Ok, this is my crappy-ass parody of Lord of the Rings. As we all know, nothing starts out bad. Here is the story of Sauron, and you'll soon understand that underneath that evil, I-want-the-world-to-be-a-reflection-of-hell attitude, there's just an insecure little man with low self esteem. Enjoy! -Digi

I amar prestar aen. The world is changed. han mathon ne nen. I feel it in the waters. han mathon ne chae. I feel it in the earth. a han noston ned gwilith. I see it-ok, OKAY, you get it. The world is changed. Time for my story.

Sauron looked about Middle Earth. His great eye rolled, and its gaze shifted, and his spies walked about the lands. His will was bent upon recovering that which had been taken from him, to claim the power that he had before come so close to. Suddenly, as though roused out of deep thought, the dark lord stirred. He had heard something coming up the endless stair of his fortress. He braced himself, and this is what he heard. "SAURON!!!! I WILL FIND YOU, YOU COWARD!!". He looked around for somehow to get away, but it was useless. She was coming.

A woman reached the top of the stairs and her voice was harsh and cold. "Sauron. Why do you hide from me?". "I, I-" Sauron began to stutter. Then, in a desperate attempt, he hurled himself to the floor and groveled at her feet. The woman opened her lips, and slowly formed the words-"Take. Out. The trash."

Sauron stood. He drew himself to his full, terrifying height and towered over the woman. "No! Not again. I will not take this any longer. I am the Dark Lord of mordor, not your slave, you, you-wench!!". Her eyes flashed. "Do as I say! Now!" Sauron did not believe this defiance. "I have a war to put together! I've been degraded to a firey eyeball! I'm disem-fucking-bodied! TRASH IS NOT MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY RIGHT NOW!!!". She did not change her rock-hard stare. Sauron threw his arms down and stood there looking expasperated. The woman handed him a trash bag, and he trudged downstairs in defeat.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch, it's all she does anymore." Sauron said to himself. "It's never, Sauron, your so sexy when you make countless armies to fight for me. It's always-you never take me out anymore! You never murder virgins for me anymore! You never make evil rings of power for me anymore!". Sauron absent-mindedly knocked the head off of a passing orc and watched it tumble downstairs. "You know, I never wanted to be evil. But she had to go and tell me how cool it was that her stupid ex boyfriend Morgath was going to steal the Silmarils and set himself on the dark throne, and how I would never have the guts to bring despair to all the free peoples of Middle Earth, blah blah blah...". Sauron tossed the trash into the dumpster and sighed. If only he had gotten with that Galadriel chick.

Chapter 2: Coming...whenever I feel like it! IF I ever feel like it. (Feedback? Ideas? Questions? Send to [email protected])

Retrace your steps