| Quotes |
| Never pass up an opportunity to pee. |
| Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis. |
| A woman needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. |
| Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. |
| If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"? |
| If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. |
| Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak? |
| How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? |
| "The modern business meeting ... might be better compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be elsewhere." - Dave Barry |
| "One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, Didn't you see the stop sign. I said, Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." - Steven Wright |
| "The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Near East and the Far East from encroaching on each other." - Dan Quayle |
| "A big problem is that men and women often do not agree on what is boring. Men can devote an entire working week to discussing a single pass-interference penalty; women find this boring, yet can be fascinated by a four-hour movie with subtitles wherein the entire plot consist of a man and a woman yearning to have, but never actually having, a relationship. Men hate that. Men can take maybe 45 seconds of yearning, and then they want everybody to get naked. Followed by a car chase. A movie called 'Naked People in Car Chases' would do really well among men." - Dave Barry |
| "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses) |
| "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead) |
| "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State) |
| "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by abee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather (News anchorman) |
| "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger |
| You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. |
| When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle..." |