They first wormed their way into the hearts of Americans playing the dual role of Michelle on ABC's craptacular sitcom, Full House. But the truth, as usual, is far darker than this. Much like Britney, the Olsen twins were created in an oat-powered lab. However, unlike Britney, the Olsens are digital, whereas she is analog. Their purpose is also much more sinister. Inside each twin is a secret clock, counting down to their 25th birthday. Once this timer reaches zero, the twins will unite a la Voltron and create one super deluxe ultra mega hyper Olsen, who will procede to enact oaty vengence upon the pizza eaters of this planet. Not even the fabulously homosexual Power Rangers could stop this menace.
So what option is left? Without the Power Rangers, our choices for defense are admittidly small. What about ALF, you ask? ALF can't even remember to put on a god damn pair of pants in the morning. Do you really think he could stop a super-mega-ultra-hyper-we-love-to-make-shitty-Playstation-video-games-and-now-we're-going-to-steal-your-pizza-Olsen? I think not. No, I'm afraid we must all pray to Papa John that a brave hero will appear to combat this oatish doppleganger threat.
There is one contingency plan currently being pursued, should the hero of the future plan fail miserably. The Laser Emitting Super Bionic Indigo Android Neo-Machine, or L.E.S.B.I.A.N. for short. If enough pizza lovers with a gift for science can work together, an army of L.E.S.B.I.A.N.s would be able to defeat the Olsen twins in battle, and rid us of their ABC Family sitcom forever.
