrested in 1969 for "The Great Hippie Killing Spree of '68". I got 10-15
years in the State Penn. After six months, I got out on parole. Then two years
later, I was arrested for running over a mailbox. I got life without parole.
Later, I got out on parole. I caused a big fire in 1983 using a bag of potato
chips and a stuck of gum.
Finally, it happened; on July 26, 1996, I went
crazy and those dudes with the white coats came and gave me a jacket for people
with very long arms.
Well, now I'm out. I'm in 8th grade and writing
this book. I've earned the respect of most of the people in my life. But little
do they know that their "friend" is going to take over their pitiful country and
force them to live in handicapped stalls in the men's ro om behind Denny's! HA
HA HA HA!
Chapter 2
The Insane Aslylumn
On July 26, 1996, after my 26th of July party, I went coo-coo and
I took a gun and gave it to my dog, and he ran around screaming at me, so I
threw my Chia pet at him. Then I ran downtown, but the stupid Eskimo's
patio was in the way cheesecake! I threw my pet gerbil into the tree and I ran
into Hell. It was hot and it sucked. I took a cannonball and jammed it in my ear
and pass ed out. When I woke up, these white dudes with green skin got me and
took me away. They gave me a coat with long arms and they tied it together. I
spent 5 months in therapy. All my doctors went insane, so they released me.
Now I'm a bass player for a hard rock country music band named the
Drunken Cowboys. I'm wrote this book to tell people why I am weird. It's because
I'm crazy
Chapter 3
The School Years
Chapter 4 The Chapter of Poo
Those of you who have ever met me or talked to me have more than
likely heard me say "Poo". Most people don't know what this means.
Poo is
mostly used as "my own little happy word"; another way of communication for me.
When I say "Poo", most people think I mean "Pooh" or "Poop". This pisses
me off. Pooh is a bear, Poop is an excrement, "Poo" is "Poo".
The word
"Poo" has been considered a cussword in Africa and has been outlawed. If you say
"Poo" or "Arthurs" in Africa, you could be fined up to $5,000.
Later, I
invented a fishy, meaty substance that I called, of course, "Poo". Later, I sold
my invention to a fast food chain named "O'Donnald's". They later grew to be the
8th most popular fast food chain in America.
Last year, I published a
book called "All you ever wanted to know about Poo, but were afraid to ask". It
gives you health info on the "Poo Burger", where it came from, and why not to
eat it.
Chapter 5
The Concept of Poo
In a society where the government doesn't understand what it takes to earn a living, taxing us $1.75 while we earn $2, then the effect of hito-burrito, wine-Champaign, cigar-cigarette, duck under plasma, and lake Champlain's butter cups and cherry mellow flies, then what does it matter if we understand the concept of Poo? If the smelling glass is full of potpourri and the drinking glass is full of cocaine, then little Billy 's going to Hell! And If O.J.'s got blood on his hands, then he goes free! The Wine-Champaign effect has a great effect on Johnny.
Chapter 6
Why?
Why do people cuss? It doesn't impress people? Why do people still make fun of me for pointing at the light? Why do we say "One country UNDER GOD" when it isn't true? Why am I the only one to ever hear of Christian punk bands? Why do people hate me because I'm a Christian? Why do we pay taxes that support crooked politicians? Why does everybody hate me because I'm a punk? Why did Josh say "Poo"? Why do people at City High School honk their horns like idiots all the time? Why do you have to pay people to get a hernia? Why do people go around flashing gang signs thinking they're in gangs when they really aren't? Why won't Laura go out with me? Why are the Rolling Stones still alive? Why can't Barbie hold a decent job? Why did Bob Dylan make the Beatles sing Crappy songs? Why do store s always do a security check whenever I come in? Why does everyone like Puff daddy? Why isn't David a jerk anymore? Why does Ben know Larry? Why doesn't anybody like the Beastie Boys anymore? Why do people always take my stuff?
"Why" is a product of Poo Productions © Copyright
199something
Chapter 7
Why? III
Why must I be who I am? Why are you who you are? Why is it 11:54? Why do we have belly buttons? Why must I bleed intensely when I cut myself? Why do I scream repeatedly when someone steps on my head? Why is that chick in front of me keep scratching her head? Why am I writing this? Why are you reading this? Why won't my dad contribute to the homeless amphibian's society? Why am I flunking American History? Why does my cat have no hair? Why do people blame me? Why do I wear a size 12 shoe? Why do my pants fall down when I run? Why do I like cheese? Why am I an American? Why do I care? Why are Mexican chicks s o hot? Why do women wear high heals? Why can't we preach our religion in schools? Why did the hamster die? Why am I blamed for that? Why aren't you reading something more intelligent? Why can't I understand the lyrics to Teen Spirit? Why did Kurt Cobain commit suicide? Why does anyone commit suicide? Why can't I get this chicken out from between my teeth? Why did I get in trouble for singing "The Battle Hymn of the Pencil"? Why does the wind hate me? Why did I throw my gerbil in the tree? Why does my dog have Darf on it? Why is my dog tone deaf? Why is it a law that you have to wear pants? Why did the clock push me down the stairs? Why can't a painting talk? Why did my cat eat a maggot? Why do teachers think that "Crap" and "Suck" are cuss words even whe n old people say them? Why are old people so darn nice? Why does everybody think I'm gay? Why do people smoke? Why do people like Marilyn Manson? Why can't I spell Marilyn Manson right? Why do you have to poop when you eat? Why do people think they can bea t me up? Why are people jerks? Why aren't you trying to answer any of these Questions? Why am I annoying you with these questions? Why is this the longest chapter in my book? Why do people keep asking me questions? Why don't you read this next chapter?
Chapter 8
A Note From My Psychiatrist
When Jason points at the light, although meaningless to others, he
feels the compelling power of the light calling him, soothing him, eating away
at hi s once "normal" lifestyle. We feel not the power that Jason feels in the
contrast of the light. We fear him, and we reject him, never thinking about the
effect it might have on his "mental area" as we snicker at his way of life.
Average man sets out each day expecting Jason to keep himself
entertained and take in malicious fun. But little do we realize that Jason will
grow intellectual in his light pointing frenzy. No Longer will mankind think
malicious fun of a man with a humor of a city school light. No longer will man
take a normal boy pointing at a light and put him in a reminiscing situation
while Jason kicks back thinking about how inevitable the light is to his mind,
no longer craving to point.
But as mankind spends life shoveling in
other's demands in order to put food on their family's tables, Jason sits back
in his rich environment thinking sweet thoughts of Poo. He is thinking of the
day of judgment when in Heaven, he will again take in the enjoyment of the light
that for so long has brought him to riches far beyond money, but riches of
intellectual comfort and a sense of freedom to point at the light as his spirit
is lifted upon God.
Chapter 9
How I Took Over the World
I hate Bill Gates*, and I get tired of
him running the world. He lets this stupid government run this country. The
government runs this country with the same respect that weasels have for prairie
dogs.
This country sucks! We've gotten too far from the Christian-based
nation that our country's founders created 15 million years ago. We've gone from
being proud of our fore-fathers to being rebellious to our four fathers. We've
gone from Bibles to condoms, education to this self-help crap. We've gone from
the church to the internet.
I'll tell you this; I'm sick and tired of
it. I'm taking over the world. I've started to take charge of my country. I took
a big laser, and I cut out New Jersey and I took a helicopter and I put New
Jersey on top of Montana, in Canada. I combined them and I made Monjersey, "The
Super State". I dedicated my taking over this world to two things. First, to the
rebirth of a safe country, UNDER GOD as our founders once said. Second,
to the bankruptcy of Bill Gates*. I will not stop
until Bill Gates* is dead
broke.
* Note: if you are Bill
Gates, and you have bought this book, then you should have paid a hell of a lot
more for it.
Chapter 10
Do I like Bri?
Lately, there has been a rumor going around that I like this chick
I know named Bri. And now, everybody in my town knows about it. And they're
making fun of me and her. And they want to know if it's true.
Well, I
have an answer. It's Yes. And I say that for many reasons. The first reason is
that if I say no, I could destroy the world.
Allow me to explain. If I
said no, then the kids all over town would have nothing to laugh at me or make
fun of me for. Then they would get depressed because they wouldn't have a sense
of humor. Then their depression would rub off on their parents causing the 2nd
Great Depression. Then the president would go on TV and make a speech about if.
Then the TV ratings would drop causing all TV and radio stations to shut down
and then there wouldn't be any reason for electricity. People would go insane
without TV or electricity, so everyone would go crazy and shoot everybody else.
Total anarchy all because I lied and said I didn't like Bri.
Plus she's
HOT!
Chapter 11
On Being Drunk*
Math class used to be my favorite class. The reason was that
everyone in it accepted my weirdness. Even the teacher was beginning to
understand my mental condition. Until I uttered those famous words, "I'm drunk".
Then I got taken to the nurse and I got drug tests and they took my
blood.
From then on, I was expected to be normal. That just plain
&*%@#$*ed up my life. And from now on, I'm supposed to be normal.
* NOTE: Poo Productions does not encourage drunkenness or any other slackardly behavior. Also, Poo Productions would like to further note that I WAS NOT DRUNK!
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