Rebekah 201: Useless Stuff
Poetry
Photographs
Roy: November 2004 (II)
Song: Across the Universe - Rufus Wainwright
Experiment failed. I cannot pretend to be anything else, even for a short period of time. I am what I am. In this sense, I enjoy being at home more than school. I can be myself and know that I am accepted. Aside from this matter, it seems that when I don't try I have the greatest success. I can't not try for the rest of my life just to be successful. It's not in my nature. This is too complicated. Oh yeah, and I did lose in ping-pong.
11/29/04
Song: Landslide - Dixie Chicks
Today is experiment day. I haven't had a chance to put it into action yet. Meaning, as of right now, I am my usual anti-social self. Guess what question I hate..."What are you thinking?" That's what so great about guy friends. I can't ever remember one of them asking me that. If I wanted someone to know what I was thinking, I would say it. Obviously.
11/27/04
Song - When I Fall - Rachael Lampa
*Cough* *Cough* Yes, I am sick. And no matter what my grandmother says, I am NOT putting turpentine on my feet. Cough syrup is more reasonable...and more medically sound. Anyhoo, I've been working on a jigsaw puzzle today. In fact, I will probably return to working on it once I finish typing this. Which reminds me...I'm suppose to be doing research on some stock. 8% of my grade. I need an A.
11/25/04
Song: ?
Happy Thanksgiving! Yeah, I woke up with a cold. But nevertheless, "Happy Thanksgiving!" The food was very good. Next week, I'm going to see what it's like to be a dead fish. Not to swim upstream. It's only for an experiment, of course. I won't do anything drastic. Well, I'd rather not even go a whole week like that...I'll just try for a day. I'm going to have to cut out sarcasm and smart-aleck remarks. I'm going to have to let the guy win if I play ping-pong. Basically, I'm going to have to make polite small talk, avoid staring into space, and smile constantly. Oh boy...that's gonna be hard. No, I'm not normally mean. I just act this way when I'm around guys I'm interested in. Backwards, huh? But like I said, this is just an experiment. If a guy doesn't like me for who I am in the first place, I'm not about to conform just so he would like me. That's stupid. It would only create unhappiness in the long run.
11/23/04
Song: Touch of Faith - Joy Williams
No music lesson today. It gives me a little extra time to study. I wish I wasn't so rushed. I'll remember not to get a class so late next time. Joy. It's raining again. I do not look forward to the drive home. Dark and rainy...not a good thing.
11/22/04
Song: Days Go By - Keith Urban
Someone told me something on Friday that had never occurred to me before. "Friendly people don't necessarily have a social life." Okay, that probably doesn't matter much to you, but it helps my perspective a lot. I'm tired of blaming my lack of social life on my natural shyness/unfriendliness. I am jealous of likeable people. There, I admitted it. That is definitely one of my bad characteristics. Yeah...I need to work on that. * * * 10:13pm. I always seem to be depressed when I come back on Monday nights. I'm really tired of feeling this way. I may have acted more outgoing tonight, but it's all just a front. I'm afraid that they don't like me. I'm like an intruder. I can't stay out past ten, I don't watch PG movies, I like cartoons, and I was born in 1985. Socially, that is like a suicide combination. Sigh...I guess I have the whole night to feel sorry for myself. I won't take up any more of your time.
11/21/04
Song: This Love - Maroon5 (again)
My mom is watching a movie where the main character's name is Rebekah (or Rebecca, whatever). It's very annoying to hear my name a lot. Back to school tomorrow. I don't know what to do...my family is concerned about me because I hang out with a group that has slightly different beliefs than us. The belief being the issue of Sunday School/Bible classes. They think I'm going to go against my beliefs. I don't plan to, if that's any consolation. But to make my family happy, I would have to drop all my friends. Aside from that main issue, they all are basically like me. I think it might actually affect my religion more negatively if I isolated myself.
11/20/04
Song: This Love - Maroon5
Remember my former opinion of football? Well, it changed. It's actually quite entertaining. Aside from that, everything is the same. I'm still alone. The world is still corrupted.
11/19/04
Song: I Was Meant For You - Jewel
I got to sleep late today. 6:40. But then a horrible loud beeping sound woke me up. I have a test in 45 minutes. Luckily it's an easy class. I have to work more in it than other classes, but the concepts are easy. We just happen to get a lot of worksheets that take a while to do. The semester is almost over. Kind of sad, isn't it? It didn't turn out the way I thought it would, obviously. Actually, almost nothing turns out the way I think it would. * * *12:27pm. That was a HORRIBLE test. Oh, I'm not worried about the grade. But there was this one question that said "There was an error in Bach's part writing. What is it and where is it?" I sat there for maybe twenty minutes just staring at that thing. I finally left it blank.
11/18/04
Song: Tennessee Waltz - Patti Page
I believe I'm coming down with a cold. Not good. It happens about twice a year anyway and I suppose it's time. Thanksgiving is next week! Yay! I might also get to work an extra day! Yay! Then I get to study for my finals! Yay! Can't you just feel the joy? Anyhoo...I finished reading The Scarlet Letter. One less classic to read. It's too bad, because I actually enjoyed that one. Social commentary makes up the best works. It's often disguised as fiction.
11/17/04
Song: Concerto No. 1 - First Movement - Beethoven
"and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." - Ecclesiates 1:18. I wonder if this may be my problem. I am not making a statement about intelligence, please understand that. I am just saying that the more I read and the more lectures I hear, my life seems increasingly useless. Well, not life exactly. I'm really talking about me as an individual. Why does it matter what kind of grades I get or how I look or how many people I can call my friends? Why does it matter what degree I get or if I even get one at all? Why do my thoughts matter at all? Why do I bother to think?* * * 4:55pm. Arg. I'm doing it again. Playing too much of a mother-figure. I can't help it. I try to look out for other people. But my advice is probably not wanted...so I just need to shut up. I'm having to deal with my younger brother attempting to be a father-figure. I guess this is my reaction. I'm just saying that when someone younger than me is trying to give me a curfew, something is wrong. What does he expect me to do? Sit in this room with no contact with the outside world? Hello...that is part of the reason of my depression. Involuntary isolation is bad enough.