“There’s naked people playing athletic games out in the park, but that’s not unusual for you.”
“Note to self: Men do not lock arms in this century. I wonder if they kiss?”
“Hello…Goth!”
“Damn those Sleepers, always Prime-scanning me!”
“Don’t look at me. I’m anti-social.”
“And that’s why you’re scooting next to me?”
“Roll Perception plus Guessing What Mental Illness Someone Has.”
“Listen, I was hacking into the school’s computer system…”
“And just to prove my point, I whip off my pants and piss all over him!”
“Well, I do have a special place in my heart for Stephen Hawking.”
“Are these people all retarded?”
“No, they’re just Americans.”
“No, I can assure you, she’s hideous.”
“At least he can’t take your position as Queen of the Geeks, Leia.”
“No, he’s got Life 3. He can be the queen if he wants.”
“A prayer to Aphrodite, and you’re on your way!”
“That’s strange. The only thing she wants in a man is that he has to be Alex.”
“This I can do!”
“He sprung fully formed from Medea’s kneecap?”
“Do you know she desires you?”
“They call me ‘mistress?’ That’s pretty cool!”
“Bite me, Alex number two.”
“So…you’re a mage?”
“What’s your tradition, baby?”
“Do you have any Virtual Adept in you? Would you like some Virtual Adept in you?”
“Well, judging by that computer, you’re obviously a Verbena.”
“Just because they don’t know it’s vulgar doesn’t mean that reality doesn’t.”
Spoken to the vice-principal, in reference to pulling someone’s toenails out with a pair of pliers:
“It’s a way of saying hello in Greek culture.”
“Well, he’s a Greek guy, so he probably knows how to wear makeup and shit…”
“Who’s your mom? Does she live around here?”
“No, her name’s Med…her name’s Mommy.”
“So in other words, she was travelling around and ran into him, and it was love at first sight?”
“No…but you could say that.”
“Coming on too strong! Coming on too strong! No amount of pheromones will help you now!”
“When did women get to be that way?”
“Apparently, as soon as you got here.”
“What do people do for fun around here?”
(Frankie pantomimes playing video games, masturbation, drinking, and driving.)
“Oh. I see that times haven’t changed that much.”
“Fly like the Goth Peter Pan you are!”
“How much would it suck to be a Marauder neat freak?”
“Tell me more about yourself. You—write me an essay.”
The GM gets tired:
“That’s an even worse idea than showing him her cock!”
“But Mom! Everyone thought that you and Dad were boinking before…wait, I really shouldn’t be saying this to my mom.”
“Julie Ann, honey?”
“Don’t touch my breasts.”
“She’s the only Oracle we have. Do you know what that means?”
“What? Oracle, or have?”
“Do you guys always have to answer the door when you’re naked?”
“I need to take out the AV Department!”
“So there’s a Marauder in your bedroom. A drunk one.”
“I AM TALKING TO THE PROTOZOA! What does it say—in perfect Greek?”
“…And with that, everyone starts cleaning up the mess left by the rampaging paramecium.”
“Lord knows.”
“Which lord?”
“God.”
“Which god?”
“God god.”
(pause) “Oh. (snicker) The Christian God.”
“He’s not evil or malignant at all. I thought you should know that, since I noticed you were trying to kill him the other day.”
“I can’t believe I just said the plant is going to dodge…”
“I’m a hacker, damn it, not the Crocodile Hunter!”
“It’s my goal to create as many unquotable quotes as possible.”
“Does it have leaves? Good. Then I’m going to rip its leaves off.”
“I prune more than an 80-year-old man! (pause) Okay…that made sense in my head.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know you well enough to spend Quintessence on you.”
“Saved By The Bell: The Awakened Years.”
“Ooh, he’s metric and sexy!”
“I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t pluck my familiar.”
“It reeks like Marauder out here.”
“I am not equipped to deal with this situation.”
“Yeah, let me get my gun.”
“In that case, they’re going to keep you make…keep you make…keep you make…damn it! (pause) I mean, make you keep getting a new one.”
“Now I’m not talking to two people in this group.”
(spoken by the mute Chorist) “Hey, I’m not talking to anyone in this group.”
“Before you can get a girl, you have to die. It’s like an old family curse.”
“Yeah, that started one generation ago.”
“Can’t talk! Shitting!”
“You’re trying to put her in the trash can, but she’s a squirmy little bitch…”
“It’s a rat, not a kaleidoscope. Yeah, twist its head to see the pretty pictures.”
“Here’s a pretty painting. Mwahahaha! Die and go to hell!”
“Back at the chantry, Alex, your mom comes to find you.”
“Okay, but you’re talking to my butt.”
“Ripple walks in specificially to get the extra money for appearing in this episode.”
“Yeah, Ripple walks in, waves at the camera, shakes her boobs to keep the male viewers watching, and walks out.”
“Why did you just make a two-handed masturbation gesture?”
“Correspondence!”
“Omigod! He co-located his dick!”
“…And please don’t bring him anywhere near Daddy, because if Daddy whites out, that means Daddy dies, and Daddy doesn’t like that!”
“Missy, you know what Alex is doing? Jacquelyn’ off!”
“Lindsay is talking to a teacher. If you scan her, you definitely sense something magical.”
“Between her and the teacher?!”
“Talk…whip it out. Talk…whip it out. Okay, whip it out!”
“Yeah, it’s Friday! I’m going to fry things!”
“She’s wearing the unitard?”
“And a T-shirt and jeans.”
“You skank!”
“Yeah, the more clothes you have on, the skankier you are.”
“Whenever I think of Leia, I think of her buns and how they’re braided.”
“What? You think of her butt?”
“Yes, she has a braided butt.”
“Ghostbusters: enhancing homophobia everywhere.”
“This is better than Marauder sex!”
“No, this is Marauder sex!”
“Wait a second, you’re having sex and you’re dead. I mean, drunk.”
“I don’t know he’s a sleepwalker! I thought he was one of me!”
(while trying to hit on Leia) “I have the coolest proton pack, and it has three settings: Spirit, Forces, and stun.”
“Ha ha! Now you know how it feels! Oh, wait, you already do know how it feels.”
“It’s just generally a resonance of ookiness…”
“Everybody think happy thoughts for awhile. Trust me on this.”
“Leia, stand by the lights and turn them off when I tell you.”
“Yeah, she’s the Vanna White of ghostbusters.”
“All you saw was a blue flash of lightning when the possessed dodgeball hit him in the head.”
“…And Merrick gets a circle to show that she’s possessed.”
“Mommy, make me smell good!”
“Mom, thanks for the pheromones. This was the best night of my life!”
“I could have a flaming dodgeball. How cool!”
“Okay, so he makes you forget you ever said Leia was hot. However, you’ve also forgotten why you came to see him.”
“Um…Takahashi, why did I come to see you again?”
“You wanted to forget you said Leia was hot.”
“NOOOOOOOO!”
“Did you just say you wanted to turn your robo-kitty into a vibrator?”
“That joke was so bad, I should make you take away a point of Wits.”
“But that would make the jokes worse!”
“Yes, but less frequent.”
“That mouse saved me from the Technocracy!”
“Stampede, die! I mean, draw!”
“The robo-kitty comes over and starts rubbing up against your legs. It’s cold, and hurty.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m confusing the head tree with vampires.”
“This is where I like to be. With a herd of boys following me.”
“Do you know that you’re a mage?”
“So you put on some ‘I want to shag you’ techno…”
“This means there are only two layers between your cock and the outside world!”
“He ran out! He’s faster than a mole!”
“…Because everyone knows that the funniest thing in the world is role-playing people role-playing.”
“Hey, there might be some good-looking geeks there.”
“Not at a LARP!”
“What did you just try to say? ‘Chicken! Up there! Bye-bye!’”
“Damn those Marauders, always stealing my pudding!”
“Crouching tiger, hidden deadbolts!”
“It’s a red light, which is apparently why it’s flashing blue…”
“You guys wanted presents, I’m bringing you presents. Say hello to your Christian Santa Claus!”
“…And the three of you and 10 mainframe computers go flying out into the night.”
“It’s obviously my arch-nemesis…someone!”
“Dude, my old character is so not Norton Anti-Virus.”
“Can we cease the dick-waving stats competition, here?”
“Since when do resonances equate to evil? It’s not like alignment, man. Yeah, my resonance is dynamic evil!”
“It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with eating a pet to signify coming of age.”
“We could always just go up to them with a chip and say, ‘Is this your static resonance, sir?’”
“…And I think evil is not a nice way to refer to this, since I do have some stasis in me. I prefer ‘dynamically impaired.’”
“I don’t want to shit on someone else’s legs!”
“I don’t think Alex actually knows anything. He just fiddles around with it afterwards.” (Spoken in complete innocence after 5 minutes’ worth of masturbation jokes.)
“Go back in your shirt, Mike.”
“Yeah, I’m a girl. I talk about things.”
“I’m sorry I tried to steal your familiar. I didn’t know it would kill you.”
“I’m sorry I tried to kill you after you tried to steal my familiar.”
“Ohhh…hug.”
“Feel better?”
“Yes.”
“Good! Now come inside and suck on a Barbie with me.”
“I seriously think we should blow up the room. It is a bomb shelter.”
“I cock my gun.”
“In public?!”
“I don’t want to go around just blasting things…”
“…Which is why you brought your gun.”
“Ha ha! You fucked the Technocracy!”
“My mom probably has something better to do. Like boinking my dad.”
“Oh, I am so sorry! Is that my penis on the table?”
“HIT Mark’s gonna save me from the Traditions!”
“I don’t want to see Marauder penis!”
“Nothing says Leia like etiquette.”
“Did you hear about all those mages that got arrested? Yes, good thing we’re Sleepers, isn’t it?”
“We think he’s crazy.”
“We know he’s crazy. Well, you know he’s crazy. I think he’s Greek.”
“Oh, I can assure you. Reality works exactly the way that I think it does.”
“I’m going to pray like a motherfucker.”
(sniff sniff) “Hey, that’s Leia’s Resonance. Why do I feel it all over me like an oily Leia bath?”
“After I’m done, I’m going to sheath his partner!”
“In your pants?”
“I can’t believe you’re making me consider how much damage an unconscious HIT Mark does when used as a weapon.”
“I start stroking his face. ‘Are you sure?’”
“Omigod! Are you hitting on the HIT Mark?”
“I don’t think I have a name.”
“Kyler Mark II!”
“Chance Marcus HIT Mark!”
“I need to find a dress that I can hide a gun under.”
“I love how everyone in this game has a massive cock. Even the women have vestigial cocks.”
“No, I just push my bosoms out onto the table and they make this enormous whoomp! Only you can’t see them, because I have a Bra of Holding!”
“I can’t wait to introduce my cat at home. My cat’s going to die. I mean my cat, not my cat.”
“It’s in style to have breasts of the Wyrm!”
“Your breasts have ‘Property of the Nephandi’ tattooed across them?”
“I think it’s funny that you’re trying to get your girlfriend in bed with your roommate.”
“…Not real life!”
“I have so many other things to think about.”
“Yeah, like the Ascension War and my highlights!”
“Gee, how do I say this in a way that everyone can
understand. Wait, I’ve got it. Marauders rule!” (Knocks the vice-principal unconscious.)
The Characters:
Leia G. Chial, a Son of Ether (the daughter of Kenley Chial and Joe Mau). Played by Rachel.
Makareus, a Marauder who sees the world as ancient Greece (the son of Medea). Played by Mike.
Merrick Mallory, a Euthanatos LARPer Goth (the daughter of Kaitlen Mallory and Aeoli). Played by Anne.
Storyteller: Beth.