Rebekah 201: Useless Stuff
Photographs
Poetry
Roy: November 2004 (Part 1)
Song - Never Alone - Barlowgirl
It just about drives me crazy to have to sit in a room with a piano that I can't play. Somehow I survived. I just stared at the floor a lot. Last night was interesting, I admit. Not for me as a person, but for me as a spectator. Two unexpected people showed up and turned everything upside down. I didn't know either of them personally, but I'd heard enough about them to know that they would make several people act differently, which they did. Oh yeah, I forgot that yesterday was also a landmark: I ate a salad. Be happy. It's not easy to get me to eat vegetables. * * * 3:13pm. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I said I know why I'm unhappy, but even if I obtained what I want I'm not sure it would necessarily make me happy. I just feel like I'm out of it. A lot of it is my fault. I will admit that. I make my own rules in a sense. They are quite strict. It's like I've backed myself into a corner. The worse thing about it is that it won't get better.
11/15/04
Song: Gone -Tobymac
I finally put some emotion into my music. It actually sounded better. I don't feel like playing anything light-hearted, so I brought back Liebestraum and the Nocturne. That Ravel is beautiful too. I'm starting to wonder if music really is my calling. The only thing that holds me back is my logic. What on earth would I do with a music major? I'm not going to teach. You can't make me! (Ok, that was childish.) Professional pianists are not guaranteed a job. It's a very iffy field. Besides, I'm not good enough to be a professional anyway. * * *4:34pm. Messenger hates me. It must. It keeps kicking me off. I think it's the connection more than Messenger, though. It works fine when I'm at home. But here, it randomly kicks me off and won't let me sign on again until the next day. So frustrating!
11/14/04
Song: Concerto No. 1, Third Movement - Beethoven
I've been quite irritable today. I was accused of being too truthful today. Well, guess what. Sometimes the truth hurts. I probably should have just smiled instead of answering the question. My brother has a Star Wars tape in right now. I miss Star Wars. Some people just aren't very sensitive.
11/13/04
Song: All I Need - Bethany Dillon
I've recently started getting a Christian magazine. It's actually very good. It's something different than the other guidebooks of conformity/non-conformity (same thing nowadays) that are out there. Yesterday I was talking to my mom and I mentioned that one of my friends wasn't happy. Then out of nowhere she says, "Are you happy?" That makes me think. Someone else asked me that within the past couple of months. I think I replied both times with the logical: "What reason do I have to be uncontent?" Obvious avoidance of the question. Yes, I know my father died and that counts as a reason to be unhappy, but I know that what happened was God's will. So even aside from that, no, I am not happy. I know why, too. I don't want to talk about it now, though. * * * I have two IM windows open right now. In one I am made to feel like an idiot, and in the other I feel unwanted at the moment. I am tempted to be extremely sarcastic right now, so as a precaution, I'm just not saying anything to either one of them. I may very well explode one day from all this silence.
11/12/04
Song: Never Alone - Barlowgirl
Ever get that feeling like something is going to happen, but nothing does? I get that a lot. I suppose I should just ignore it, then. It takes up too much brain space anyway. Today I took up the very productive task of pouring canned soda into bottles. And yes, I cleaned it up when I was through spilling it all over the place. There is now less than 24 oz. of orange soda in a Dr. Pepper bottle. Explanation: I don't like drinking out of cans. Not to mention, they aren't as portable. You know something that bothers me? I poured three 8 oz. cans into a 24 oz. bottle. The result, even after spills, was a fuller bottle than the original amount of Dr. Pepper. Do the math. It doesn't make sense. Obviously one of the numbers is not accurate. Methinks that Dr. Pepper might be the culprit.
11/11/04
Song: Pieces of Me - Ashlee Simpson
It's been exactly one month today. It's hard to believe that it's been that long. I think it's a blessing that I don't live at home right now. I'm not reminded of it constantly here. I can get away from the sadness. But when I go home, I've got no choice but to face it. * * *1:21pm. I'm starting to wonder where this concerto thing is going to lead to. Why did I win? I have the belief that everything happens for a reason. Will I actually go anywhere with the piano? I never thought I would. I don't have the personality of a performer. Somehow I always seem to end up in these odd positions. I mean, who has ever heard of a drum major who didn't like the spotlight? Or a pianist who doesn't like to play for other people? I'm undeserving of these things. I mean, I'm grateful for them, but...I just wonder how they happen.
11/10/04
Song: Girls and Boys - Good Charlotte
Maybe it's psychological, but when I practiced the concerto today it sounded a lot better than it use to. But I often find that when I take a break from a song for a few days it improves. I haven't told most of my friends about the competition. In fact, I don't tell them a lot. It's come to the point that I feel selfish if I talk about anything concerning myself. I'm trying to find that fine line between independent and clingy. Some people can get offended if someone is too independent or clingy. However, I happen to know that other people actually prefer their friends to be one or the other. Hopefully I will never be described as clingy. Never ever. Actually, I think that fear of even being slightly clingy, even 5% clingy, is what makes me keep to myself. "Trapped inside of my own mind, afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find, and I don't want to live like this anymore." - Lifehouse
11/09/04?
Song: Hey Ya - Outkast
Disappointment. So I didn't go bowliing and I didn't have to ward off anyone. I did learn to play Nerts though. Fun game, but I got tired of it after about five rounds. Last night they read my thank you card aloud. I believe that I turned a lovely shade of crimson. I wish I didn't blush so much. I have yet another Accounting test today. When will it stop?! I still have one more course to go, too. Sigh. The things I go through to be educated...* * *3:13 pm. BREAKING NEWS!! I, Rebekah, will be playing the piano with a live orchestra. Remember that competition that I was only doing for practice/experience? Ok, I don't remember if I mentioned it or not...But I think I said something about the judges...anyways...I was one of the three chosen. The only pianist. And I don't know why. I heard the girl who played before me, and she was really good. Better than me. I know I'm not the best, which is why this surprises me immensely. Did I mention I don't like playing in front of large crowds? I guess that will be somewhat of a setback. But I'm still excited, even though I'm terrified.
11/08/04
Song: Sunshine - Vertical Horizon
Hmm. Tonight should be interesting. I have to convey the message "Dude, get away from me" without being mean. I really don't need any enemies. And it's always nice to have guys on my side...as long as they don't get the wrong idea. Why does it always happen that way? Somehow the feeling is never mutual, no matter who it lies in. Ah well. I just have to be patient. Like everyone tells me: "One day..."