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True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island... to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep them is a blessing.

7-30-2000
    Sorry for not updating my page for awhile, will sometime.  Ugh, maybe am getting a life, wehehe.  Hmm, maybe.  Anyways, here a poem I made, I was just thinking of the past, and made it.  Anyways, hope everyone is having a good summer time.  Little Things

7-14-2000
Poem added: Angels
    I thought of this poem awhile ago when I was on a bus, where some people ahead of me were talking about angels and I was thinking about some of my friends.  And well I got the poem, by combining  them.  Sort of strange uhh, o well.  It is very short, so am not sure why I put it up here, though it makes me feel better. Though it seems like I have heard something similar to this poem, though am not sure.

7-13-2000
Poem added By Maria Schwartz: The Perfect Place

7-12-2000
      Ok well, yes am updating, I feel like am turning into a friend of mine who updates every month.  Though to tell you the truth, well at least one of them, the reason I have not updated, is because I have been trying to change the lay out of this site.  Since when I first made this site I did not think.  It is very hard to update, since if I update I have to upgrade every other page.  So am fixing it now, besides waiting until I  go out of my mind from this site.  Other than my life has been more busy than I would have expected. I have gotten a new computer, gone to a few parties, mostly computer parties, but o well.  Playing a new game I have been wanting to get for the last year or two, and it just released, so that is very very good.  So amazingly I have a life, wow.  If you think of that of a life...  Though since computers are my life, and I went one route and I failed, I will go this route of computers, and hopefully succeed.  
     Yah, I don't know, from all of this I made a good friend outside of state, a E-mail pin pal, which is cool.  Though for some reason they have not responded for awhile, where am a little worried about them, since they were in a strange situation.  Though I hope for the best and hope they write back.  Other than that, I have been swimming a lot, while watching all the little kids to make sure they don't die though there is no pay for me to do this.  Ugh, oh well, they are funny to talk to sometimes.  Where they will tell me secrets about there mother or there little sisters or brothers, and they think it is a biggest thing in the world, and tell me not to tell anyone else.  And they jump up and down when they see me, and all of this.  I don't know am not being paid to do this, just having fun I guess.  
      Though in the middle of all this I have finally talked to a long time friend of mine whom I stopped talking to, because he went a completely different way than I was going, and we never saw each other very much.  Where later on we would not even say hi, when passing each other.  Though after a disc game, where I finally got home at 10 pm I saw him on the bus, where I started to talk to him, from a grocery store to my house.  So we talked for about an hour.  So that was good, found out how his life, how he has been doing, where he works, where one of my friends works there too.  It is amazing the things you can learn from talking to someone.  Where we have not talked to each other in about 8 year, and in about a min we click again and it feels like we know each other all over.  Oh well, who knows if we will talk again, since he works two jobs, and the only reason I talked to him before, was from him getting home from work.  Oh well, at least the grudge we had is mostly gone now.  Though I still wonder what would have happened if I would have kept on speaking to him and kept being friend 8 years ago.  Would I have made him go a completely different route or would I go a completely different route.  Sort of strange how things can change like that, though this is one time I think I would have wanted to keep him as a friend.  Oh well, life does strange things, and you never know what will happen.
     Yah, that is what has been happening in my life for while, though now am sort of wondering, should I keep this site up.  I have received 450 hits in a month and a half, and no one has written me anything.  I guess I don't mind, but I wonder does anyone really care what I say here or am I just typing to an empty crowd. 

You’ve failed many times, although you may not remember. You fell down the first time you tried to walk. You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim, didn’t you? Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat? Heavy hitters, the ones who hit the most home runs, also strike out a lot. R.H. Macy failed 7 times before his store in New York caught on. English novelist John Creasy got 753 rejection slips before he published 564 books. Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, but he also hit 714 home runs. Don’t worry about failure.  Worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.
- A message published in the Wall Street Journal - 1981

7-1-2000
     Yes, I know I have not updated in a very long time.  There is a very good reason for this though.  My computer was dead, :(.   Terrible, right?  Maybe not, maybe so, but in the summer time a bad thing, and right now even worse. For one, I have no life, since all my friends are not the real get out and do something type of people.  There more of the aim or ICQ or even e-mail type of people.  Which brings up an interesting point.  Most of my friends that I have in school or other places are just "hello" friends.  The type of people that you talk to and say hi, ones whom you can get in a good discussion about topics.  Though the thing is they don't want to do anything around in town or go somewhere to have any fun.  One of my friends, the more active type of people who likes to do things, is leaving.  Which really sucks, though during summer we have done a few things.  I guess you could say he is the only one of my friends who is like that.  Though maybe it is my character that no one understands,  with friends thinking he would not want to go to a movie, or go to a concert, or even go out to Washington Square.  Hmm, I guess no one really understands me that well, though in some ways I guess you could think of it as my fault, not talking to anyone.  Well I did try once, but that failed miserable, which made me go in a complete circle, and go back to how I was before, where I guess you could say, only things got worse.  Where things will probably be getting more awkward as the days, weeks, and months, pass on.  O well that is life, and we make mistakes, and hopefully we learn from them.  Though am not sure what I learned from this.  Is it along the lines of, love sucks.  No, that is a little too harsh for words.  Did I learn, always keep an open mind of what could happen and never stick to anything?  Where you should never think you will get anything in life, always be on the edge where you always have a safely point to jump off and start over again.  Someone told me that, which in some respects does work, the thing is, it does not sound right to me.  It seems like I have asked myself this a few times of why that single quote bothers me.  Think of it this way, everyone has emotions, either good or bad, where things will complete destroy your life, or you will have the best days of your life.  Though instead of thinking on your side, the one who has gone through all this suffering and grief.  Think of it on there end.  What are they thinking of you?  You start talking to a person who will never go out of there way for anyone, and they think of something for a day and forget the next.  If I was that person, which in some case I was, I would not understand how they feel, without directly going up to them and yelling at them to get the picture.  Since they put themselves down every day of there lives and they don't think any thing will go there way, they say, "oh that would never be true, am to ugly for someone to go out with me, or they are just all desperate, or am not good enough to do that"  That person will forget everything that happened yesterday and put themselves down.  So the person on the other side, is wondering what they are thinking, why are they saying though things.  So they continue for days, weeks, months, 2 months, 3 months, even 4 months, and they still are no where.  This is from them being so confused about what that person wants, and if they would even like you if you asked them.  Yah, your probably saying, pick up there signals of what they want, and how they feel about you, well there is a problem.  If that person does not care, or in other words is not thinking of anyone, and just going there own way, they are not going to show any signals.  So you have no where to turn.  Probably half of you reading this are trying to disagree with me, every step of the way.  Though just try thinking of that person on the other side, the one whom is acting in some words like they don't care, and you will see what I mean.  Put yourself in there shoes and you will see.

When I see your smile, and I know it's not for me, 
that's when I'll miss you.

6-21-2000
    What makes us human?  Is it the way we act around are self, how we destroy everything and only care for us.  Or maybe it is experiences that make us human.  We live in a very different life compared to many of the animals on this planet.  We use technology to help us through life, we do this through testing are medicines on other things than us; to make sure we don't get hurt.  We mass produce products without looking at the consequences of what we are doing.  Though we have learned through are experiences of what happens.  Like the nuke on Hirosema, we found out later on, all these bad chemicals and toxins have to go somewhere and guess what, this was us.  We have done so many bad events in are life.  Some unprepared and some prepared.  This is the only way are human race can learn.  Not through mathematical reasoning, not through computers, and not even from a mind reader telling us what is right, wrong, or not to do at all.  We must go forth and use courage and see what happens.  Is trial and error the best thing to use though.  Should we go through life and test things out.  NO of coarse not, at some point in time someone touched that hot oven and said ouch.  Well he told his friends, he told his family and worshipers that this was hot.  Most people believed him, saying yes it is hot I should never touch that.  Though guess what people still might listen of someone else's advice and still go for it.  That child will still touch that oven even though it is hot, since he wanted to know for himself.  Though is there some point where others experiences and advice gets mixed?  Crossed as in they have a good point and so does he, but they are completely opposite of each other.  Is there a point where common sense in today's world is not as easy as we think it is.  As in, the poem Smart by Shel Silverstein.  This poem is exactly what am talking about.  One part of common sense says it is money, don't give it away the dollar is worth more.  Though another part tells us in are experiences or common sense, that two is more than one and three is more than two.  There are many examples of this.  Many including my life.  One example, if I were to see some friends talking in the corner and they know me well, and would not mind me talking to them, though I don't.  This is from me thinking yes they are friends and they like to talk, but the other side says they might be talking about something important that I should not interfere.  Where the common sense is crossed, I know they are friends, but I want to try and be a good person to be around.  Then what about a phone call, how do you know when you should call someone.  Do you know a good time, what they are doing at the time, or if they are too busy to talk.  You want to talk to them to go do something or to see how they are, though you don't want to be an ass and call all the time.  There are different problems for each person.  I know I have missed so much from life, from having to take care of myself and no one else there for me.  So I had to grow my own persona, common sense, and personality.  I feel I have missed so many experiences in life, though others say it is better, you are more prepared in life in a whole.  Maybe or maybe not.  Maybe I missed all the fun in life, and I will be a dull ass hole who does nothing through life.  Who I will be the person being controlled in the work place, and in life.  Or the person whom sits at there desk who are the most boring person in life, since they don't want to go do anything.  Though they are a really nice person to be around.  This is where a butt head in life come in handy, you don't have to care about others so much.  You care more about yourself, instead of the people around you.  Others might hate you for it, but hey your having fun, so who cares.  In some facts, theses are the type of people who are the more action people, whom will go out and do things.  You could put all your force into them and they will still push you forward.  Maybe an asshole is just better in are world, maybe changing would be better for me.

A friend is someone that knows the song of your soul, and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

6-16-2000
    What is the easiest and better way to forget someone whom you love?  Would it be to just be friends with them and talk to them, though you will be remembered of how you felt in the past?  What about just leaving and not seeing them for the whole summer, or even longer, where you might be in depression for a week, but afterwards you will not see them, so it won’t matter.  Though in that case, when you finally do come to see them again, what happens?  Since you did not deal with the pain, does this mean you will be remembered of what happened, and go through the pain all over again?  Or will this mean, since you don’t care anymore; you wont have to deal with it.  I have been trying to find out in my head, what would be the better idea.  Though, I thought I picked one, at one point in time, though it seems like it is not working.  This is either from me not talking as much as I should be or her not having time in her life for me to talk.  In my head, I thought the best thing to do, would be to talk about how I feel, and how she feels.  Though I feel as if I have already answered this question.  Where I think of what I would say, and then I think even more of what she would say.  Which in some ways makes me feel worse, and sometimes better.  It makes me feel worse from me knowing nothing will happen and we won’t get together.  Though I know I will not want to get together, since I know she is much better with him.  Though since I have the feelings, I don’t know what to think.  Then am also thinking, is this website and the memories of the poems I made, making me remember how I felt, which is keeping the pain inside of me.  Should I delete this page and forget the memories?  Or is it better to remember the past and hold on to them, since I can remember experiences from them and learn what I did wrong?
    Someone asked me last night who has gone to my web page, saying they would never show there feelings on the net, for everyone to see.  I thought of the same thing, am I like this?  Do I show my feeling in school or in public?  I feel am more of a person whom keeps my feeling hidden.  Where barely no one knows how I really feel.  Where even the one whom I consider my close friend don’t know half of what has happened in my life.  Is it better to hide how I feel about what happens in my life, since they are the worse memories of my life, or is it better to talk or tell people how I feel.  Some people would not want to know of others experience, for they don’t think they can help.  I have never had anyone really want to know, what has happened.  Maybe that is why I turned to a website to say something.  Though for some reason, this does not feel like a good idea.  Though I am feeling better of myself, typing how I feel.  Maybe this will be another question I will not have an answer to. 

Many say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but think about this:  Which truly causes the most pain?

6-15-2000
Added Poem: Let You Know

6-14-2000
Added Poem: Time

6-13-2000
    It is interesting how much can happen during a day, and then still moving on to two.  You always seem to think, I will have enough time, and put it off more and more.  "Sometimes there is no next time, no second chance, no time out. Sometimes it's now or never." (Bart Forbes) (BTW I'm in a quotes mood)  Though there are times, where a persons life is so full, they have no time on there hands.  They have so many friends, so little time, so many things, they have no time to change for anyone.  They keep living through life, and try and get all the pleasures of life, while trying to stay awake from it all.  They try and do the best they can, but you can't make everyone happy.  There is a problem, what about how others think of you, it takes is time to fill the wounds, though when someone is so busy talking or visiting everyone else, how can this happen.  They say the larger the wound, the hard it is heal, though what happens, when you don't know why it hurts and why it is like this.  It continues...  What is better, to forget the wound or  help it heal.
    You probably want to know why I even wrote that on top.  Well, I guess am not sure.  I went to Silver Fall last night, for the last day to see all the seniors go, and also to see everyone else since I wont see them over summer.  Though I still wonder, should I have gone.  I mostly went to mend some wounds of my own, to try talking and release what I feel.  Well, I did not get to do this.  I think of myself of being there.  I probably looked different than I most of the time do, since I was nor happy nor sad.  I was just thinking the whole time, not knowing what to do.  I did not know who to talk to, since the one person whom I did, was too busy to even look at me.  Where if they did, they had to look the other way to say hi to someone else.  There was one point where I just stood in one place, not knowing what to do.  That was the point where I said, this is the most fucked up thing in my damn life I have ever done, and why the hell am I here.  Which just makes me think, should I ever try this again, since people are so immature.  Where don't get me wrong, I think many people think the same of me.   Though, why should I try if another person does not care, though how do you know if they care, if they don't know you like them.  These are question I wont know the answer to.  Though I know something for sure, I'm not going to ever try this again for a long time.  I remember a quote from someone, "All the wrong people like me. But just that one, the one I WANT to turn around and look at me..."  Well I guess I don't have a backup plan for whom I want, so I just live on with life.  It is sort of funny, when someone has so many people liking them, how do they feel? "Being told that you are loved by someone is not a bad thing at all, in fact it's an incredibly good thing. Flattering in every way, even if you don't have the feelings for them back." (E.T.)  It must feel nice to be like, though, is it sort of annoying at times?  Are they your backup plan if something wrong happens, or will they just be your admirers for a long time and you might like them enough if your desperate.  Though are they even worth it, if they keep bugging you each and everyday just for you to finally except.  I sure hope not.  That just does not seem right to me.  I guess my question is, how do you ask someone a question, if they have no time for you?  If they have no time for you, why do you even care about how they feel, are you just doing it for yourself?  

"I could have filled a book with a thousand pages, telling you how I feel.  Though I left you, leaving you without a sound, except my heart shattering, as it hit the ground.  Where I noticed the only way to love anything is to realize it will be lost."
-G.J.W.

6-10-2000
Ah life, I thought life balances out, in some way or another.  Maybe it does, maybe it does not.  Well if it does, I guess I'm going to have the best years of my life, when I turn 18 and graduate.  I'll be on my own and living a life of freedom.  Is that really what I want though?  I took a test today on www.emode.com , it is a site where there are a ton of test, about relationships, personality, career, health, you know just a big test site.  Well I took a lot of test on my personality.  Which every time, I got the same thing.  The piece of me I want to get rid of, and these test tells me I still have.  There are so many people in this world, who don't care about others, or how they feel in general.  They go around being the jokester, the center of attention, the person whom everyone listens to and they hurt others for there fun, to make themselves feel better and to gain attention.  You might think, ok, they wont go very far in life, anyways.  Well think about it, these people are the type of people that become into something like Tom Green, who just makes fun of people, and hurt so many others.  You know how much money he has.  Just about any band you look has some sort of person whom was an ass in school.  You know what I think, these people don't have fear, since they don't care about others feeling, why should they care about theirs.  Who cares if there lives go down the drain, they have popularity to keep them up.  They can live through life not know half of what happened the last day, but still have a great future ahead of them.  I talked to someone today talking about, why do people do this.  Easy they want attention, they want to be noticed, they want to do it for there own pleasure, which in respect causes pain to others.  There are so many other ways to not hurt others and not to butt head to other people, but still have fun, and be happy.  Though since everyone admires them and gives them attention they don't care.  They are living a life, from everyone elses pain.   I don't know.  I'm the type of person whom is nice to everyone, who does not care to much about what others say about me.  The only time I care what others say is from me giving half of my life to my friends.  I share what they have to say, I understand what they are going through, and try to help.  Though when they forget about me, or even seem like they don't care, I feel bad.  On a test I took, "What is your superpower" mine was invisibly, hmm, well this is the worse thing for me to have.  This is everything against what I have been wanting to be.   I have wanted to be myself and gain friends.  Though I don't know about that, it seems like in this world you have to as an ass just to get someone to listen to you, and to know what you mean.  In my heart I know this is wrong, but from my eyes this is what I see and I don't want that is be true.  Maybe I should forget that goal, and be who I was 2 years ago: quiet, might say hi sometimes, go my own way, forgetting about everyone else.  Where no one knows me very well.  

"I've been searchin' my soul tonight 
I know there's so much more to life"
-Theme Song from Ally McBeal 

6-8-2000
Added Poem: I Will Always Remember You

6-6-2000
Well I know I have not updated my page at all, from so much work in school.  Though I guess I will update today, since it is sort of important for at least this site.  I guess this would be the day where I'm forgetting the person whom I've loved so much.  She was is one of the nicest, kindest, thoughtful, funniest, most beautifulest people I have ever known and I'm just going to leave.  You might say, why?  Well, first of all it was a year ago that I liked her.  She was funny, and fun to talk to, and looked nice.  Well this year, I talked to her even more, and got to know her better.  She reminded me of myself in a way, which interested me.  I decided to get to know her better, after forgetting about her one year earlier,  I fell in love.  Well that was in some cases a mistake, though I have learned so much from her.  She seemed to bring all the good things out in me, I'm the type of person whom most of the time wont talk about my feeling spontaneously to anyone.  Well  that changed quick, I had to start talking to people to see who she really is and what others thought.  Then I don't most of the time write very often, well again she changed something, I began to write poetry and papers of how I feel.  Well today was the day, where I decided that I wanted the best for her, which is not me.  She seems to have a great life happening right now, and do I need to mess it up.  No, I don't think so.  She seems to have enough friends, and people asking her out, should I really be another one to the pile. No, again I don't think so.  Does she like me, I don't know, is she my friend, yes I'm just about sure of that.  Though more than that, no.  Maybe your all right, who have sent me letters, about you option, that I'm to young and I should not waste my time.  I have thought a few times about that, and well, I could be to young, but I still have feeling and I do love her.  Though I would like what is best for her, and she is better off without me.  Though, I'm forgetting about her, I will always remember how she changed me in the such little time.  

It hurts to see you walk away. For admit it or not, you were an important part of my life and the time we shared will forever be a part of me, so even though I realize that it was never meant to be, still, it hurts. 

Start of Webpage
Well it has taken awhile to put this site up to meet my standards.  Which it still is not the best I could make it, but I just want to get it up and running.  I made this site for myself.  Sort of a way of expressing myself and release the feeling I have.  There are many things happening in my life.  Which I found out poems made me release my self better.  I also added a place to put other peoples poems to show what is going on in there life.  If I get a enough people submitting poetry I will have a place where the people who have sent in 3 or more poems, gets there own page to show there poems.  I have also add a link on the side, which is very good at giving out other poetry sites.  So go ahead and go there and check it out, and if you want go ahead and vote for me.  Then if any of you want me to link to you send me an E-mail to [email protected] . I have enough room, and please try and make a type of banner so I can link back to you.