Scene:
A Doctor�s surgery. It�s a typical Monday morning. The Reception desk is manned by Doris. Doris has worked at the surgery for as long as people can remember. She is the �cushion� between the Doctor and the patients. Nobody but nobody gets to see the Doctor without Doris�s say-so.
Characters:
Doris Brown: The typical Doctor�s receptionist.
Harold Evans: Harold has come to see the Practice Nurse. He is going on holiday to Africa and needs to update his inoculations.
Warren Adams: Warren is a Falkland�s Veteran. (his ship was still tied up to the quay at Pompey when the Argentinian surrender was announced, but his claim of Post Dramatic Stress Syndrome is still in with a chance!)
Emlyn Thomas: Emlyn is an ex-miner who spent all his working life underground. He suffers with a bad chest
Andrea James: Andrea is convinced she has contracted E-Coli. Last week it was CJD. Next week. Who knows?
Florence Sparrow: Florence is returning to see the Doctor, following a visit the previous week.
Jane Legg: Jane is a local girl. She is married, with two small children, and suffers with problems � well you know- problems � you don�t need it spelling out do you!
Jane, and Warren have been interrogated by Doris, who has ascertained that they have just cause to waste the Doctor�s precious time. They are sat in the waiting room. Doris has warned the patients that the resident doctor is off on one of his many holidays, and that there is a locum doctor in charge.
The phone rings. Doris answers it on the fourth ring. Everybody listens in,
Doris: Good Morning, Bora Da. This is Ferndale Surgery. Can I help you?
Caller: I�ve had a big red lump come up on my knee.
Doris: Do you want an appointment to see the Doctor?
Caller: (in a raised voice) Well, I don�t want to see a plumber do I?
Doris: (in an even higher voice) Don�t take that tone with me young man! Now do you want to see a Doctor or not!
Caller: I need to see a Doctor, �cos it�s aching, and it�s red, and it�s growing!
Doris: Well, we have no appointments today, and tomorrow we�ve only got 11.30, and that�s with the new Doctor. If it�s that bad, you should really go to the hospital.
Caller: I went there yesterday. I thought I�d come to you for a second opinion. What do you think!
Doris:(sighing, she�s heard it all before) We can fit you in tomorrow with Dr. Singh.9.30.
Caller: I�m not seeing him! I saw him when I had the flu. I was in for ages and ages. I couldn�t understand a word he was saying. God knows what that medicine it was that he gave me.
Doris: Did it cure you?
Caller: Did it Heck! But it worked wonders with that big stain on the living room carpet. No, I�ll take that 11.30 appointment tomorrow; that�s if I�m still alive.
Doris takes the man�s details and makes the appointment. By this time there�s quite a queue building up. Emlyn, Harold, and Florence are waiting patiently. The Doctor�s light flashes.
Doris: Mr. Adams, you can go in now; room 5 Dr. Smith. (Warren leaves the room; Doris turns back to the queue.)
Doris: Who�s next then?
Harold: I think I�m next. I�m here to see the Nurse.
Doris: Name?
Harold: Harold Evans.
Doris: Ah. Yes. Take a seat Mr. Evans, the nurse won�t be long. She�s just separating young Johnnie Jone�s head from his Mum�s saucepan. (There�s a yelp from the back room and the clatter of metal being dropped) Sounds as though she�s almost finished.
(Harold sits down. Doris turns to the next patient)
Doris: (in a sharp tone)? Name!
Emlyn: Don�t be silly woman. You know who I am. I�ve been coming here for years!
Doris: I need to know your name and details to make sure you are who you say you are.
Emlyn: Emlyn Thomas. 77 Gwalia Terrace. D.O.B. 15 March 1927. Army Number 765477. Hat size 7and 5 eighths. Inside leg. (Doris gives in, and stops him before he can go any further)
Doris: Alright, alright Mr. Evans, I�m only doing my job you know! Take a seat. The Doctor will see you shortly.
Florence: I think I�m next. I came to see the Doctor last week and he asked me to come back this week and to bring a sample with me. (she reaches into her bag and brings out a 2 litre bottle of funny coloured liquid which she tries to hand to Doris. Doris looks concerned)
Doris: What�s that?
Florence: That�s my sample. (she looks into the surgery where an anxious audience awaits events) It took me ages to fill. I do hope there�s enough. (she pauses and reaches back into her bag to bring out another bottle; similar to the first) But if it isn�t. ( she offers the second bottle to a now worried looking Doris) I brought a second one just in case.
(Doris dons a pair of rubber gloves, and holding the bottles at arm�s length, disappears into a back room. The surgery audience look on in amazement. Florence takes a seat)
Emlyn: (looking towards Harold) Well, well. Harold Evans; I haven�t seen you for ages. You�re looking a picture of health. What brings you in here ?
Harold: I've come for some jabs.
Emlyn: Aye, Aye! What you�ve been up to then? Been down that Caroline Street have you? Been putting it where you shouldn�t � I know! (Harold looks puzzled. What is Emlyn on about? Suddenly, the penny drops and he realises what�s being suggested)
Harold: No! Certainly not! I haven�t been anywhere near Caroline Street! Me and the Wife are off on one of them there safaris � Africa � We�re going to see some wild life, and we need our jabs before we go.
Emlyn: You�d see plenty of wild life down that Caroline Street! But I wouldn�t recommend taking the wife, and the jabs are usually given afterwards!
(Andrea comes to the reception desk)
Doris: (she dosen�t ask for Andrea�s details because Emlyn�s listening and she�s afraid he�ll give another speil) Good morning Mrs. James. What is it today?
Andrea: That�s a very personal matter, between me and my Doctor! (in a concerned voice and appealing to her listening audience) I�ll have you know, I�m a very sick woman. The Doctor says I�m a miracle of modern science. It�s only the pills what�s keeping me going.
Doris: (she sighs once more) Take a seat Mrs. James. The Doctor won�t be long.
(Andrea sits next to Jane)
Andrea: Eh! What�s wrong with you love?
Jane: I keep having these funny turns � (she drops her voice to a whisper) You know what its like. I go all hot and then cold and I have a dizzy moment.
Andrea: Well, you�re no spring chicken. I�ve suffered like you in the past. I�ve been on the change since I were 32! They can�t do anything for me. I�ve tried everything from tiger balm to aqua-puncture. Didn�t do a blind bit of good! And I don�t get any sympathy from him at home. Next time I�m coming back as a fella! They have it on a plate and no aches and pains!
Jane: I thought they could just give me something � you know � just some tablets to help me get through the day.
Andrea: They don�t understand us women�s problems � they think we make it all up! Tell you what love: I�ve got some tablets at home � they might work for you!
Jane: Do you really think they�ll help me? Were you suffering just like me when you took them?
Andrea: Na! I think I was pregnant at the time. Come to think of it they didn�t do much to cure that either!
(Florence smiles. Warren comes out of the Doctor�s room. He looks more than worried.)
Warren: (to the waiting patients) You don�t want to go in there! That new Doctor � Well � He�s only just qualified! (there�s a gasp from the patients) and he�s only a kid! (a louder gasp) and � and- he�s only bloody English isn�t he!
(everybody gets up to leave. There�s requests for another appointment � when the proper Doctor returns from holiday. The surgery is almost empty. Only Warren and Doris are left.)
Doris: Well Warren, You�ll have to come in every morning if you can clear my surgery like that.
The End
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