Since my last update yesterday, Syd has not improved at all. We cut his phenobarbitol in half to see if that would help him be more alert, but it didn't happen. He's still not had that spark in his eye for about 2-3 days now and he still cannot walk at all. Last night, we didn't realize he had peed on his wee wee pad and when we checked on him, he was freaking out and breathing heavily. My husband cleaned him up and laid down beside him and he fell asleep. All day today, he has just laid around and whined in the morning. All afternoon, I laid with him and he could barely hold his head up and bobs his head like he's losing strength. Our original plan when it came time for Syd to go was to release him at home, then transport him up to K-State for further examination, then they will send him to a crematory. Because my own vet is too understaffed to come out, I called one of my co-worker's vets (who is Syd's daughter's vet) and she was going to come out. But when I talked to her about what to give him as a sedative beforehand to make him relaxed, she was just sounded very short with me on the phone about the whole thing, so I began to have second thoughts. I then called Syd's oncologist at K-State and asked her what I should give him to relax him. She also told me that she had checked further with an internist specializing in neuorology about Syd and he agreed that there is a place in the brain that would allow his front leg to move, he have the ability to urinate/defecate, but not allow him the ability to walk, even though he can use his legs. She said even if they did know that there was a tumor, there is nothing more that can be done. She said she was so sorry that it couldn't have a different ending. She told me to take care and just call before we brought Syd up after euthanizing. She also told me that normally when they see a patient at their last appt, they do what is called a clay paw (which is an impression of your pet's paw that is painted). She said because she didn't think Syd would live too much longer, she went ahead and took an impression of his paw when he was up there this past weekend and would have it for us. I talked with my husband and told him that I wish we could have a compassionate vet help him to cross over and I asked him if it was possible to maybe just give Syd his last car ride and take him to K-State, since it was obvious that they have compassion and love for him. He said that would be good. I called my oncologist back and asked if that would be possible and without hesitating, she was "absolutely". I asked her if we could just dope him up on phenobarbitol so he would be relaxed by the time he arrived and she said yes. I asked if we would have to wait to be seen or would we get in quick. She said no, we wouldn't have to wait, just call to let them know when we are to arrive and they would either come out to the car and put in the catheter and let him go or we could be put into the comfort room that we were in the other day with couches, privacy, etc. I asked if a vet tech would be giving the injection and she said no, it would be the other oncologist that has seen Syd. She said if we were to come up tomorrow, she would be off duty but was planning on coming in to work on some research papers and she asked if we would please page her when we arrive, as she wants to be there. I told her our decision to bring him up to have them euthanize him was because they were the most compassionate and caring vets I have ever met and I cannot say enough about them. With sadness in her voice, she said that Syd was the best rottweiler she had ever worked with at K-State and she was so sorry he was going. I also got a call back from my husband he said he was taking off from work tomorrow to go with me.
In my heart, I know this is the right thing to do although I still want to take him to another specialist to figure out why he cannot walk, since his lung mets aren't too bad. But then part of me thinks that he's not in any obvious pain, just weak and unable to walk and I wouldn't want to live like that myself, especially with as active a dog as he's been all his life. He barely wags his tail anymore and he just has that far away look in his eyes. He did give me and my husband kisses today, but he's not my Syd. I keep thinking that we could give him more time, but who's to say that he will ever get better or that he could even get worse and be in pain if the cancer is spreading. And even if he got better, who knows how long it would be before he develops something else and might be in more pain and has to go through this all over again. I want him to live, but know that now is the time, no matter how much I don't want it to be. I hate playing God. This is so hard. Especially when his lung x-rays turned out to be pretty good. Then I wonder if I would have stayed home last week, if all this would have happened or if it would have changed time. Who knows. It's so confusing since he was wobbly walking overnight Thursday, was alert and wagging his tail on Friday and was being vocal and giving kisses on Saturday morning. Since we got him home, he seems to have gone downhill, which makes me feel guilty that I ever brought him back home. Maybe he's more relaxed here, but it's not relaxed that I'm seeing, it's weakness and giving up. I'm rambling now, so I'll stop.
With that said, Syd will take his last car ride tomorrow morning and be released from his invalid body to cross over to Rainbow Bridge around 1:30pm CDT. Please light some candles to help guide his way and say a few prayers that his crossing will be peaceful. I'll update you how it went when I return home tomorrow afternoon. I would like to thank you for all your support, your continued prayers and good thoughts. I could have never, ever gone this far without your kindness and words of wisdom. Syd put up a good 10 month fight and made it to his 9th birthday, only to fall 1 1/2 months short of his 1st anniversary of his dx of OS. Syd has taught me so much during his journey.....compassion, patience, faith, strength, determination, love and most of all uncondtional love. I hope he knows that I will always love him for all eternity and will definintely see him one glorious day at a place called Rainbow Bridge. How do I know this??? "I Just Gotta BELIEVE" |
