Title: Time in your mind
Author: Adalisa
Email: [email protected]

Feedback: I love it. It's inspiring... and let's face it, it's the only real reason to keep writing.
Distribution: Mama Chelle's site, XanderSlash's site and my site. Anywhere else, just ask. I won't say no.
Web site: http://members.tripod.com/luxshine/

Summary: Angel and Xander start dealing with the fact that there are no secrets between them, and with their feelings for each other.
Rating: R

Disclaimer: Everyone here is property of Joss Wheldon, Warner Bros. And another bunch of people. But they keep treating them bad, so I play with them.
Content: X/A (Now that I think of it... it's the only thing I write in this fandom...)
Spoilers: Prophecy Girl, The Zeppo, Helpless, Bad Girls
Notes: Sequel to Quiet Minds. // means telepathy. Oh, and I just saw 'The Prom' and got to hate Buffy, so don't be surprised to find anti-Buffy and anti-Willow thoughts here.

Angel woke slowly, trying to get a feeling of his surroundings. He was not in the familiar darkened room of the mansion, but in his old, more dear apartment that he had abandoned when Angelus took his place. And he was not alone.

//morning love//

Xander's drowsy voice came to his mind, as easily as if he had thought the words. So easily, that he could almost believe that it was just a figment of his imagination if it wasn't because Xander himself was smiling at him, cuddled in his arms.

"More like night. We slept all day." Angel answered, still a little confused by the mental talk. Sure, he had been the one who started it, when it was the only way to convince Xander that he was loved, but now that there were no immediate threats...

"Except from Giles trying to use us as guinea pigs and dissect our brains." Xander smiled as he finished Angel's thought out loud, but his smile died quickly on his lips as he heard the vampire's next idea.

//this is going to take some time to get used to...//

"If... you want, we could ask Giles or someone else to help us... to see if there is any way to undo the link." Xander's voice didn't sound as sorrowful as last night, but even so his fear of rejection wasn't ignored by Angel. It would have been there in plain sight even without their linked minds.

"I would never ask that." Angel said out loud at the same time he thought of all the happy moments he had shared with Xander. Most of them were of last night, when all the barriers of their most hidden feelings had fallen down, and they had finally been able to confess their love for the other.

"I can't believe you feel this way." Xander blushed, allowing his own memories of the vampire's cold lips overlap with Angel's memories of his own warm flesh. It was a curious experience, to feel not only what was being done to his body, but also what he did to the other. "I always thought you loved Buffy more than everything else."

"I thought that too, until I faced the possibility of loosing you." Leaning down, Angel kissed Xander tenderly, unwilling to part from his side. "It was only then when I realized that you were the most brave, noble and loyal person I had ever met."

"I knew that I loved you when I saw you kneeling in front of Buffy's almost dead body." The announcement was received with some surprise. That was the only memory that Xander hadn't tried to dismiss during Angel's mental cheering up. It was the only memory in which Xander had to admit that he had been needed. "I saw you, so... broken... that I had to try and save her, just because I couldn't see you sad"

"Then why didn't you say anything?" The vampire was confused, when a sudden flow of all the times they had been at odds, be it because of Buffy, or just because, hit him. All the times Xander had antagonized him, all the times he had turned to his gameface just to force the teenager to get his point. "Oh."

"I am a teenager. How was I supposed to deal with the fact that I'm in love with an undead _man_ who tried to destroy the world?" Now the mortal's voice had more confidence, as the little trip through memory-lane had made him understand much more about the vampire.

Mostly because he was _in_ Angel's mind, pretty much as Angel was in his, and they were the only ones there. As Xander had always suspected, Angelus wasn't an alien presence in the vampire's mind. It was a natural part of it, entwined with the others.

Only dimmed by a strong feel of guilt. The same guilt that had almost drove Xander to kill himself.

"What are we going to do now?" As Angel words did not echo what the vampire was really thinking, Xander indulged his beloved. Not lover. Not yet. The emotions over-load had been too much last night for them to cope with it all. "We have to go out at some time... Sooner or Later Giles will tell everybody about last night, and they'll come looking for us."

"We could lie." //not that they'll ask _me_//

//stop that// "Tell them that it wore off?" Angel shook his head. "Xander, we finish each other's sentences before we finish thinking them... I'm sure they will notice."

"We could try not to..." The mortal ventured. "I really don't want to be explaining Buffy how all this happened..."

"...Or having her questioning for my actions." As soon as the words left his mouth, Angel shook his head, chuckling as he did it. "I'm not sure I can stop it, Xander. Having you here... it just seems so _right_."

They leaned in for another kiss, their hunger for contact too big to be ignored. It had scared them at first, when their feelings were bare for the other to see, how much they needed that touch, that assurance that they were indeed together in body as they were in mind. But after one night of shared thoughts, one day of shared dreams, it was quickly becoming natural.

After all, they lived in the Hellmouth. One learned very quickly to take things as they came.

The ring of the bell made them part, surprised. As no one had come to bother them while they slept, they never thought that they would have visitors.

With great difficulty, as he didn't want to loose physical contact with Xander, Angel rose from the bed. He was almost only in his jeans, but he grabbed his leather jacket just before heading to the front door.

//you look great like that//

Angel smiled as Xander's voice entered his mind. Even when the thought hadn't formed fully, he had been afraid that their silent communication would be dimmed by distance. Sure, the few feet and walls between them were not much, but knowing that he didn't have to see Xander to be able to talk with him made him feel better.

//love you too//

Angel was still smiling, feeling the warmth of Xander's feelings, when he open the door to meet Buffy's annoyed face.

"Buffy..."

"Where have you been?" Buffy interrupted, before he could say anything at all. "I've been worried sick after Giles said that you _threatened_ him! I... I went to the mansion, and you weren't there, and then I had to go to school..." As she spoke, she walked inside the apartment without waiting for his invitation. "God, Angel... I thought something had happened to you!" She finished, turning to see him, anguish written in her face. As he had followed her, mostly to avoid that she entered the bedroom to find Xander, he couldn't walk away as she hugged him. "I couldn't bear to lose you again."

Hearing her words, Angel wanted nothing more than drive her away, to treat her as he had done when he had been free of the curse.

//don't. don't make her suffer more...//

//you're too noble xander//

"I'm fine, Buffy..." he began, softening his accusing voice. He couldn't deny Xander that favor, but he couldn't stop his anger at the Slayer's selfishness. "If you talked to Giles, you should know that it wasn't me the one in danger last night."

"But... Angel..." her voice sounded close to a whine. Why he had put up with her for so long?

//because you loved her and when you saw her you saw heaven. or something like it.// Xander reminded him, his voice painted with worry as Angel's thoughts were starting to turn into real anger against the Slayer. //don't leash out at her now... at least wait until the troubles with the mayor are over.//

//i... all right. i love you.// "Buffy... Xander tried to kill himself last night." Angel said instead of the biting comment he had in his mind. "Didn't Giles told you that? Didn't anyone checked if he was in his house?"

"I... I was worried about you, Angel... And I would have noticed if Xander hadn't been at school today."

Hearing Buffy's words, both men could see the neon question marks that had appeared in their minds. "Did you see Xander today at school?"

"Well... no..." Buffy hesitated. Sure, Giles had mentioned something about Xander when he talked to her that morning, but she had simply filed that away. It was more important to see if Angel was all right..."Cordelia said that she saw him with Peter O'Toole... we've been trying to tell him that those friendships could get him in trouble..."

"That was yesterday, Buffy. Giles told me that too." Angel barely contained his anger while speaking. More accurately, Xander's soft presence was the only thing that could soothe it. "Last night he came very closely to kill himself because he wasn't protected by the ritual against the Hellmouth's influence, and he had been at the school while we fought the demon, keeping Peter O'Toole and other three zombies from making the school blow up..."

//don't tell her about the link, please angel//

//i won't my love. i promise//

Buffy had paled hearing that, as she reviewed mentally what Giles had told her just before she decided to look for Angel in all the places she knew he frequented. "He... he never told us... He said that he had stayed at home..."

"It seems that Xander rarely says what's in his mind"

//hey!//

//it's true love. you might talk a lot, you might be the king of sarcasm, but you rarely tell us what you think... out loud.//

"Giles said something about you... hearing his thoughts, is that true?" Buffy was frowning, as she was finally putting together all the pieces of the puzzle. Angel sighed mentally. When Buffy finally understood that some people needed her, she got more interested in said people. "Where is Xander?"

"Yes, it was true. He is asleep." Angel answered, his tone tired. "We were linked until this morning, when the effect disappeared. He might wake up in a couple of hours."

"God... that must have been awful..." Buffy kissed Angel's lips, unfazed by the vampire's lack of answer.

"Look, Buffy... why don't you go to the Bronze and we will go as soon as Xander feels a little better."

"Are you sure?" She was smiling, so he knew that even if he wasn't sure, she would go. "I mean... Xander... well, he really doesn't like you..."

//no, he loves you// Xander's mental interruption made Angel chuckle, and Buffy looked at him, puzzled. "We came to an understanding last night... we only had a bad misunderstanding going on."

"Well..." Buffy let herself be lead to the door, and Angel indulged her with a kiss on her cheek. "Just remind him that no one messes with my boyfriend. See you later, tell him we're glad that everything went all right."

"Sure." With a last kiss, something that Angel was starting to hate, she was gone.

//why do you keep helping her? why don't you tell her to fuck off// The vampire was truly amazed at the calm in with which Xander had tried to defend Buffy from a heartbreak. After all what had happened he didn't expect Xander to be so...

//stupid?// Xander finished, as he came out of the room, to wrap the vampire in his arms. "She is my friend and before all this happened, she was never mean to me and... well, she risks her life to save the town, it's the least I can do."

"You think you're ready to face the others?"

As he relaxed in Xander's warm arms, Angel marveled over the ease with which his anger dissipated as soon as he was with Xander. It was a wonderful feeling, to have the beauty of the mortal's being touching his own.

"I'm fine." Xander nibbled the vampire's ear, shuddering as he felt the arousal he caused in Angel. "I... I think we can fool them if we're careful."

It ended up being easier than they thought it could be. Whenever they slipped and finished the other's sentences, they simply chalked it up to the temporary sharing of memories and that was it. No one in the Scooby Gang asked more questions. Once, Willow had wondered why people in Sunnydale believed the most far fetched stories to explain what happened around the Hellmouth... now both Angel and Xander knew that it applied to everyone. When you wanted to believe something, you did it without questioning.

Since Angel was still unofficially dating Buffy, he and Xander had little time alone. At first they had been worried over it, mostly because the un-compatible sleep schedules, but after the first week they discovered that when one was asleep, the link became somewhat dormant... and that their sleep schedules were starting to change. Angel was now waking up earlier everyday, and Xander couldn't quite get to sleep until past midnight. Thankfully the sessions of research with the Scooby Gang had prepared the young boy for the last two years, so his studies were not hindered by it. In fact, as Angel couldn't go out from the Mansion until the sun set, he mentally helped Xander to study.

In two weeks, they learned to live in the company of the other at every moment. There was no way to block, shield or dim the link, but both of them did an effort not to pick in the other's memories. Feelings, emotions and sensations were always present for both, but for some reason, they could separate what was from Angel and what was from Xander. Both believed it was because of the circumstances in which the link had been discovered, but it really didn't matter much. Especially as things were about to take a turn to the worst.

Xander left the library with a smile in his face. He had been helping Giles to sort a new batch of books that had arrived while the librarian talked with Buffy's new Watcher, mostly in hopes to find any information in telepathy. So far, he had only found theories, but nothing that could be applied to his and Angel's situation. Still, he was happy. They had taken their tests for College that morning and, even when he was not one of the top students, he was confident he had made a good grading. After all, now he had a reason to give his best. He had Angel.

//but still, you're worried.// The vampire's thoughts were still a little blurred, and a quick glance to his clock told Xander the reason. It was just 5:00 p.m.

//it's too early for you to be awake.// Of course, he knew that little attempt of changing a subject wouldn't work with his beloved, but it was worth a try.

//no, it's not. and i wanted to know about your test, that's why i woke up earlier. now, why are you worried?//

//...buffy...//

As soon as he thought the Slayer's name, he felt Angel's anger. In the last days he had noticed how the vampire grew more and more frustrated at being with his blonde friend, and the bouts of anger grew in intensity. Xander wanted to talk about it to Angel, but they never quite found the time or the will to face that yet.

//why you keep worrying about her? she doesn't even noticed when you had troubles//

//angel... she left with faith before the test started... and last night they were tracking some demon...// As he got near the apartment's door, he began projecting the times where Buffy had been selfless, a good friend. Sure, they were few, but in Xander's mind, powerful enough to make Angel see his point. //that's why i'm worried, she can take the test other day.// "And Faith is not very stable" he continued out loud, as he walked inside the apartment right into Angel's arms, trying to soothe the jealous flare that the new slayer's name always presented in Angel's mind.

"I still can't believe I would be so possessive about you, Xander..." Smiling, Angel leaned down and caught the mortal's mouth, exploring it with his cold passion. "... I shouldn't be jealous for something that was so special for you."

"Everytime I think of what Buffy and you did, I want to kill her." Xander confessed, as they walked out of the hall and into the bedroom. "And it goes the same for Darla, Drusilla... and every single lover that you remember." They sat together in Angel's bed, and Xander smiled, his brown chocolate eyes flashing with love.

//but you're the only one in my mind//

//as you are. so we can stop being jealous of the past, can't we?//

"I'm not jealous of Faith..." Angel's voice carried a confidence that was not mirrored in his mind. But the hate that the name of the young Slayer caused inside the vampire was buried deep in his mind, so Xander couldn't sense it. He only hear a faint echo of anger. "I just wish she hadn't used you... Your first time should have been with some one who loves you."

"Like you." It was not a question, it was a simple statement which carried all their feelings in two words. It was a perfect way that avoided all misunderstandings.

More important, it was theirs.

//but we cannot//

The thought came from both their minds, so perfectly that they couldn't tell who had thought it first.

They knew it was not possible for them to give in to the passion that they felt, because they couldn't know what consequences it could bring to them.

One name was the main reason, a word following it close.

Angelus.

Curse.

Angel didn't want to risk Xander's mind to what he knew Angelus could think, could feel.

Xander didn't want to make his lover face the truth about himself.

So instead of facing their desire, they found in the other the strength to push it down.

"So you want me to check what Buffy and Faith found out that was so important that made our _responsible_ friend to leave school early?" After a long pause, Angel found words to express himself. They were not very fond of mind speak if they could avoid it. Even when they couldn't be more close to each other, they liked to hear the other's voice. So when they were together, and not speaking, they simply let the warmth of their feelings touch themselves.

Great for their relationship, but not very good when they needed to talk.

"Just in case we're missing the Apocalypse again..." Xander joked. Even when the fact that his "friends" hadn't thought it was necessary to tell him about the Hellmouth opening still hurt him, he was thankful for that. After all, if it wasn't for it, he and Angel would still be alone in their minds.

//i don't think i could stand that anymore. i cannot imagine to live again in that silence//

"Neither could I, Xander." Angel kissed his young beloved's forehead, smiling. "I'd rather face the sun... I'll go and check Buffy. You try to sleep. There are still some more tests you have to take."

Xander smiled, and thought his good-bye, as Angel left the building, before closing his eyes and try to sleep, knowing fully well that Angel would need to be absolutely concentrated in whatever danger Buffy was facing.

He didn't know that it was going to be the last time when he would be able to see Angel in a long time.

To be continued...