“Speak for yourself! I’m 16 years old. My entire body is effectively one big dick.”
“How old is he?”
“16.”
“How old are you?”
“20.”
“No problem with that, you’re a vampire. I mean…”
“Rite of Pants is a Rite of Death, right?”
“His human name is not ‘You Bastard!’”
“Shut up, stupid lupus. Let the Glass Walker do the thinking.”
“Can we please call it an auspice and not a thang?”
“I have much more interesting people to talk to. They’re all dead.”
“Dear Professor, I’ve been suffering from a slight case of death…”
“He’s in Crinos, and he doesn’t look very friendly.”
“I try to trip him.”
“Can werebear Care Bears give the Werebear Stare?”
“I’m staying in lupus form. No one’s seeing my jujubes.”
“There’s a naked woman in your trenchcoat. Do we have to paint a picture?”
(about metis) “They’re perversions of Gaia, but that’s why we love them.”
“I have all my Rage. But I’m still just a rat in a cage.”
“He exists for two reasons: to keep us in line and to hit on the Black Fury.”
“Yes, we spent our week in that warehouse sniffing each other’s butts.”
“Tell me Frank did not just feel me up…”
“I’m tired, I got bitch-slapped by some elder, and all I want is to feel Brian up.”
“I kind of chuckle. It’s a wolfy little chuckle.”
“He looks like Jesus, only HUGE!”
“I got a 3. No, wait, that’s an 8. No, wait, that’s a 2.”
“No! I do not want dirty Crinos Garou butt-sex!”
“Three words come to mind: dedicated edible underwear.”
“I’d like to point out that my dick is still in my pants.”
“Why is it that White Wolf games always seem to involve sex?”
“Garou shall not mate with Garou, Frank.”
“And no one shall mate with my ass.”
“If deer gave birth to goats, that would be so cool!”
“I’ve lived in St. Paul my whole life, and so far, it’s never been a problem.”
“That’s because you just started playing tonight.”
“That shake machine is looking at me funny…”
“…And then it’ll be all like, ‘Hey, I’m poppin’ out now!’”
“Your Kinfolk is your soulmate, and its name is Poopy Dick?”
“Actually, I prefer to think of them as the fuzzy tanks of Gaia.”
“Yay! Kill the NPC! That’s what it’s there for!”
“It’s the magical ability of ‘point at the Bane-spirit and make it kack.’”
“So currently, I’m possessed…”
“I stick Frank in my bowl and cook him!”
“Woohoo! Puntable Bane dog!”
“Maximum renown, minimum effort!”
“Do you know what happens when you eat Wyrm spawn?”
“Um…you get diarrhea?”
“He was raised by fomori. He was bred to pull fomori sleds.”
“I think we’re being followed by someone who can’t see us.”
“…And then they all pop out of the snow.”
“Like daisies?”
(Pause.)
“I can’t believe you just compared frenzying werewolves to daisies.”
“Oh, it’s just Ice-Dagger and his homie Gs.”
“So we could just take him over there and let the fomori take care of him. Then we could drag his body back to the caern and be like, ‘Look what the Wyrm did! By the way, Ice-Dagger was bad!’”
“Tell me you did not just say ‘buku good.’”
“Crazy Indian Boy can get out of any situation!”
“Dude, he’s not MacGuyver.”
“He might as well be!”
“Yes, Frank steps sideways by staring at his own ass.”
“Hey, giant Crinos dick in action!”
“Doggie! I don’t wanna steal your…Condom Crunch.”
“Yeah, I’m just like, Huge Size merit flappin’ in the wind…”
“I thought only Glass Walkers sat on their asses like cowards.”
(from the other side of the Umbra) “You bastard!”
“You’re so lucky I don’t like the Umbra, or else right now your face would be smeared all over my fist.”
“Shadow comes through…”
“Like a bat out of the physical world!”
“When did your physical journey end and your spiritual one begin?”
“That’s a very polite way of saying, ‘When did you guys die?’”
“Can I roll to drink my tea?”
“Sure. Dexterity plus Etiquette.”
“What’s the difficulty?”
“For you? Seven.”
“Can I bind it to a rock and then throw it in the river?”
“Imagine what you could do with a Wasting Bane.”
(Pause.)
“Dude, we could stick it on Ice-Dagger! And chase him off the cliff! And beat him at the bottom!”
“I can’t lie, so I just won’t talk.”
“That’s a good position. My wolfishyness tells me so.”
“You even shift like a badass!”
“Dude, I’m a wiseass already!”
“That’s like attacking a tree and getting Honor for it!”
“Maybe we could get the poodle as our totem.”
“Were you put on Earth to torment me?”
“Our pack name could be ‘Servants Of The Wyrm!’”
“What about ‘Sparkling Moonlight?’”
“Okay, you don’t get any more ideas.”
“This is my first night sleeping in Homid form. Ooh, Homid form.”
“I’m just gonna reminisce about haggis.”
“No! He makes haggis for you and you eat his haggis, you sick bastards!”
“You would’ve been like, ‘I’m gonna lick you!’ and just taken a bite out of his pancreas instead.”
“We’re finishing off Butt-Muffin.”
“That means they’re bad werewolves, right?”
“That means they’re Black Spiral Dancers.”
“That’s bad.”
“Yes. On the plus side, there’s only six of them.”
“I wish I had a battle scar. Chicks dig the battle scars.”
“Her werewolf name is ‘One-Whose-Boobs-Are-Naked?’”
“Hi. Um…my name is Frank, and I’m pretty sure that you’re a Gurahl.”
“Damn it, why didn’t I bring my own Gurahl?”
“They’re like, ‘Dude! You’re not a bastard!’”
“Two-handed Crinos goose? Icky.”
“Are there any local zoos?”
“Yeah, that happen to have a basilisk?”
“It’s a moot. We come together, we do our business…”
“We piss all over things…”
“Aah! Bill Gates in Crinos!”
“We have a very young Glass Walker with us tonight who just saved the world…” (Spoken by Bill Gates.)
“Did you just say ‘crazy nun-killing sex?’”
“Two guys doin’ it in a box in an alley?”
“In Minnesota?”
“In January?”
“An eshu and a werewolf?”
“I’d be scared.”
“Is this room as in room, or room as in anal sex?”
“Has he had time to get a candy bar? Has he had time to give you a necklace? Has he had time to buy you a wedding ring?”
“So it turns out I’m a werewolf…”
“Hey, Iain? You should know that while you were on the phone, Frank broke the Veil twice.”
“He doesn’t do porn. Just seals.”
“Dude, Bill Gates is coming on to you!”
“Time for me to go get bitch-slapped by Granny Megadeath.”
“Must…have…boinking!”
“I left a Crinos-sized poop in there!”
“I’ve decided that Brian’s mother and father would not appreciate total flaming gayness…”
“You walk into the kitchen and you’re like, ‘Aah! Refrigerator! Stove! Dishwasher! Microwave! TOASTER!’”
“Gash reminds me of Vash.”
“Yeah, only she’s a Nosferatu, female, and not an anime hero.”
“You know what I just realized? You can make anyone’s name automatically cooler by adding the words ‘the Stampede’ on the end of it.”
“Beth the Stampede?”
“Hell yes!”
“Poodle-Hunter the Stampede?”
“Shut up.”
“I made her un-pregnant! (pause) Wait…”
“I don’t wanna be a werewolf if it’s not on the weekend!”
“I was being a pack leader, not a horny dog.”
“Ooh, Theurge-y goodness.”
“You just haven’t lived until you’ve seen Richard Nixon in a tutu.”
“Is that all it does? Moves, chews, moos? And probably poos?”
“I scratch an itch behind my ear and wonder, ‘Has Coramon given me fleas?’”
“Baths are not of the Weaver!”
“No, they’re of the Wyrm!”
“Okay. I shift into Homid, and then I pet the baby mastodon.”
“Does anyone here have a spirit bazooka?”
“They’re so crazy, they don’t realize they can’t do it! Whoo!”
Impersonating the Count from Sesame Street:
“Seven! Seven Nexus Crawlers! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
“She takes a business card out of her pocket…”
“It’s silver!”
“You’re now alone with Alice.”
“I’ll give you a dollar to eat her!”
“Okay!”
“We’re waking up the dead people!”
“You guys are so juvenile.”
“But it’s a klaive gun!”
Upon realizing that two of our members are missing eyes, one is missing both ears, and two of them have broken jaws and speech impediments:
“We be the pirate pack! Yarrrrrrr!”
“Now that I’m missing an eye, what can I do with the cavity?”
“You’re going to bind a spirit to your vacant eye socket?”
“Oh, so that’s what a Nexus Crawler looks like.”
“…And then I pick up my light bulb of flesh.”
“Heh. You said ‘tungsten.’”
“He’s gonna be like, ‘Dude! Have some beer!’”
“Stupid battling grandmas.”
“Would it be honorable of me to challenge him if I want to ride shotgun?”
“…Because just about any Dairy Queen could be corrupted by the Wyrm.”
“Let’s go to Amoco. They have better trash.”
“Apparently, working for the Wyrm doesn’t pay very well.”
“I wonder if you can turn anything into a farming metaphor. Like, ‘Oh, God, my wife really put me through the grain thresher last night!’”
“Does that mean she has braces?”
“Time to pump this chick for information!”
“That’s not all he’s gonna be pumping…”
“Dude, she’s horny! You don’t need persuasion!”
“I can’t believe you just applied the word ‘tempting’ to a Nosferatu.”
“I’d write a song about it, except I was unconscious at the time.”
The PCs:
Brian Cramer, a Glass Walker Ahroun. Aka “Poodle-Hunter.” Played by Beth, who is a Glass Walker Galliard.
Coramon, a Bone Gnawer Ahroun. Aka “Fearless Leader.” Played by Iain, who is a Bone Gnawer Ragabash.
Corey Arnette, a Child of Gaia Philodox. Aka “Boobs.” Played by Anne, who is a Stargazer Theurge.
Frank Brassini, a Silent Strider Theurge. Aka “Gooser.” Played by Daniel, who is a Fianna Ragabash.
Paul, an Uktena Galliard. Aka “Crazy Indian Boy.” Played by Noel, who is a Stargazer Philodox.
Storyteller: Missy, who is a Silent Strider Ragabash.