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| Random.Com | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Woody Allen | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| As far as I'm concerned, he is the god of comedy. His humour is actually on an intellectul level, causing some amount of stimulation instead of mindless jokes. Yes, I am tlaking about SNL. It has it's place when you're drunk or trying not to study for final exams. However, "life is a comedy for those who think..." and Allen's sense of humour proves this point perfectly. I won't go into a dissertation on my opinion of what real humour is, but he is the embodiment of wit and irony. The strange part is that, unlike most comedians, he's not just after a laugh. He is a person who thinks | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| deeply and skeptically about life, god, and relationships, and the observations and applications he comes up with are always hysterical. He is one of the few who can be uproariously funny and thought-provoking at the same time. Amnyway, now that I've lauded him to the skies, here's his best quotes and sayings, along with links to other info about this talented director/producer/actor/writer/comedian. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| PICTURES | FILMOGRAPHY | UPCOMING RELEASES/ NEWS | BIOGRAPHY | LINKS | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and my shirt size? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I am at two with nature | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I tended to place my wife under a pedestal | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I took a speed-reading course and read "War & Peace" in twenty minutes...It involves Russia. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. |
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| If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| If it turns out there is a God, I don't think he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that he's basically an underachiever. |
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| Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. |
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| My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I do not believe in afterlife, althought I am bringing a change of underwear. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| To you, I'm an atheist; To god I'm the Loyal Opposition. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I failed to make the chess team because of my height. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over 40 billion dollars a year. This is quite a proftiable sum, esepcially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little on office supplies. |
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| I don't suntan. I don't even burn. I just stroke. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It's not that I'm afriad to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable as one's hat keeps blowing off. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree." Probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Eighty percent of success is showing up. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. |
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| There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Love is the answer... but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills mountain resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such... small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The--the other important joke for me is one that's uh, usually attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think it appears originally in Freud's wit and its relation to the unconcious. And it goes like this--I''m paraphrasing. Uh... "I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. Tsch, you know, lately the strangest things have been going through my mind, 'cause I turned forty, tsch, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis or something. I don't know. I, uh...and I'm not worried about agin. I'm not on o'those characters, you know. Although I 'm blading slightly on top, that's about the worst you can say about me. I,uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the--the balding, virile type, you know, as opposed to say the, uh, distinguished gray, for instance, you know? 'Less I'm neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o' those guys wirh saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism. (sighs) Annie and I broke up and I--I still can't get my mind around that. You know, I--I keep sifting the peices o' the relationship thought my mind and--and examining my life and tryin' to figure out where did the screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we were...tsch, in love. You know, and-and-and....And it's funny, I'm not--I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character. I-I-I, uh-- (laughing)--you know, I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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