| The Really Strange World Of... CARLY RIVORRERER Last Call |
| "HELLO! I'm Carly Rivorrerer, the really quite sweet brigadier's daughter, or something. I fell through a time-hole and emerged into the 21st Century. Anyway, I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say, it was really badly-plotted. That's another fine mess you've gotten me into! Oh sorry, that's last century." TODAY... CARLY RIVORRERER TAKES ON HER DESTINY "Tum tee tum. Hello there dear readers, etc. How are we all today? You're all fine? That's ("clucking" - Ed) A! You join me as I'm about to get my palm read in Madame Parker's fortune-telling shack at the county fair. ("Twitchin'" - Ed)!" (Carly Rivorrerer enters the shack and meets Madame Parker.) "Hey there, Miss P! Love the get-up, it's ("Spit" - Ed)-hot!" "Cross my palm with thirty silver." "Oh, ("trite" - Ed), have we started? ("Twit" - Ed), you don't let the ("trucking" - Ed) grass grow, do you?" "I can see far, far into your past..." "Er, excuse me, I already know my ("clucking" - Ed) past! It was ("tank" - Ed)." "You have travelled a long way to get here..." "Are you listening to me, you gormless ("stunt" - Ed)? I'm not interested in my past! CAPITAL F!" "You were once young and innocent..." "Are you saying I'm not young anymore?!? Well, ("MUCK" - Ed) YOU! PICK A WINDOW!" (Carly Rivorrerer gets up, ready to leave.) "So long, you dumb ("witch" - Ed), I don't have time for this ("grit" - Ed)!" "Carly! Wait!" (Carly Rivorrerer turns around and is dumbfounded to see the madame remove her headdress and reveal herself to be renowned literary giant Dorothy Parker.) "Dorothy Parker?!? What the ("suck" - Ed) are you doing here?" "I jumped through the time-hole you fell through in the twenties. I came here to bring you back, because I believe the Algonquin Round Table could use your caustic cynical eye." "("Cluck" - Ed) that, love, I'm never going back! I'm not leaving the 21st Century for anyone!" "You have to come back with me! I've read your diatribes on Napster, shop assistants, nu-metal, QVC, builders, trains, the circus and David Blaine - and I'm not the only one who thinks you're amazing. George S Kaufman can't stop taking about you!" "I don't give a ("slap" - Ed)! I'm never going back! This century's the ("bucking rollocks" - Ed)!" "You must come back with me..." (Carly Rivorrerer sees Parker wave her hand and a temporal vortex appears, beginning to suck in everything in the room.) "I'M NOT JUMPING INTO THAT THING, YOU DAFT ("HAT" - Ed)!!! I HAVE A LIFE TO LEAD!!! AAARGHHH, THAT ("SPIT'S" - Ed) SUCKING ME IN!!! CAPITAL F!" (Carly Rivorrerer and Dorothy Parker are sucked into the gaping void, a lifetime of astute literary criticism awaiting Rivorrerer.) "("CLUUUUUUUCK" - Ed)!!! Ah well, I suppose it's not too bad. Hey, I'll never hear Toploader again! Result! CAPITAL A! EVERYTHING'S NOT SO AWFUL AFTER ALL!" CARLY RIVORRERER - NOW SHE'S BACK IN THE BLOODY TWENTIES Another Carly Rivorrerer |
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