gimmick

    I know a long time ago, I said that I was going to become a monkey. Thanks to my "school" sucking, I don't think that's going to happen... at least for a little while. But, Spring is upon me so I don't really hate being a human... at least for a little while. The warm weather and everything always cheers me up. And, as usual, I'm lookin' for love.
     In order to better my chances I think I need a gimmick. A lot of bands and celebrities and businesses make it because of gimmicks. Look at Exxon, they have that new "swipe and pay" thing. And that new "drunk guy beating up the attendent because he fell asleep and the drunk guy wants to buy cigarettes" gimmick. And how about AC/DC with their 80 year-old guitarist who isn't just a novelty for being ridiculously old, but because he still jumps around stage in his original school boy uniform gimmick. Or there is Pizza-hut who tries to bypass the fact that their pizza is rotten by offering many variations of disgusting food (stuffed crust, personal pan, and their latest twisty crust.)
     The obvious gimmick would be my tuxedo which I picked up at a rummage sale for THREE DOLLARS. Despite only costing THREE DOLLARS, it's actually nice looking. And I mean the real kind of nice, not nice in the same way as my turquoise old man pants are. The Tux is a nice gimmick. And, it'll be even nicer if I can find a yellow jump-suit to wear underneath it.
     The bullhorn is also a nice gimmick. However, despite my talk, I don't actually have the balls to pick up chicks using it. Sample dialogue:
               Me: Do you think I'm sexy because I have a bullhorn?
               Girl: No.
               Me: I can't hear you. You don't have a bullhorn. (Hang head in shame)
     Now, those gimmicks are all well and good, but I think I've come up with the gimmick to beat all gimmicks -- A prosthetic limb. The way I look at it, if I lost my arm girls would feel guilty turning me down. And if they do turn me down, I'll accuse them of hating me because I'm crippled. Then I'll run away crying, which should be enough. But, to top it all off, as I run away "hurt", I'll drop my arm.
     Not having arm + Crying in pain + Dropping fake arm = SOCIAL SUCCESS.