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| EPISODE ONE: STAFF DEVELOPMENT |
| A man (Mr Lewis) in a long raincoat and hat, carrying a briefcase walks onto a station platform. It is night time and is raining hard. The man walks along the platform, and as he does, passes some toilets. The whole thing has the feel of a film trailer, dark, atmospheric music plays. VOICE OVER (deep voice) Nothing could prepare this man for what he was about to see� The first door has a sign above it saying �Men�, the second �Women�. As he walks, he lights up a cigarette. VOICE OVER (deep voice) Nothing could prepare this man for the terror he was about to feel, the horror that would shake him to his very core� He passes another toilet door which says �Both�. He stops and looks at the door, shakes his head and carries on. A fourth door is passed, this time with a sign saying �Neither� above it. Mr Lewis stops dead, and camera pans into reveal the door is not quite closed. He walks up to the crack of the door and squints through it. The camera cuts to the other side of the door, and we see his face drop in amazement and horror. The cigarette drops out of his mouth, and his eyes open wide in terror. VOICE OVER (deep voice) For this man had just discovered� The voice becomes light and jolly. �the trains were on time! A camera located behind the man advances forward, bursting into the �Neither� toilets, to reveal a huge screen with the words �ALL SERVICES RUNNING NORMALLY�. Sly and The Family Stone �Celebration� comes on the soundtrack. From the cubicles, scantily clad go-go dancers appear, and bustle Mr Lewis back onto the platform. People crowd around him screaming in delight and let off party poppers. Mr Lewis shrugs his way through the crowd to the door marked �Men�, and goes in. He emerges in a dentist�s surgery reception. A female assistant (Miss Hargreaves) sits behind the desk cleaning a bicycle. A sign on the desk reads �J. Nance (Occasional) Dentist and Part Time Tattooist.� Heavy rock music plays in the background, and the feint sound of drilling can be heard from the next room. Miss Hargreaves, sat behind the counter, continues polishing her bike. Mr Lewis coughs politely, but the receptionist either ignores him or doesn�t hear. Mr Lewis reaches for the bell on the desk and rings it a few times. By chance, Miss Hargreaves looks up and sees Mr Lewis. She takes a pair of earplugs out and puts on a professional smile. Throughout the following conversation, the sounds of drilling and whimpers/screams of pain grow louder. MISS HARGREAVES Can I help you? MR LEWIS Yes, I�ve got an appointment. MISS HARGREAVES You�ve got me some ointment? Well, we�ve already got some here at the surgery. Mr Nance has some in� MR LEWIS No, no, you�re getting confused. I�m here to see the dentist. MISS HARGREAVES Ventriloquist? I�m afraid you�ve got the wrong building, the library�s down the road, second right � MR LEWIS Library? But I�ve come to have a tooth taken out! MISS HARGREAVES Well, you won�t get it done there, they�ve give you a book but they can�t take teeth out! You need certificates to do that! MR LEWIS Well, is this the dentist�s? From the surgery the sound of drilling reaches a crescendo, and there is a blood-curdling scream, followed by silence. The rock music ceases to play also. MISS HARGREAVES (trying to sound cheerful) We like to think so. At this point, the intercom comes on from the surgery, and there is a whine of feedback. Both Miss Hargreaves and Mr Lewis cringe with pain. The feedback dies down, and a fevered voice emerges through the din. MR NANCE (screaming) Oh my God! My God! Miss�miss� MISS HARGREAVES (soothingly) Miss Hargreaves, doctor. MR NANCE (still panicking) Er, yes, Miss Hargreaves, get a mop�no�on second thoughts, get a bucket of water, oh my God, get�get�get a body-bag or something, quickly! MISS HARGREAVES Right away doctor. Miss Hargreaves picks up a phone on the desk. MISS HARGREAVES Trevor? Yeah, we need another one. No, I think he was just practising�it didn�t sound too good. Oh, and bring a mop, I think he made quite a mess. She replaces the phone. MR LEWIS What was that all about? What�s he done? MISS HARGREAVES Oh, he�s just been perfecting his drilling technique. MR LEWIS But, why did he want a body-bag? MISS HARGREAVES Oh, I�m sure it�s nothing too serious. |
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