"So you've just been transferred to the Vice and
Sexual Offences Unit? Yeah, sexual crime has been on the increase amongst spooks over recent
years, and as the ordinary Vice Squad couldn't cope we got a specialist unit here in the MPGS
just to deal with perverted spooks — the VSOU. Nice job, I can tell you. Most of it is just the
odd case of panty-sniffers — it is distressful for a woman to find that her underwear had been
molested upon the washing line by a perverse spook and covered in ectoplasm in the process. Yeah,
us spooks can still smell, and a damn slight better than those of you still living too. And yes,
they can smell certain remains of bodily fluids at the molecular level, no matter how well washed
the panties are. For those of you who are in any doubt about what those spooks are sniffing, it's
pussy juice, ok? Ah, we got one blushing at the back there... You had better get used to it as
you will be seeing a lot of stuff that would make it on a snuff porn movie. There's no room for
sensitivity in the VSOU, apart from when dealing with the victims. Then you will need it by the
bucket load. Yeah, I found it a bit of a shock too when I first moved over here from Special
Operations. Rampaging psychopathic ghosts are one thing, but perverted ones are something else
entirely."
"So what do you think you will be seeing on this side of the job? Well, you have all probably read
the papers about sex cases involving living people. It's much the same in it's own way, although
spook sexual offenders are far more recidivistic than their still-living counterparts, and a lot
harder to catch. Ectoplasm Matrix Profiling is still in its early stages, unlike DNA Profiling,
so they can get away with a lot more as it is hard to prove which spook did it unless caught red
handed. From now on I will refer to this new technology as EM Profiling, just for your future
reference. So how do you catch a ghostly panty-sniffer? With a sting operation, of course..."
Jane O'Hannagan stood before the Super Intendant as he rattled off the latest
statistics concerning complaints of a spook stealing panties from washing lines around the
precinct.
"I want this spook caught, as he is beginning to cause major embarrassment to us. Do you know
that the latest victim is the wife of the Lord Major of London? Her panties were stolen just
this morning, and the Lord Mayor is really pissed," the Super Intendant rattled off.
"Permission to speak, Sir!" O'Hannagan interjected.
"Permission granted..."
"Why don't we lay a honey trap for him and wait till he shows up?"
"How the hell are we supposed to do that? It's not as if he's spoiled for choice around here. He
might just pick on someone else's washing line instead of ours."
"Not if you use executive powers to temporarily ban the hanging out of underwear in our patch,
Sir. I am sure that the Lord Mayor would agree to enact such a by-law if you told him why."
"And I suppose that you would want to lead this operation?" he replied with a sly grin. "Would
add to your future promotion prospects if it worked..."
"The thought never crossed my mind, Sir." Jane lied.
"Ok. I'll speak to the Lord Mayor and see if it can happen. You just go off and pick a team from
your Vice Unit and lay the honey trap. Oh, and what are we to call this little operation of
yours?"
"Knickers, Sir. Operation Knickers."
With that Jane saluted and left the Super Intendant's office. She already had in
mind exactly how she was going to lay the trap. Now all she needed was somewhere to use as the
trap site and a team of athletic officers. Oh yes, and a supply of skimpy thongs that can have
mono-filament tracking devices fitted. It was no good buying a batch of brand new, unworn thongs
as there'd be nothing on them to interest the spook with. She'd have to go to the female
officer's digs and "borrow" some used ones from the girls there...
She reached the accommodation block in good time and proceeded to enter the building the normal,
living way. She didn't want to spook the poor girls in any way as the favour she was about to
ask was a little unusual to say the least. She knocked, waited, and tried to be unobtrusive as
the poor girl on the other side of the door was faced with a police uniform floating in front of
her and little else.
"Oh. You're spook squad. First time I've met one of you lot. Before I ask you in, are you male or
female? Some of the girls have just got back from the gym, you understand..." she said all in
one go.
"I am most definitely female, ma'am," Jane replied. "I am Lieutenant Jane O'Hannagan of the VSOU,
and I've come to ask a favour from some of your girls."
"Do come in, but please excuse the mess as there is underwear everywhere in this place. The
others just stripped off and jumped in the shower when they got back, you see. I'm Constable
Smith, by the way. Lucy Smith when off duty."
"Perfect," Jane whispered.
"Ok, now is everyone here who isn't on duty right now?" Jane began once the
girls had been gathered in the recreation room. "Can someone please close the blinds so you can
all see me? Good... I am Lieutenant Jane O'Hannagan from the Vice and Sexual Offences Unit, and
I have come to ask a favour of you lot. As you may be aware, there has been a spook panty thief
working our patch and we want to catch him..."
There were murmurs from the girls as they had all heard of the ghostly panty thief of Kentish
Town. "Now I have been ordered to set a honey trap to catch this pervert, and I want to borrow
you lot in order to do it. The Super Intendant is at the Lord Mayor's office right now, asking
permission to put a temporary ban on the hanging out of underwear on our patch. What I want you
to do is to ignore this ban."
"You mean break a by-law, ma'am?" one of the girls piped up.
"Not exactly," Jane replied. "The ban will be worded in order to exempt premises on private
compounds outside of living areas. Namely, the police accommodation blocks like this one."
"So you want us to hang out our underwear knowing that the panty thief is likely to target us?"
Lucy asked. "How are we to get our panties back should he manage to steal them from under your
noses?"
"They will be fitted with mono-filament tracking devices so we can track the thief and catch him
red handed with the evidence. You will get your panties back, I promise. And we'll pay for the
cleaning bill, too..."
"Ok, I am up for it," Lucy replied. The others just nodded their assent.
"Good, good," Jane said. "I will be choosing an all-female team from my unit to join you and live
with you for about a week. I just hope you can cope with us spooks being amongst you, as we can
have unsavoury habits. We get excited and there's ectoplasm everywhere..."
"Kind of like us living girls..." one of the others piped up.
A couple of hours later O'Hannagan led a small group of six female spook
officers back to the accommodation block. O'Toole was chosen from the technical department as
she was the only female spook geek in the whole of the MPGS, with Brenda, Amy, Nikki, and Karen
from the VSOU acting as the legs of the group. They entered the building and set up in an empty
room on the ground floor next to Lucy's as it had the best view of the yard and easy access out
into it.
After they had stowed their gear in the spare room they spent the evening mingling with the
living officers while Jane and O'Toole spent their time in Lucy's room, fitting mono-filament
tracking devices into the underwear of the girls that lived in the block. Then while the girls
were asleep the spook operatives made final preparations in order to lay the honey trap,
including getting an underwear wash on. The first three days were uneventful. The undies were
washed and hung out in the morning, the girls went off to work, but the perverted spook never
showed up and the panties were still on the line when they got back.
On day four the girls hung out their washing as usual before going on duty.
Only Lucy stayed behind in order to act as a living liaison officer should they have to chase
the suspect outside of the compound. She had been on the case all week, and was getting rather
bored as she had expected it to be a little more glamorous than it turned out to be. Also, the
vast majority of the panties were hers, as she had a large number of Anne Summers thongs and
other such skimpy numbers, and she was anxious to make sure that they were returned to her
relatively unmolested.
Lucy and Katie hung out together a lot when off duty, and formed a deep friendship that was
commented upon by the others. They ignored everyone else. They were both adults, and knew
exactly where they both stood. The fact that they were of the same sex and that O'Toole was a
spook never bothered them, they just fell in love and accepted it as fact.
Two hours later, and nothing had, as yet, happened.
"So when do you think he is gonna show up?" Lucy asked pensively.
"Dunno," O'Toole replied. "Could be within the next hour, could be tomorrow. Who knows?"
"He's probably frustrated by now, and looking for a target where the owner has disobeyed the
by-law and hung out her undies anyway," Nikki added.
Suddenly there was a movement in the corner of the yard. The bushes at the perimeter rustled
slightly, and Lucy looked through her GV goggles. "Here he is, the little snert," she retorted
as a lone spook came into view. O'Toole switched the spectral camcorders on record.
The others didn't need technological help to see him. He looked around furtively before making
his way over to the washing line. "Don't move yet," O'Hannagan cautioned with a whisper, "we need
to catch the little fucker red handed molesting or stealing the panties."
The spook lifted one pair of panties off the line, sniffed them and started to rub his crotch
with them, exuding ectoplasm all over them. He had a look of bliss and abandon on his face, a
look that was soon to be wiped off his sorry face. The officers let him carry on for a little as
he selected several panties by sniffing them enthusiastically before tucking them away in a
supermarket bag he was holding. The officers were now straining at the leash to go after him and
make the arrest.
"Easy now, wait till we have his mugshot on spectral camera..." O'Toole said. "Ok, I've got it.
He's all yours."
With that the door to the outside burst open and the others piled out the door. The spook took
one look and dropped everything before making a run for it. Everything, that is, except for one
pair of Lucy's skimpy red thongs that he had placed upon his head and was still sniffing when he
was rumbled. He dived through the bushes and out into Kentish Town high street, with the others
close behind.
Brenda, Amy, Nikki, and Karen stormed off after him while Lucy and Jane followed
behind at a more leisurely pace. Several bystanders stood around confused as four empty police
uniforms chased a pair of red thongs floating along at head height down the road, followed in
turn by another empty police uniform and a rather flustered looking female police officer wearing
a pair of goggles.
As Lucy and Jane rounded the next corner they saw the others in a bundle on the
floor with Ami triumphantly holding a pair of red thongs in the air. Pinned to the floor beneath
them was a rather pathetic specimen of a ghost looking sorry for himself. Lucy looked down at the
ghost and said "You're nicked, mate." The spooks then lifted him off the ground and walked him
around the corner to the front of the police compound and the station proper for booking and
processing.
"Will you look at the state of my thongs..." Lucy complained. "They're absolutely covered in the
stuff."
"It is a bit gross, yes," Jane replied.
"Guess you will have to bag them as evidence, then."
"U-huh."
"So when will I get them back?" Lucy asked.
"Within a week. And they will be laundered for you, as we promised. The other ones will just be
laundered. We only need the one pair in order to make a 'specimen' charge stick. We've already
booked court time with the Magistrates, so he will be before them first thing and convicted."
A week later Lucy received a package from the Forensic Department. Inside were
her thongs and a note from Lieutenant O'Hannagan.
"We will not be requiring these any more as he pleaded guilty on his first
hearing before the judge. Hope we got all the stains out.
Regards,
Jane O'Hannagan, Lieutenant."
"Hmm," Lucy mused, "I wonder if Katie would like them? After I have worn them,
of course..."