Helping Others Help Themselves
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pearlrose wrote:
Please help. I need help for my president. We have a couple of families
that are getting food assistance. They are over-ordering, or ordering even
when the children are not in the home for two weeks. The children go back
and forth between parents. Is there anything written that gives the president
a guideline to go by how much a family may need to order?
Next, we have a sister that is very demanding of everybody’s time. She thinks
that RS is suppose to be there as babysitters, clean house, transportation,
to do her bidding at all times. I think she is to go to family first, church
next. Please do not get me wrong. I really believe in helping out, but not
abusing the system. Thank you sisters for your suggestions. You’re wonderful
group. Marianne
Kay Brown
Subject: RS: help with guidelines-long
This is a little long and also covers stepfamilies.
This is always a tough situation. I would first talk
to your Bishop and see what he feels. Bishops will have a wide range of how
this should be handled. There is not a clear cut way to handle this because
each family is different and it's up to the wards in the trenches to decide
what is right for their ward and their families. After talking with the Bishop
and lots of prayer, a plan or strategy could be in put in place. He may speak
with the persons and explain the principles of welfare. This is really his
job. The RS can follow up on his teachings. We are assisting the Bishop in
his welfare duties. We can and should recommend what we feel should be done.
If you decide to cut back on the help do so gently, lovingly, and keep fellow
shipping them. I would teach the welfare principles in a nonjudgmental way.
The words could be like "We are so glad to help you temporally" or some other
way that teaches the principle. I would do this from day one of assistance.
I do have some old guidelines that I could find if you desire that have specific
recommendations of amounts..
Another idea is to call the storehouse and see what they
recommend. Again each storehouse couple that I worked with had slightly different
ideas. Some were strict in the amount and others were whatever! Most have
been in between and erred on the side of compassion and trust the RS presidents
and Bishops to be good stewards.
Another must do is to study the booklets "Church Welfare Resources," "In
the Lord's Own way," & "Spiritual and Temporal Welfare" which is part
of the new handbooks a couple of years ago and includes much of the first
two booklets. In addition there are sections in the RS handbook. Get
really grounded in the principles so you can base your thoughts and recommendations
to the Bishop and the, if necessary, the welfare committee of your ward (this
is a good place to discuss, plan, and coordinate the plan of action).
We have had some experience in this. We had a lady in
our ward who at one time had people going in every day for years. She
had family but were estranged. She did need the help but was also using us.
She was this way for over 20 years. People did cut back and during my time,
I did cut back. She had worn out so many people and her house was so awful,
that many didn't want to help anymore. They felt so guilty. I kept saying
"What about your daughter?" and before my time as president, the daughter
and she had made up somewhat. The daughter could also only take so much of
her. Also her choices were driving me and everyone crazy. Because of
her choices (living in one room, in the dark, never opening her windows, never
doing things that could improve her life for the better, not making her roommate
keep a clean house, etc.) she didn't live a quality life that she could have.
But people do have their choices and so do we.
My personal guideline is this. If my help encourages
them to improve and want to change, then I freely give all. If my help enables
and weakens them, then I use caution. If I decide to give for purely compassionate
reasons, then I let go of all the other stuff and just give without thought.
If I decide to be limited, I do so with love and compassion. They may still
not like it but they can't accuse me of not caring for them.
Another way is to help them help themselves. In the case
of baby-sitters, I get a list of names and encourage THEM to call and make
arrangements. In the case of transportation, I get a list of public transportation
in the areas, and let THEM call and make arrangements. In the case of a clean
house, I would offer to help TEACH her how to clean (we have cleaned many
houses and they just go right back to the same old mess in a matter of days
- disheartening). Teaching would take more work but if she is sincere and
would like to learn, then she will take the offer if her pride doesn't get
in the way. In the case of the one who thinks RS is at her call, teach the
sisters to say no gently. Of course I don't know this family so these
suggestions may not be appropriate but the principle is the same. To encourage
them to help themselves. I have noticed that people who do this as a way of
life, will ALWAYS find someone to manipulate and is a good indicator of their
true thought patterns. They are masters of using our compassionate feelings
and when we don't help them, they know we feel guilty. The people that truly
need the help will grow from the experience and determine to get out of the
mess or if they are disabled will be grateful and not manipulate others.
I would always take the attitude of "We are helping you and someday you will
return the favor and help someone else." In this way we all benefit from
the eternal principles of welfare and is an example of the phrase "one eternal
round."
On a side note about the kids going back between homes,
we have been through this. It is extremely disruptive in the best of homes
and in a weak one it is pure heck. It is emotionally draining, the hearts
never heal in all parties, the adjustments never end, and you feel resentful,
tired, discouraged, depressed. You feel so overwhelmed by the situation that
you can't focus sometimes. I have an excellent little booklet from the Stepfamilies
association that explains the steps that a stepfamily goes through and what
can be done. I wish we had had it. I will be glad to mail it to anyone
that needs it personally OR to understand what a stepfamily is like. It is
different and the mechanics are different. They are hard to understand by
families that led normal lives and seem so put together (I know, every family
has it's challenges).
I hope that I have helped in some way. Please feel free
to email to vent. We need to vent safely without causing contention or a stir
in the circle we serve. I love you all and feel that this is one of the best
resources that I have to help carry out my stewardship.
Thanks for listening, Kay Brown