| Dept. for Housing |
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| The Pool Duck Serpant's No. 1 Fan AT HOME WITH COL. O'PHILE Pink Khaki visits Col. Mac O'Phile's hide-out! |
| After our visit at Dr. Sulkson's artefact-filled country home (see last issue), we've been very curious to see what the place PK-14's fearless leader Colonel Mac O'Phile calls home. Would it be a little log cabin in the woods? A president-suite with whirl pool? A spaceous home outside of Colorado Springs? Wrong, wrong, and very wrong. "Mac", as his friends call him, lives in a rented three-bedroom-flat, both bathroom and kitchen have pink tiles. But this we only got to see later, first we have to ring 6 times before we hear the colonel holler from inside he'd be at the time any second, and if we now please could stop ringing like idiots. We hear the sound of at least 7 locks being unlocked, and then we stand in front of legendary Colonel O'Phile - face still half covered in shaving foam. "You're 5 minutes early!" he barks, then he's turning around and heads off back to the bathroom, muttering something we take as an invitation to enter. |
| We mention the many locks on his door and wonder if he's expecting some hostile visitors. O'Phile laughs, and gives us a cheeky grin. "That's all your fault! You made me pose dressed in nothing but tinsel for your Christmas issue, and ever since then, I didn't have a quiet minute in here! Last week, one woman got stuck in my chimney while trying to get into my living room at 1am. It took quite something to keep Major Smarter away from lighting a fire." We discreetly avoid the question what Major Smarter was doing at 1am in the colonel's living room. "She was the one who finagled all the locks. What with safety reasons and everything." We express our admiration for Major Smarter's effectiveness. He takes another sip of his tea, and a dreamy smile crosses his face. |
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| Col. Mac O'Phile in his kitchen picture taken by The Doc |
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| The Doc in Col. Mac O'Phile's living room picture taken by Mac O'Phile |
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| Pixie - "cats are my favourit dogs", says Colonel O'Phile |
| 5 minutes later, he's back with us, freshly shaved and in a slightly better mood. "Sorry for being a bit grumpy, we only got back from a stinker of a mission yesterday, and I didn't get much sleep. Sil'k stumbled over a skunk, and then things went downhills ... you want tea?" he asks, and heads off to the kitchen without waiting for an answer. This gives us some time to have a look around the living room. Hockey memorabilia, family pictures, trophies and, to our big surprise, an easel. O'Phile returns, balancing three mugs and a bottle of milk in his hands. He swipes off the newspapers from the table with his elbow, puts everything down and offers us a seat. "Would you like some cushions to sit on?" he asks the Doc, who's at eye-level with the table plate. "Or if you wait a second, I could go and find an apple crate for you to sit on ..." One look at Doc's face makes sure he's changing the subject quickly, offering us some cookies. "Maybe some SHORTbread for you?" Soon all three of us are engaged in a lively conversation. O'Phile tells us that his name "Mac" was the shortform of "Magnus", which used to be the name of his late grandfather, who'd emigrated to the USA from Sweden. "But in my heart, I'm Irish", he states, and gives us a quick smile. "I grew up in a small town, everybody knew everybody, and we've all been one big family." He points at the hockey team shirt hanging behind him on a line. "I still support our local team, the St. Olaf Pool Duck Serpants", he states, "actually all the family does. My aunt Rose is chairwoman of the fan club." So, does he still find the time to play or watch his favourit sport, despite his busy schedule? O'Phile sighs. "No, not really. That's also the reason why I stay in this flat here - it makes no sense to have your own house when you're never home, anyway." |
| "Oh yes ... she's quite something ..." He coughs. We sit for a while in silence, then our cartoonist can't hold back, and asks for the painting standing on the easel. "I didn't know you can paint", he says, and gets up to have a closer look at the painting. O'Phile cocks an eyebrow. "Oh, I can't. But I do it, anyway." He pauses, then adds: "I find it very relaxing. You know, sometimes, after a mission, I had problems to wind down. Dr. Sulkson suggested chess, but I fell asleep over the board. Which was, in a way, 'winding down', but yeah well. Si'lk's meditation techniques involve standing on your head for three hours while simultaneously rubbing your belly and singing "row your boat", which gave me headaches and my nose started bleeding, and I won't even start about Major Smarter's attempts to get me signed up for a knitting course." Our cartoonists drops on the sofa, and at the same moment, a horrible scream is heard - "Jeezez! You sat on Pixie!" O'Phile shouts, and pushes our shocked cartoonist aside. Under the sofa cushions, we see the head of a pretty well-nourished cat peak up. When she realizes we've noticed her, she weasles under the sofa. O'Phile kneels down, and starts cooing and purring. "Pixie- pixie- pixie ... now where is my beautiful girl ... come out sweetheart, it's meee heee!" Nothing but hissing from under the sofa. "Pixie darling, beauty queen ... now stop being silly ... hooochy hoooochy coooochy coooo!" Hissing, distinct sound of tearing fabric. The colonel sighs, and gets up again. While he dusts off his sweat pants, we ask about the cat - we thought he was a dog-person? "I love dogs. I really do. But when I was a child, everybody laughed about me when I walked my pet chihuahua in the park, so ... this traumatic experience has put me off of dogs. This cat here is one of Dr. Sulkson's. He collects them. He takes every four pawed flea transporter with him that happens to cross his way and looks homeless. And he doesn't stop at cats ... have you seen his pet python? He found it one rainy night in his backyard and kept it!" So - what is it like to be the leader of PK-14? O'Phile shruggs. "You know, it's routine. Gate out, kick some alien butts, get some samples, gate back in - same old, same old. It's nothing special. It's rare you get stranded on a lovely planet with long, white beaches and beautiful women ... and even then somebody has to ruin the fun and contaminate us with some strange virus ... like the time on PK141010 when we all aged 50 years in one day - see this?" He points at a scar which parts his left eyebrow. "That's where Sulkson hit me with his zimmerframe! I mean - hello? At last Major Smarter was kind enough to share the dentures ..." Talking about women - rumours go the the colonel is very well liked with the ladies? O'Phile snorts. "Now who told you that - you know, it's kind of difficult to make friendly with the ladies when your 2IC has a P-90 in her stocking!" That's the moment when the phone rings. O'Phile can't find it, curses and finally follows the cable from the socket in the wall to the garbage can, where he finally finds the phone under two empty pizza boxes. "Yeah?" he barks. "Yeah ... yeah ... understood ... I'll be there in ... wait a second ..." He covers the receiver with his hand, and barks: "Thanks, was nice talking to you guys, see you soon, ya gotta leave now, top secret, you understand, if you stay here and hear something, I gotta shoot you and everything ..." We quickly make our good-byes, and are out of the door within seconds. But make no mistake, Colonel - we'll be back! |