Title: Demon in our mind.
Author: Adalisa
Email: [email protected]
Feedback: I love it. It's inspiring... and let's face it, it's the only
real reason to keep writing.
Distribution: Mama Chelle's site, XanderSlash's site and my site. Anywhere
else, just ask. I won't say no.
Web site: http://members.tripod.com/luxshine/
Summary: Xander and Angel have to face the truth about themselves.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Everyone here is property of Joss Wheldon, Warner Bros.
And another bunch of people. But they keep treating them bad, so I play
with them.
Content: X/A (No surprises here :))
Series: Quiet Minds
Spoilers: Prophecy Girl, The Zeppo, Helpless, Bad Girls, Enemies,
Notes: Sequel to Time in your mind. // Means telepathy.
Xander stood outside the mansion, not sure if he wanted to come in or stay out. Ever since Angel had gone to check what was going on between Buffy and Faith... ever since Faith had killed the Mayor's secretary, they hadn't seen each other. What was worse, the mind link was dimmed. When he was awake, Angel was asleep and vice versa.
In short, it was starting to worry Xander.
It wasn't that he doubted that Angel loved him. Nothing could make him doubt about Angel's feelings. But he was very worried about Angel's state of mind.
There was something that had been bugging him since the day before when he had tried to talk to Faith. The soreness in his neck reminded him the basic thing that had gone wrong, since the psychopath slayer had tried to strangle him. He could have died if it wasn't because of Angel, who had been just in time to stop the maniac Faith and clobbered her with a bat. Unfortunately, Xander had passed out from lack of oxygen and thus, he had missed his chance to talk with the vampire.
It was near noon now, and he could half-feel Angel in his mind. However, his not-lover was too confused and troubled to acknowledge Xander's nearness.
That couldn't be good.
If something was worrying the vampire, Xander didn't want to make things worse, but he was not going to let everybody push him aside.
Carefully, not wanting to intrude, he let himself be drawn into Angel's turmoil, just as his beloved had done to understand Xander's depression so many weeks ago.
First, he saw Buffy while the Slayer tried mightily to make her relationship with Angel at least pretend it was a normal thing. Then he saw Faith, trying to make him loose control, change him into the Slayer's enemy... And in the most hidden part of Angel's mind, Xander could see the vampire's wish to take that escape, to allow it to happen so he would not be forced to face the truth.
Just as he decided to stop whatever that was going on, shock and surprise filled his mind. Angel was seeing someone he did not recognize, a man with blue face... And then Xander's mind was filled with pain, a burning sensation that swept his mind and pulled his soul in a painful icy grip.
The word swirled, and turned black.
Xander came to his senses, to find himself face to face with the blue man he had seen through Angel's eyes. He tried to move away, but his movements were slowed by pain.
"I offer my apologies." The man said, and Xander blinked. Almost blindly he reached out to Angel, but the pain blocked him away once more. As terrifying as it was, he could not hear Angel's presence... It was almost as if he was alone again. "This is my fault."
"Wha...What are you talking about?... Who are you?" Then, as the image of blue lighting surrendering Angel came to his mind, his surprise turned to anger. "What did you do to Angel?!!"
"I was summoned to take the human soul inhabiting that body, and the Watcher asked me to remove the demon plaguing it instead." The blue man answered, regret painting every word. "I was not aware of the truth of the situation... Please, accept my apolo..."
"What do you mean with 'the truth of the situation'?!! Where's Angel?!" Ignoring the pain, Xander stood to his feet, grabbing a the man from his tunic. His anger was welling up in his mind, and in it, Xander knew that he could kill the blue faced one. If he had hurt Angel, he might even enjoy it.
"Your minds entwined... his soul whole..." The man said, his blue eyes not leaving Xander's. "There was no soul to take from the human... no demon to exorcise. The one called Angelus is both at the same time. Taking one part away would have killed the other..."
"Ki... killed?" The blue man arched an eyebrow, obviously surprised that the statement about the demon's soul hadn't been the cause for Xander's shock. He had barely sensed the connection between the immortal and the mortal when he had scanned the vampire's body in his ill-fated attempt to fulfill his promise to the human Watcher but he hadn't suspected that it was so deep. Or that the human knew what he had just discovered. "What did you do to him?"
"He is unharmed. I apologize to you for the pain.. I mistook your soul for a demon..." Now the blue marbles were cast down. "My meddling seem to have affected your connection to him."
"No kidding..." Xander sit down again, trying once more to at least find out where Angel was only to be rewarded by a new bout of pain. This time it was less intense, but the young man supposed it was because he hadn't actually sent a thought in Angel's direction. "What did you do to us?"
The blue man sighed, and with the same formal tone that he had used before, he began to explain.
Xander ran to the street where he was almost sure that he would find Angel, just stopping to catch his breath. What the blue demon had told him still rang in his ears, making him shiver with fear.
When the demon tried to exorcise Angelus, he had created a barrier of pain in both their minds. Since Xander was the mortal one, he took the brunt of pain every time he tried to reach the barrier. This wall was made up with Angel's fears of becoming a soulless demon and Xander's self doubts... what the blue man mistook for the demon inside Angelus' mind, and the only way to break it would be facing those fears.
Of course, he could ignore it, get on with his life, and never again feel the warmth of Angel's thoughts brush his own.
No. That was not an option.
That was why despite the pain, he was trying to locate Angel, to tell him the truth and try and fix things before the barrier grew.
Of course, he did not expected to see Angel walking side by side with Faith, with a cat who had eaten the canary grin.
There was a buzz in his head, and for a second, he could almost hear Angel again.
//xander... away... now...//
Trying not to show what he had heard, Xander put on his best silly smile and walked towards them as if nothing was wrong.
"Hey, Angel, Faith, what's up guys?"
Xander didn't have time to finish his sentence, because Angel lunged out and punch him straight in the jaw, sending him flying to the floor.
"He has always bugged me..." Angel said, uncaring, and those where the last words Xander heard before darkness drown him once again.
As the Scooby gang got ready to enter the Mansion, Xander tried once again to connect with Angel to no avail. The pain was still too much and he wasn't sure if his words were getting through, or if they were heard.
//xander... hurts... go... now!//
//angel...//
//...go...//
"Xander, you don't look so fine... maybe you should go..." Willow's voice brought him out from his mind, and he smiled weakly at her. It was a small comfort to know that his friends were paying some attention to him.
"No. I want to be the one to kill that lying bastard." He said, half-hearted. It was not the first time that he had to pretend he didn't like Angel, but it was becoming harder every moment. He didn't want to keep lying, and his words on the evening still haunted him 'Looks like Angelus has a new playmate'. He knew that Angel loved him, there was no way to doubt those feelings. But even so seeing him with Faith hurt even more than trying to contact the vampire's mind.
And beneath his pain, there was a very welcome stream of anger. A very strong wish to kill whoever who had helped destroy the peace and happiness he shared with Angel.
An anger and hate he had only felt in his lover's mind.
"We will have our chance, if you're right." Oz muttered, and they burst through the door just in time to see Angel fighting with Faith and Buffy.
After all was said and done, Faith was revealed to be the Mayor's spy.
It had been Buffy's plan, thinking that if Angel played to be Angelus it would be a great way to know what was going on in the Mayor's side. What she hadn't planned on was the hurt and distrust that her foolish plan had seeded among the Slayerettes.
Even as she tried to explain how it all had been fake, that Angel didn't really meant to hurt anyone, Xander wanted to rip her throat out and throw her body to the lake. He was aware that those were not really his feelings, but that didn't bother him. It was the only contact he had with Angel now.
"Xander... why can't you forgive him?" Buffy asked, obviously angry "Why don't you just admit you're jealous of him?!"
"Jealous?" Xander asked, unbelief and sarcasm fighting for supremacy on his voice. "Why should I be jealous of Angel?"
"You know why!" Buffy looked at him straight in the eye, furious. "It's just because he has what you will never..."
Xander couldn't contain himself anymore and he slapped the Slayer, anger fueling his strength. She looked at him surprised, almost shocked... and then _she_ hit back slamming him into the table.
"Buffy, stop!" Giles voice thundered on the library.
"Why? He started it!"
"But you are the Slayer. You must never use your strength against mortal people, or you will be just like Faith." Wesley stated, his courage somewhat restored now that he could act like the Watcher.
Xander used that time to rise to his feet, and walked outside, only stopping to see Buffy once more, smiling as she tried to contain her anger. In the back of his mind, he wanted to say something more... something that would hurt her friend almost as much as the constant let downs he had suffered. But he ignored it, walking away.
He wanted to fix things with Angel, before their fears made the rift worse.
Angel was pacing around the Mansion feeling like a caged lion. He wanted to find Xander, to tell him he was sorry for all what had happened. He wanted to run away from Sunnydale and leave all the heartaches behind.
He wanted to kill Buffy.
He wanted so many different things, that his mind was a whirlwind of confusion and despair.
What troubled him the most was that he hadn't been able to feel Xander ever since Giles' blue friend had pretended to tear his soul away... The constant presence of his beloved was dimmed, obscured to a mere whisper. And every time he tried to focus on it, he felt an indescribable pain, similar to what he had felt when his soul had been wrenched out from him.
That was the only thing that made him stay inside the Mansion. Fear that if he tried to talk to Xander he would loose him forever, fear that if he left Sunnydale, he would never see Xander again.
In the two hours that he had been pacing, he had discovered only two things. His desire to kill, or at least maim, Buffy and Faith had not demitted. Both girls had managed to hurt him and Xander so much that he could not find any reason not to kill them. Slowly, and if possible, painfully.
And he could not stand being away from Xander. Not anymore. Before all had crashed around them, the absolute need to be at Xander's side had been barely manageable. Now that he knew what it felt to be cut off from him, it was impossible to ignore. Xander was _his_ and he wasn't going to let him go away. He doubted that he could be able to stand the silence in his head much longer. Angel was sure that if he couldn't feel Xander's love and warmth, he would really go insane.
//...you... mean that?//
The thought appeared in his mind through a daze of pain that startled him. After all that had happened, he had never expected to see Xander again.
The vampire almost ran to the hall, just to be stopped by the sunlight drifting inside through the open windows. But he didn't need to go very far. Xander was standing right in front of him, smiling.
"I missed you, Angelus..." Xander's voice was very welcomed to Angel, but he was not sure of what to expect. The voice in his mind had been warm, but that could have been wishful thinking. For all what Angel knew, Xander could want him dead... especially if he really thought he was Angelus.
"I am not Angelus, Xander... that was a trick..."
"I know." Xander walked nearer, smiling. It confused Angel, and instinctively he tried to reach the mortal's mind only to be greeted again by the wall of pain inside his head. "I was there when Faith told that demon to take your soul."
"Then why are you calling me Angelus?" The vampire asked, somewhat weary. The buzzing in his head had grown and there was no way for him to know what was going on inside his beloved mind. He was afraid of trying.
//because... it's your name// the words came to his mind, causing him pain. But even as he open his mouth to object Xander was at his side, hugging him close. "The demon... he confused me with 'Angelus', and he almost killed us both thinking he was doing Giles a favor. That's why we cannot feel each other."
"I thought I heard you scream... But I thought that was my imagination" Angel admitted, sadly. When the energy hit his body, he had felt as if his entire being was torn apart. But he had trusted Giles's and he knew his soul was safe... Until that scream of pure pain that had echoed in his mind, when he thought that the blue demon was trying to banish Xander from the core of his immortal being... Only then he tried to resist, calling all the anger that he could muster, all the strength he had inside. But the wall of pain made him thought he had failed.
"You have never failed me." Xander kissed the vampire, smiling.
"Even when I choose to hurt you to help Buffy?" Angel regretted his words in the very instant they left his mouth. Xander frowned and his anger enveloped all his thoughts, even overpowering the pain.
An anger that Angel knew very well in his own heart, and thought well hidden until that moment.
A hate he had hoped he would never see again much less reflected in the eyes of the one he loved above all things.
"Stop feeling sorry for me, Angel. I told you before, I have wanted to believe that you're mine and mine alone ever since our minds touched." Xander smiled again, suddenly grateful for all that had gone between them. At least for him, it had only cleared the path. "But I had some doubts... and those were used by the demon to make half the barrier that keeps us apart now."
"Half?" Angel looked at Xander's eyes, marveling over the myriad of emotions that he could see in them. It was almost as if their minds were still free of pain, as if everything was back to what it had been mere days ago.
"The half on my side... It's almost gone now." Xander sighed, wondering how to continue how to make his words carry his feelings and understanding. "He used your fears to make the half in your side."
The vampire froze. He knew very well what fears were the ones that Xander was addressing, the fears that just minutes ago he thought had come true.
"Giles said that his friend would exorcise Angelus out from my soul forever." he said, his eyes refusing to meet his mortal lover's. "If that were true, I wouldn't have any fears. I wouldn't have enjoyed what I did... I wouldn't have hurt you."
The last words were a barely audible whisper, and only the pain-masked thought was capable of carrying its full sadness to Xander.
"You were only trying to keep me safe, Angel. Even if you over reacted a little." Xander sighed, knowing that the moment he had dreaded since he first touched Angel's mind to find that it was only one person inhabiting that body had finally come.
"What are you not telling me?"
"Giles' friend couldn't exorcise the demon inside you, because he found no demon." The boy closed his eyes, gathering courage to continue. "You... Angelus... It's the same thing. Only that the gypsy curse has given you the choice to know your soul, instead of being just driven by impulse and hate."
//...no...//
Pain flared just as the thought was formed in his mind, and he knew that the wall was becoming stronger, that if he kept denying it, he would probably never again feel Xander with him.
But he could not face it.
He remembered quite clearly Xander's words to Angelus. Words that had been played over and over in his nightmares during all his years in Hell.
You're going to die. And I'll be there.
Even when Xander tried to reassure him that his feelings had not changed, that he loved him even if he was a psychopath killer that enjoyed violence...
If he really enjoyed violence, even when he tried to keep it controlled.
If he admitted that that was his true nature, Xander would hate him again. He couldn't risk that. He couldn't torture the beautiful mortal to the extent of what he kept hidden in that part of his mind.
"I never hated you, Angel." the calm voice of the mortal broke through his wall of despair. "Even then, I loved you... If anything, I hated Buffy for what she did to you." //and i already know what you feel, angel... please... trust me... no more secrets... it's the only way to stop the pain//
Angel looked at Xander, surprised by the certainty he could see in his eyes. It was all encompassing, full of love. How could he doubt when Xander was so ready to trust him?
How could he even think of living without seeing those brown eyes every day of his eternal life?
"I don't even want to try living without you, Angel." Without giving the vampire a chance to answer, Xander leaned down to kiss Angel's cold lips, pouring all his love in that simple movement at the same time he called up all his memories and hidden fantasies that he had treasured since they first meet.
Angel gasped, as the barrier of pain began to crumble under that loving warmth, and he could see and feel himself loving Xander in a thousand different scenes, as he saw himself through Xander's eyes, both ally and enemy, both welcomed and feared.
And always loved.
He saw himself leaning from Buffy's window to grab Xander's jacket, threatening to kill... But the memory did not linger on the fear that the teenager had felt that day, but in the feeling of Angelus's hands on his body...
The only almost kiss they had shared.
He saw himself in the hospital, pushing a bouquet in Xander's hands, only to take it with him after the threat was delivered. And now he knew that Xander had wished the flowers to be for him, to stay with him.
A kiss Xander had wanted to share.
The memories began to fade under the fantasies that Xander had nurtured in secret, the intimacy of which almost overwhelmed the vampire. The touches growing in intensity and desire as he could see in his mind the thousand different ways in which Xander had thought of him.
//...i love you angel...//
//...i love you xander... no more secrets.//
As Angel thought those words, he let go of all the fears that he had been harboring, and instead, thought of the moment when he had realized that he loved Xander... and his own fantasies about the teenager that had blossomed since that moment.
Their minds joined in a fiery embrace, as their bodies melted in the passionate kiss that they had denied themselves for such a long time. Their memories and fantasies waved a web of love around them, so deeply interwoven, that tightened over itself until there could not be said which were Angel's and which Xander's.
And it no longer mattered.
Clothes were hastily taken off, as they devoured each other with hunger. The barrier was destroyed, and all the feelings, all the desires they had been trying to ignore overwhelmed everything else.
The world ended that night, and began again, as mortal and vampire acted upon their instincts forgetting all the rules and chains that had bounded them.
Nothing would be the same again.
Life continued in it's usual fashion for the Slayerettes in the Hellmouth after that. No one brought back the subject of Buffy's plan to deal with Faith's betrayal, much less that everybody thought that Angel was Angelus.
No one mentioned that there was a slightly meaner streak in Angel's actions. That he had become a little harsh and cold with Buffy.
If the Slayer noticed, she just thought it to be a common reaction to the pressure of the upcoming 'Ascension' ceremony.
If the others noticed, they just thought it was because Angel was thinking on leaving.
No one knew that it was because of Xander, that the curse had been lifted and Angel's soul was absolutely bound to the vampire's body. And thus, the lovers were left alone, because no one could guess what was really going in their minds.
Three months later.
The couple had arrived to the motel just before dawn, when the clerk was not really paying much attention to his clients. It was not safe to do so, especially living just outside Sunnydale. The clerk was not a superstitious man, but he was of the opinion that it was not good to be outside or alone at night.
Strange things happened in that town.
But even so, there had been something about the couple that stuck to him. The taller of the two appeared to be in his mid twenties, while the other barely looked eighteen. Not older than the kids who had died in the terrible massacre at the graduation day in the High school that summer. Both were very quiet... didn't even exchange a word between themselves as the younger paid for the room.
Not that it was any of his business, but he had thought that if a couple of college kids were renting a room for a day, they should at least talk to each other.
Even if it moved as if they could read their minds.
//what can i say to make you stay?...//
//what can i say to convince you to come with me?//
Mortal and immortal looked at each other, as they lay entwined for what seemed to be the last time. Angel was going to return to LA., true to his promise of staying away from Buffy, while Xander was going to study in Sunnydale's College. Neither wanted to let the other go.
"You know I have to get my degree, Dead-boy." Xander smiled. "In fact, I seem to remember that you were the one who stayed up all night to help me study for those tests."
The vampire sighed, as he kissed Xander's cheek lightly, licking down a path to the strong pulse in the mortal's neck. "I don't want to be without you, Xander."
The truth behind those words was better left unsaid. Even since their first lovemaking, Xander had known that Angel was no longer bound by the guilt and suffering that had been forced into his soul because of the Gypsy curse... the vampire could kill without remorse. However, he was not interested in wreaking havoc against mankind, and for Xander, that was enough. In fact, it made him feel special to know that it was him the one who helped his lover to keep his soul.
"You're special, Xander. This only makes you even more special." This time, the vampire nibbled the skin under his mouth, breathing deeply. He wanted nothing more than to make sure that his lover would never be taken away from his side.
//not yet, angel//
//i don't think i can wait.//
Hearing that, Xander turned around to kiss Angel, and his smile was so bright that the vampire was sure that no dawn could ever compete against it. "Do you love me, Dead-boy?"
"Always."
"True love is forever, right?" The vampire nodded, puzzled further by the immense happiness he could feel from the mortal's mind. "Then... I think we can wait until I finish college."
Angel smiled at that, kissing Xander deeply.
His lover was right. If they had forever, he could wait a couple of years.
The End.