| The Really Strange World Of... CARLY RIVORRERER |
| "HELLO! I'm Carly Rivorrerer, the really quite sweet brigadier's daughter, or something. I fell through a time-hole and emerged into the 21st Century. Anyway, I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say, it was really badly-plotted. Only meee! Oh sorry, that's last century." TODAY... CARLY RIVORRERER TAKES ON DAVID BLAINE "Tum tee tum. Oh, hiya geezas! Welcome back to my column after a year-and-a-half away. I was just on a long sabbatical, not languishing under an eighteen month suspended sentence pending an obscenity trial, whatever you may have read in the quality sunday tabloids. News Of The World, eh? (mumbles)("Tank..." - Ed)" (Carly Rivorrerer turns on the TV. She sees ubiquitous 'magician' David Blaine climb into a perspex box.) "What's this ("spit" - Ed)? 44 days and nights in a ("trucking" - Ed) box? CAPITAL F! That's not hard, that's a piece of ("kiss" - Ed)! ("Spite" - Ed), I wish I could get out of my daily responsibilities by hermetically sealing myself in a ("sucking" - Ed) glasshouse..." (Carly Rivorrerer thinks then smiles.) "Hang about! My TV license is due to be renewed... if they can't get to me, then I won't have to pay it... That'll show those capitalist ("hats" - Ed)!" (Carly Rivorrerer locks herself in her greenhouse. A TV license man emerges around the side of the house.) "Um... hello? Ms Rivorrerer? I couldn't get an answer at the front door, so I -" "So you thought you'd trespass on my ("clucking" - Ed) property? Is that it? Well, I can't pay my license this year, as obviously I'm too busy doing this challenge of sealing myself in a glass box like that Blaine ("stunt" - Ed). I think he's 'street'!" "Um..." "Don't 'um' me, you ("spit" - Ed)-head! CAPITAL F! Can't a gal seal herself away for the best part of two ("trucking" - Ed) months without some ("clock" - Ed)sucking official knocking on my door, selling me some 'official' documents about whether or not I want to renew my TV? It just shows ("trite" - Ed) all day anyway! What's the ("clucking" - Ed) point?" "Well, the quality of programmes is hardly our-" "I said what's the ("clucking" - Ed) point?" "Um..." "Answer me, mother("trucker" - Ed)! WHAT'S THE ("CLUCKING" - Ed) POINT?" (Carly Rivorrerer's booming tirade begins to bend the glass.) "Please Ms Rivorrerer, there's no need for-" "ANSWER ME, YOU IGNORANT ("RUNT" - Ed) OR I'LL COME OUT THERE AND KICK SEVEN SHADES OF ("SPIT" - Ed) OUT OF YOU! I SAID WHAT'S THE-" (Carly Rivorrerer's voice finally shatters the glass, shards flying everywhere. The license man ducks to the ground.) "("SPIT" - Ed)!!!" "Phew. Well, now your challenge appears to be over, maybe I can get you to sign these official papers for the next year of quality television. Who knows, maybe David Blaine will perform another trick that you can try yourself?" "Oh, for ("trucks" - Ed) sake! CAPITAL F! EVERYONE IS AWFUL!" JOIN US NEXT TIME AS CARLY RIVORRERER TAKES ON SOMETHING ELSE The other Carly Rivorrerer |
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