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FAQ |
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A lot of you have been asking questions. The same questions, over and over again. Some of them, like the ones relating to euclidean mathemtatics, I can answer. The other, more difficult ones, like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a '74 Datsun, shall forever remain unsolved.
The following are the most common questions I've received, and my most common answers for them. |
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Q: Why are you so obsessed with oats? |
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A: Who said anything about oats? If you look very carefully you'll see that I don't mention oats even once on this site. I'm obsessed with pizza. Especially MY pizza, and where the hell it keeps disappearing to. |
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Q: What do you have against Wilford Brimley? |
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A: The people who ask this of me are clearly under the influence of demonic oats. Wilford Brimley is evil incarnate, and is not to be taken lightly. You are at your own peril, as is your pizza, if you underestimate his powers. |
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Q: What's your favorite kind of pizza? |
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A: Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can compare to the majesty of a Papa John's pizza with pepperoni, sausage, and banana peppers. Stouffer's frozen french bread pizzas are a good second choice. |
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Q: Where does my/his/her/someone else's pizza keep disappearing to? |
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A: There's no easy answer to this one, I'm afraid. Try looking under the couch. If you don't find it there, the sad truth is that you have become yet another unwitting victim of the "The...". Not even a Joe Don Baker movie can instill the same level of fear and despair that this organization is capable of. So many innocents have been hurt. This madness must end now! |
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Q: I like to eat oats, but I also like pizza. Does this make me evil? |
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A: This is a common misconception. There's nothing inherintly wrong with oats. In fact, when eaten as part of this complete breakfast they can add plenty of nutrients to a growing person's body.
The real problem is that the fiendish members of the "The..." have decided that oats are the true path to glory, and have perverted their natural goodness for their own sick and twisted needs.
These are dangerous times we live in, though. If you choose to consume oats you run the risk of ingesting any of the numerous mind-altering substances that the chemists employed by the "The..." have secretly added to random oats. Your best bet would be to just avoid oats all together and protect your pizza until this situation can be resolved. |
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Q: I'm a gorgeous woman who agrees whole-heartedly with your movement. Can I be your girlfriend/sex slave? |
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A: This by far has to be the most commonly asked question I receive. And while I would love to accept all of you as my partners and lovers, I simply don't have the time anymore to engage in serious relationships. Combatting the nefarious schemes of Alex Trebek takes a lot of energy, so only the most special women can be the subject of my attentions.
If after all of this you still feel the need in your loins and your pituitary glands to get to know me better, all is not lost. Just submit a picture of yourself along with a short essay (500 word min, 750 word max) detailing why you are the one for me, and the various ways you would help me find my pizza and have really nasty sex at the same time.
Good luck! |
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