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(Adapted from an original paper version)
Hi there
This is one of a series of letters touching on important issues. While the views expressed are my own, the intent is not that you should believe as I do, but seeing my track in the sand you may explore with a little more confidence. Your world is different from mine so you cannot copy, you must find your own way.
It is appropriate that we offer some observations which may be helpful in establishing the most important relationships of your life. We feel that these remarks are best made in a letter as that provides the opportunity to reflect on them at your convenience and hopefully it is not embarrassing if you should think them inappropriate for some reason.
Through your adolescence we have encouraged you to take care to avoid situations in which you may find your feelings (and those of your partner) hard to control. An effective way to achieve this result we believed was to keep your hands out of other people's pants and to keep their hands out of yours. Our views in this regard have not changed.
What has changed is your situation, you are now older.
The reason for writing is our desire that none of our children should have so carefully avoided sexual experience that they reach their 30s without a life-partner and with a diminishing prospect of finding one. One does not find a spouse without confronting the experience of sex.
It is usual that people in their early 20s feel that they are unattractive and that all the eligible partners are already attached to somebody else. Both views are grossly wrong. Every person has different strengths and weaknesses – the combination of qualities and limitations you have is different from that of everybody else – it is a combination which will be very pleasing to some people and less so to others. It is unreasonable to expect that we should be supremely pleasing to the first person who is pleasing to us. Conversely there is a great range of people to whom we are very attractive and it is necessary only for us to find one of those whose company we also enjoy.
A healthy relationship is an experience of maturing and growth. It may be uncomfortable, even painful; it turns on courage not weakness; and it requires honesty with ourselves first. We are not loved because of what we are or what we do (or refrain from); we do not have to be beautiful or clever or otherwise admirable. We are loved because of the positive effect we have on another person; because of the joy and sense of worth we bring to them. Our peculiar combination of personal qualities is what we are valued for – our task is to use them to best effect in another person. This is not something we can seek or gain for ourselves, but something we can only give to others. When the gift is returned in kind it comes with rich dividends.
Do not imagine that there is only one perfect partner. There is a fashionable image that we each have someone to whom we are fated and all others are wrong. It is the image which is wrong. If we need to we can live in intimate proximity with a great variety of people. Ships crews, armies and the like have been doing this for millennia; all we need is goodwill and determination to ensure that the situation is properly managed and we can get along famously.
The image is also wrong because it implies that if you find your perfect partner then everything will be easy. It will not. It still requires goodwill and determination in large quantities. Certainly there is a honeymoon period (which may be years) when infatuation may make all sorts of difficulties seem to melt away. This fades with time and soon enough the illusion is gone. Your partner becomes someone very familiar and for too many people it is an unacceptable substitute for the illusion. The tragedy of this is both unnecessary and avoidable.
Do not imagine that there is any scarcity of eligible and suitable partners – there is a great abundance – not every person you meet by any means, but still many more than we readily recognise. Further, there is no magic which makes a marriage work in the long run. When the illusion is gone there remains a great deal of potential to work with and the results of a modest amount of effort are extremely rewarding. More about that on another occasion perhaps. Suffice it to say now that while there seems to be great magic in the illusion of infatuation it is merely that, and the skill we demonstrate in selecting a mate is probably just as illusory.
We like to imagine we select well and we are easily able to persuade ourselves that this is the case, however I am convinced that we might have selected in a great variety of different ways for different opportunities and different outcomes which could be no less satisfying. In many cultures the partners people got were selected by others. I am sure that the skill which parents might have in selecting a mate for their children was no better or worse than that we display when we select for ourselves.
Our ability to identify a suitable partner is something which I do not understand and about which there is no meaningful research that I know of. It appears to be largely wired into us and only partly learned. Somehow there are moments when a spark strikes without there being any warning or reason to expect it, and many more moments when there is no spark however much we might like the idea. The classical image of Cupid firing a dart when we least expect it is not without experiential support.
It is certainly the case that we are more likely to find that spark if we are inclined to and are of a personal disposition which is attractive. Feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling that we are unattractive is a sure way to dampen any sparks which others might feel.
Sometimes the spark can strike with inappropriate people. Don't be tempted to become intimate with anybody whom you feel is of much less intelligence than yourself. It will be hard to respect such a person in the long run. You should expect to find someone who values the same things as you do, who feels similarly about literature and arts, someone who is a great companion doing ordinary things, keen to make you happy, reliable, someone you are pleased to be associated with and someone whose tastes and table manners are pleasing to you. She must trust him and feel he respects her and will work for her continued growth and development. He must feel that she is trustworthy and a responsible domestic manager. Would you be interesting to each other and good friends if you could not be intimate? Do you bring out the best in each other?
Take care with people who are emotionally unstable or who have neurotic behaviours. All of us are neurotic in mild ways, but if we can laugh at our own irrational prejudices, feelings and (especially) fears they present little difficulty. Some people however are compelled by these things in ways which are maladaptive (read "The Road Less Travelled" by M Scott Peck for illustrations) and these can make very difficult life-partners. You cannot trust a person who will simply deny that which they do not accept.
When we meet a person with whom we find we have a strong mutual attraction we need to know how they will behave when they are no longer trying to impress / please you. Observe them with same-sex friends of long standing, and with their families. The behaviour those familiar faces experience is the behaviour you will get when you too become familiar. Do not plan that your leopard should change its spots.
Ethnic differences are also an issue. People who grow up in different cultures have very different expectations of the behaviour of their sexual partners and these differences do not go away. For a while the differences may be regarded as a novelty, but in the long run they are often pervasive and intrusive. The track record of mixed race marriages is very poor. This does not prevent them working, but the difficulties are considerably greater. The same applies where there are wide religious differences.
Be patient. Some people are struck at a young age and others fend it off until later. There is only a slight diminution of the supply of available partners as we get older, and indeed with the current trends it would appear that a large proportion of people are choosing not to commit themselves until much later. Do not expect to find the partner-of-your-dreams in the first year you look. It seems to be more likely that you will be struck some time when you are not expecting it, when you are busy just being yourself – exactly the sort of person whom someone else is wired up to like and enjoy.
Healthy adult sexual behaviour in the beginning of a committed relationship is not a simple business. It is often confusing, full of tension and discomfort. It involves large exposures and high stakes. There is no safe sex, it is palpably risky. This is not because there is any greater risk of infection or pregnancy, but because there are other risks – emotional and economic ones which as youngsters we did not understand or acknowledge. Love has been accurately described as a preparedness to become vulnerable. We do not enter the heart of another while we still defend our own, we must become defenceless. Our hormones can then take us for a wild ride.
She is likely to intensely dislike the instability of the emotional swings and roundabouts and may react strongly. He may be hesitant – intimidated perhaps by her reactions and the scale of the forces involved. Courage is required by both. It is not just a saying that "true love never runs smooth". If your ride appears smooth beware the depth of commitment.
Free love is a paradox. Love is never free. It springs from sacrifice, adjustment, cooperation, and responsibility for the happiness of another human being. Because it is priceless, we pay a higher price for love than for any other gift. The emptiness of casual sex is surely apparent.
A girl may use sex to gain acceptance and to boost her self-esteem. If a man wants to sleep with her, doesn't that mean she is attractive? That she has value? The answer is no. Love (unlike sex) cannot be bought or even earned. Any female seeking sex will easily find a willing man, and if she is weak he will scorn her. Seeking affirmation, she may deny her weakness, but her purchase with sex subconsciously confirms her weakness. She gains nothing. Her denial of the facts erodes her sense of self worth and she feels worse. The problem is compounded by his skill at telling her lies which support her denial and keep her available to him.
Denial of the importance of sex is equally mistaken. True love might wait, but understand why. Do not imagine that any formality or certificate is as important as any of the relationship issues. Most important, do not imagine that because a couple has a religious abstinence that their love is therefore true. Premarital denial is likely to be followed by more of the same.
The committed relationship is entered slowly, and extended as commitment is demonstrated. This takes a large investment of time and effort, there is no magic key except the laying bare of your inmost self. Rapid progress is usually achieved by skipping important issues. Hurry at your peril. When you have bared your soul, the emotional cost of rejection is LARGE. Sure, the experiences are wonderful but they must not blind you to what is going on.
In contrast the one night stand seeks the sensations of sex without the emotional trappings. I guess that seeking only half of anything is always going to result in something significantly less than what is available. It becomes a double loss for those who do not understand how little they are receiving. Regrettably there will always be people who will take a trinket in lieu of a treasure. If the trinket pleases them just as much that is fine, but my observation is that the trinket is ultimately seen to be junk.
For her part she must ensure that he is frank and honest with her, that he is committed to coping with the difficult times as well as having fantastic fun. She must ensure that her ideas are listened to and taken seriously, that what she says is respected and responded to on its merits and not put down or put off. Her ideas and feelings will be different to his and it is necessary that she is pleased with the way in which he responds to them. He is not a woman. Men and women deal with issues quite differently and she must expect to have some serious difficulties in making herself understood. He will be sexual and she must respond, not superficially or cheaply, nor with blind denial.
For his part there is no progress while issues are avoided. He must learn that he understands little about her or women in general. She is not a man. Men and women deal with issues quite differently, and he will have some serious difficulties in understanding her feelings. At the same time he sets the pace, he will insist, forcing up issues she would prefer were left to lie and pushing her further than she wishes to concede. He must turn up the heat – there is a fine line to find between courting and harassment. He must put his masculinity on the line and he must also see how she values this. "A faint heart never won a fair lady."
It comes with the territory that people will make some progress along this path before one decides that the match is not appropriate. This is often a surprise to the other and, because of the high emotional stakes involved, the shock can be most distressing (not just for those involved but for everyone else who knows them too). These setbacks are traumatic, but they are also a necessary part of the learning process. The trauma is worse where there is denial – you owe it to both yourself and your friend to be frank and honest with them, it may hurt badly but in the long run denial will hurt more. Our failures are valuable, they improve our judgement and help us better understand what is important to us.
Those who gamble with large stakes can expect to have to carry large losses, it is part of the game.
The benefits are as spectacular as the journey is exciting. It is impossible to overstate either. It is a monumental distraction and has caused many excellent students to fail. There are no rules or guidelines, but I would most strongly advise against starting a pregnancy until you are certain that you wish to. You make your own judgements and then you live with the consequences.
A pregnancy introduces as many new and complicating emotions as serious sex did. For her there is a whole new spectrum of hormones and body changes of profound significance, and subsequently there is a child with 20 years of dependence ahead. For him it puts a whole new meaning on responsibility (which an uncommitted man is likely to simply deny).
A pregnancy is entirely foreseeable when couples go courting and is easily avoided. Because it is now easily avoided our society places much less restriction on courting activities than was traditionally the case. It is your responsibility to make sure it does not happen.
It is no accident that all traditional cultures demand that pregnancy does not occur except in circumstances where the infant can be properly cared for – and that means two parents or an extended family for the long run. Unfortunately in this country we seem to have moved away from that rule at present, however I have no doubt that the traditional practice will be re-established in time. The social and emotional costs of poor parenting are huge and while they are simply denied by some, denial does not make a problem go away.
There is no intimate love without sex. With commitment and love it becomes great sex. This is much more than coitus, it is daunting and intoxicating, awful and ecstatic. Don't be distracted by coitus nor deceived into thinking that intimate love can be found without it. If your friendships are all entirely sexless you've got little; if coitus is all you get you're no better off. My prayer for you is that you discover life.
It has taken many weeks to write and edit this, and nothing is there by accident. While our views are shared, some of it remains in the first person reflecting the way it was initially written. If there is any further view or response we can offer we will be pleased for the opportunity.
Peter & Margaret
We talked some months later about the difficulties of the death of a partner, and the issues confronting a surviving partner who seeks to establish a new relationship. Of course circumstances vary greatly, but the emotional pressure on people building a new romance in the afternoon of their lives is much less than on the young.
At this time there is less that is new and strange, so the intensity of the experience is less (not zero by any means however); but perhaps the largest single difference is that later in life there is so much less at stake. A 20-something person is gambling with what amounts to the whole of her (his) life. A girl marrying commits 100% of her genetic potential to this one man. While she may not consciously think of it in these terms, her genes drive this thinking for her. A man making a commitment to a monogamous relationship makes the same venture. These are big stakes.
Later in life, when our genetic potential has effectively reduced to near zero, the balance of these decisions has changed. Different values become more important (at least in relative terms). Sex and its related pleasures still have lots of value, but the risks are smaller.
Peter
When things get hot don't get burned by ignorance.
Advice for Girls (How to win and keep a man)
and for Guys (How to win and keep a wife)
Read the public thoughts of Amber on her sexuality
Original: December ‘98
This page is part of “Living in the Light”
found at: http://www.geocities.com/phoban2000/
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