Most of the stories you've heard about Britney's past are actually elaborate cover stories fed to the media. Britney was not born in the deep south. She was bred and created in a top secret oat lab in the pacific northwest.
Wilford and his compatriots knew that the time would come when full scale war would unfold between those who had seen the light, and those who still clung to their pizzas like some kind of saucy, cheese-covered rosary beads. It was to this end that he used the finest hops and barley to create Britney Spears, the ultimate soldier in his army.
Bred to look like any other warm-blooded American until she hit puberty, Britney's mission was to gain the trust of average people with her glaringly white smile and innocent eyes.
At the age of 11 , Britney made a coccoon out of old Richard Marx CD's and molted into her current form: That of a sultry siren who's pop beats and plentiful bosom have hypnotized the public at large.
Listing all of the numrous hidden references to oats in her music would take far too much time, but just look at these pictures of her. SHE'S STRUNG OUT ON OATS!!! See, that's one thing that you probably never suspected about Ms. Spears. She was created to have an insatiable need to consume oats every 7 hours. If she doesn't tend to her needs, she starts to lose all control of her bodily functions...ranting and raving as though possessed by the very spirit of Vincent Price himself.
Like many of the members of the "The...", Britney has supernatural powers from her near 100% body content of oats. The most dangerous of these is her hypnotic chestal region. Bouncy, perky, and most of all lethal, Ms. Spears has used her fantastic boobies to distract many unsuspecting members of the forces opposing her oat-ish bretheren. While they're focused on her chest, Britney then does something truly inhuman. She sings one of her god awful songs, causing the pizza lover's head to explode from the sheer pain of it all.
Having sold millions upon millions of records, Britney's next conquest is to infiltrate the Lilith Fair and have really nasty lesbian sex with every single woman there, both on stage and in attendence. How does this fit into the larger oat picture? Only time will tell. Until then, we must videotape every possible second of her insane sexual exploits. Hopefully they will provide us with the clues we need to bring her horrendous sonic assault to an end once and for all.
