Nar: The world has changed.
I feel it in the waters.
I feel it in my briefs.
I smell it in my bikini bottoms.
Much that once was, is lost. For now none live who remember it *except me cuz I'm telling the story*.

It began with the forging of the great bikinis. 3 were given to the comedians, the little balds ones especially. 7 to the gogo girls, the hipest thing alive. And 9. 9 were given to the idiots of the world *except for Elijah Wood*, men. For within these bikinis was bound the strength to show off all skin possible. But they were decieved. For another bikini was made.

In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Booger, the dark lord Bikini forged in secret a master itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini to control all the others. And into this bikini he poured his bikinis, one piece suits, and his will to spread bikini wisdom to all. One itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini to rule them all.

One by one, free lands in Soreass fell to the power of the itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini. But there were some that resisted and others that bought their own replica itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini to the bikini convention in city hall. A last alliance of men and comedians marched against the armies of Mordor. And on the slopes of Mount Booger, they fought for the freedom of bikinis for Soreass.

Elrond: Hold your positions or wear a bikini! Fire the water balloons!

Nar: Victory was near. But the power of the itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini could not be untied for private parts would be shown and we are out of those censor bars, drat.

It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword. Bikini, the enemy of the free people of Soreass, was done for. His bikini strap came apart and down it fell. Luckily we found one last censor. Mwahaha. The itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil bikinis forever and longer, but the hearts of men are easily corrupted, and the itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini of power has a mind of its own. It betrayed Isildur to his doom, doom, doom. *that was supposed to be an echo effect*

And some things that should not have been forgotten were not forgotten at all, and yet things that were forgotten never were really forgotten and unforgotten things never really happened. History became the present; the present became really real, and really real became almost fantasy for really real stuff. And for a zillion and one years the itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini passed out of all bikininess. Until, when chance came, it encountered a new wearer to wear it.

Gollum: My preciousss itsssy bitssssy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.

Nar: The itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini came to the creature Gollum who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there he wore it for ages and grew into it. It became tight, but he wore it anyway. Sure he couldn't feel his body from loss of blood circulation, but the bikini could not be taken off.

Gollum: It came to me. My own, my love, my own, my preciousss. Gollum...

Nar: The itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini brought to Gollum unnatural long life because the bikini loved Gollum and felt it owned him the gratitude for dealing with it's b.s. for all this time. For five billion zillion gajillion years it gave him a wedgie which he could not pick. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave it wore him till the end. Darkness crept back in the forest of the world. Bikinis were flying everywhere.

Rumour grew of a shadow in the sky flying high, whispers of a nameless endless fear of people. And the itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini of power perceived it's time had now come. It fell off of Gollum and he scrambled to cover himself. He couldn't. Luckily he has no private parts. But that's not the point. Something happened then, that the itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini did not intend. It was worn by the most unlikely thing in the wwwwwwwwhhhhhoooooolllllleeeeee wide world.

Bilbo: What's this? It looks like an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini of some sort...maybe...I should...wear it...*being seduced by the bikini*

Nar: A clown. Bilbo Flaggins of the Marsh.

Gollum: Lossssst! My Precioussssss is losssssssst!!!

Nar: For the time would soon come when clowns would shape the fortune of all. They alone could defeat the power of the itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.

Retrace your steps