From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Nurse Jones re-viscerates
Date: 26 Nov 92 19:48:30 GMT
From Nurse Jones,
> Subject: Re: Nurse Jones Re-viscerated
averti writes:
> As usual, NJ causes me to think. Beyond the current text and
narrative.
> [...]
> Every one of these early experiences thrilled the heck out of me. I
didn't
> feel exploited or abused or tricked or anything else negative. In
some cases,
> wildly grateful.
As usual, averti causes me to talk. This is not a hard thing to do.
Almost everything causes me to talk. I have very few unexpressed
thoughts.
Anyway, *I* didn't feel abused *then* either. It's just that *now*, I
wonder... Second guessing myself.
I guess.
> So, what went on here? Is it that different between little girls and
little > boys? Why didn't I feel that this sex play, some of which was
pretty rough > and coercive, was bad for me, in the short term or
since?
> Now, of course, NJ is a little, shy, retiring woman (except under
certain > circumstances)
> and I am a fair-sized, evasive but hammy, gregarious man. > Is it
partly a stylistic thing? Assault on the naughty bits of A produces >
trauma and inhibition, because that's the kind of person A is, whereas
> assault on the naughty bits of B merely serves to further confirm
his bent > toward sex-fiendedness?
So averti is asking if this is
(1) an A-B thing or a (2) Male-Female thing or maybe a (3) Too Young-
Old Enough thing...
I dunno. I *know* I liked it. I *remember* liking it. But I blocked it
out, the way they say you do if you are traumatized. I had no control
over that. And I was really pissed at myself for forgetting to try it
on myself until years later.
You know, when I heard that trauma victims sometimes block out these
events I thought (smugly) to myself, "I would *never* do that. I'm
stronger than that. I *know* I would remember being abused. There's no
way I would let myself forget something like that."
And then I discovered that I had done exactly that and I didn't even
perceive the cause as abuse. To this day I remember it as a good --
well not goody good -- but positive (?) no ... a definitely not
negative ... let's say a wonderful (i.e. filled with wonderment)
experience. If an experience can be wonderful without being good.
Maybe an experience to be recaptured. A very strong experience. I
don't think "wildly grateful" would describe my feelings ... but they
weren't *negative* feelings.
I resented my cousin, but I was awestruck by this unexpected
affirmation that there really was magic in the world. I was at that
know-it-all age when I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was too
adult to believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, and then suddenly my
body had this magic trick it could do. Real Magic. As Aladin said,
just rub it here, and Bingo. Magic.
I can't emphasize that enough: Magic. It was one of those Fundamental
Secrets of Life that adults were always hiding. I was sure there was
more important stuff they weren't telling me. I was excited by the
prospect of uncovering more mysteries like this diddling business.
If I were picked up by friendly aliens tomorrow I would have the same
eager excitement over the revelation that the world was not as mundane
as it appeared to be.
I *did* feel my cousin had taken something that he wanted from me
without asking -- but that violation was overshadowed by the
miraculous thing I had learned about my body.
Ding. Another bell goes off in Nurse Jones' head. It is an erotic
thing for me when Jay "takes what he wants" from me. Uses me. I like
the reassurance that he cares about me, but being "used" by the right
person in the right way is an erotically charged feeling that I may
have inherited from that childhood incident of near-abuse.
> so I am wondering what if NJ's > slightly older peers had introduced
her to sex in a loving, tender, subtle > sort of way, all rose petals
and fleeting gossamer touches on dewey little > pearly clit-heads?
Disney, 1949, with harp music and angels flitting about... > What if?
I hate to think this, but I might have become fixated on the 50's
version of sex. I would be tiptoeing daintily through meadows, wearing
a crown of daisies while butterflies danced around my head. Instead of
teetering through ASB on my 5 inchers with a ball gag around my head.
I might be watching Lawrence Welk instead of a pirated copy of 9.5
weeks. I might be writing to alt.tupperware at this very moment. The
mind, a term I use loosely, boggles.
> MY QUESTION WAS: how important is the qualitative aspect of
significant early > sexual experiences?
It appears to be a lot more important to me than I would have
thought... I always thought Freud was a buncha hokum. I always thought
kids were tough. I thought *I* was tough. Mentally, I mean.
> Is it always ``wrong?'' Is it wronger for females than > males?
Was it wrong for my cousin to force me down a path that I am now glad
to be on? That's what confuses me. Is it fair for me to think him
"wrong" when I now feel so "right" about the result?
I *do* think he was wrong. But I really *like* being me. The way I am.
Jay says that for me life is just a stroll down Lover's Lane, hand in
hand with myself.
But I am genuinely confused.
I really thought it was "right" at the time, but responsible adults
today would say that the Child Nurse Jones wasn't old enough to make
such a choice and it shouldn't have been forced on her. And that the
Adult Nurse Jones -- by reason of the resultant perversion -- isn't
qualified to pronounce her present condition benign.
How can a madwoman declare herself sane even if she *is*?
I'm still not sure my present perversion is a *result* of what he did.
Maybe he just rubbed the right spot and out popped a genii that was
already there, waiting...?
> Who here thinks that their current level of perversion is closely
tied > (pardon the expression) with an experience similar to that of
NJ?
I do! Oh. Sorry... I'll give someone else a chance...
Darn. I missed another golden opportunity to shut up.
> averti, condemned to relive the past.
Nurse Jones,
*Trying* to
relive the past...?
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