Fan Fic
As You Are
Part 9 - Open Your Heart
© Stef
|
Before he had had his first days with the voice, James had never thought that silence could be something wonderful but now he knew that it was. He listened to his breath, the wind outside, the water of the shower in Mattie's room, which was next to his. He didn't dare to do something so that the silence would be away, but he couldn't stay on his bed, he had to move. The headache had gone when he'd eaten something for lunch and now he felt strong, healthy and happy. James jumped up and ran into the bathroom to see his reflection. It hadn't changed a lot, he still was pale and thin but his eyes...There was life in them� a lot of life! He grinned at his reflection and said "So, voice! Where are you now? I can't hear you!" Then he heard someone knocking on his door.
"Who is it?" He asked and somehow thought it would be Charlie "shadow" something completely new for him. He'd never felt something like that for another person. What would his parents say? They'd say he was ruining the friendship of a lifetime. Well, right now he didn't have the intention to tell them cause Stef wasn't his girlfriend and probably wouldn't ever be and perhaps he'd fall in love with another woman after this phase. Who knew? But what really gave him a headache was the fact that Stef acted as if she felt something, too. The problem was that they'd always acted that way. They had always made a fool of the others and now he wasn't sure if Stef was doing this game again or if these were his real feelings. He could have sworn that the something in Stef's eyes was affection. Or even love. He remembered something that had happened just yesterday. He'd sat in front of the piano cause he needed some time on his own. When he had been playing some slow tunes, he'd realized that it was the beginning of "You needed me" and he'd known that his soul had wanted to tell him something with this song. So he just had started to sing: You needed me You needed me I cried a tear, you wiped it dry I was confused, You cleaned my mind I sold my soul, You bought it back to me And held me up, And gave me dignity Somehow you needed me You gave me strength To stand alone again To face the world out on my own again You put me high up on a pedestal So high that I could almost see eternity You needed me, you needed me And I can't believe it's you, I can't believe it's true I needed you And you were there And I'll never leave why should I leave, I'd be a fool Cause I've finally found someone who really cares You needed me You held my hand When it was cold When I was lost You took me home You gave me hope When I was at the end And turned my lies back into truth again You even called me friend You gave me strength to stand alone again To face the world out on my own again You put me high upon a pedestal So high that I could almost see eternity You needed me, you needed me While James had been singing the song, he'd known what his soul was trying to tell him. He needed that someone! He needed someone who took him in and gave him hope. Somehow Stef already was that special one. As he'd written it in his own song, Stef gave him hope. When she whispered something to comfort James, how she'd held him in her arms several times before...But still Stef didn't give him all he needed. And that had made him so sad that he'd started crying. Silently the teardrops had run down his face and when he'd looked up after the song, he'd seen her standing there, lost in thoughts. When Stef had realised that James had looked at her, she'd apologised for the eavesdropping. As Stef had seen that James's face was wet because of all the tears she slowly had walked to him and had whispered "Hey, James, what's up, hun? I haven't seen you crying for ages! Except that day in Paris." James had stood up and had hugged Stef as tight as possible. She had stroked his hair and James just had shaken his head cause he hadn't wanted to tell her that he felt alone. But it hadn't been necessary. Stef had said, "You feel lonely, don't you?" With those words, one of many walls inside James had been destroyed and he'd had a real breakdown. He could only cry. Stef had done her best. She'd said so many sweet things that James had had this lovely feeling again. Stef had whispered, "James, you aren't alone! You have the guys. And you have the fans. A nice family - and you have ME!" After a short break she'd continued, "You need that special someone. I understand that. You're searching for someone who loves you with her whole heart and soul! Who sees all these things! You keep deep inside! Who breaks all your walls! You're the most amazing person I know and you just deserve the best! You will find it, I'm sure!" And in that moment, James had almost told her the truth. He'd started "Oh god Stef, I..." but then again he couldn't go on. Stef had softly stroked his hair and had said "It's Ok, James! You'll tell me when the time is right!" That was yesterday and now again he wished he'd told her. Someone tapped at his door. "Uh-huh?" he asked surprised as it was almost half past eleven and the day had been very exhausting. "May I come in? I just came over for a visit and I have to talk to someone!" It was Mattie and now James was fully awake again. What could Mattie want at this time? "Yeah, sure! The door is open!" He liked talking to Mattie cause he was very direct and said what he thought but the last few weeks he had changed a bit. That was just normal, he began to become nervous because of the birth of his child. James also looked forward to the day Matt would be a father. In five days it should be the case and the lad drove everyone a little crazy with all the "what-ifs". Matt saw that James was in bed and excused "It's not too important! We can talk tomorrow..." Matt was a person that first thought of the others and then of himself and that fact made it very easy to get on with him. James shook his head "No, no! Sit down. Sorry for the mess..." Matt looked around and grinned "MESS??? That's a mess for you?" A few sheets with lyrics were lying on the floor and his guitar lay across them. He'd had an idea a few hours before and so he'd written everything down. Afterwards he'd been too lazy to tidy up again cause he'd thought that nobody would come after 10pm. Mattie sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at James. "I wanna talk with someone who understands me. You were the first person I could think of - although we have a lot of little fights, you're still the one I can talk to the best. The others aren't serious enough and I really need someone who doesn't make jokes 24/7 just because I'm Matt, the funny guy!" James felt really honoured. But he knew what Mattie meant. Sometimes the other three treated Mattie like a little child just because he had some crazy ideas. James asked, "So, you have a problem?" Matt shrugged and sighed, "It's not really a problem...Don't know how to explain...I'm afraid. Afraid of being a father, making mistakes that could affect my child's life forever. You know there are so many children out there who have massive problems because their parents have given them the wrong education..." James smiled at him. He didn't exactly know how Matt felt, but he could imagine the massive weight on his friend's shoulders. "Hey, don't worry. I know, you're a great guy and Kerry is a wonderful woman. The baby couldn't have it better. It will have the best parents! The best education! Hey, I mean what I say!" Matt still was sceptical but James tried to convince him that he would be a good dad. They talked up to half past one, and then Matt looked at his watch and said "Ok, James, now I'll let you have your well-deserved sleep! We'll see each other in a few hours. I can't leave my darling too long alone!" He stood up and left James alone again. ****** "Come on, James! You might tell me! I'm not blind!" Charlie stood in front of him in the studio. Stef was singing solo takes again and James had been staring at her. This time it seemed to have been too obvious to Charlie. He'd pulled him into the small room with the piano and had asked directly "Tell me the truth, it isn't a game for you anymore, is it?" James had been shocked. How could Charlie have known it? He'd shaken his head and tried the "Don't know what you're talking about" sentence but that hadn't convinced him. "James, please! I won't tell anyone!" James felt on edge. Charlie wouldn't believe him anymore. So he sighed and said "But please don't tell Stef. I wanna say it myself when the time is right, OK?" Charlie's eyes became wider and wider. "Wow! I've felt it, you know! When I've said things about you and Stef, you've looked really strange!" "Now you know why!" James said. He was a little surprised that Charlie took it that easily and still a little shocked that he'd told him. When he had regained his composure after one or two minutes he said to Charlie, "I really fell in love with her and I don't know how to tell her yet. I wrote a song for her!" When he'd told him this, Charlie's eyes became even wider. It was a first step and he could feel somehow that he could start to fight against this voice inside. Since he'd let Stef destroy the walls inside him, piece by piece, and then he'd told Charlie something that was very private, he knew he could win the battle against his demon. |