Our life is governed by four-letter words.

I don’t know how she got my number. If I’m free maybe we could go out for coffee some time, she said. She saw me one time walking towards AS but didn’t bother to say hello because I looked “busy.” I saw her too. I knew she didn’t just see me. We passed each other along the way while I was pretending to text someone on my cell phone. I wasn’t busy. I was just afraid that a simple “hello” would lead to so many places.

Looking back, maybe I could’ve said “hi” instead.

It’s rare that she gets to read the Collegian because she spends most of her time in Makati lately. She thought of dispelling fears that nobody remembers me anymore. I hope this piece doesn’t reach her, but I don’t care anymore. I’m officially declaring that I’m pushing her away, allotting an unbreachable distance between us. Of course I’ll have to subscribe to the illusion that she’s actually trying to move closer.

Most likely not.

But I still agreed to have coffee with her. Everybody spouts promises nowadays anyway, written in air, spoken in an obscure, easily forgotten language. Like evenings spent locked in an uncommitted embrace. Like waking with her head resting on my chest. Like a shared cigarette while sitting on strange, cold pavement.  

Like a brief nod saying that we’ll meet again.

And so we met for coffee. She doesn’t smoke anymore. Her boyfriend insisted. Her boyfriend who was 10 years older, who had a wife and two kids in the province, an “artist” for a large advertising agency. So she said during that brief, 30-minute encounter before the boyfriend called and asked her to pick him up. Maintaining a smile, she also lamented that she suspects him of having another affair besides the one he’s having with her. She waved as she said goodbye. I stayed for a few more minutes.

Then I went to the office where I don’t own tragedies.

Then I receive a text message from her, apologizing for the short time she stayed to talk. I just replied “Ok lng.” Then another message from her: “Kta n lng uli tau nxt tym. Kofi uli?ü” I said, “D n lng.”

“D ko lam panu sabhn knina. Nhhya ako. Pero mahal pa rin ata kta.”

“Alam ko, d m n dpat cnabi.”

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# Philippine Collegian