Sex, Lies, And 20-Sided Dice

Yay! The other day I got my first email about this site (and, specifically, the Out Of Character essays). So what did I do? I devoted an entire column to it. (c; Actually, the message (which came to me from Dan Gordon--thanks!) raised a lot of interesting points:

Thanks for your website. I think that it really is the most thoughtful, intelligent, _content based_ personal site that I have ever seen. My friends and I have been playing D&D, Shadowrun, Starwars, Marvel for some years now, and in that time we have often played female characters, which has always been somewhat of a challenge. So I found your remarks in that regard quite helpful-i.e. trying to avoid the stereotypes, and come up with a full-fledged, independent character, who is interesting as a person. Since the five of us all DM in rotation, it is interesting to see the different approaches. For me, the most challenging part as a DM is to set things up so that it not become a grope fest (that is, the sleazy characters all hitting on the token woman). In our current campaign (custom Forgotten Realms) we are facing the consequences of having an all male group-none of us really want to go up against that lamia the GM keeps dropping hints about- looks like we'll have to enlist some female firepower, but the prospect of some of the more immature guys in our group "interacting" with those new characters gives me a headache. It was bad enough when we stopped off in the affected village. All the men were gone, lured away by the lamia, and eaten soon after. The innuendo flew thick and fast. "I go into private conference with the leader", sez my character, who actually needed to ask some intelligence sensitive questions which the rest of the party had no business hearing. "I'm _sure_ you are" replies the egomaniacal mage. Etc. yugh. --D. Gordon

And my response:

Thanks so much for the kind comments about my page--I try! (c:

First of all, it's great that you and your group at least attempt to play female characters, especially considering the level of maturity you imply that some of the members have! I think the best way to get people to be more accepting of female characters is simply to keep playing them, no matter how others may react. In time people do get used to it and learn to deal, if nothing else. Over the year and a half that I was with my first gaming group (which consisted of me and about six men), we went from me having an ignored female character, to me having a powerful and admired female character, to one campaign where female PCs actually outnumbered males! That's the power of suggestion. *G*

As for the "grope fest": It's been my experience that groups who are too immature to deal with female characters are also too immature to deal with sex in a realistic way, and stuff like that happens far too often. And that behavior is especially tough to change. In one misguided attempt to do so during a particularly oversexed Shadowrun campaign, I played an elf decker named Kira who was bisexual and also (for lack of a better term) horny as hell. It was partially to show the male PCs what jerks they were being through a ridiculous example, and partially just to have fun. And it *was* fun--but they never got the point. A few of them even made some assumptions about ME based on nothing more than my character! (Then again, this same group branded another female PC a slut because she had a sailor for a contact and once flirted with a guard to get him to open a door, so I don't know what I was expecting--but I digress.)

What was the point of that story? I'm not entirely sure. But maybe what I'm trying to say is, if your fellow gamers' behavior is really getting to the point of being intolerable, don't expect them to pick up on hints or come to a sudden realization of how stupid they're being. Speak up, and let them know what's bothering you about it. Best of luck dealing with the immature guys--and fighting that lamia, you're going to need it!...

So Dan's letter got me thinking about romance in RPGs. Before I go on, let me get something out of the way for those of us who might be maturity-challenge: REAL PEOPLE HAVE SEX. It's true, and it's not all that hilarious. And I don't understand why people who are otherwise devoted to absolute realism in their games adhere to this junior high concept of sex. Better to ignore it altogether, than to put it in your game as this teenage male wish fulfillment garbage that reflects badly on the rest of your campaign.

If you're going to put romance (and beyond) into your game, the most important thing to remember is that (semi) real people are involved.
In order to be realistic, love and sex should not be fashion accessories or window dressing. The hearts and minds and bodies of your characters are involved, and a relationship (successful or otherwise) will forever change their personality and the course of the game. Take Kira, who I told you about earlier. For a long time she had a cute little crush on another PC, a magician named Elroy, who was too busy off being a womanizer to even notice her. One night she followed him to an arcade, where she met a sexy NPC decker named Fred Durst. (Our GM was feeling a little wacky that night.) One thing led to another, and Fred and Kira fell hard for each other. Things were hot and heavy for a week or so--until Kira realized that Fred, who was a better and more experienced decker, was stealing all her action within the team and not even giving her the chance to learn from him. In fact, after they went all the way he started ignoring her. She came to her senses, kicked his sorry elven butt to the curb, and lived through it a better realized character and a wiser person.

That was one of the few good romantic experiences I've had in role-playing. Throughout various campaigns, my fellow PCs' significant others were kidnapped, tortured, killed, and worse--one PC was even forced to kill his own girlfriend when she attacked him after being possessed by an evil sorceress. But what made these things truly bad was that (with the possible exception of the last case) none of these situations were acted out worth crap. They didn't react to these NPCs' situations and fates the way a real person would behave if something so awful happened to his wife or girlfriend. Their thoughts were more along the lines of, "Oh well, they're just NPC chicks...I can get another. It's more important to slay this monster and get the treasure." And what happened when I role-played sticky situations involving my loved ones the way a real person would (such as the Werewolf campaign in which I almost broke a million Litany laws trying to rescue the Stargazer I loved from some hengeyokai who accused him of being a Black Spiral Dancer)? Then I was being stupid, or a bad tactician, or a typical woman. For some people it all goes back to dice and sword waving, and it makes me sad and angry that they'll never realize how much more involving real role-playing can be.

Well, this column has become somewhat long-winded and disjointed, so I'll try to tie it all together by saying that love, sex, and romance, when treated realistically, have a definite and important place in RPGs. For me, one of the most fun parts of role-playing is seeing how the relationships between the various characters work out and how they drive the story and the action, and I think most any campaign would do itself good to inject a little interpersonal intrigue. It's like an interactive soap opera, with better acting and no cheesy music. What's not to like?

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