Looks like this will be the last entry on this page.....Click on the "Journal Page 2" link for new entries. I hope that you have been enjoying my rantings and raveings. If you have a question or comment about anything...please sign my guest book and I'll answer your questions in my journal entries...I'm no "Dear Abby" but as I find that my rantings help my life...I'd like to help others as well.
I don't understand why so many preachers feel the need to yell and scream at their congregation. Those who go to church do so in order to hear the word of the Lord and to bring greater understanding to their beliefs, ideas, and faith. We don't go to church to have someone yell at us and tell us how horrible we are and have someone make us feel like horrible people. Aren't we supposed to lift each other up? Aren't we supposed to guide with a firm yet gentle hand? Aren't we supposed to be happy that we are saved? Aren't we supposed to be thankful and rejoice at His name? We shouldn't go to churches that make us feel bad to be alive. We shouldn't go to churches that make us hate ourselves. If we each have God in us then we should be rejoicing...not lamenting our past mistakes. I know that there are churches out there that do not do these horrible things and I am thankful for them.
The Gods and Goddesses fill our lives with that which we want. If you spend your life feeling unworthy...then you will not lead a very happy or enlightened life.
I love it when old friends come back into your life. An old friend from my undergraduate days at Lyon College found me again. She is in Florida working on her Masters Degree. I am so proud of her and am really enjoying emailing back and forth with her.
I have been wondering about something lately. I have begun to notice that mine and my husbands days just aren't matching up lately. Our moods aren't in sync. I know that he is really excited about getting all of his performances lined up, and I am really excited for his as well. And I guess that really isn't the point or the problem. I just find that when I am tired, he is hyper and when I am hyper he is down. I know I need to discuss this with him and I am...he is actually on his way over to go to lunch with me right now. He is such a wonderful man...and I love his dearly. We just have to get our moods back in sync.
*I can't believe I said Nsync twice...giggle*
Not only have dark clouds rolled in to my little town, they rolled into my heart last Friday afternoon. I discovered..or should I say...came to terms with the reality that a few people I thought were my friends...weren't. I felt this coming just after New Year's Eve. I knew something was wrong but for the life of me, couldn't figure out what it was. I found myself being phased out of the lives of my two good friends. I don't know if I did anything wrong or if they just decided that I didn't belong anymore. I send an email (I know should have confronted her face to face, but I have an overwhelming fear of convrontation) to one of them about a month ago and asked if I had done something wrong. Nothing was said about the email but I was all of a sudden included again. Then my invitations were refused with trivial excuses and then the last two fridays I had asked to join the group for lunch. The first friday I just figured they forgot that I wanted to come along. This last friday though...I asked to join them...I heard one say are you ready to go to one of the other ones...I went into my office to grab my purse, looked out my window and saw all of them rushing to their cars as if afraid I might catch up. I knew they...or accepted then that I was NOT wanted.
I don't think that I am a bad person. I can't think of anything that I could have done to make them not want me in their lives anymore. I didn't know where they went for lunch and it would have been stupid to show up. So I took a note over to one of their homes saying "I get it, I understand. I will not beg to spend time with you and I will not force my invitations upon you any more." and left it at that. No call from any of the three that I addressed it to. Monday came and went only one of them spoke to me and pretends as though nothing is wrong. One of them wont even speak to or look at me, and the third smiles and says nothing. The same continues today.
Thinking that I was this horrible monster, I talked to my husband about all of this. He encouraged me to talk to my real friends. The ones who have stuck by my side through thick and thin. The ones who will tell me straight to my face that I have done something wrong. The ones who accept me as I am. I spoke to two of the three that were available and reaccounted the happenings. They say I am better off without the three that broke my heart. I agree yet am heart broken still the same. It hurts to be rejected. I understand that not everyone is going to love me...I know that...it still hurts though.
It is a beautiful day already and my only wish is to be outside enjoying it. I will soon enough though. I only have one class to teach today and it is over by noon!
Today in my Theatre History II class we will be discussing the play "The Hairy Ape" by Eugene O'Neill. It is an expressionistic play that deals with "Man's" need to belong. As I read the play for the third or fourth time, I started to realize how we all have these beastial and intense feelings that we hold in everyday that somehow must find a way to be expressed. Either through the physical that we see through the main character "Yank" or in a more subdued, passive agressive way. There have to be better ways in which to release the "Ape" inside us. It is our charge as humans to find that way which is healthy for each of us. And sometimes you just need to let out a primordial scream....and it helps.
So today...take the time to learn how you release your steam...and if needbe....go out and scream!
I want to wish my very best friend in the whole wide world a Happy Birthday today. She knows who she is and knows that I love her very much.
I got to see The Arkansas Rep.'s Version of "Romeo and Juliet" last night. The set was incredible. The costumes were lacking (except for Romeo's pants...thank you for that view....yummy, and most of the acting was right on. It was time well spent. It was the first time in a long time that Shakespear didn't seem to drag on and on and on and on...you know what I mean? There were a couple of scenes last night that I thought to myself..."Would you die already?" or "Just take the damn potion!" Then I have to remember that Shakespear was writing about a 14 year old girl and 14 year old girls ramble on and on and on and on.
I really enjoyed helping with the load in of the set. It was nice to get out from behind my desk and get my hands dirty. The set went together rather easily and was wonderful to look at.
Yesterday was just a wonderful fun filled day. I got to see a great play and watch a great movie all in one night. I showed "Savage Innocents" to my motion picture appreciation class. They all complained as they left, but many of them really liked it. I got them thinking about their own moral values and that is always great. I love to make them think!!!!!
Things are still strange in my world. It seems that everyone is okay with me, but no one has come to discuss the happenings. I understand the fear of confrontation...I deal with it every day of my life. I tried though...that is all that matters.
I came accross a quote today that really puts things in perspective.
"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal not people or things" ~Albert Einstein
Ain't it the truth though. Other people will only let you down. You are the only person that can build you up.
I had a dream last night that was really cool. I think that it would make either a great movie if not that at least a cool made-for-TV type thing.
I dreamed that this woman and her husband were getting a divorce. They had met at this beach to sign the final papers (I don't know why they would be meeting at a beach but they did) Anyway...for some strange reason they decided to go for one last swim together. While swimming he tries to kill her by hitting her over the head with his flippers (swimming flippers...not that he is part fish). He is unable to kill her just amnesia. He is able to convince her that they are still married and life is great. He is even able to get their two son's to go along with the lie. It is when she finds a bag of old love letters hidden in the closet that she starts to learn the truth of his infidelity. The cool thing about the dream was that during the time that he was convincing her of their love for each other...they were REALLY falling in love all over again.. I woke up feeling as though they would work things out and be happy together.
I know that there are many dreams that mean something subconsciously. I don't doubt that one bit, so those of you who may be trying to read into the meaning of this dream...don't worry so much. I think that much of the dream has to do with my feeling left out of my husbands musical life. I accept that he NEEDS to have the music...I just feel a little left out.
Lately, my husband has been encouraging me to find what it is that I NEED in my life. I can't spend my life dependent upon him to make me happy. This could lead to a codependency in our relationship. This would be unhealthy. I think the bag of old love letters is me saddlebagging. Trying to hold on to the old feelings that hold me back and encourage my typical defeatist/fear of failure attitude.
Waking from this dream gave me a good feeling. I can get past my old ideas...I can become who ever it is I am to be, once I figure out who that is, but you know....It is okay that I don't know who I am. I'm not going to whine anymore about not being able to be me because I spent my life being who everyone else wanted me to be. That is in the past and that feeling needs to be put into that bag of old love letters. I need to keep the bag to remind me of who I used to be so that I can move forward into who I will be.
Life is good and is worth living!
I wanted to leave some sort of grandiouso thought or idea for everyone to think about. While trying to think of something...I remeber what my husband and I talked about the night before last.
I have come to realize that I don't know what I really want to do with my life. A little late, I know. I already have a Master's Degree in Speech Communications/Theatre. I have spent most all of my life learning about the arts without learning about myself. Hard to do? Not really. When you spend as much time as I did, doing exactly what was expected of me....then you forget what you really want. Not what others want for you, but what you want for yourself.
I find that a have a bit of a knack for photography am a good teacher and am a really great cook. I guess it is time for me to explore one of them to see if it is what I want out of life. I am teaching right now and love it. I feel a little empty though. I cook and all I do is eat what I cook and get fat. I think I am going to explore more of this world of photography. It is a start.
So here are my words of wisdom today:
Seek out that which you yourself love. It can be found in only those places that you want to go.