10,000 years ago, deep within the Sahara desert, ancient Egyptian priests conducted dark rituals in search of immortal powers. Sacrifices were made to their evil gods. Sacrifices of flesh and blood. And of junk food. These offerings were collected into a pan, and using secret deep frying techniques, cooked at around 345 to 360 degrees for 15 minutes. Little did they know what would result from this black experiment.
As the priests awaited a sacralicious meal, a humanoid form emerged from the grease and batter. Pure, evil hunger shone in its eyes, and it quickly began to devour the very people who had accidentally created him. From that point forth, the world would know no peace. For on that day, Joe Don Baker was born.
Joe Don has existed for almost the entire span of human history. As such, it was only a matter of time before he encountered Wilford Brimley. Wilford quickly recognized Joe Don's potential and recruited him for the "The...". Ever since, he has served as General of Wilford's oat-propelled forces.
The exact reason why Joe Don entered the movie industry is unclear. Intelligence reports speculate that it was due to the free catered buffets on hand at the movie sets, or perhaps because he was looking to fart in new parts of the world. Whatever the reason, he has been terrorizing the public for decades with his unique brand of pork-fried cinema. It is only by the pure grace of pizza that Pierce Brosnan has not been infected by his oaty rhetoric while filming GoldenEye and Tommorow Never Dies.
Many have attempted to engage Joe Don in combat. None have survived. Men have emptied entire boxes of Krispy Kremes at him. They've witnessed Joe Don's globular fat-folds swallow men whole. And his hunger continues to grow. Records have lost count of how many have fallen at his sausage-y fingers.
So, dear pizza lovers, I implore you. Hide your junk food. Hide your movies. And for god's sake, don't ever watch Mitchell or Final Justice. Your life depends on it.
