“To them, you’re somewhere in between a little sister and a mascot.”
“I was breakin’ out of the stranglehold of poverty, bitches!”
“It’s quiet in your kitchen.”
“Is that a normal thing?”
“You’re not very good with refrigerators.”
“But I’m an electrician!”
“Well, there’s just something about them…”
“Turkey is cheap, which is good, because turkey is good.”
“Wyrm taint free with your egg roll!”
“Did you just say ‘underwear biscuit weaving?’”
“I’m sorry, I don’t speak glitterbitch.”
“Please tell me that some bad-ass werewolf is gonna bust in here and just frickin’ kack all these glitterbitches.”
“Yes, your Dark Fate is to be eternally surrounded by glitterbitches.”
“For a minute there I was thinking, ‘Ooh, sexy plumber!’”
“Why is his difficulty lower?”
“Because he’s WHITE!”
“…And all the while I’m yelling, ‘INFIDELS!’”
“He slits their throats in a very respectful way…”
“If I’m gonna be a martyr I’m gonna be insensible to pain, damn it!”
“…And there’s blood and nastiness and vampires.”
“I remember capping someone, but it wasn’t no little Chinese guy.”
“Roll Wits plus Fashion.”
“She could come back as a wraith.”
“And play Snood in your mind!”
“I’m Mexican, not stupid.”
“Okay, now his hair looks like he lit his head on fire.”
“You can’t comb dreadlocks!”
“He doesn’t know that!”
“So you guys head out to Optics ‘R’ Us or whatever…”
“Eeeeeeeww! You bought Savers undies!”
“But I’m a plumber!”
“Roll Intelligence plus Survival. Botch? Oh, you whistle and snap her ass with a wet towel.”
“Are you guys playin’ one of them creepy role-playing games?”
“If he uses the phrase ‘bust a cap’ one more time, I swear, I’m going into ‘cutesy berserker rage mode.’”
“And the plumber scores!”
“They have Will. He seemed very…willing.”
“It’s funny ‘cause I don’t do drugs anymore!”
“Is it human?”
“No.”
“Is it Asian?”
“Okay, the theme of our Hunter chronicle has just become the evils of racism.”
“Kai, you’re not a pimp, and you’re not even that good-looking.”
“Aw, you’re just jealous ‘cause you’re my sister.”
“My character is just too dumb for his own good.”
“He’s like ‘foo’ and you’re like ‘Weeeeeeee!’”
“Next turn, we find out what it feels like to gamble Conviction.”
“That’s why they call me Sailor Marta.”
“He’s like Shredder. He needs better henchmen, ‘cause these two are like Be-Bop and Rock Steady.”
“I’m hanging on to the ‘oh shit’ bar.”
“Roll down the window and shoot them!”
“I’m not sticking my arm out there!”
“Well, at least we’re keeping our NPCs happy.”
“I got this woman with Appearance 6, and I can’t do nothin’!”
“Saria, you don’t know any black people, do you?”
Recounting the fate of Iain and Rudi’s first D&D
characters:
“I died, and he ascended to godhood.”
The most commonly spoken phrase in our group:
“Fuck! I turn on second sight!”
“From now on, no more trusting anyone!”
“Will, what do you see?”
“She’s got a tail.”
“Yeah, you got Ravaged like the bitch you are.”
Will fails his Arsenal roll:
“Well, you find a quarter-ounce of plastique you didn’t know you had.”
“Ridley Scott’s movies are turkey.”
“Oh yeah. I go to bed like there’s no tomorrow.”
“The world gave Arie a Humm-Vee.”
“Melba is bootylicious!”
“Like any good Minnesotan, Saria has a Jell-O mold for every occasion.”
“It’s green and has chunks of fruit in it. It must be poisonous.”
“I can heal people.”
“And I have some ‘shrooms.”
“Hey, it’s the power of people not caring!”
“Then, you see this streak of…um…khaki.”
“All I know is, these two canisters popped out of the fat little cartoon character guy, and then he ran through the wall, and that he had some glowy light over his head just like you. (pause) Perhaps I should explain myself.”
“Are you a hunter, too?”
“I don’t think she’d call me a dork. I’m really hot.”
“No, no, no! He farted, and then those canisters came out, and then all of a sudden he was really tiny.”
“Dude, how much would it suck if you had to share your drugs with your own drug-induced hallucinations?”
“Must suck up…must suck up…”
“You send them a ‘sorry I wasted your apartment’ card?”
“At least with 3 points in Resources, I can buy my friends.”
“Okay, here’s how we’ll do this. I’ll sit on the couch, and you guys will go into the kitchen and try to open the box. And if you die, I’ll run away really fast.”
“No! Don’t blame it on the fat little fairy!”
“So you’re calling me anal?”
“Not directly, no.”
“Woohoo! He’s like a guardian angel who kills us if we suck!”
“It’s not every day that someone’s just not human, you know.”
“But I’ve been tripping so long, not tripping would probably be like tripping again.”
“Now you have a vampire baby growing in your stomach. Not in your womb, in your stomach.”
“I’ve clearly been playing cards this whole time with my gas mask on. I have an Arsenal of 5 for a reason, you know.”
“As he opens the box, I’m thinking about how much I love my mom.”
“How do you sense if a little head’s lying?”
“Well, I’ll fucking shoot him up like he’s a statue!”
“What happened?”
“Basically, Darla wants me.”
“I have a library. That’s like an arsenal of knowledge, bizzatch.”
“Talk to the ghost. The head isn’t listening.”
“You know, it’d be really convenient if hunters could fly…”
“As long as we’re mass murderers, we might as well be terrorists, too.”
“That clears an easy path from you to the Humm-Vee.”
“I walk the hell down it, then.”
“Bandages. Gas masks and bandages. Damn it.”
“I’m dragging you! Please come with!”
“You can see a chunk of bone that’s like, woo, woo, woo…”
“You had a huge metal pole go through your shoulder, Will.”
“Yeah, and now I can’t figure out how to make the damn thing telescope again.”
Exchange between a hotel desk clerk and Will (who has just been speared through the shoulder with a metal pole):
“What the hell?!”
“Skating accident.”
“I can’t help it! I spend my Conviction like it’s pocket change!”
“Something unexpected happened?”
“Someones.”
“Several someones.”
“Just don’t get blood on the carpets. It’s bad for business.”
“Wait a minute. How does ‘fuck you’ clarify anything?”
(points to giant metal pole hole in Will’s shoulder) “What happened to you?”
“We’ll talk about it in the morning. (points to 9-year-old boys passed out drunk on the floor) Who are they?”
“We’ll talk about it in the morning.”
“Come join our group of hunters! We usually fight evil, but sometimes we go out and commit random acts of terrorism.”
“Hey. It’s caked brown blood, not rotting blood.”
“If you think that’s a Technocratic compound, you should check out the Mall of America.”
“You have an Arsenal of housecleaning?”
“What’s a good in-character way to tell her I have a Manipulation of 1?”
“Darn it, they’re helping out the working class and killing off the drug dealers! That’s so wrong!”
“I love how when we say ‘I’m not stupid’ we really mean ‘I’m not Arie.’”
“Well, I don’t understand why you have to do it by taking money away from hard-working small-time drug dealers!”
Marta grasps the concept of “the lesser of two evils” in regards to Arie:
“The way I see it, every hour he spends selling drugs is one less hour he spends shooting people.”
“It’s the Arie survival kit: a pound of ‘shrooms and an Uzi.”
“How much does a Formula One race car cost?”
“A lot.”
“Heh. Those things go fast.”
“Yes, they do.”
After the four of us forget our wanted criminal status, go out in broad daylight, and get arrested:
“You ever get the feeling that after the Heralds pick some people, they just sit back and laugh their asses off?”
“The Uzi’s legal, isn’t it?”
“Um…no.”
“Of course you should be worried! The cops just pulled you over and you have a pound of ‘shrooms and an Uzi in your car!”
“It bothers me that we have to rely on a vampire.”
“Marta’s not here, so now I can kill anyone I want.”
“Damn! Looks like it’s time to roll initiative again.”
“No one is following you guys like a motherfucker.”
After Arie pulls a gun on Will during a minor argument:
“Put the substitute penis away, Arie.”
“I think it only counts as a substitute penis if it’s a shotgun.”
“No, for his it can be a handgun.”
“Hopefully I won’t die, ‘cause then you’d be fucked.”
“No, you’d be fucked.”
“That’s because Arie’s a necrophiliac.”
The story of Arie’s life:
“Dude, that doesn’t sound like a very good idea at all. Sure, let’s do it.”
“It’s the vicious cycle of eating weed brownies. Once you get started, you only want more.”
“Oh, my God. He’s going to get laid.”
“No! Not in our tent!”
“Are you gonna do anything about this, like getting laid or finding a new place to sleep?”
“Damn it! I just remembered the other thing I wanted to do.”
“Too late. You’re already having sex.”
“These guys are boring.”
“That’s why I’m getting high.”
“You know what happens when you assume, right?”
“You get ugly chicks.”
“Roll Perception plus Alertness. Difficulty 7, since you’re high on ‘shrooms and erect.”
“If I walk up to it and say, ‘Hey, can I help?’, pretty soon I won’t be here.”
“That’s what I’d do!”
“That’s why you’re not here, Marta.”
“This plot seems to be taking me away from my chick.”
“Fucking cool! It’s My Pet Monster!”
After Marta describes to Arie the giant scorpion/lobster that took her home after her run-in with Cameron:
“Was it not human, by the way?”
“Why are you not human?”
“No, that monster is my friend! It slammed a guy into a wall and squished him! And before that I saw it in my dream!”
(blank stares)
“Six successes.”
“For what?”
“Looking for a giant lobster.”
“I am so giving it a better name than ‘Godspawn.’”
“Were-lobster-scorpion of the gods!”
“He got laid, she saw a werebear, he got drunk, and I got a pet monster! This is the best session ever!”
“Five successes.”
“Okay, you manage not to piss yourself…”
“Be careful what you say about my lobster!”
Our campaign motto:
“You’re nothing! You’re a hunter!”
“I don’t want her to know I’m illiterate. Then I’d look like a moron.”
“Dude, you are a moron.”
“God, I suck at shooting for being so good.”
“Arie is frozen, cardboard, and drunk in pose space. And naked in the wagon.”
“Cameron is a child molester, and no one can convince me otherwise.”
“Hey. It’s a sexual orientation, not a derangement.” (Yes, we’re still talking about child molesters.)
“I wish my public library had a copy of the Necronomicon!”
“So, Melba, you see this squid walking down the road. It’s wearing pants over its many legs. It’s looking at you funny…almost…as if it’s randy or something.”
“The last relationship I had was with an asshole.”
“Imagine kissing an asshole.”
“Melba Toast Starling. Toast has great influence in our world, that it does.”
“She was up late reading books and organizing her papers. Mmm…were-lobster-scorpion…”
“Leg.”
“Come on! Not all Chinese restaurants are evil.”
“I’m not stupid! I’m…”
“Mexican?”
“Go in the backseat of the Hummer! It’ll remind you both of good times!”
“‘Ooh, this is where I told Will he had a pole through his shoulder!’”
Resolving snowball combat between Melba and Paladin, who are both Defenders:
“Now what do you do, since the tie always goes to the Defender?”
“Black people can tell when black people blush, even if white people can’t.”
“Frango! It sounds French!”
“No, it doesn’t!”
“No, f-r-a! N! It almost spells ‘France!’”
“…Because everyone knows that when you say something in French, you have to follow it up with ‘Oh ho ho!’”
“I mean, if you think about it, he’s not that much of a bastard!”
“…Because all shit goes down at Chino Latino.”
“Jeez! We’re ethnic grouping all over the place!”
“He’s not dead. He just got squashed.”
“There’s something that sets Cameron apart from Chet and Saria.”
“Yeah, he’s like a refrigerator.”
“I turned on second sight, and they were not human!”
“They’re cats! Of course they’re not human!”
“Hey, this might come in handy!”
“You’re capturing kittens with the telescoping noose? Ouch.”
“Mama had a baby and the head popped off!”
“So the cat wouldn’t eat the ‘shrooms the first time I tried, but I’ve never known a cat to turn down Rice-A-Roni with ‘shrooms in it before.”
“We have evil cats in our apartment. Puking.”
“So do I get experience, or not?”
“No, you’re Mexican.”
“It’s like, hey, let’s get it on. Hey, let’s go to McDonald’s. Hey, let’s get it on. Hey, let’s go to the gas station. Hey, let’s get it on.”
“And then there’s Marta, who’s 13.”
“15!”
“No, 13!”
“Dude, you can compromise. She’s 14.”
“13 and a half. That’s as high as I’ll go.”
“Dude, it’s not an auction.”
“I’ve magically traveled to a strange world, and I’m wearing a school uniform! At last, I have become a shojo anime heroine.”
“This is Marta’s kind of society! Too bad it’s hopelessly doomed.”
“Ask him how you can shoot him! I mean…”
“Gods are smart.”
“That they are.”
“You realize what this means, don’t you? Chet and Saria are hunter gods, and they’re putting together a new tribe.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s why I said ‘motherfucker.’”
“The hunter warriors, they get their lizard balls…”
“You just made the Spike face, Nikki. That’s no good, when you’re making the Spike face.”
“I’m an Innocent. I never look away.”
“Hey, guys. How’s it going?”
“Well, Marta claims to have gone back in time.”
“Hey, guys? This beetle’s not dying.”
(A few minutes later…)
“Hey, guys? This beetle’s only found in the Middle East and zoos.”
“So how did you go back in time? Did you, like, step in a phone booth and press the wrong button?”
“Iain, you need to organize your papers more often.”
“His name means ‘poop’ in Enochian?”
“I’m taking my rod.”
“Did you just say, ‘Sleeping cracker! Come on!’”
“They don’t card you because you’re with a group of older people. Except for her, and she’s Mexican.”
“She’s buff, man. She’s Melba: Ghetto Princess.”
“Do you need help, Mar…ah, Mel…ah, ah, ah, ayyy.”
“That’s what I think, though. I think that like a motherfucker.”
“Is it the same carpet?”
“No, this is much nicey-er. The old stuff was, like, Communist carpet.”
“It looks like just a normal chair…until the missile launcher pops out of the side!”
“It just seems that since we’ve known you for so long, we can be honest with one another.”
“No kidding. I’ve known you for, what, four days now?”
“It starts out being this crazy Arabian yay-for-women music, and then it goes all James Bond-y and it’s like ‘Gooooldfinger!’”
“You two are not hunters.”
“How do you know that?”
“I went back in time.”
“I have Dark Fate! I have nothing to lose!”
“I just gave this big beautiful speech about unity, and you just had to finish it off with, ‘And you could kick our ass!’”
“Oh no, it’s a bad episode of the X-Files! Complete with rock lobsters!”
“(sound of a gun cocking) We’re going to Target.”
“I go, ‘Hey, Chet, check this out.’ I whip my pole out of my pants. ‘Remember this?’”
“Oh, yeah. We were debating whether or not we wanted to get minions.”
“You’d better finish that net launcher before I die, bizzatch.”
“It’s not that he’s manly. It’s that he’s got an Arsenal of 5.”
“Well, it was nice meeting you. I’ll have to introduce you to my friend Arie so he can kill you.”
“Damn it! This is no improvement. I’ve gone from being Mexican to being disabled.”
“Aren’t they the same thing? (hysterical laughter) Okay, that’s enough. Stop it, everyone.”
“Being Mexican isn’t a flaw! It’s an ethnicity!”
“Hey, way to screw that guy out of the money that’s rightfully yours!”
“Arie, just don’t bring too many guns, okay.”
“I tell her okay. Hey, do I have any explosives?”
“Roll Intelligence plus Metagaming.”
“I can’t believe that I just admitted I couldn’t do something because I was Mexican.”
“See? It’s all true!”
“In other words, ‘Buy your own damn chair, you leeching bastard.’”
“I go back to my work mumbling, ‘I can’t make a scooter out of an oven.’”
“Man, your brother seems like a really nice black guy. I’d totally chill with him. (long, awkward pause) This is good turkey.”
“Where I come from, your people are illiterate slaves.”
“I’d rather be a midget than an illiterate slave.”
“Yeah, you’re an illiterate midget slave.”
“Man, if she was, like, born missing an arm, then we won’t make fun of her, ‘cause that’s mean. But if she just lost her arm because of something she did, then she better watch out, ‘cause it’s her own damn fault.”
“Lesson of the night. A bong can double as a cup.”
“What is this? Now that we’ve exhausted the possibilities of racial slurs, we’re moving on to make fun of disabled people?”
“You see three cats. They puke and leave.”
“Way to gloss over the fact that Marta horribly violated every law of physics known to man.”
“Yeah, you guys are cool that way. You get the facts rather than just killing shit.”
“Yes! Marta is vindicated!”
“No offense, but I hope you die soon.”
“…And then she’ll just get all Afro Whores on their ass!”
“What is this? Because my character’s going to die, you feel the need to cram all the Mexican jokes into one session?”
“I went into the library, and I saw the old guy at the pop machine. Then I turned around, and the same guy was sitting in front of the computer with a can of pop.”
“That is one damn lazy mage.”
“Dude, how’d a deer get down there?”
“Dude, ten bucks says that’s not a deer.”
“She couldn’t be your girlfriend. She’s Mexican.”
“Sweet, I made a friend. Hope he doesn’t get killed.”
“…And then I saw a dead deer, and I got scared, and I shit my pants, and then I ran away.”
“Dude, my life has just kind of gone to shit ever since I shot that guy and watched him disintegrate in my apartment.”
“I have seen the truth, and the truth has made me mad.”
“You have seen the giant sacred lobster goblin!”
“You know, you’re not the greatest Martyr. You’re a great hunter, but you suck at being a martyr.”
“Iain, if this is a false alarm, I’m going to shoot you.”
“Congratulations. You’ve sealed Marta’s fate.”
“Oh, no. I’m gonna cry.”
“You think you’re gonna cry? I’m gonna die!”
“Okay, here’s what I’m taking: gun, net launcher, angst, Dark Fate.”
“Will’s joy-gasming over his inventions. And he’s got his rod in his pants.”
“Yes, good idea. Put the person with the Dark Fate in the middle of the marching order.”
“Darla, if he does that again, I’m gonna fuck him up. And I won’t miss and blow up the apartment this time.”
“Don’t fuck with that anymore. My spidey-sense is tingling.”
“If I get stung to death by a giant bumblebee, Iain, I’m never speaking to you again.”
“I don’t like the looks of them there circles.”
“Like, lobster hand? Subject 4, lobster hand?”
“Before we go into the darkness…”
“I attack the darkness!”
“Do the case files describe anyone as particularly evil?”
“Even your villains rip on me for being Mexican!”
“Dice have achieved sentience! Hallelujah!”
The Storyteller in reference to his Big Nasty rolling a little too well:
“Yeah, I don’t like this Cameron guy at all.”
“Please, no more discussion of the underwear habits of our NPCs!”
“…And God comes down out of the heavens and says, ‘Saria, you suck!’”
“Yeah, he has the Defy GM ability…”
“I botch. In fact, he probably gains back health levels because of how bad I botched.”
“Yeah, the bullet, like, scalds his wounds closed.”
“Oh boy, damage! That’s not where I’m a Viking!”
“These heroics are so touching, in a futile sort of way.”
“Suddenly, Cameron vanishes, with Darla impaled on his claws and Marta clenched between his jaws.”
“I yell really, really loud.”
“WHERE’S MY SOUP?!”
“Heh. We’re gonna fuck up a library.”
Professor Hakim FINALLY finds out that we’re hunters and not mages:
“I’m not supposed to help you people! You people are psychopaths!”
“Can I owe you a favor?”
“Um…I’m a little old for that sort of thing.”
“I’m so glad I don’t know what a Progenitor is.”
“Well, the atmosphere is nothing like, ‘Ooh, I’m creepy with dead deer.’”
“I thought you were going to say ‘The Progenitors pick their noses’ for a minute there…”
“Chainsaws make baby Jesus cry!”
“It’s okay. You can always find another little Mexican to shoot your net launcher.”
“Why don’t I get to roll Intimidation?”
“Because you don’t have a chainsaw.”
“I’ll admit, you guys are damn intimidating: a guy in body armor, a punk with an Uzi, a chainsaw-wielding maniac, and an afro whore.”
“Oh, perfect. Now you can have flaming deer running at you.”
“So…now there’s napalm all over this area, and most of the deer are on fire.”
“I suck.”
“Yes, you do, that you do.”
“Did we bring any healing potions? Oops, wrong game.”
“No! We’re 41 floors underground! Don’t use napalm, don’t use phosphorus, and don’t use a grenade!”
“Good point. I’ll use the C-4.”
“I can bring you back.”
“Could you send us here again after we get backup?”
“Well, Melba’d have to do me another favor.”
“That’s fine by me.”
“They’ve got my Mexican and my woman!”
“Normally by this time we would’ve just started. We’d still be into sarcasm and making fun of Mexicans.”
“It’s Saria and her suppositories of justice!”
“Every time I think, ‘Oh, man, I’m gonna miss Marta,’ then I remember what she’s like.”
“I find it very interesting that Marta getting captured provided the impetus for this game turning into a massive gun fest…”
“What?! I’m not gonna get myself killed! I mean…unless it’s necessary.” (Spoken by the Martyr.)
“She’s better-looking than you are, dude. She’s got boobs.”
“I like guns! I like swords! Let’s fight!”
“…And then I’d go all Scully on you guys! I’d be like, ‘I have seen things I cannot explain blah blah blah blah blah…’”
“Maybe I should grab him again. Grab him by the spiny teeth!”
“I’m kicking twice as much ass as anyone in this group, and I only have half as many arms. So shut the hell up!”
“Quiet, or I’ll make him rip your other arm off.”
“Yes, that’s right. Will is the spirit of your dead sister.”
“Jana, you suck. Get in the backpack.”
“His Intelligence of 1 makes him the brains of this operation? No, wait…it’s because he’s male!”
“Technically, he’s still incapacitated.”
“Yeah, but can I still have my M-60 trained on his head?”
“What does my training as a psychologist tell me? No, seriously.”
“It tells you that after this, you’re going to make a whole lot of money.”
“Yeah, that was Arie rolling his Intelligence plus Women.”
“That’s not me! Perception plus Alertless!”
“It’s okay. Come to Charlotte’s house. She’ll make you some soup.”
“Oh, that says ‘Melba,’ not ‘Mothra.’ (blank stares) What? It looked like Mothra from this angle.”
“No, your mom looks like Mothra.”
(sigh) “Charlotte, the bringer of all bad news.”
“Well, that leaves us with a slight corpse problem, doesn’t it?”
“Will’s not bleeding at all. He’s such a good dead person. Good dead person.”
“What would Will have wanted?”
“First, he would want to design his own coffin…”
“Well, at least if your new character is crazy it’ll maybe make people forget that I only have one arm.”
“No, you’re a dead guy. You go in the pile of dead guys.”
“I’m so glad someone is taking over Marta’s position as party pansy-ass.”
“He’s the dual creed Innocent/Avenger!”
“Sounds to me like a classic case of Melba’s problem.”
“Randy doesn’t wear pants?”
“Well, he does have one point in Continued Exposure…”
“Myself kind of beat the hell out of…myself.”
“And what are you…oh, you’re dead.”
“Even after I die, I still can’t escape the Mexican jokes!”
“I organize my papers. Well, actually, I organize Marta’s papers.”
“Necrophiliac.”
“Ooh, sexy Defender scars!”
“Imagination is our only escape from this hell we call real life.”
“Real Life: The Sucking.”
“Iain is his own little naked gremlin boy.”
“You hear a knock at your door. It’s a one-armed knock.”
“I’ll try to get someone to work my shift.”
“Roll Charisma plus Desperation.”
“Hi. I’ve come to let you know that I’m still alive.”
“She doesn’t even speak with an accent, or anything.”
“Unless she wants to.”
“Your mom.”
“Dios mio, dios mio!”
“That’s not a prayer.”
“Muy es bueno, por favor!”
“…And that’s not even a sentence.”
“What do you do?”
“I grab an Uzi…”
“No, you may not lay on my ass.”
“You know, naming your ally ‘Judas’ is just a bad idea…”
“Heh. You made fun of your own gimpyness.”
“Calm down and don’t blood-frenzy here, Charlie. You’re embarrassing me.”
“They’re like, ‘Whoa! Things are exploding everywhere! Look at the guy in the parka!’”
“I figure people keep lots of things in their pants, but fuck, a crossbow?”
“Fighting vampires…in a thong!”
“No, I was fully dressed and sitting in the kitchen!”
“Kinky!”
“Did somebody fart?”
“It’s not me.”
“I don’t think it was me.”
“Maybe it’s the impending Ryan.”
“Vampires don’t like it when you hit them with cars.”
“I used to have friends. Then I started hanging out with these guys.”
“I dunno, man. These guys always wanna do research and find stuff out, and usually I just wanna go in there and shoot stuff up. (pause) I mean, after we know for sure that the place needs to be shot up.”
“You didn’t see it. You were too busy abusing the Toreador.”
“You know what’d be really fun? Zen Smash Brothers.”
“It’s crazy Mexican girl Sanskrit. It was done in finger paint and sneezes.”
“It’s not that I don’t believe you, Melba.”
“It’s that I think you’re lying.”
“It’s clear from these notes that Marta was a very intelligent individual who truly believed in the findings of her research.”
“It’s also clear that she was Mexican.”
“It’s all biology, so it doesn’t make much sense to you.”
“Dude, I have a PhD in biology.”
“And I have an intelligence of 4.”
“And I can’t read!”
“This is going to end badly. Stupid Driving Goal.”
“It’s kind of like a Dark Fate, only you get less points for it!”
“This room smells like Play-Doh and ass.”
“I suppose not everyone is born with the gift.”
“The gift of what?”
“The gift of art.”
“I work in a record shop. Does that count?”
“I don’t sit next to Charlie.”
“Yeah, Arie’s had bad supernatural movie theatre experiences.”
“The movie is called ‘Life Sucks,’ and it’s actually kind of upbeat.”
“I challenge whoever looks like the toughest subject to a drinking contest.”
“That would probably be Chet. Although Charlotte only has one arm.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, if I ever saw you with both arms, then I’d think, hey, she might have a hollow arm.”
“Either that or you’d know you were losing.”
“Is it possible for us to go five minutes without making a joke about how my character only has one arm?!” (Apparently not.)
“Ooh, he wants to go blow some blood points.”
“It’s eight minus your Humanity. And no, you don’t gain blood points back if you have higher than eight.”
“That’d be a great help for the Masquerade.”
“Ah, the dreaded sex vampires.”
“You have a fun night getting to know your toilet.”
“Over New Year’s I was in a house that had a carpeted bathroom. It was sweet. You could puke on the floor and then just go to sleep.”
“Is Jonas married?”
“Dude, you’re a guy.”
“What?”
“Are you gay?”
“No, I picture Jonas as doing whatever she wants because he’s madly in love with her. Iain, make him be that way.”
“He’s an NPC! He has to be in love with her!”
“Oh yes, because all NPCs have to be in love with the player characters.”
“Yeah, just like Arie has a thing with…Kai.”
“I don’t like the way that sentence started. ‘Maybe one day after I kill enough characters…’”
“Dude, I could get a woman whenever I wanted! I just can’t remember her name, and I don’t have her number.”
“You think that Charlotte person wants to come? I mean, she’s old, and she only has one arm, but…”
“I haven’t done anything all day except write.”
“Except what?”
“Write.”
“Except who?”
Making fun of Melba’s “hunter Bible”:
“In the beginning…”
“We did suck.”
“And thus did we suck, and suck some more. And yea, furthermore did we suck.”
“Is she articulating herself well?”
“It’s a rough draft, so, yeah, about 50 percent of the time.”
“Only she’s black, so you can’t understand half of the words. (horrified silence) What? You don’t speak ghetto!”
“Your mom could beat the Tarrasque. Oh, wait, that’s a compliment.”
“Saria, will you take me shopping?”
“…And Will turns over in his rough-hewn grave.”
“This is gonna be a disaster! It’ll be better than when Marta went back in time!”
“Oh, he didn’t like the prairie oyster, huh?”
“No, I think some of it got in his eye.”
“…And God gives me new underwear every four days, so deal with it!”
“Charlotte gets to ride in the back. She’s missing an arm. She takes up less space.”
“You just said, ‘You think you’re in the wrong, we think you’re in the wrong.’”
“Sorry you have to let that thing in again.”
“What thing? That Charlie thing?”
“You’re not having this conversation in front of him, are you?”
“No! She had to go upstairs to get Paladin! And where’s Paladin? In her bed!”
“You stud!”
“I’m a GENTLEMAN!”
“Yeah, no spending blood points until the third date.”
“Sometimes I just get lost.”
“Yeah, I’m the same way about art.”
“So, my roommate blew up our apartment…”
“He doesn’t have anything better to do.”
“Yeah, he’s a Toreador.”
“Final death kind of sucks. At least that’s what I’ve heard.”
“Charlie, have I ever told you you’re the most un-funny person I’ve ever met?”
“So it’s kind of like a detachable penis, only cooler. Except it would probably be easier to misplace your hand than your penis.”
“Dude, that’s so convenient. I wish I were missing my arm.”
“Dude, she’s cute, and she’s an Innocent, and she’s my age! It’s perfect!”
“Dude, she’s that conscientious, and she doesn’t remember her professor?”
“Since then, Professor Bishop has lost an arm and been imbued. It’s a bit of a switch.”
“Randy doesn’t really go on ‘the hunt’ that much. Except when it comes to women!”
“The double date is now in session.”
“The Innocent, the Redeemer, the Visionary, and the vampire.”
“Ah, we’re such a perfect, peaceful group.”
“Next time, I’ll get the chick drunk first.”
“Don’t argue with your hallucinations. They know what they’re talking about.”
(to the tune of the “My Little Pony” theme song) “My little white boy, my little white boy…”
“Dude, when I used to go out clubbing, I had women falling at my feet. Then I met you guys.”
“Can we kill stuff in the next session? Like Haji?”
“Yeah, go do your Defender dry-humping or whatever it is you’re doing.”
“At least if you worked on getting laid, then you’d get to roll dice.”
“Not a bitch, two arms, hunter, Innocent, and cute. Basically, she’s everything that you’re not.”
“She’s not! That! In-no-cent! Oops, she did it again!”
“It’s Arie the untouchable and his aura of stupid!”
“It’s a stupid ward!”
“I mean, what does she really hope to accomplish by typing, ‘Haji the vampire who punched me’ into a search engine and hitting enter?”
“How about if we get in trouble, we type in 666?”
“What about 55378008?”
“That’s a good one, Randy, but we’ll stick with 666.”
“But when you turn it upside down, it kind of spells ‘boobless!’”
(Pause.)
“Oh, my god. That was in character.”
“It’s like selling someone a chocolate chip cookie with no chocolate chips. And doing it on purpose, you bastards.”
“I go over to where the NPC car is. No offense, Arie.”
“Randy, was that you rolling your Rage?”
“Does he cut himself? No? Then I’ve got nothin’.”
“Well, it’s not like every monster you meet you have to take home.”
“What if they’re hot?”
“They supposedly have four helpy-helpertons. Those are like sidekicks-slash-lackeys.”
“We need code names! Like Maverick and Goose!”
“Why can I never talk to any NPC without you making porno music to accompany it?”
“Let’s go find Witness1.”
“Right now?”
“Jonas needs a code name.”
“How about Spanky?”
“How about Blunt?”
“This time, we’ve got the edge!”
“Iain, sometimes you disgust me.”
“I distinctly heard him say, ‘Werewolf in nipples.’”
“I’m kind of embarrassed about being friends with a vampire.”
“Why? You don’t seem to have any problem with being friends with a mutant were-lobster of the gods.”
“It’s the one funny show with the nuns. It’s called ‘Nuns.’”
“We’ve got some pretty ones tonight for a change.”
(Arie says) “Thank you.”
“At the moment, they’re about as happy-dandy as a bunch of zombies can be.”
“If only these people had known Marta. She would have destroyed them…in an intellectual sense, of course.”
“Leslie, what do you think?”
“I’m an NPC. I don’t know anything.”
“Bye, guys! If I’m not back in 10 minutes, avenge my death!”
“Hey, Charlie! Look what I learned! POOF! And Charlie shoots out the window! It’s called Ward, sucker!”
“For a Martyr, being obsessed with the hunt is a really bad thing. You’re like, ‘Here, let me throw myself onto this spoon to save you!’”
“I haven’t rolled all night. Except for that roll in the hay, of course.”
“Paladin, get your white ass down here!”
“Come down here for the intervention. I mean, we want to talk to you, Melba.”
“Let’s just keep it in the family for now.”
“Paladin, are you trying to tell me that I’m your brother?”
“…No.”
“I still don’t know about the time travel thing.”
“Yeah, that little Mexican girl was crazy.”
“Such is the great shortcoming of all Mexicans.”
Talking about hunting in terms of sports:
“If she’s on defense then what am I? The goalie?”
“No, Randy, you’re the cheerleader.”
“I guess I’ll stick with them if it’s a special occasion. Melba’s here, so maybe the GM will throw some combat our way.”
“I was just about to pull out my gun and start shooting up the dog.”
“Dude! I would’ve tackled you! Bastard.”
“I would’ve dodged you. Bastard.”
“…And that’s why scary woman with big chopstick gets nowhere near Charlie.”
“This is what happens when we don’t get in combat for awhile. Arie does stupid things.”
“Noel, stop sticking your head down your pants.”
“Metal knuckles and goat feet. That’s all you need.”
“Good thing Arie’s not here to try and act black.”
“Stupid Visionary, always making sense.”
“…So then I hit him in the knees with a stick, which slowed him down a bit…”
“He didn’t try to kiss your hand or anything, did he?”
“No.”
“Good, ‘cause I bet he was huuuuuuun-gry!”
“McDonald’s hamburgers are Cthulhu sandwiches!”
“He was like, must…go…find…a dog…or something…”
“I have three alternate penises and an Arsenal of 5! Rarrrrr!”
“You don’t need a car! Arie’s got three!”
“But I want my own!”
(sigh) “Boys.”
“Looks like she’s judged her fellow hunters. Judged them as useless and stupid!”
“Killing is good! No, talking is good! Rar rar rar! Blam blam blam!”
“You can still get on the Judge. You just can’t have the Judge as your peeps.”
“We’re getting this influx of scary hunters lately.”
“No, you’re getting this influx of real hunters lately.”
“Now that we have minions, we can trade them like Pogs!”
“She already has some respect for you because you lost your arm.”
“I didn’t lose it. It was taken from me.”
“If meat is involved, I’ll stick around!”
“What do you want to drink with dinner?”
“Champagne!”
“Water!”
“Bloooooood!”
“Just because I only have one arm and have trouble applauding and opening car doors does not mean I’m less of a person!”
“Well, actually, there is less person there…”
“Be careful, or we will hug you to death and smother you with our niceyness!”
“I gotta pee.”
“You have a catheter in.”
“You’re the devil.”
“Will you remove this from my dong?”
“She takes you into the bathroom and removes your catheter.”
“Sweet! Is she hot?”
“Can you come to the hospital and pick me up?”
“Sure, but I need to buy a car first.”
“Hey, Randy, what are you doing?”
“I’m laughing about his butt!”
“One of the nurses here wants me. No, seriously. She touched my penis.”
“Yeah, because she was removing the device that had a death grip on it.”
“Melba? You’re not mad, are you? Melba? I love you!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be more careful next time. I’ll take more grenades.”
“Okay. So Melba’s having a nervous breakdown, Arie and Randy have new cars, and Charlotte still has only one arm.”
“Do I have any people yet?”
“No, you were in the hospital.”
“Oh yeah. That’s right. That hurt. I think.”
“How come all black people are Defenders?”
“I love that we can make our minions do the shitty jobs now. ‘Ah, werewolf in the dorms? Keep me posted, bitch.’”
“Well, it wasn’t really a surveillance mission. It was mostly just seeing where he hangs out.”
“There are no Asians in here, are there?”
“Dude, it’s daytime. What, all Asians are vampires, now?”
Arie on why he’s suddenly acting black:
“I’m trying to fit in with Melba and her kind.”
“All babies look alike! They’re pink and squidgy!”
“Ack ack guardian babies!”
“I say to him, ‘Dude, you’re one nosy little fuck.’”
“Okay. Are you going to dodge?”
“Hey, mom and dad? I need to buy six children.”
“We gotta get rid of that Twitcher guy. He almost killed me.”
“No, he didn’t. You could’ve taken four more bashing and still only been comatose.”
(This quote is even funnier when you consider that the damage – which knocked Arie down to Incapacitated for the second time in two sessions – came from a kick to the crotch.)
“Okay, so it’s agreed, then. Melba will take care of all six guardian babies after we steal them from the hospital.”
“How do we know that these babies aren’t evil?”
“Saria seems very attracted to the idea of having six babies…”
“Six babies is a lot. Well, one baby is a lot. And six is a lot more than one, and that’s a lot.”
“Arie’s gonna be a daddy. Does this scare anyone else besides me?”
“What do your parents do, Randy?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh yes. All Innocents have Dark Fate, and all Defenders are black.”
“Charlie could sleep in the bathroom on the plane! You’d open the door at night and he’d be like ‘Gooooood eee-vening.’”
“I’m a mage, not a retard.”
“I know how to take out bees. I have grenades.”
“I don’t take your hand. I’m not a coward. Granted, I scream like a little girl when she yanks it out, but I’m not a coward.”
“You sure get beat up a lot, Arie. Do you just roll around on top of nasty things, or what?”
“Well…sometimes.”
“Ah, game mechanics. They sometimes abhor reality.”
“Hey, my lesson #1 from last time was ‘Don’t give any responsibility to Arie.’”
“Oh yeah? Well, my lesson #2 was ‘Melba is a bitch.’”
“I’m sorry for sticking my butt in your face, Iain.”
“It’s okay. I gained all my Rage back after seeing that moon.”
“Where did we leave off?”
“You were giving us a tank.”
“Yeah, in the form of six babies.”
“Is one of Charlotte’s short-term goals to get Charlie to blow blood points?”
“No!”
“What are you talking about? That’s what it says right here.”
“You’re putting words in my mouth again.”
“Along with cold vampire wee-wee!”
“He’s the best desk worker ever!”
“Hey, Marta was pretty good at it. She only had one ridiculously long absence.”
“When she died?”
“You don’t believe in reincarnation?”
“No.”
“That sucks. Then you only get one chance.”
“So you’ll never get your arm back!”
“Overnight? That’s where I’m a Viking!”
“…And by sandwich I mean blooooooood!”
“We haven’t had a front desk worker in awhile. The last two kind of died horrible deaths.”
“No! You’re the paper whore, and your Hunter character is the one-armed slut!”
“There is nothing wrong with dating a vampire, living with Twitcher, and having sexual tension with my mentor! (pause) Wait a minute…”
“Twitcher’s living with me, and I don’t even know his real name.”
“Oh, I’m sure that you will.”
“Why? Because I’ll be screaming it later?”
“Arie, can I borrow your Explorer?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I never drive it.”
“Damn. My soon-to-be-girlfriend is a retard.”
“Dude, that’s why you’re a perfect couple!”
(about an Innocent) “This guy has the Marta disease!”
“His thoughts can’t lie, can they?”
“WHAT?!”
“Did you just say, ‘Sluts can’t fly, can they?’”
“So you’re basing your entire assessment of this situation on which of the combatants is hotter?”
“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard Arie say ‘F-er.’”
“He’s trying to impress her.”
“Dang skippy!”
“Okay, I’ve got my lesson: I am a pimp daddy.”
“You pulled those guardian babies out of your guardian butt!”
(about Twitcher) “I swear that guy’s got OCD. Twice. When God was handing out the derangements…”
“So Paladin is still the guardian angel who kills us if we
suck?”
”Wow, Melba had better watch out.”
“What’s with the babies, Twitcher?”
“We bought them!”
“There’s totally six of us, so we each get to name one baby. No, wait. I guess there’s more like four of us…”
“We don’t want no evil Asian guardian babies.”
“Dibs on the black kid!”
“I call the skinny white guy!”
“Do I know anything about taking care of babies?”
“You have one arm and you’re barren. You’re about as anti-baby as they get.”
“I don’t think Charlie should take care of babies.”
“Why?”
“What if he tries to suck their blood?”
“He doesn’t suck blood.”
“Dude, he’s a vampire.”
“Oh, yeah. Then I guess he does.”
“Hello?”
“Hi, this is Arie.”
“I don’t know anyone named Arie.”
“Um…may I speak to Shirley?”
“This is.”
“Hi, Shirley. This is Arie.”
“Oh, I remember you now. You’re the funny one with the piercings and the big guns.”
“So I stare at him awkwardly for a minute. Then I roll my Willpower…and then I probably botch…and then I kiss him.”
(One moment of stunned silence, then utter chaos.)
“Eeeeeeww! You kissed a vampire!”
“That’s gotta be all cold and clammy!”
“Well…only at first.”
“Oh, the spent some blood points?”
“No, he just shuffled them around.”
“Does he kiss back?”
“I think that’s part of the shuffling it around.”
“It’s so fun to pinch your butt, Noel.”
“Everyone’s making fun of me again.”
“Yeah, but you’re getting more action than anyone else.”
“No, I’m not! I didn’t roll around on the floor and have a tickle fight and make out with Paladin.”
“And if you did, you’d be in big trouble.”
“This isn’t a little puppy dog. Trust me. I just shit my pants.”
“Stupid vampire boyfriend. ‘Stand in the back, Charlotte. That’s where you suck, Charlotte.’”
“Do you want to lose another arm?”
“Then she’d be armless!”
“Armless and harmless!”
“Okay, I saw its paw off and put it in my pocket.”
“Eeeeeeww!”
“It’s all in the name of science.”
“Sweet! I got Conviction for making out with a vampire.”
“No, you didn’t. You just got weird points.”
“Who are you?”
“My name’s Victor.”
“Prove it.”
“She waves at you with her good arm. Charlotte, you have a kindred spirit!”
“Hey, Twitch? You’re making some kind of creepy sandwiches there…”
“So you got 21 big black guys, one white guy, and one white guy that think he’s a black guy.”
(rolls Willpower) “Okay, I can leave without cleaning up.”
“Oh no! You caught the Saria disease!”
(Melba to Paladin) “We could get a bed in here, you know.”
“Eew! Babies don’t have to see that!”
“Haji drawing a smiley face is not a good sign.”
“All right. Do you want to go for a walk and talk or something?”
“…sure…”
“Where do you want to go?”
“The Ramada!”
“If only I wouldn’t get sidetracked by vengeance…and sex…and vengeance and sex embodied in the same person…”
“Vengeance and sex and vampires, oh my!”
“This never would’ve happened to Marta. Lucky Marta. She gets to be dead.”
“So I slept with Charlie, okay?”
(Lengthy, horrified pause.)
“Oh…my…God.”
“Isn’t he dead? I mean, how does that work?”
“Actually, not very differently.”
“Isn’t he cold?”
“Only at first.”
(soft, scared little-kid voice) “…I screw dead people.”
“I just thought of the best use for Dominate 1! Regurgitate! And then they puke up everything in their stomach! Then poop! Piss! Masturbate! Ha ha, suckers! One-word commands are the best!”
While Randy is in the process of almost forgetting Valentine’s Day:
“Psst! Randy! Make something by hand! Then she can’t get mad at you!”
“Too bad you’re not still playing Will. Then you could invent a flower.”
“So you and Charlie take care of babies. It’s a much happier, be-my-Valentine-type atmosphere than it has been for the past few nights. No more brooding, think-I-might-kill-you stuff.”
“Yeah, well-timed holiday there, Iain.”
“That’s so cute. Everyone should date a Toreador.”
“Charlie, that’s beautiful.”
“It was the easiest painting I ever made. It was almost like it was already there on the canvas just waiting for me to reveal it.”
(Noel leans in and whispers conspiratorially) “Poop.”
“I wish I were dead.”
“Then Beth would have sex with you!”
“And you could make her poop any time you wanted!”
“He sticks the frosting in your ear.”
“Little prick.”
“But you wouldn’t know that yet, would you?”
“That’s because I’m not a one-armed slut.”
“Well, at one point Paladin goes off for about an hour to fix a leaky pipe…”
“And thus, we find another euphemism for masturbation.”
“Haji’s going to pluck your girlfriend!”
“Randy, it’s 12:30. What do you do?”
“Well, I scream ‘Fuck!’ a lot…”
“We found him.”
“Who?”
“Temple.”
“And his eleven minions.”
“And eight dead human bodies.”
“I begin cleaning my crossbow…”
“Randy, I’m sorry to say it, but you’re going to die a horrible death someday.”
“Is Temple Asian?”
“No, I already asked that.”
“Besides, if he was then his name would be Tera. That’s Asian for Temple.”
“You auto-botched to kiss the vampire. Why can’t you auto-botch to kill the vampire?”
“Mentos: The Fleshraker.”
“Do you want any of us to stay here with you?”
“Charlie will be here.”
“What?! Charlie’s not even a speed bump!”
“So do they have ‘I’m-terribly-scared’ sex?”
“I’ll leave that to your imagination.”
“But you have to ask yourself, won’t he be needing those blood points?”
“I don’t know about that in character.”
“You’ll figure out eventually that you’re not the one doing all the work.”
“And that his warm-up exercises are literally warm-up exercises.”
“You guys are disgusting.”
“What? You’re the one having sex with a vampire.”
(about the guardian babies) “Why did we name the cute one Marta?”
“Are you telling me that you wrapped the babies up in blankets and wedged them into the bucket seat?”
“Well, maybe wedged is the wrong word…”
“I want you to call Saria and tell her…”
“That you’re stupid!”
“I also heard stories about all of the strange lovers that Charlotte has.”
“No, I think she’s pretty monogamous.”
“Yeah, she’s only screwing one vampire.”
“Well, we’re fucked. Better start partying.”
“Right now, I’m inclined to believe the worst, and that’s not the worst.”
“Spoken like a true Defender!”
“If a cow came up to you and said, ‘I want to convince you to become a vegetarian,’ would you say, ‘Okay,’ or would you say, ‘Mmm, hamburger?’”
“Now the cow’s walking right into the slaughterhouse!”
“I don’t intend to die.”
“Hmm, how does a slaughterhouse work?”
“The cow walks in, realizes there is no carrot, and then gets hit from behind with a mallet. It never has a chance.”
“Cows don’t eat carrots.”
“Ssssshh!”
“So you’re saying that St. Louis Park is a festering shithole? Sucks to be Nikki.”
“Did you mean to say ‘Haji’ when you wrote ‘evil?’”
“So the house is pretty close to the park, then?”
“Yeah, it’s only like three blocks away.”
“Sweet! That makes it much easier for me to ditch you guys.”
“You didn’t do it yet?”
“No.”
“Do you mean with Leslie, or with Haji?”
“With Haji?”
“You did Haji?”
“Um…no.”
Ryan, who has been in a group with the character in question for eight months now:
“Noel, what’s your character’s name again?”
“You’re fired. Fired from Hunter.”
“So where’s Captain Falcon in this picture?”
“It’s funny how the tables have turned: Arie’s gotten all logical, and Randy’s gotten retarded.”
“No, I have a really good explanation for all this: I’m retarded.”
“Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Melba’s mom is dating Haji. Or something like that.”
“So when we go to this house and start shooting…I mean, infiltrating…”
“Where’d I put my $6,000? Oh yeah, right next to the cat vomit.”
“I found 25 sticks of dynamite! Do you want some?”
“No, thanks. I’ve got my own.”
“You’re the blackest white guy this world has ever seen.”
“We’d go to work, we’d come home, everyone was happy, no one was blowing up their apartment…”
“You’re gonna show up and be like, ‘Blah blah blah, you’re a good guy,’ and he’ll be like, ‘No, I’m not,’ and then shoot you in the head. Or rip your arms off. Or both.”
“Why is it necessary for you to cut my hair?”
“You heard Steve! These are low-lifes! You can’t blend in without a bad haircut.”
“You’re not cutting my hair.”
“At least let me dye it.”
“There’s no time for hair dye.”
“There’s always time for hair dye!”
“We need to work out a distress signal.”
“How about ‘Code We’re Fucked?’”
“If the cops pulled me over now, I’d be in jail for how long?”
“Forever.”
“Either that or they’d be dead cops.”
“Why is it that in World of Darkness games, you always end up wearing a trenchcoat?”
“You lied. That is the Thaumaturgy book.”
“Yeah, and I’m pissed I don’t get to use the cool Level 8 rituals now.”
“Level 8?! Iain, those are for fifth-generation vampires!”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. That doesn’t happen.”
“Can I see the gun book?”
“Which gun book?”
“The one with all the guns in it.”
“I give Paladin a very intense kiss before he leaves.”
(rolls a bunch of dice) “Yeah, he kisses back.”
“Did you just roll dice for that?!”
“Charlie walks up and punches Haji in the face.”
“I don’t believe this! Why do we even hang out with this guy?”
“Come on. He wasn’t mean to be a fighter.”
“Yeah, he’s a lover.”
“Ain’t that the truth.”
“I bet that stake’s gonna hurt like a bitch when you pull it out of your chest, but hey, it’ll be good pain.”
“I apologize in advance if I kill you all, really I do. But at least Arie’s in a tree, so he’ll be fine.”
“My ‘time to kill Haji’ sense is tingling.”
“When you light on fire, you keep burning. Even guys who aren’t mummified corpses do that.”
“Way to go, Arie. Your stupid costume for Charlotte has actually saved a life.”
“You should’ve let me cut your hair. I can only imagine what that would’ve done.”
“This is a happy crossbow day.”
“Thank you, trenchcoat, for giving your life so that my former arch-nemesis may sort of continue to live.”
“You know all about being crippled. Being crippled is fine. It’s kind of like being Mexican.”
“Eat stake, Haji! Muah hah hah!”
“That was funny because it was stake like wood, not steak like beef.”
“Vengeance is mine!”
“Says the Redeemer!”
“Arie, you pull into the park with your car and see Haji lying on the ground.”
“Sweet! I run him over! And then I get out and shoot him!”
“Out! Out, damned spot! I’m an artist.”
“Don’t worry. I’m sure there’s still plenty of combat left for you guys to die in.”
“So what’s your plan?”
“I don’t know. Stick some C4 on the front doorstep and light it up.”
“Um…maybe just some grenades through the windows would be better.”
(dejected sigh) “Okay.”
“Do you want your arm?”
(immediately, without no pause for thought) “No.”
“It’s so much easier for you.”
“That’s because my boyfriend’s not socially retarded.”
“Actually, he’s just the other kind of socially retarded: can’t go out during the day, randomly sits and stares at pretty things for hours on end…”
“Your life sucks, and it’s funny.”
After Melba and Paladin finally have sex:
“I won the game. Melba can die now.”
“As long as you pour blood
on it, it keeps ticking! Even after it
stops ticking!”
“Now, we’re like one big
happy hunter family!”
“Who cares about homework? I might die!”
“Are Chumpy and his
friends still out there?”
“Hmm, a clean priest. There’s not too many of those in the World
of Darkness.”
“You realize that he’s
holding his Bible upside-down! It’s
actually an anti-Bible!”
“Well, I went to church
with my mom, and I met her friends from bingo, and…”
“Long story short, they’re
all evil.”
“Apparently there’s some
sort of vampire war going on in the city.”
“You took me away from
bingo for this?!”
“Ah, you’ve got a few
vampires in your bushes there. You
might want to have a look at that.”
Now, this is completely unquotable, but I will try:
“We’ll discuss this more
thoroughly tomorrow. Right now, I think
I need to go to work.”
(Iain sings) “Monday, Monday…”
(Beth and Noel sing) “La la, la la la la…”
“Sweet! One more week, and then I can ask my parents
to pave over the park!”
“Meh. Grenades!
Dink!”
“Dude, we can totally make
Hakim talk. Remember, I have two ounces
of C-4.”
“…And then all the king’s
horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Haji together again.”
Noel, imitating uber-powerful Melba:
“What’s that in the
corner? Aah! My shoes are brown!”
“You got past his
derangement…”
“And into his pants!”
“He has the derangement:
Chastity Belt?”
“This supernatural blip,
is it like wee-oo, wee-oo?”
“Bye-bye, Conviction. Now I’ll never get Delve. But on second thought, maybe that’s a good
thing.”
“Yeah, seeing as how it’s
the self-derangement stick. ‘I wonder
what happened over here? Aaaaah! I wonder what happened over here? Aaaaaah!’”
“…So now I’m thinking,
‘Great, Marco, this is going to go perfectly with the butt-plug I was already
constructing!’”
“Why do Randy’s lessons
always sound like portents of doom?”
“Mommy, where do hunters
come from?”
“That’s your
derangement. Hypocrisy. Deranged hypocrisy.”
“Screw weapons! I found my new weapon.”
“Okay. Do you want to sleep in a closet, or in a
room with dirt on the floor?”
“Hey, guys. Any of you want to come out and make sure
there’s nothing going down that shouldn’t be going down but is going down
anyway?”
“That’s a lot of going
down.”
“I call up Dana. Or Samantha. Whoever that girl is that I’m dating.”
“So you and Charlie sit
down with the other four hunters.
They’re watching Night of the Living Dead 2.”
[Long, long pause.]
“Well, this has got to be
a new number one on the list of the top ten most awkward situations…”
“Someone should teach Arie
a lesson.”
“I’m not sure I like the
sound of that.”
“Well, we don’t have to be
Shakespearean about it.”
“Lisa has her own new
private army. This is no good.”
“Roll Perception plus
Alertness, difficulty 8.”
(rolls) “SEVEN!”
“Jeez!”
“For a moment, you
perceive everything in the universe.”
“Yeah, you see God
standing behind a bush.”
“I walk over to Twitcher
and kick him. Not very hard. And I’m covering my nuts.”
“What’s the opposite house
of that?”
“The House of Being A
Bastard Dictator? I don’t know.”
“This is all kind of
far-fetched.”
“Hunters are far-fetched.”
“Your mom is far-fetched.”
“Your mom plays fetch.”
“We’re in Edina. Bring things that kill werewolves.”
“This is where duty and
intelligence go their separate ways.”
“She turns and fixes you
with this ugly-ass stare. It, like,
makes Melba look pretty.”
“Go, Arie, go!”
“I believe that’s the
first time anyone has ever said that about my character.”
“Especially when he’s
throwing explosives in an enclosed space!”
“Who declared open season
on one-armed gimpy hunters?”
“Are you going to give him
the ‘don’t-touch-my-soulmate’ dice?”
Something you never want to hear from your GM:
“Oh my. Um, can I borrow some dice? Five, to be exact?”
“Go ahead and roll your
to-shoot-him-ness.”
“She has Appearance 7 in
this form.”
“Whoa! Arie’s humping her leg.”
“Why was he like
that? He was a god. And all he ever did was go around kicking
Arie in the balls.”
“You try being a god and
taking human form and see how well you handle it.”
“I don’t think Jesus ever
went around kicking ravers in the balls.”
“At least I didn’t have
sex with a corrupt guardian. So there!”
“You saw what he turned
into, with the wings and the fire and the sucking.”
“Dude, Cleave with a Zeal
femur? Whoa!”
“I feel so sacreligious…I
sweep Twitcher into the box.”
“Okay. You now have a box full of Twitcher.”
“You’ve been learning the
lesson of punching people in the virtue nuts.”
“Are you going to break up
with Charlie?”
“No!”
“You know, Charlie, I’m
sorry, but I met this zombie…”
”He’s given me a piece of his heart.”
“The Book of Wayward
Death, by Randy.”
(about Sam the Hermit) “He’s not a bastard, he’s just a broken
creed.”
“Um, Melba, I have a
warning here that says you’re annoying and I’m supposed to hang up on you. (click)”
“I hate bleeding. Bleeding sucks.”
“That’s my lesson for
tonight: It could be worse. I could be
dating a guardian. Or Kurt.”
“You could be having
Kurt’s baby!”
“You didn’t bring your
sword, Charlotte?”
“No, I’m not armed.”
“Damn straight you’re
not!”
“In my cosmology, Hermits
are even more deranged than usual because one-third of the voices in their head
are Twitcher.”
“I’ve seen high blood
pressure do in more than one of your kind.”
“Does he mean Defenders,
women, or black people?”
“That means Paladin’s a
girly-man!”
“Yeah, cutesy one-armed
dead people stuff.”
“Babysitting for you guys
is like working for the Mafia: no explanations, lots of money.”
“If I were a Hermit and I
had Bluster, I’d just watch live TV and Bluster all day long.”
“He has antiseptic Port-A-Potty fluid for blood?” (The scary thing is that this turned out to be the truth.)
“All right, just don’t
mess with anything along the way.”
“Can we mess with the
zombie in your Port-A-Potty?”
“Melba, you are the reason
that monkeys fling poo.”
“Since when does poo have
danger sense?”
“Poo always knows when
you’re about to drop a bomb on it.”
(in response to a supernaturally augmented poop
smell) “Good
thing we’re just a little bit more than human.”
“This would be the most
ignominious death you could possibly have for a character—killed by a toilet
monster.”
“No kidding. ‘How did you die? Oh, poop killed me.’”
“So Melba lays there in
Manuel’s tender grasp…”
“THE POOP DEMON HAS A
NAME?!”
“Poor Melba…sucked on by a
poop demon.”
“I bet Chet is happy he doesn’t
really have nostrils in this form.”
“Get back to the apartment
building right now. We’re doing
something incredibly stupid and we don’t want you to get involved.”
“Charlotte is soaked in
Biffy goo and random congealed vampire-ness.”
“It’s time to feed the
Melba!”
“…And it all would’ve been
fine if not for the fucking snipers.”
“Ah, the story of a
hunter’s life.”
“I’m back. What’d I miss?”
“Just the story of the
poopy-anus vampires.”
“…Yeah, especially because
of punk-boy Zeal god.”
“We didn’t even try
talking to poop-man. We just shot that
shit.”
“What, you mean the
Explorers you get at Budget Rent-A-Car don’t come fully equipped with guns and
explosives?”
“Satellite uplinks make
Randy go crazy!”
“Ha ha. You have a +2 difficulty to swim in the
pool.”
“That’s why I’m not
swimming. I’m sitting in the hot tub.”
“You have a +2 difficulty
to sit in the hot tub. So there.”
“Melba and Paladin do
their Defender flirting and then go upstairs.”
“Randy averts his eyes.”
“Charlotte sits in the hot
tub and misses Charlie.”
“Hey, there’s always
Arie!”
“No!”
“It could just be a
quickie.”
“It probably would be.”
“There are so many things
wrong with that.”
“If it’s not good enough
like this, you could always shoot him first.”
“Melba, roll your Charisma
plus Empathy.”
“Well, we’re all screwed.”
“Arie! You came at just the right time. You’re touring a microbrewery.”
“Really? I kill everyone.”
“Where were we?”
“Leslie had just been
violated by a prairie oyster.”
“Dude, Charlotte, you’re a
college professor. Everyone hates
college classes. So no one will care if
you don’t come.”
“Well, maybe I care if I
don’t come.”
“Maybe Charlie cares if
you don’t come.”
“QUOTE!”
“Just one moment while I
resist the urge to strangle our GM.”
“Melba, Paladin, let’s
go. We’ll prove to the world that black
people can snowboard.”
[Stunned pause.]
“Arie, what color is your
skin?”
[looks] “White.”
“What color is Melba’s
skin?”
[looks] “Black.
Hey, this is a fun game. Get
ready, I’m going to ask you next.”
“I was trying to ski
yesterday, and it wasn’t going so well.”
“It’s not because you’re
black. I swear.”
(after sitting down to watch TV while Melba and Paladin
are trying to get it on) “It’s okay, guys, you don’t have to stop on account of
me. We all have our needs.”
“Why did you just climb
into Melba and Paladin’s bed?”
“I’m trying to build
sticky.”
“The icky kind of sticky.”
“It’s just like playing
one of those video games.”
“Well, I don’t usually use
a joystick, but I’ll make do.”
“Actually, I’m sure you’ve
played with your joystick plenty of times.”
“Arie, you jack back in,
and you appear at…”
“The last save point!”
“Hee hee. The creature’s having a gas attack.”
“Quick, somebody grab the
Conviction that are falling off Arie!”
(about being bitten by Charlie during sex) “It’s like a
G-spot you never knew existed.”
“He didn’t just say
‘four-point ability’ in character, did he?”
“No. And Earth Meld is three points, anyway.”
“Those are the things that
made Hakim freak out, with the screaming and the burning and the running.”
“I got Pete and Pete, and
I got Burden, and that’s all that I got.”
“Too bad Burden doesn’t
work on helicopters.”
(about vampires being Burdened while inside a moving
helicopter)
“This could get really chewy, really quick.”
“Well, when a vampire with
Fortitude 4 gets hit by a helicopter blade, it’s kind of like, one of them has
to give.”
“When in doubt, Paladin
grabs Arie’s ass. ‘Where’s that damn
gun?!’”
“Please don’t compare our hunter
apartments to Waco. We all know what
happened there.”
“Take wound penalties,
butt-pirate!”
“Randy, you’re being
pelted with guns, knives, and explosives…”
“I start to cry. Crying girls will always slow down a SWAT
team.”
“I got all the guns! The SWAT team busted down the door on top of
me. It was great.”
“You crashed a helicopter
into the roof of our apartment building?”
“Well…no. I miscalculated…and crashed a helicopter
into the roof of our apartment building.”
“So the answer is yes!”
“Talk in code! Talk in hunter code!”
“Okeydokey. With my box of Twitcher and my C-4…”
“…And once again, the dead
guy takes the fall for Arie and Randy.”
“You can either say, ‘Do
you want to give blood?’ or ‘Do you want to give blood to vampires?’ See which one hunters will go for.”
“…So, in other words,
metagame like a bitch.”
“It’s a perfect day in
Arie’s life: Conviction, being drunk, and pretending he’s black.”
“We have the blood of 3.8
human bodies in our cooler! Fear us!”
“Vampires all over
Minneapolis are going to be O.D.’ing their little guts out thanks to us.”
“Hunters are the Cuban
cigars of the World of Darkness?”
“To vampires, anyway.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m making the world safe for your keggers,
so you can all just go to hell.”
“All the worst ideas are
mine. That’s why I’m in charge.”
“Leslie’s going to go talk
to some of the living-impaired.”
“If you’re gonna have
weird lovers, you should at least know about it.”
“Charlie, will you Embrace
my ex-girlfriend so I have an excuse to kill her?”
“This session just
couldn’t end until the dead people sex, could it?”
“Can I buy two points in
Demolitions?”
“Why?”
“To redeem things!”
“Terrorists blew up my
Explorer. Can I have a new one?”
“Melba was never a
ding-dong-ditch kind of person.”
“Yeah, she was more of a
ding-dong-drive-by-shooting kind of person.”
“You blew up your own
car.”
“No, the vampires did.”
“Yeah, after Charlotte was
like, heh, shoot a gas tank.”
“There’s no way you can
make that into my fault.”
“I’m pretty sure he just
did.”
“I just handled Kurt’s
rotting corpses. I’m sure I can handle
his underwear.”
“Oh my God it doesn’t
matter! Just get rid of the fucking
corpses! They’re not even ours!”
“You do understand that
you’re overqualified for this position, Mr…Randy?”
“I’m going to do something
not a lot of people do. I’m going to
lie on my resume…the other way.”
“Last name, blank. Middle initial, blank. First name, RANDY!”
“Well, it’s my full legal
name. What else do you want me to
put? I mean, I guess they could call me
Mr. Randy.”
“Well, do you want to deal
with the bees one at a time, or do you want to shake the whole hive loose?”
“Hive! Hive!
Hive!”
“The Magic 8-Ball doesn’t
like our plan, either.”
“I put on some clothes
that say, ‘Look at me! I’m a
secretary!’”
“Arie, you are a scrawny
little black man.”
“Woohoo! Girl-on-girl action!”
“Too bad this girl is just
a character sheet.”
“And she’s still a better
friend than I am.”
“You know you’re a gamer
geek when your characters rank among your best friends.”
“You don’t want to wear my
underwear anyway. It’d be all squishy.”
Also unquotable without the timing and intonations, unfortunately:
“Holy SHIT.”
“Satellite?”
“You think you’ve
definitely been in this neighborhood before during some of your rampages across
Edina.”
“Rage Across Edina! Raaaaaarr!”
“My question is, what does
putting tracking devices in a bunch of little old ladies’ muffins have to do
with building some sort of solar-powered energy device out of guardians?”
(Iain shakes his head) “It’s so funny to listen to you guys talk.”
“So what should I watch
out for? Old ladies, or wizards?”
“Does anyone have a white
flag?”
“I’m wearing underwear.”
“So what are you going to
do now? Eavesdrop on the guy?”
“It seems like that would
be a good idea. Well, maybe ‘good idea’
is a strong word, but we have to do it.”
“For God’s sake, bonk!”
“I’m bonked. It’s you guys who aren’t bonked.”
“I’m bonked. Nikki’s not bonked.”
“Oh, I’m bonked. I’ve definitely been bonked.”
“That’s right. I’ll bonk you all night long.”
“Hey! Hey!
LET ME DO IT! Sorry,
Charlotte. You only have one arm.”
“Do we have another tape
recorder?”
“I’m sure Charlotte would
have one in her briefcase.”
“She can’t carry a
briefcase, dude. If she does, she can’t
open doors.”
“You know, it could have
an over-the-shoulder strap.”
“Wait. Does she really have a shoulder?”
“Well, I wanna know what
happened to the Guatemalan intern, so start the tape up again!”
“And now poor Melba has
the audiotape lodged firmly up her nose.”
“Now the modem wires are
coming out of the wizards’ pants! That’s
how they plan their experiments on little old ladies! They’re gonna turn your friends into solar power cells!”
“They’re ALL against us.”
“Except for the ones you
have sex with.”
“I write his name on my
hand. With permanent marker. Take that, Arcane!”
“Oh no, I can’t find
something! I’d better call Randy!”
“Why do you assume that
having Arcane means you cause people to eat things or lodge them in their nose?”
“Life is a mosh pit.”
“Dude, I’m Arie! You better believe I own a megaphone!”
“Man, that does’t sound
fair. Their powers are way cooler than
ours. Well, I can pick up a car, but…”
“To make those shots, you’d
have to be on the roof, in the air…”
“Or on a satellite!”
“Hey, all your cars are
martyrs, too.”
“TeddyB kicks the door
open and rolls out with the bag of unpinned grenades.”
(pause) “Attaboy.”
“Maybe the explosion’s so
big, the SWAT team won’t come.”
“What? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“It’s so big, they’re
afraid!”
“The first guy who comes
at me gets a big faceful of Cleave stick.”
“Iain, are there any
little luggage carts around? And do
they seem to be borrow-able?”
“Are you playing Frogger
with your hunters?”
“Let’s face it. We’ve always just been little domestic
terrorists.”
“I can just imagine what
the Minneapolis tabloids will say about this.
‘A giant were-lobster-scorpion of the gods was seen yesterday clinging
to the hull of a private jet. He rode
it all the way to Maine. The pilot has
no comment. Red Lobster has no comment.’”
“Do you mean the
restaurant, or the character?”
“Roll Strength + Athletics
to avoid the suction from the jet engine.
What a way to go, huh?”
“On the bright side, it
would definitely stop the plane from taking off if a scrawny black woman got
sucked into the engine.”
“That’s what we should
have done! Just hucked something into
the engine. Like Arie’s body.”
“He’s got some nice
rotted-out rottedness to him.”
“How eloquent.”
“Meh. There’s not very much eloquent about a
zombie.”
“How does that saying
go? Out of the frying pan…”
“And into the rot house!”
“If a comet was going to
hit the Earth and you got enough Redeemers together, you could save Earth.”
“So the security guard
botches you guys right on through…”
“Would you please tell us
at this point who else is horribly, horribly maimed?”
“Well, either they don’t
know we’re coming, or they’re horribly stupid.”
“You guys suck. Ooh, a Nerd.”
“That’s definitely not
Technocratic. That’s no good. That’s like Cameron spawn.”
“We’ll see how well poison
works on smoke.”
(about a spirit that takes advantage of your flaws and
mental weaknesses and uses them to drain your permanent Willpower) “I like this
thing. It made me happy.”
“Roll for Pinpoint.”
“Four successes.”
“Well, its lair is
currently inside of Cassius’s head…”
“So its weakness is the
planet Venus?”
“Oscar lets loose with his
watery goodness…”
“Well, whoever he is, I
hope he’s ready to get shot.”
“I’m going to hold my
action and shoot him if I think he needs to be shot.”
“In front of you, you see
a huge metal guy with a rifle and a helmet with a yellow visor…”
“Iain! If he punches me in the back of the head, do
I die?”
“It it a bad thing that
that’s getting out?”
(pause) “…I don’t know.”
“So in other words, we
should imagine our future Mage group?”
[Iain nods.]
(in unison) “YOU BASTARD.”