AJ stood at the emergency room doors peeking through the window. He saw people rushing around and lots of commotion. He didn’t know what to do, his body was completely numb, he couldn’t move. He had a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. Tears started streaming down his face, one right after the other. He couldn’t stop them.
"Please don’t let it be my Angel", he whispered.
It was killing him not knowing what was going on. His heart beating wildly, echoing in his ears, was all he could hear. He couldn’t hear the commotion inside, he couldn’t hear his friends trying to offer him support, nothing. All he could hear was the sound of his heart beating out of his chest in the otherwise hollow sounding room. His breathing consistently becoming more labored, almost like someone was squeezing his lung. He didn’t even notice Kevin walk up behind him. Just saw a hand on his shoulder.
"Come on, man, why don’t you come sit down".
AJ pushed his hand away. "I don’t want to sit down, Kev. You go sit down."
Kevin let out a deep sigh. He knew it sounded assanine, he knew that there was nothing he could do to ease the pain that AJ was experiencing. Still, he didn’t move. He remained right there, behind AJ, just to be there, for him.
He knew AJ all too well. He was never the type that admitted when he needed someone, he showed it in his actions. The never ending tears streaming down AJ’s face were enough in themselves to let Kevin know how much agony AJ was in.
"Kev?"
AJ’s whisper startled him. He barely heard him at all.
"Yeah?" He stepped closer.
"What’s a Code Blue? What does it mean?"
AJ didn’t turn around, not wanting to tear his eyes away from the room where Dawn was. When Kevin didn’t answer, he turned to look at him. It was so quiet, he wasn’t even sure if Kevin was still there.
"What is it, Kevin? Do you know?"
Kevin did know, but he didn’t want AJ to know. He wished someone would come out of the room and they would find out that it was not for Dawn, but nobody did. AJ remained still, staring at Kevin, waiting for an answer.
"AJ, we don’t even know if it was for Dawn …"
"Damn it, Kevin! Will you just tell me!!"
Kevin took a deep breath.
"It means that someone stopped breathing".
AJ just stood staring at Kevin, unable to say or do anything except shake his head.
"No," he choked out as he finally broke his gaze from Kevin and turned back towards the emergency room. He was shaking uncontrollably.
Kevin stepped closer to him and put his hand on his shoulder once again.
"No, it’s not Dawn. It can’t be," AJ stated.
"AJ…"
"Kevin, don't. It’s not Dawn, do you hear me?"
He turned to face him again, this time, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince Kevin.
"She’s not gonna die,you got that?" His bottom lip quivered as he said it.
He couldn’t hold it in any longer, he lost all control of his emotions. He buried his face in his hands as he leaned up against the wall and sobbed.
Kevin walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. This time, he didn’t push Kevin away.
"She can’t die, Kevin. She just can’t. I can’t live without her, I love her so much," he said between sobs.
Kevin didn’t know what to say. Nothing he could say would comfort AJ much in this situation. He felt so helpless. He had always played the big brother of the group, especially where AJ was concerned because he had so badly needed and wanted the male influence in his life, since his father left when he was very young.
It was taking everything Kevin had in him not to cry himself. He had known Dawn for a long time. He had been there since the beginning, helping her and AJ through some of their problems at the start of their relationship. He had known since the get go that AJ and Dawn were meant for each other.
It all seemed so long ago when Dawn was in his living room sobbing because her and AJ had made love for the first time and the realization of her feelings for him terrified her. She wasn’t scared for herself, but scared that she would end up hurting AJ. It seemed like a lifetime ago, so much had happened.
Dawn and AJ had so many wonderful things together, the best of which included his Goddaughter. Their love was stronger and more intense than any he had ever seen or could even comprehend. It couldn’t end now…she couldn’t die.
The more he thought about it, the harder he had to fight his tears, but he wouldn’t let himself cry, not now, not here, for AJ’s sake. AJ needed someone strong right now, and as he looked back at Nick trying to calm D down, he knew he was it.
"I didn’t even get a chance to talk to her, to tell her how much I love her." AJ’s whimper snapped him out of his trance. "We were fighting, she hated me….I can’t let her go. I can’t let things go like that, I have to tell her…." AJ choked out, his body limp in Kevin’s arms.
"You listen to me", Kevin took AJ by the shoulders and looked him in the eye. "Dawn is not going to die. She is strong, she’s been through so much, you both have been through so much. She knows you love her, all couples fight."
"But not like we did, Kevin. What I said to her, that the baby wasn’t mine…..I had no right, I was out of line."
"You just let your emotions take over and you said what you felt. That doesn’t mean she thinks you don’t love her."
"But I wanna tell her one last time. I have to, Kev. I want to feel her hand in mine, I want to kiss her again. I’ll never forgive myself if she dies and I left things the way they were".
AJ glanced over towards D and Nick. Just then, D looked up and her teary eyes met with AJ’s. She stood up and slowly walked towards him. He didn’t know what she was going to say to him, right now, he couldn’t take anymore verbal assaults from her.
As she neared him, her tears started flowing again, just as AJ’s did. She held out her arms as she neared him and pulled him into a tight hug. They both stood, sobbing on each other’s shoulders.
"I’m so sorry, for everything I said", D said between sobs.
"It’s not important right now", he choked out. "If Dawn dies, nothing is important".
"Please don’t say that, she’s not going to die. Don’t think that way."
"But what if she does, D?" He sniffled. "I can’t live without her, she’s my whole life".
D didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to think that way, but she had to prepare herself for the worst.
"You have to be strong, for Arianna. She’ll need you," she whispered.
"I can’t do it, D. I’m not that strong…." He broke away from her and slowly turned his back, looking back towards the emergency room.
"J, listen to me." She stepped closer to him. "You’re a lot stronger than you think you are."
He just shook his head.
"When are they gonna come out here and say something??!" He stood in front of the doors with his hands in his pockets.
He was still shaking and his heart was still beating wildly.
"Why does it always take something like this to make me realize what she means to me?" He asked, to no one in particular.
"Don’t do this to yourself," D walked over and linked her arm with his. "She knows you love her, regardless of how the last couple of months have been".
"I’ll never forgive myself".
He seemed to be in his own little world, not really paying any attention to what she was saying.
"I need to see her, talk to her.."
"You will...soon".
She laid her head against his arm, feeling his tense body shaking beside hers. She looked up at him and saw the tears start to trickle down his face once again. She reached up and gently wiped them away. He brought his eyes down and met hers. She mustered a little smile that he tried to reciprocate.
Just then, the emergency room doors opened and Dawn’s doctor appeared. AJ and D froze, Kevin and Nick ran over to where they were standing as the doctor approached them.
AJ couldn’t say a word,he just studied the doctor’s face. He looked exhausted. He had never seen a doctor look so drained in all his life.
‘Doctor’s aren’t supposed to look like that’, hethought to himself. ‘Unless...’
"Oh God", he said aloud as the doctor neared.
They all just stood looking at the doctor, waiting to see what he was going to say.
"Mr. McLean," he began.
"Uh huh", AJ forced out, over the lump in his throat.
"We’ve run into some complications. Dawn had an allergic reaction to the medication we gave her…"
"So that Code Blue was for her?" D asked.
Doctor Allen looked from D to Kevin, then, finally, to AJ.
"Yes, it was".
"Oh God", AJ gasped as tears instantly started spilling down his cheeks once again. "Please, tell me she’s okay. Please", he begged as D clutched his arm.
"The reaction she had was more severe than most we see. She stopped breathing for a short time. Her heart actually stopped beating for close to a half a minute. We also had to counteract the medication she had the reaction to with a different one. We got her stabalized, though."
"So, she’s okay? The baby’s okay?" AJ asked, hopeful.
"Dawn is still unconscious, but, yes, both her and the baby are fine now. We are closely monitoring them both and will continue to do so for the next couple of days. We are very limited on what kinds of medication we can give her because she is pregnant."
"But, she’s going to make it, right?" AJ asked, still unsure of what the doctor was saying. Nothing seemed to register in his mind.
"The next twenty four hours are very crucial. A lot can happen in that time. We will continue to do everything we can to make sure both Dawn and the baby pull through this."
"Doctor Allen, I don’t mean to sound disrespectful, I know you’re doing your best, given the situation, but what you’re telling me isn’t very reassuring...it sounds like she may not make it. Is that what you’re saying?" AJ asked.
"What I am saying is that she’s not out of the woods yet. However, right now, it looks like she’ll pull through just fine."
"What about the surgery", Kevin asked. "Did you do what you needed to do? Did you remove the ovary?"
"Yes, we did. Thankfully, we were able to get it removed before any of this happened."
"Can I see her, now?" AJ asked impatiently.
"Yes, you can see her, but remember, she is still unconscious and may be so for awhile yet."
"That’s okay, I just need to see her. I promise, I’ll be quiet. I just want her to know that I’m there."
Doctor Allen smiled at him.
"She’ll know you’re there. I can see how much you love her, and I’m sure she knows that, too. That will help pull her through".
"I just….want to tell her. I want to be the first thing she sees when she wakes up."
"She’s in ICU right now. I’ll take you there, one at a time, though."
AJ looked back at his friends. Kevin patted him on the shoulder and urged him to go. He turned to Nick, then to D who gave him a tight hug.
"You go, and tell her that we’re all out here waiting for her to get better," she whispered.
"I will. Thanks". He pulled away from her and followed after the doctor.
As he quietly entered Dawn’s room, he tried not to look around at all the machines she was hooked up to. He hated hospitals. It seemed that every time he was in one, it was something life threatening, and it was for Dawn.
He walked over to her and stood over her bed. He looked at her limp, pale body lying so helpless in the bed and he felt the tears start to build up again. He fought them back, not wanting to break down again, just in case Dawn woke up. He knew the doctor said it might be awhile, but anything was possible.
He pulled up a chair next to her bed and sat down. He watched her chest rise and fall with every breath she took. It almost seemed like the machine she was hooked up to was helping her breathe. She looked so fragile lying there. He was almost afraid to touch her.
He rested his elbows on his knees and
his head head on his hands as he continued to just stare at her. The soft beeping in the
background caught his attention as he turned his head to look at it.
There were two machines making the sounds. One was monitoring her heartbeat, the
other, monitoring the baby. His eyes drifted from one monitor to the other.
"God, I almost lost everything", he whispered to himself.
He turned his attention back to Dawn. He longed to touch her. He couldn’t hold back any longer, he reached over and gently took her hand in his.
"Angel, baby, I’m
here," he forced out over the lump in his throat. "I’ll always be here.
I’m so sorry".
He rubbed her hand against his cheek as a teardrop slowly slid down.
"I’m sorry for what I said to you. I love you so much. You’ve gotta pull through this……please come back to me".
He gently kissed her hand and brought it back down to the bed. He looked down at her engagement ring. He remembered back to the moment he presented her with it two years ago…in their new house. A house that they thought they wouldn’t get because someone had already put a bid in on it.
The house was absolutely perfect. Dawn fell in love with it immediately. She was heartbroken when they learned that it seemed to be sold. Nothing they looked at after that seemed to measure up. AJ was determined to get that house for Dawn. He didn’t care what he had to do.
Luckily, he didn’t have to do much. When he went back to talk with the realtor, he was told that the previous bid had fallen through and the house was available. He didn’t hesitate for a second. He bought the house, but didn’t tell Dawn what he had done.
One night he took her to the house, telling her that it turned out that he knew the people that bought the house and he was watching over it for them while they were out of town. He remembered with a small chuckle that Dawn was so mad at him for taking her there, thinking the house belonged to someone else.
While she was upstairs, admiring the rooms, he had lit candles all around the living room and spread rose petals on the floor . When he brought her downstairs, he surprised her with the keys to the house, finally telling her that the house was theirs. He had never seen Dawn as happy as she was that night.
He closed his eyes and thought back to
the moment when he proposed. He could feel the warm candles all around him, the sweet
smell of the lilac fragrance lingering through the room, the most intense feelings rushing
through his body. Half giddyness, half fear that she would turn him down.
He remembered everything about that night. He even remembered his exact words as he
knelt down on one knee in front of Dawn and presented her with the ring.
"Ever since you've come back into my life, I haven't been able to think about anything else but you. You have changed my life in ways I never thought possible. You are my heart and my soul. I can't imagine life without you and I don't ever want to. I don't want to be with anyone else, ever. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be the one that makes you happy for the rest of your life...will you marry me?"
The look on Dawn’s face was something he would never forget as long as he lived. The happiness, the shock...the love. Tears streamed down her cheeks as accepted his proposal. He remembered slipping the ring, that seemed to fit so perfectly, onto her trembling finger. He pulled her into his arms as they both held each other tight and cried tears of joy. He remembered it all, like it was just yesterday.
The beeping monitors suddenly broke him from his trance. He opened his eyes and looked up at Dawn with tears in his eyes, the reality of everything hitting him like a ton of bricks.
"Angel, I’m so sorry I haven’t done what I promised you...make you happy for the rest of your life. I’ve let you down so many times. Please, give me the chance to make things better, to make it up to you. I promise, I won’t let you down this time...I swear, just please, come back to me."
He lay his head down next to her arm, still clutching her hand.
From everything that had happened that day, he was exhausted. His eyelids began to get heavy. He slowly drifted off to sleep.