I wanted to share some of my "discoveries" and theories, so here goes...
Humans make very interesting pets even though they are not very intelligent. Please remember to fully investigate a human before you pick them out. Some are marginally trainable; some are nothing more than pathetic fools. If you have the misfortune of owning the latter, take heart--the idiots can sometimes be the most amusing.
GAMES YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR HUMAN:
When you feel ill, always find a new place to heave. The old theory of getting sick only on light colored carpet is still a good one, but research has found that a well-placed "gift" on dark carpeting works well. Watch your human when they step in it with their bare feet.
Train your human to realize that there is only one brand of cat food for you. Make them spend at least $500 in trying to find the correct brand. Once they have pinpointed the brand, refuse to eat any flavor except one. They should spend another $500 in finding the one flavor you will eat. Once they are convinced of your preference and have stocked the cabinets with your one and only choice, refuse to eat that anymore.
Rarely, if ever, let them see you eat. If you are caught enjoying a meal, quickly spit the food on the floor; look at it with great disdain and walk away. If you are caught without food in your mouth, give it a wary glance, sniff it and then begin to cover it up as if it were a "gem" in your litterbox.
Refuse to drink your water. Treat the bowl as if it were poisoned. Demand to drink from the tap---whether it is in the bathroom, kitchen or both. If this doesn't work for you, just insist on spilling your water bowl often.
When your human brings home "toys", do not play with them. That is so beneath you. After all, there are plenty of playthings in your home especially during the holidays. You know the decorations on the Christmas tree are there for your amusement. Watch your humans go crazy whenever you get near the tree and/or packages. Eat as many pieces of tinsel and ribbons as you possibly can. Be sure to "eliminate" these with a special "bonus" attached. Nothing animates a human like a piece of tinsel with a "poopy" attached being trailed from your behind! Wrapped gifts make great scratching posts too. That will get the worst couch potato up and running every time. Hide often behind the tree and be sure to make the tree sway. Eventually your human can be trained to not place breakable ornaments on the tree. If you are fortunate enough to have a large tree, be sure to climb it and peek out of the branches! Great fun!
If your human gets out of your sight, howl and cry at the top of your lungs. This is especially successful if you have access to an open door or patio. The neighbors will think you have the world's worst human staff. A surefire attention-getter!
Try to contain your energy bursts during the daytime. Save up your energy for the wee hours when your humans are trying to sleep. I find that racing through the house at 2:32 a.m. and running across the bed works miracles for me. If they pretend to ignore you, either scream like you are injured or stand on their chests (or backs) and meow like mad. If neither of these tactics work, just bop their faces or bite their noses. After all, who is the master of the house? They have no right to sleep when you are ready to play!!!
It is the holiday season so I am one busy Kiki. I have many more observations with which to enlighten you but you will have to visit again to read more. Paul is up now, trying to clean the house as Jean the Maid is on her way back home. The tree needs some work so I must eat and rest for a bit to gather strength to fix the tree while Paul goes to the airport for Jean. Now get out of here and take care of your cats.
Please come back soon and visit me.
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