Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right before the cops arrived. A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!" He said, "Oh, it's only a dog." He kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow." He said, "Oh, it's only a cat." Then, he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a young boy who lived about 30 miles from Houston, Texas. He decided he wanted to take a trip into the city by himself so he saved all his money. When he had enough money he asked his mom if he could go. The day he left she packed him a lunch and off he rode on his bike. He had been pedaling for about 30 minutes when a guy in a Corvette drove alongside him.

guy: Where you going?

boy: I'm going to Houston.

guy: That's a long way to have to ride your bike, you want a ride?

boy: YEA, but what about my bike.

guy: Oh, hmm... I know, I have a tow rope in my trunk. I'll tie one end to your handle bars and the other to my bumper. If while I'm driving I go too fast, just ring the bell on your bike and I'll slow down.

boy: Hey, great. Let's go.

So off they go. The driver finally levels off at about 40 mph and everyone's happy. A few minutes later another guy in this BMW pulls up alongside the Corvette. He reves the engine, pulls ahead, drops back, pulls ahead again and starts yelling at the guy in the Corvette about his high preformance 'vette only can do 40! Before you know both cars are gone in a cloud of dust. About 5 miles down the road they pass a speed trap. Cop radioing ahead to his partner: "Larry, you're not going to believe this. A Corvette and BMW just passed me going 170 mph. They're heading your way, so be ready. And you want to hear the amazing part of it ... there's this little kid on a bike, ringing his bell for all its worth, trying to pass 'em."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30mph the police stops a driver. -"So then. Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been overtaking where it was not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out... This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name ?" -"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic." -"Hmmmm...eh...well, I'll let you go this time...but don't do it again." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever wondered what the first game ever played was? Some people think it was tennis, because early in the Bible it says that "Joseph served in Pharaoh's court". Others believe it was baseball, since in Genesis it says: "In the big inning ..." There seems to be no doubt what the last game ever played will be -- bridge, since at the end of the world "Gabriel will play the last trump" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An outdoor orchestra was playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony when, suddenly, this big wind arose, and the musicians all had to tie their score(music), to their music stands in order to keep them from blowing away. Then the bass players, who'd grown thirsty during the first half of the performance, sneaked off to a nearby bar, then came back drunk. So, in the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied and the basses loaded. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------