So much to say, I don't think I can fit it all on paper. There's a lot to take in all at once, and it was hard enough. Everything started out fine over the summer. In the first month, I was hired as a "sandwhich artist." I made $5.15 an hour to start out with. I was hanging out with friends, some not worth mentioning, and I was getting out and doing things. I don't know exactly when things got bad. I know most of it started after we (Debbie, Matt, and I) met Nik at a mutual friend's house. It didn't seem like befriending Nik would have such a negative impact a the time. Shortly thereafter, Matt was going out with my friend Tonia, one of my closest friends. He kissed Debbie, another close friend, while he was going out with her. I stuck between telling and betraying Debbie, or not telling and betraying Tonia. Matt apologized sincerely for getting me in the middle of it, but this is the same guy who beat the crap out of me more then once, so there's a lot to be said about him. Debbie and I eventually told Tonia at one of Debbie's parties. A few days after her party, my uncle died. That was the hardest week of my life, because my Uncle Tim was like a big brother to me. It's still hard, but the first week was the absolute worst. He saw it coming though...I guess we all did. He had been suffereing from a relapse of terminal cancer since March of 2000, and given 6 months. He wasn't himself those months, and maybe that made it harder. After his death, I turned to Matt for support, and I wanted him to take my shift at Subway. Atleast he took my shift. He also told me he cheated on Tonia, agian, and he was dumping her to go out with Amy. I didn't like her before, but now I really hated her. What's there to say to about the funeral?
School started two short weeks later. My friendship with Matt ended, because he was too cool to talk to me at school. We were in "high school" now. After some harsh words exchanged between us, we stopped speaking to eachother. Big deal, Matt wasn't much of a friend anyway. With homecoming less then a month away, I had other things to worry about. My. caring as they may be, friends asked Rob to go to the dance with me. I didn't want him to say no, so out of fear I told him they we just being stupid and not to listen to them. In the long run, that screwed me over. When I decided I did want to ask him, he took it as a joke, and said no. I'm not sure if he would have even said yes anyway. Homecoming night was a disaster, to say the least. Not only did Rob say no to dance with me (ooh, heart breaker!) but he changed his mind. I still think Melissa threatened him into it. So I made a scene, and refused. He held his hand out to me...I would love to say this is the part when I took it and we danced, and we were together all night, but no...I finally got over myself, got up with out his help, was really uncomfortable (tears streaming down my face and everything) and the song ended. (Ouch! shot to both egos.) I was about to say something to him, but some girl named Kelly Vaughn got right between us and started flirting with him. The rest of the night was tears for most of us. Melissa and Matt were having a lover's quarrel. By this time Matt had dumped Amy for Leann, and was sweet talking to Melissa, whom he's had a relationship with before and she wanted one agian. After the dance, I wrote a not to Rob about how I felt. BIG MISTAKE. He completely shut me out. I thought Rob and my's friendship was strong enough to get through that. Now I doubt whether Rob and I had a friendship at all. While Rob was ignoring me, I started talking to Nik. Nik and Rob are really tight, so Nik knew most of what went down, but I filled in the missing details. Nik and I got close, and at the same time, Rob was calling me a dirty slut (among other things). Sounds like jealousy to me, and the most I ever did with Nik was hold his hand, and that was way back in August. It was October now. Everything was pretty calm. I turned 15 in the middle of November, and things started to rise up agian. Somewhere in there, Matt resurfaced, and we were speaking but not nicely.
Nik was suddenly a jerk, and he was always too busy to talk to me. Rob was still calling me a "slut" and a "whore" but I learned to deal. I started talking to my cousin Megan, agian. She lives in Illinios, and I haven't seen nor spoken to her in two years. Meanwhile, Matt cheated on Melissa with Liz, cheated on Liz with Kara, and Kara is his new and serious girlfriend. By December, they were on their third month. Debbie also got a boyfriend, and by December, they were on thier first month. I started talking to this guy online, Jadus(real nam Matt), and he helps me understand myself better. Then Christmas rolls around and my uncle is still dead. Not a fun holiday. I get back to school, and I'm still a slut, according to Rob. And everything is an argument with him. Jadus is my favortie person to talk to, because he seems like the only one interested in my petty problems. I guess things are okay, if Freshman year is almost over and I'm still surviving it. Essentially, I veiw my life as one huge nightmare I have yet to wake up from. I guess it's not so bad, but nothing seems to work out anyway. I keep asking myself what the big deal is, it's high school, things like this always happen. True, but why does stuff like this have to happen to me all in one year? In the long run, everything will be okay, if I can get that AK47 for Easter. No, I'd never do that. Honestly, things seem to be a lot to handle, and it's not so fun flying solo. Jadus told me I need someone to love me and to stick up for me, and I need to love like I've never loved before. I can handle myself. I think I need to learn to love myself before I can let someone else love me. |
