When you make a mistake, you need to own up to it. Especailly when you realize that you have hurt the person that you love by doing what you did. I need to make a few apologies. To Lisa who fell into a situation and was condemned for it. It wasn't her fault. I am sorry. Especially to Jason, I am sorry that I became such a raving lunatic. I guess when you feel like you are loosing everything, you will grasp and what you can and then make excusses as to why things went wrong and then you start believing things that aren't true, all because you are trying not to loose your mind, then I find that I already had lost my mind. I am truely sorry for anything that I have ever said that may have hurt you in any way. I know that I am not comeplety whole yet. I still have irrational fears and when I start to over think situations I tend to lean towards the worse case senario and then believe that it has already happened. That is not fair to you, to me, or to anyone. I do hope to become the strong beautiful woman that I used to be. I have a lot of healing to do and I have a lot of internal work to do. I have to face some fears and confront the memory of my mother. I hope to someday have my best friend back. I am glad that Jason and I are working on a new friendship. I only hope that I can be a better friend this time around.
I hope that you will all pray for me to be strong and courageous. I'll need all the help that I can get.
So what IS happiness? What is it that makes us feel good about life? Why do we spend so much time seeking it? And why do we seek it outside of ourselves?
I know...kinda deep. I always hear people say.."He makes or She makes me happy." That is a bunch of "Horse Shit" as Jenny would say. If you can't find happiness in just being you...you can't expect to find it in someone else. You can't go out searching for someone who will make you happy. It just doesn't work that way. My husband asked me once, when we first got together, "Do I make you happy?" He looked a bit upset when I told him "No." of course I continued with "only I can make me happy...I choose to have you in my life because I allow myself to be happy when you are around." Only I have control over my life. If I allow someone else to dictate or create the happiness in my life...I have given them too much control over my feelings. If I am unhappy it is because I am doing something wrong. Most likely I have become too emotionally attatched to a situation and have become unable to seperate myself from it. This is a problem that I have been having a lot lately. When I am able to distance myself and no longer allow myself to be emotional about the situation then I am able to close myself off from it..therefore it can't hurt me...therefore leaving me happy. A bit dysfunctional?...Yes...Am I able to survive? Yes...but for how long?....I don't know.
My goodness it has been quite awhile since I last made an entry. I apologize to all those who actually read my ramblings. Things have been so hectic that I have had no time to even thouroughly check my email, much less respond to everyone that I should.
The first great thing to happen over this last month was getting to go to Wolvenwold. It was such a wonderful experience. The land is so beautiful and the energies are incredible. I met some really great people. I will not list them as not to give out information that I'm not sure that I am allowed to do. I will say that they all know who they are and how much I think of them. They all showed me great love and compassion. I have learned a bit more about myself from them. I have learned that I am beautiful and desireable. I felt sexy and that felt good. I had never thought of myself as being sexy. Somewhat pretty, but never really sexy. Now I do...feeling this way makes me want to sing...dance....play...flirt...I just plain feel good.
This past weekend Jason and I went up to ST. Louis for PNO. What a good time. I was able to sit and talk with my new friend, Bel, and that was really good. I hope that she and I will be talking more. I got to learn a new cool game where you throw golf balls, that are connected by a string, at a goal that is set up at the other end of a measured distance. It was so much fun.
Life is getting really good. I have my up days and my down...as everyone does. This past month has had more down than up, but that seems to be changing.
Everyone send positive energies so that I will get this District Manager Position that I have applied for and things will really get good.
I've started my new job at Kinko's. I am having a great time and I really enjoy my work. When the day is over, I feel as though I've done something and I feel as though I have worked. I like those feelings.
Found out my best friend is pregant. I am very happy for her. I hope that you will all send her positive energies as well as vibes of love.
Life in general is really good right now. I have a feeling that they will remain that way for awhile. Jason and I are planning on moving out to Wovenwoad. We just got a speacial invite from the owner to move out there and build our Cob house. I am very excited and am looking forward to getting out there. There are always obsticals in life and it is obsticals that keep us awake. We know that we will be going against social culture by doing this, but society has really gone down hill. We want to live our lives and are ready to do it.
I will have some links to "Cob Building" sites as soon as I can get them. The links will be on the main page...look for them in the coming week.
Wow...the things that you will do. You tell yourself that one thing is right because society tells you that it is supposed to be right. But then, you have already decided what is right in your life and that it is good and better than what society has told you. Then when you are presented with that very situation that you have decided is better for you...well...those societal hang-ups start screaming in your head and you feel the need to go with society even though you know in your heart that you had already made the right decision.
I know that all of this sounds really strange to all of you, I'm just trying to work through it. Here is a ficticiouse situation that may help you to understand. Say that there is this married couple who have always stated that polyamory (basicly flirting and even making out with other people) is okay and that even having sex with someone else is okay because the true feelings and emotional commitment is what really matter. Sex is different from love. Well...say the wife follows through on this. She goes out, not meaning to or even looking for someone, ends up almost having sex with someone other than her husband. She tells her husband what happened, he is okay with it. No problem. Why does she still feel like she did something wrong? Society teaches us that we should engage in monogamy even though monogamy is really and truely useless and causes more problems than it can solve. I feel that she did the right thing, I belive the same way that she does. How can I help her to not feel guilty? Okay...you got me...so it is a true story, I just want to help her understand that nothing was done wrong. They had agreed and she acted upon the agreement. Her husband is okay with it and all is well. Society has all these strange rules that are just absurd and we need to just go back to the old ways where no man or woman is bound to only one person.
Ahhhh......a fresh new page to write words...there is nothing in this life like a new clean page of paper. Of course we hurridly fill that clean page of paper with ideas, thoughs, and many times simple little doodles. As humans, we have a great desire to leave our mark behind. Whether it be upon the stalls and walls of public bathrooms or in the well planned and thought out novel, be leave a bit of our selves behind, not just to be remembered, but to truley feel as though we have enfluenced our fellow generation and those to follow. Did L.Ron Hubbard know that he would start a new religion when he wrote the Dianetics? Okay...so he kinda did seeing as though he wrote it on a dare...he still wasn'r sure that it would work. Here is a better one...how about Marion Zimmer Bradley...she wrote a story about the women of the Arthurian tales and because of the following, not only was a movie made "The Mists of Avalon", but she basically had to write three preqauls because her readers needed to know more. I know that I am rambling...and I apologize...I'll get back to the point. I fill this new page with simple writings, not for the benifit of those who read it, but for the benifit of my mind that needs to be relieved. So I leave behind a bit of myself in oreder to preserve myself, in hopes that it may encourage and help others to do the same.
What a wonderful weekend. I had planned on spending it alone, curled up in my bed with cats, food, and good movies. I spent it however with my wonderful husband. I got nothing done that needed to get done, spent way too much money, but had a great time...
I think that I take my husband for granted too often. It isn't until I see how other women treat and speak to their husbands that I realize just how good I've got it. I have a husband who turely loves me and even though he dotes on me a bit too much...at least he dotes on me. I guess the best thing about him is that even though we are married...we have remained individuals. Don't get me wrong, due to social programing, I tried to become a stepford wife. I tried to become consumed by him. I tried to be demure and encouraged him to make all of the important decisions. Being the wonderful secure man that he is...he wouldn't let any of that happen. He encouraged me to be a strong independent woman. He refused to make the decisions alone and made me help make them. He is the perfect man. Unafraid of strong, outspoken, extroverted women, he embraces me just as I am. God love him.
Boy do I need to keep up with my journal entries. Things are just crazy right now with Final exams and looking for a new job. However, finals will be over for my students at 2:30pm today and I was just hired yesterday for my new job.
I know this is going to sound really lame, but I am excited about getting a job at Kinko's. I know...I have a Master's degree and I am working at Kinko's...doesn't sound very good. Here is what is great about it. After my contract with ASU runs out I would have to return full time to my position as Assistant Manager at a department store photography studio. This would mean late evenings, no weekends off, and having to work with screaming children and their inconsiderate parents. At Kinko's, I will work 9-5 Monday thru Friday....no weekends....no screaming children....no inconsiderate parents of screaming children. AND it will pay me the same as I would be making as Assistant Manager at the portrait studio. Less responsobility at the same pay. How good can it get? I am really excited...there is room to move up in the company and I qualify for many of the higher positions...I want to learn the business before I apply for the higher up jobs, but they are their just waiting for me to grab them up.