| ~This is my lame attempt at a Journal which I won't probably Update much~ |
| (May 2001) I've been quite confused. Things will be so wonderfully terrific one day, then WHAM the very next day its total shit! Am I cured? Possibly. On a more serious note, I've been a bit depressed & stressed out lately. I've juz been dealing with a lot of um.....difficult things. Im also gutted at myself for the fact i missed PANTERA in concert. All my metal life i have been like "oh im definately going to their concert when they come to New Zealand!!" But no, unfortunately I couldnt go! I really do hope they make another tour to NZ again before they break up. And then i can make sure i go to the concert!! |
| Created: 11 May 2001 |
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| (22 June 2001) woohoo, i finally finished my course, im so stocked!! actually passing it is a different story though, but im sure i did.....well i hope so, ah! but i am so glad that the hard & stressful 6months are now over. But here comes an even harder thing to think about......what am i going to do with myself now?? im having scary thoughts! |
| (July 2001) Ever lied or kept the truth from a loved one because you didnt want to hurt them, thinking it was the right thing to do because you were so affaird of losing them over your stupid mistake. Well i came close to losing someone special to me this month!! When he confronted me over the phone about it i denied it even though i had been caught out by his friends. Ingoring the situation we moved on trying to work things out, we also shared a few feelings we had for each other and found out that we loved each other. Things are so much better now! We have grown closer. Ha, isnt it strange how you reliese things more once something has happened. Specailly when you want something and it doesnt happen until you really need it, then you hold onto it for dear life!. |
| (September - October 2001) ever been in one of those moods that hangs around for a few days or maybe weeks, well i am having one at the moment. it has lasted a few good weeks and im sick of it. Im so emotional at the moment, the smallest things set me off into tears, i even find myself crying for no reason at all sometimes. im so confused! what's wrong with me? is it lack of sleep? im scared because i feel like im losing the only gorgeous person who loves me. * * personal message to shane* * Sometimes i wonder how you can put up with me, specially these past few weeks when i've been crying on your shoulder and i apoloyise, but also i thank you so much, you were there for me when i needed attention the most and that means alot to me, thanks again babe, I LOVE YOU!! |
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| (February 2002) People say you shouldn't bottle up things inside. so what do you do when there is no one to talk to about your troubles. Yeah sure crying is good but still that isn't good enough sometimes. what about screaming? Some people find writting their emotions down on paper is a good way to free the mind from troubled thoughts, but Im not very good at writting my feelings down but its worth a try because when i wana tell someone whats bothering me i freeze up and cant get it out, or if i do it comes out wrong. ......so here goes..... * * personal message to Shane* * I was going to make a restricted page for only you to read but i dont know how to do that and plus if i took the time to make it it would take ages and i need to get this said, lol. so i hope you dont mind all this is on here, if you do let me know and ill get rid of it asap. First off i would like to start by saying: "Thank you so much for the amazing Valentines Day, i had a blast and i hope you did too!" Second....Dad apoloyises to you for what he said on Sunday. He didnt mean to scare you away, but i dont blame you for leaving because if your dad said something like that to me i would've wanted to bail too, (i know you wanted to go see your mum too, so thats cool). Anyway, when you left i hit dad up about it, told him he was out of line! it was my own fault though, he'd been warning me about it for ages but i just ingored him and didnt think it was such a big deal, but it is (well not as much as he made it out to be though), anyway, i could see where he was coming from but still he had no right to do what he did, and im so sorry!!! im also proud of myself....it was about time I stood up to him and said something because im almost 19 and im still getting treated like a kid, (and yes i would move out....as soon as i get a full-time job which im in the process of). I know my father can be a real control freak which i hate but he is also my father and most of the time its for my own good, and i love him. .....Moving on.....Controlling? can i be anymore stupid?? i cant believe i said that was what you are. im so sorry! like i said above "i freeze up and dont know what to say, when i get it out they are the wrong words". i was meant to say you have a STRONG charater. and i dont know why i asked that stupid question. im so sorry!! Also i wana' apoloyise for the way i have been acting lately, things have been hard for me, specailly getting over the fact you dont trust me. when you told me that it hurt me alot. but i understand why you dont & dont blame you because i disappointed you and hurt you (and i know its been hard for you too, twice as much as it has for me). Im so sorry!! i cant believe how lucky i am to be with you still and im so thankful for that! (although i know i have been annoying you with my moods lately because its been annoying me too! lol sorry!). The thing is i wana do things right, make you happy (i hope i still do that, i know i do in one way *winks*, lol). Anyway, thats why its important for me to win your trust back, i dont know how (stop drinking maybe?) but im determined to do anything for you. I love you so much Shane, you mean everything to me and i love being with you. You make me so happy and i have never felt this way about anyone before in my life. Thank you babe for putting up with me, i love you!! i hope everything here has made scene and i REALLY hope what i wrote down says the right thing and in the way i want it to. Its hard writing my feelings down but its better than keeping it bottled up inside and trying to hold back the tears in front of you, its so hard when something comes up that is bothering me. If you have any questions or need things answered please ask and ill try my best to explain to you. |
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