The Cast and Crew
Kagome (Snow White) - Kagome
Prince Charming - Inuyasha
The Evil Queen -Tsubaki
The Seven Shippous (dwarves) - Shippou
The Woodcutter - Miroku
The Mirror - Kikyou
Narrator - Myouga
Director - Piper
Special Guests - Sango
- Sesshoumaru
- Jaken
- Kouga
Act 1, scene 1
The main room of the castle
Myouga
Once upon a time there was a king and queen who had one daughter, the Princess Kagome. They lived very happily together until one day the queen decided to run off to Las Vegas with a used-car salesman�
Piper scrambles on stage
Piper
Hang on! That�s not how the story goes!
Myouga
But it�s so sad when the queen dies and stuff. This is supposed to be cheap comedy, not cheap tragedy.
Piper
So I�m broke, when is THAT a crime?
She walks off stage whilst mumbling
Myouga
So anyway, the queen ran off and in order to get his own back at her, the King married her Avon Lady, Tsubaki�
Enter Tsubaki holding a hand mirror
�who has a thing for mirrors.
Tsubaki
Well, with my looks, can anyone blame me?
Myouga ignores her
Myouga
She has a magic mirror that could talk and every day she would look into it and say...
Tsubaki
Psst, Kikyou,give me the winning lottery numbers.
Kikyou
What do you take me for? A psychic?
Tsubaki
Why you worthless piece of junk! Well then, at least tell me who is the fairest in the land.
Kikyou
Shoo, don�t bother me. Trust me you don�t want to know who is the fairest.
Tsubaki
Look! Do you want what happened to the Shikon no Tama to happen to you?
Kikyou
Well, if you really must know, Kagome is way prettier than you could ever hope to be, mainly because she�s my reincarnation, get my drift?
Tsubaki
What? How dare you imply that that brat is prettier than me, the Queen?!
Kikyou
That�s the answer to your question whether you like it or not!
Myouga
Well, that answer got Tsubaki so pissed off she decided to do away with the Princess Kagome. To do this she called in the best assassin in the land�
Enter Sesshoumaru and Jaken. Both are wearing dark sunglasses.
Sesshoumaru
Look, I�m a busy man so this had better be good.
Tsubaki
Oh it is! There�s this brat who I want to be rid off and if you can make it look like it was an accident, I�ll reward you well.
Sesshoumaru
Adjusts his sunglasses
Sorry sweetie, I don�t do that anymore. Messy work, killing is. And it costs a million just to clean the bloodstains off of my *ahem* yeah, I�m into acting now.
Tsubaki
What?! But I need you!
Sesshoumaru
Yeah? Well so do my fans.
Chorus of screaming fangirls can be heard offstage
If you ever have a movie you want me to star in, just give my agent a buzz. Tata!
Sesshoumaru is gone in a flash. Jaken runs over to Tsubaki, hands her a business card and then hurries after his master.
Tsubaki
Hey wait! You can�t do that! I�m the Queen! Oh shoot! Who else can I trust with such an important job?
Enter Miroku the Woodcutter.
But of course!
Holds out hands towards him.
Miroku! Just the person I want to see!
Miroku walks over to her, highly interested.
Miroku
This wouldn�t be about the child, would it? Hehehe.
Tsubaki
As the matter of fact, it is. How�d you guess?
Miroku clasps Tsubaki�s hands into his
Miroku
Your majesty, it�s all I think about night and day!
Tsubaki
Good! Then we�re of one mind. Do her in quickly and don�t make a mess, okay?
Miroku
Oka~ �Wha-wha-what! (like Kyle�s mum from South Park). What are you talking about?
Tsubaki
Why, the assassination of the Princess Kagome, of course. What did you think I was talking about?
Miroku
Nothing.
He lets go of her hands.
Tsubaki
Well, hurry up, will you? I can�t wait for her to die.
Miroku
But I�m just your woodcutter! If you want an assassin, get Sesshoumaru.
Tsubaki
I did, but he�s into acting now.
Miroku
smirking
Really? Sesshoumaru? Acting? Hehehehe. But really, this is not my line of work.
Tsubaki
Listen jerk! I�m the Queen around here and if I say you do something, you do it! Or else there�ll be no sick pay for you!
Miroku
But how?
Tsubaki
Oh, I don�t know! Take her into the forest or something and�and kill her there.
Miroku
Let me get this straight. You want me to take the young, BEAUTIFUL, and highly
MARRIAGEABLE Princess Kagome into the forest ALONE?
Tsubaki
Umm, yeah. Can you hack it?
Miroku
With pleasure!
He walks off stage and Tsubaki continues preening in front of her hand mirror
Curtains. End of scene 1
Act 1, scene 2
The middle of some forest
Enter Miroku and Kagome
Kagome
Hey, Miroku-sama, where are you taking me?
Miroku stops and looks around
Miroku
Here would do, I guess.
Kagome
Huh? Do what?
Miroku clasps Kagome�s hands
Miroku
Kagome-sama, will you bear my child?
Kagome
What? No!
Miroku
Shoot! And you are such a nice kid too. Oh well, guess I�ll have to kill you now.
Kagome
What? Why do you have to kill me?
Miroku
The Queen has it in for you, now prepare to die!
He raises his staff, ready to strike
Kagome
Teary-eyed
My mother has it in for me?
Miroku
No, the other Queen.
Raises his staff again
Kagome
Oh, the OTHER queen, hehehe, for a minute there I thought you meant my mother.
She starts to giggle. Miroku joins her and both are laughing loudly. Then it dawns on Kagome that she is still in deep shit. She stops giggling abruptly.
My stepmother wants me dead?
Miroku
Yeah, now brace yourself and stop running away from my axe!
Kagome
That�s not an axe, it�s your staff!
Miroku
Not my fault that this production is underfunded.
Piper
Shouting from offstage
It isn�t a crime to be poor! Get off my back! Dammit!
Miroku
Under his breath so Piper can�t hear
Easy for her to say. She has absolutely no idea how hard it is to cut wood with a staff.
Kagome
Umm, Miroku-sama, I get that bit about my stepmother wanting to kill me and all, but, what does that have to do with bearing your child?
Miroku
Nothing, really. Just that I need an heir and if you agree, maybe I can compromise like say, not kill you but tell the Queen that I did.
Kagome
Can�t you do that anyway?
Miroku
Nope, sorry, gotta follow the Queen�s orders or else I don�t get sick pay. Now die!
Kagome
Dodges his strike
Hang on! I have a great idea! How about I introduce you to a friend of mine from boarding school?
Miroku
Lowers his staff
Hmm, if she�s female and good-looking, sounds fine to me.
Kagome
Great, I�ll call her right now!
She whips out a phone from lord knows and dials a number
Hello? Sango-chan? Yeah, long time no see. Mmm hmm, mmm hmm, yeah I�m fine. Hey, Sango-chan, there�s this Miroku guy I want you to meet and he�s very interested in you-know-what.
Miroku
You bet I am!
Kagome
You�ll come! That�s great! We�re in the middle of some forest right now. Okay! Seeya!
She hangs up and turns to Miroku.
She�s coming.
Miroku
Good! Like I always say, you�re a nice kid!
A taxi arrives and Sango steps out holding a briefcase
Kagome
Sango-chan! That was fast! Sango-chan, this is Miroku, the guy I was telling you about. Miroku-sama, can I go now?
Miroku has eyes only for Sango. He clasps her hands
Miroku
Yeah, yeah, run along.
Kagome skips happily offstage
Shall we get started then?
Sango
Let�s.
She shakes her hands free and takes out some documents from the briefcase.
So, who�ll the beneficiaries be?
Miroku
Totally and utterly confused
Bene-what?
Sango
Beneficiaries. You know, people who you want to have the money. Is that an air-rip? Will it shorten your lifespan? You do realize that you�ll have to pay extra because of it, don�t you?
Miroku
I�m afraid I still don�t follow.
Sango
Let me make this easier for you then. Who do you want the money for when you die? Family members?
Miroku
Nope, no family members.
Sango
Okay then, how about friends?
Miroku
Not much of those either.
Sango
What? Then what the hell do you want life insurance for?
Miroku
Wha-wha-what! I never said I wanted life insurance?
Sango
But Kagome-chan said you were interested!
Miroku
Yeah, but in se~�nothing.
He turns around and crouches down. It is obvious that he is very depressed. Suddenly he has an idea.
Hey, how about you bear my child and I make you my beneficiary?
Sango
Err, no.
Miroku
Come on! It�ll only be nine months work and I promise I�ll buy a lot of life insurance so you�ll be filthy rich when I die.
Sango
I said no!
Miroku
Why not?
Sango
I SAID NO!
She storms off stage, extremely pissed, Miroku follows her
Miroku�s voice
Come on! Why not?
Sango�s voice
No means NO!
Shippou runs on stage
Shippou
That�s all folks! Stay tune for Act 2!
Piper
Hey! You get down from there, Fox! You�re not supposed to be in this Act!
She chases Shippou off stage.
Curtains. End of Act 1
Onwards to Act 2
Disclaimer: I don�t own anyone nor anything from here, except myself. Don�t sue me, unless you have a great liking for cockcroaches because that�s all you�ll get.