From: [email protected]
Subject: Nurse Jones revisitates
Date: 1 Dec 92 23:03:49 GMT
Well, as usual averti has hit the bullseye.
I'm sitting back here with him admiring his marksmanship, his
little red (sorry, averti) big red arrow metaphorically quivering
dead center, and the rest of ASB has rushed past us to pull their
arrows out of the wrong target... I think.
I've gotten 10 or 15 pieces of e-mail on the subject of sexual
abuse of children. All in response to my post on my own
experiencie with my cousin. Some from people that were abused,
some from people who had loved-ones abused, some from people who
council the abused.
The verdict is unanimous: I was sexually abused.
That conclusion was either assumed or stated in every single response.
I guess I must still be in denial or something. I'm still not sure I
see it that clearly and I was *there*.
Not that I don't appreciate the sympathy, the warmth, and the
thoughtfulness that went into those responses. Really.
But everyone went rushing past me to the conclusion, and I'm
still standing back here with averti trying to figure out the
question.
Forget for a moment that my cousin later went to jail for sexual
abuse of minors. That was when he was old enough to know better.
What about me? Way back then? What about *him* way back then?
Nevermind what he grew into. *Then* he was a child. Almost as
vulnerable as I was. He was a minor. I know, I know, it is
possible for children to sexually abuse children. Legally
possible. Someone explained that.
And I admit that I am reluctant to acknowledge that I might be
"one of those people" that was abused. Like in the documentaries
on child abuse. I don't feel like an abused person. And of
course, I don't want to be one, either. It *could* be denial. I
will admit that. I will also admit that I may not be qualified to
judge that for myself.
But abused people are supposed to be *hurt* by the abuse, arent
they? At least in the documentaries they always seem to be
twisted and bitter...
Consider:
(1) What he did wasn't really non-consensual. I was tentative
about it, but I agreed to let them show me what diddling was.
(2) They were children, as was I.
(3) I resisted at one point, but not because I was being hurt,
only because I wasn't sure it wouldn't hurt and I didn't know
what was happening to me.
(4) He stopped "diddling" me when I started crying. I gave him no
other indication that I wanted him to stop. I had just been lost
in the most wonderful experience of my short life. My first
orgasm. He kept diddling away out of ignorance. He didn't know I
was past the good bits and getting sore until I started
sniffling... then he stopped.
(5) My reaction was wonderment. I was sincerely thrilled and
wanted to diddle myself the next day.
(6) Somehow, I didn't. Instead I blocked it out.
(7) When the memory came back, I didn't feel abused. I felt
irritated with myself at having wasted all that time during which
I could have been diddling.
(8) My reaction to the returned memory was to begin diddling
immediately.
And now ASB seems to be offering the unanimous (save averti)
opinion that I was abused, and some are burning with anger over
it.
And here I am, perfectly happy. Diddling while Rome burns.
Okay, maybe the law says I was abused. But I still think averti
asked the right question and I haven't seen a justified answer.
Only assumptions.
Was I abused? Should I step across the line and join those people
on the documentaries? People who have been twisted by their
experience? Should I assume that I only *think* I handled it
well? Should I try to root out something in my psychology that I
can confront dramatically, cathartically?
Or am I in a grey area that we can't say much about?
averti asked the question in the abstract: Can a child abuse a
child if neither party is "responsible"?
I ask with reference to myself. I'm not concerned with
abstractions. This is personal: Was I Abused?
Jay doesn't know. He wasn't abused even a little bit. He's as
supportive as anyone could be, but he doesn't know.
I'm asking for help here. I want^H^H^H^H need more of an answer
than I got.
Nurse Jones,
In a
quandry.
Actually,
in a
kimono...
--
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