| This is a little piece I like to call... The Most Depressing Thought I've Ever Had. |
| Now before i go any further, i gotta warn you... this one becomes a real bitch session halfway through, and i think there is a joke or two somewhere. But the depressing thought, isn't that depressing. At least, i think it is humorous in its stupidity. Yeah... so I woke up on my birthday about a, wow.. two months ago already. (You can tell i wrote this a while ago so i guess you can tell who hasn't bothered to update in a while because he's lazy... no not Mason... well yeah Mason... but me too.) And, I figured out why birthdays are depressing. I've never really gotten depressed about aging or anything like that, I think that's crap.. and yes, i can still say that because I am young. Although, i miss being a kid and I miss some of my friends and how they used to know how to have fun before they tried to be "mature," or what a thirteen year old thinks they have to do to be mature, which generally consititutes ruining anyone else's idea of a good time. Of course, i do have some friends that i wish would grow up just a little bit, but i think i thought that back in the day too. I digress... I got a little down because birthdays are dumb. I know when i wake up that it is going to be the same as every other day except my female friends are going to call me even if they haven't talked to me in a while. And i know that it's going to be the same, but for some reason there's that little part of me that is a little to big for my own good, but that little part of me hopes against hope that something specacular is going to happen. But did I step outside on March 5th to see a zebra in a top-hat offering me a hot-air balloon ride? (note to self: buy hot air balloon to go with space helmet, become coolest person ever.) Did I see that? No. No I did not. And for some reason, I'm disappointed at the end of the day when nothing happens. Of course, this birthday was worse because i was sick, and i lay and watched tv all day. But, the real reason that birthdays are depressing is because they are milestones, and they magnify what's wrong in your life. On my birthday when i woke up, it wasn't just "I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have money, I hate where I go to school and where I live." On my birthday when I woke up, it was: "I don't have a girlfriend... and I'm twenty. I don't have any money... and I'm twenty. I hate where I go to school and I hate where I live and I have no direction, and I'm giving myself an ulcer while I hyperventilate because I'm having a panic attack after not sleeping or eating for two weeks... and I'm Twenty. " On the plus side, I've lost some of that weight that i finally put on... not that anyone could tell I put on weight. So... that's kinda down I guess, but I haven't gotten to the kicker yet. Here is: The Most Depressing Thought I Have Ever Had. It hit me... a while back Travis and I were talking, (this is funny because he is one of the only people who is going to read this probably...) he tried to tell me that I'm wrong, and god I wish I was. But, it occurred to me recently that the best relationship I have ever had with a girl (not counting my, at times, awesome friendship with Crystal who even if she doesn't talk to me for a year still seems to know me better than most people, and I guess my friendship with Tracy is good too... but this is part of the problem, they're just friendships.)... anyway... best relationship with a girl? Joanne Brys. Yeah, that's right. The best relationship I've ever had with a girl is the fictional one that was entirely inside the head of a crazy person... a really crazy person. But, she never lied to me, she never led me on. She never used me to make her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend jealous. She never made my heart race when I saw her (except out of fear occasionally) or when I knew she was calling (because she wasn't ever going to call me.) I never ditched my friends for her (she'd just imagine herself there). I didn't fall in love with her, and she never made me think that she returned those feelings, when she didn't. She never used me to make her laugh, and feel better and listen to all of her problems and entertain her when she was bored or crying or just needed something to kill the time before she fell asleep or could see her ex-boyfriend. (because she never talked to me.) She never told me that I'm so great she doesn't deserve me (even she isn't a crazy enough person to say that, because that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.) She never told me that she wished she could date a guy like me, and then continued on to say practically in the same breath that she is so glad that we're such good friends. (okay, I take it back, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life.) She never did that because she is an amazing person, the one girl on Earth who isn't out to fuck with my head (I have proof that I will get to later.) She never did any of that because she recognized that just because I am sensitive and a good listener and I can't fix her car -- I'm NOT GAY. And that is for a really good reason, that very important reason being that I AM NOT GAY. Or maybe she never did any of that because she is nuts and never talked to me... ever. and she's so crazy and backwards she doesn't know how to use a phone... or how to get her mind to not work against her. |