Trevor wanted for police questioning after opening major can on rivals

A weekend of serious butt-kickings in Wilmington, Carol Stream and Lombard has suburban Chicago police in search of a stolen tool that may be the cause of all three nasty beatings. The valuable item taken by thieves is a gold-handled, heavy-duty can opener. Authorities said it's capable of unleashing dangerous amounts of power — otherwise known as cans of whoop-ass — on its unsuspecting victims.

"You certainly don't want to be an opponent when one of those cans is cracked open," a police detective said.

Wilmington head football coach Jeff Reents is the owner of the treasured can opener, reported stolen Friday night at halftime of the Wildcats game against Westmont. The can opener was a gift from his father years ago, and Reents has used it season after season to open large cans of hurt on other high school football teams.

With Wilmington and Westmont locked in a scoreless tie after the first quarter, Reents pulled out his magical gadget and put it to use. Wilmington exploded for 40 points in the second quarter and led by that huge margin at halftime. "I opened an extra-large can that time because I was really frustrated when Westmont thought they could play with us," Reents said. "Not in our house."

But the can opener mysteriously disappeared at halftime and has not been seen since. Was it swiped by a fan who carried it to Carol Stream? Evidence indicates just that. A van in the 2009 Carol Stream Treasure Hunt on Saturday — the same van spotted at Wilmington football games — happened to unleash a similar can of whoop-ass on its competition that night. A record-setting average of 14 minutes per site (or 13 minutes without the 15-minute delay at the start) put the group of Blaine, QT, Rob, Jess, Cheryl and Jim into first place and secured the $180 cash prize. The last van showed up at the restaurant 100 minutes later.

Then the stolen instrument allegedly made it into the hands of another family member, who opened a mammoth can of whoop-ass on his rivals in the Sunday Football Picks. Trevor coasted in Week 2 with a 10-5 record, crushing his opponents by a combined 24 games and snatching sole possession of first place. It was one of the most dominant weeks in league history.

"We're currently looking for that boy, and hope to recover the powerful can opener," the detective said. "We do believe he's in possession of it. Trevor's mom told us that his success with football predictions is a result of him majoring in NFL Analysis in middle school, but that sounds preposterous. Can you even major in something in middle school?"