Okay, lately I have heard a few comments about lawyers because that is what Penn the GlassWalker does as an occupation.  While the jokes mainly center on "Oh my god, a lawyer in Ayenee... I guess they are as bad as cockroaches", I thought I would share with you some of my favorite lawyer jokes.  I present 50 of the short ones here for you in no particular order.  If you come across one you think I should add here, email it to me by clicking here or leave it in the Guestbook.

Funnily enough, the Tribal Totem of the GlassWalkers is the cockroach... so a lawyer in Ayenee shouldn't really be surprising...

I've marked my favorites in yellow and slapped a back to top or back to library link every ten jokes.  Enjoy!!
 

1. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
                A: A good start!

2. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
                A: His lips are moving.

3. Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
                A. Their personalities.

4. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
                A: Professional courtesy.

5. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
                A: Not enough sand.

6. Q. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
                A. Your Honour.

7. Q. What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
                A. His partner

8. Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
                A. A waste of cement.

9. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
                A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
                A2: Take your foot off his head.
                A3: Don't know? Good!

10. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
                A: Cut the rope.
 

11. Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
                A1: Back over him to make sure he's dead.
                A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

12. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of s***?
                A: The bucket.

13. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
                A. In the cemetery.

14. Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
                A. Deep down they're good people.

15. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
                A: An offer you can't understand.

16. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
                A. From chasing parked ambulances.

17. Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
                A. A doberman.

18. Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
                A. They get so much practice screwing people.

19. Q: What do you call 100 Lawyers Skydiving?
                A: Skeet!

20. Q: What do you call a lawyer with a conscience?
                A: Unemployed.
 

21. Q. What do you do if you see 100 lawyers lying dead on the floor of a room?
                A. Stop laughing and re-load.

22. Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
                A: As many as you can afford.

23. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
                A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

24. Q. What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
                A. They each have about one chance in ten million of ever becoming a human being.

25. Q. What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
                A. A hooker will stop f***ing you when you're dead.

26. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
                A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

27. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
                A: Stick his bill up his ass.

28. Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
                A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

29. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
              A: One is a mean spirited vicious blood sucking bastard feeding of it's helpless prey until it has drained them dry.
                  The other is hungry.

30. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
                A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
 

31. Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
                A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

32. Q. What's the difference between lawyers and sharks?
                A. You're safe from sharks as long as you stay on land.

33. Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
                A. Chelsea Clinton

34. Q Why does New Jersey have all the hazardous and nuclear waste dumps and California have all the lawyers?
                A New Jersey had first choice.

35. Q:  Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
                A:  If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
                    Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
                    When they land, they screw up everything forever.

36. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
                He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

37. Q: What is the definition of a shame (sarcastically of course, as in "that's a shame")?
                A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

38. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
                A: There was an empty seat.

39. Q: If you driving along a road in Iraq and on one side of the road is Saddam Hussein and on the other side of the road is a lawyer, who do you run over first?
                A: Saddam. Business before pleasure.
 

40. Q: You are in a room with Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and a lawyer. You have a gun and only two bullets. Who do you shoot?
                A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.

41. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

42. A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business, when he stepped out of his Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow dropping. Looking down he cried out "My God I'm melting!"

43. An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

44. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.

45. Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
                A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

46. There were these two lawyers walking through the woods talking, when all of the sudden they come across a very hungry bear. So one of the lawyers opens up his briefcase takes off his shoes and puts on tennis shoes.

"You actually think you are going to outrun that bear?", says the other lawyer.

"No", the first lawyer says softly. "I only have to outrun you."  (every time I read this one I think of Teller for some reason...)

47. The Pope and a lawyer both died on the same day and arrived at the pearly gates. St Peter showed the Pope to a rather seedy hotel around the back streets of Heaven then showed the lawyer to a luxury penthouse with pool and beautiful girls a-plenty. The lawyer said "Why did the pope only get the seedy hotel when I get this?" St Peter replied "Popes are two a penny up here but we've never had a lawyer before!"

48. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

49. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

50. A lawyer is on his death bed and a friend visits him and sees him madly flipping thorough the bible. The friend asked the lawyer what he was doing and the lawyer replied "Looking for a loophole!"