Jokes and stuff

Jokes

• A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
  The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
  The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."
  She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

• Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.

• One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her friend for help.
  ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
  ''Sally," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

• Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
  "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

• Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road.
  The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
  So they went home.

• Why did the blonde take a ladder to the party?
  She heard the snacks were on the house.

• A young blonde wanted to buy a pair of alligator shoes, so she went to the shoe store.
  When she got there, she asked ''I would like to buy those alligator shoes please'' So the salesman hands her the shoes, and says ''Ok, $1000.99 please'' She asks ''is this a joke?'' And the salesman replies ''Ofcourse not! Ethier buy it or leave!'' So she says frustrated, Ill show you! Ill get my own alligator shoes!'' ''By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'' The salesman laughs. Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
  Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

• A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

• Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. ''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''
  The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.
  ''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.
  ''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.''
  After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.''
  This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!''
  ''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?''

• A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!''
  "Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.
  Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went.
  The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

• What's worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater? A blonde trying to set fire to it.

• Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? So she could use it as a mirror.

• A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
  The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
  As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"
  The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
  The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

• One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy.

  TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

  TOMMY: Yes.

  TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

  TOMMY: Yes.

  TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

  TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

  TEACHER: Did you see God?

  TOMMY: No.

  TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

  A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

  LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

  TOMMY: Yes.

  LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

  TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

  LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

  TOMMY: Yessssss

  LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

  TOMMY: Yes

  LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

  TOMMY: No

  LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

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