“I say we follow him. We’ve got time to kill.”
“Do you mean time to kill, or time to kill?”
“Hopefully, both.”
“I speak orc! ‘I come in peace, orc!’ I say in orc.”
“What are you doing up there?”
“Inspecting these branches. I’m a tree inspector.”
(Long pause.)
“Well, that seems logical to Treehead.”
“Why the hell are you so short?”
“Why the hell are you so tall?”
“It’s the philosophy of why-are-you-so-tall!”
“Um. Yes. I am a peddler. I have come to…peddle?”
“This is mountain jade! It’s mountain-y fresh!”
“…And as we all know, the club never lies.”
“I think I’ll just follow the smell of ale.”
“Once again, the nice, normal, honorable people hook up with the criminal and get dragged down with him.”
“Ha ha, suckers! I win!”
“I suppose I’ll just wander the streets fascinating myself by looking at shiny objects.”
“I’m unconscious!”
“Well, thank God for small favors.”
“Hey, it’s the tree inspector! And he’s unconscious!”
“It’s mystery meat…Japanese style!”
“I made eating DC 20, ‘cause they’re chopsticks.”
“Why are you strangling the tree inspector?”
“No, wait! I know this great trick involving ghost sounds and dancing lights…”
“I love this. Three of us are like, ‘Honor!’ and the other three are like, ‘Honor?’”
“I’m not a freak! I’m a half-sparrow!”
“Y’know, I’m not a big fan of you people’s system of justice.”
“At the moment, I’m not either.”
“Maybe you could tap something out in hengeyokai Morse code.”
“That isn’t very honorable. DIE!”
“Suck this, goo-man!”
“You’re slashing at him again?”
“Well, I’m not gonna kiss him.”
“Where’s Listen?”
“They’re alphabetical!”
“Yeah, I forgot where L is.”
“He’s a useless shugenja. I say you shoot him.”
“Everyone’s useful but Treehead!”
“YES!”
“Yeah, all his rations are in sparrow ass space.”
“Dude, we all suck.”
“I got a 12! I didn’t suck that much.”
“Yeah, but you’re with us, so you suck by default.”
“You’ve gotta learn how to shit poison.”
“…And as it comes at you, it gains the mental derangement of I’m A Dog.”
“Even the monsters in this world are sexist.”
“Oops. I’m used to Mage, where everyone rolls for everything.”
“Except taking a crap, and that’s only when you’re not constipated.”
“Yeah, roll Stamina plus Taking A Crap.”
“Would that be a talent, a skill, or a knowledge?”
“All I know is, if you kill a donkey, man, you’re screwed for life.”
“Yay! I’m back up to 1 hit point!”
“Good. Now I get my horse back.”
“That’s good, ‘cause all I have for ammo is cherry blossoms and rations.”
“What is it, Zuban? Timmy’s in the well?”
“We could sell him the gnome!”
“Then we could be a party of tainted creatures and, like, go hunt down adventurers.”
“I volunteer to fail my saving throw!”
“There’s a boulder!”
“In the sky?”
“It explodes in a fountain of acid and poison!”
“Yeah, way to be a bird, Marko.”
“Those are the two things I’m good at. Finding shelter and falling asleep on my watch.”
“In the interest of our party, I’m not going to sing you to sleep.”
“I gotta feed my horse, and shit.”
“Well, I gotta remove this taint, and shit!”
“I mean, listening to the bakemono sing probably would have been better than this.”
“Give the tree inspector his…dealie back.”
“I’m not gonna sit down. I’m a sparrow-man.”
“Sorry, I was drunk for a second. What do you want to do?”
“He’s sitting in a room by himself. Unarmed.”
“Don’t tempt me, man.”
“Hey, man. We infiltrated the kitchen.”
“Hide and shiver like the little bird you are!”
“Hey, I have a high Charisma! You may think I’m annoying, but you don’t dislike me.”
“The cheap way involves bleeding the poison out of him.”
“Sounds good to me!”
“Why not just amputate?”
“Yeah, right. See if I ever help you again.”
“We’re gonna get swept under the rug, man. We’re getting sent back to the Shadowlands, only without jade rings this time.”
“Don’t dis shiny things, man.”
“What’s the setup?”
“Rage and attack!”
“If it’s hide armor, do you get a bonus to Hide?”
“If that happened, I’d just iajutsu the cat.”
“Brave Sir Dragon ran away…bravely ran away, away…”
“What? He gets a morale bonus to running away?”
“I’m gonna magic missile the Dragon.”
“That sounds a lot cooler than it actually is.”
“…And all the people were like, ‘Guns are better!’ and the samurai were like, ‘No, they suck!’ and then they killed all the samurai and outlawed guns.”
The Players and Characters:
Fuddlesup, a gnome bard transported from a different continent in a freakish invention mishap. Played by Rudi.
Hayano Soshi Yumegaro, a Scorpion Clan shugenja and Hitomi’s karmic twin. Played by Noel.
Bayushi Hitomi, a Scorpion Clan samurai and the nearest medieval equivalent of a feminist crusader. Played by Beth.
Kakita Muramasa, a Crane Clan samurai and (some would say) the brains of this operation. Played by Marko.
Treehead Woodfist, a half-orc barbarian who’s a little too dependent on his club. Played by Jake.
Zuban, a sparrow hengeyokai. Played by Ernst.
DM: Iain.